Wisdom from my walk

I am really upset about something and I dont know how to deal with it.  I dont even want to blog about it because the person involved might read about it.   blah…..I just wish people could understand that I cant do everything normal stay at home moms can and it’s sure as heck not because I’m lazy and dont want to try, it’s because most days I struggle to take care of my own family.   Anyway, I had to vent some or else I’d have to complain to Dean more about it and he thinks  I need to get over it and not take is so personally when someone is holding a grudge against me just because they dont understand and dont care to understand my health problems.    I know it’s really the other person’s issue but it still makes me mad that they blame me when it’s not my fault I’m unhealthy.   sorry for making you read this boring entry…just needed to write it for myself!  :-)  I guess it’s easier to blame me for their issues esp. when to them I look completely healthy, I hate to say I wish they knew how I felt but that’s just plain mean and I dont wish my health problems on anyone, but at least then maybe they’d be willing to be a little more considerate… stupid people make me so mad!

we go to a big church, overwhelming big for some folks, attendance is about 6000 folks divided between 4 services, one on Saturday evening and three Sunday morning. We first attended in December of 1999 (I know this date ironically because they have a great computer system, you can log in and see all of your personal info, I can look at my first date attended, my baptism date, how much I’ve contributed monetarily, when I’m volunteering, and there’s even a way to view your “family calendar” so I can see where Dean is signed up to serve or where the kids have something going on, gotta love the internet!) We eventually got into small groups, even lead one for a little while. We finally found our home serving on the tech team( a church this size has got to have great media of course!) and loved serving together. my last time serving was a few weeks before Caleb was born. Whenever we’d go back to visit we’d try to talk to one of the leaders of the tech team. a month or so ago we decided we should get back to serving in a role we know we love. It used to be you would serve one weekend, one service a month, more if needed. Now they prefer a full weekend commitment, which means you have to be there Saturday evening and for about 5 hours on Sunday! Tonight was our first night back on the “team”. I was very anxious since I always felt incompetent as was because I had a big job compared to Dean’s and he of course is the one with all of the training in this kind of thing. So tonight we were just there to watch, tomorrow we’ll really be doing the job we were assigned to. As I sat there I was so taken in by it, I love the environment and to know you are such a big part of making the service more appealing to some people is exciting. It all came back so quickly, I thought for sure I’d lost all of my knowledge, but it was there, I am so pumped up about tomorrow. I’m sure I’ll make a mistake or two, but it’s all good. It’s a fun team and the best part is getting to serve w/ my hubby!

we always dreamed of being back at the Vineyard and I have wanted to get back involved on the tech team for a while, but was worried about the kids. it will be hard, tonight was fine, they stayed in the nursery/toddler room. Caleb spent the night at my SIL’s so that was one less kid to worry about. the real trouble will be Zeke, he’s going to be tired and need a nap sometime tomorrow morning , pray he falls asleep in the nursery and is content so we can enjoy our first weekend serving since July 2001 on the tech team.

it’s funny, last time we did this I was pregnant w/ caleb. Today we have three beautiful kids, a much bigger home than the first apartment we had together, and more experience in different churches, big and small. The pastor’s message today was fitting to me too, as I worried if I could do this again, I sat there watching him talk about how church is one where everyone can serve, where everyone is given the chance, even me, the mom of three young kids struggling w/ chronic pain and fatigue, yes me, can do something meaningful and enjoy it too! our church is great, and I love how welcoming everyone is. We are so glad to be here and I’m excited to be serving in a position that’s not really me, well the thing is, it is. but it’s not something i would have ever imagined myself doing, but enjoy so much. it’s fulfilling to me and I need that now, something non kid related, and something that actually takes skill to pull off. praying our kids behave tomorrow so we can make this a monthly thing. I really am excited about it.

for those of you who wonder why we go to such a big church and how can anyone possible fit in, well it amazes me each time we go I run into someone we know. Tonight I saw several people, had a meaningful conversation or two and every time I’m amazed. but the truth is when you go to a church that size you are bound to run into someone you know. just the other day we were out talking w/ the neighbor when we finally realized we go to the same church! but the thing is, they arent all just hi and bye conversations, I really think I talk more with folks now than I did at our church in Maryland. I dont know why it is but I definitely am not who I was.

I’ve come a long way from that young teenager who thought all Christians were hypocrites. it’s true a lot of them are, and I say that because I am sure in some way someone will one day think that of me no doubt. but what I know is that if I strive myself to do the best I can than that’ all that matters. I will no doubt offend someone with my faith as I was offended by others, but the real thing that matters is my heart. I dont claim to be perfect, but I do claim to have a relationship with the One who matters most to me so who cares what others think, as long as I know where I stand w/ Him. right now what matters to me is serving my family and others and doing my best, I’m excited to be in a church where that is enough. I’m glad to not feel judged but mostly I’m glad to be back at the home I’ll always call home. it’s the church that brought Dean and I back to a place of belonging and back into a stronger relationship with Christ, a church that may not be perfect for everyone, but is perfect for us! another important thing that happened for me here is that it’s the church where I got baptized.

As a teenager our church tried to guilt you into getting baptized, I never gave in. I knew in my heart I didnt want to do it because of guilt or peer pressure. I wanted to do it when the time was right for me, not when the leadership told me I had to. I know that caused some issues when others thought that meant I wasnt a Christian or whatever, but I am glad I waited. When we first moved to Ohio together we didnt go to church for a while because of past hurts/experiences. because of being touched several times by “random acts of kindness” by those from the vineyard we one day decided to see what those folks were all about, and soon found a community like none we’d ever experienced. it was there I felt the comfortableness to finally make the decision I had to make on my own, not at the demand of leadership, to get baptized. I still am brought to tears every time someone gets baptized at our church because of the experience I had.

well sorry to go on and on…I just needed to think these thoughts out.

tomorrows a big day, fathers day. Dean’s 6th year as a dad. other than church I’m not sure how we’ll spend the day, I’m glad that our morning will be spent serving together. He’s the best dad I know. he takes care of the kids when I am to sick too, taking off work if needed. he changes more diapers on the weekends than I do. this morning he let me sleep in and took the kids to the park so the house would be quiet, tomorrow he cant sleep in because of church, I should have been up and out today and he in bed, but I was in too much pain to, and he didnt complain, he just did what he had to do. I am grateful that the kids have such a loving father, and know I’m blessed to have such a wonderful husband. thanks honey and happy fathers day….

and because it’s funny, I got him this LED scrolling belt buckle, a IT guy cubicle set and a shirt, that is a joke between he and I, something silly that only is important to us so I wont bore you.

Another week coming to an end.  It was full of trips to the pool, the zoo, therapy for the kids, and lots of time spent outside.   I can never get much done around the house w/ the summer here, we are either never home or always outside.  I tried to get some things done this morning but as soon as Caleb saw his friends out he was outside and then of course Bo is and I cant leave him outside alone so now I am sitting out here watching them play thinking about all of the things I need to be doing inside and cant.  that and I’d really rather be in bed.    I only went to the gym two times this week, I knew I probably wouldnt go today or yesterday and was hoping the boys would sleep later, but they didnt.  well, I guess 8:30 for bo is sleeping in, but caleb is always up early.   I’m tired and the more I do and the less exercise I get the worse the pain gets.  It’s crazy.  I have also realized caffiene makes me feel a lot worse, the pain gets worse if I drink anything w/ caffiene.  I had given up soda but have had some lately and regretted it afterward.

this weekend is going to busy as is the next week.  I just want to go to bed and sleep for a few hours but I know that wont happen.  Dean is coming home for lunch and I am planning on taking a small nap then while he can watch the kids.  hoping that happens at least.

so nothing new going on here really, just keeping busy.  I want today to be a lazy day but caleb is so mad we arent doing anything “fun”  I am not up for much today and really need to catch up on chores too so I want to stay home but he doesnt understand.   Why should he when on my bad days I usually still make myself go out and do things when I should rest just because it’s easier to keep the kids busy than not? but today I’m too drained and all he cares about is how much fun he is having….he’s a kid and I know it’s normal to be selfish as a kid but it’s annoying, I wish he cared about other people some times.   well gonna run…

I was going to go to Baltimore this week, the original plan was to leave yesterday.  I decided not to go right now for many reasons.  Instead of going to Baltimore this week I’m staying busy in other ways.  Next week is going to be a great week, ok the next two weeks are going to be!   Next week our church is doing a special teen outreach week and we are volunteering in different ways and our friend’s daughter is coming from Baltimore to stay with us.  the following week our friends are coming here to visit and get her.

this week has been busy so far, but I’m glad that this Thursday and Friday so far seem to be unplanned.   I’m tired but doing my best to keep up w/ the boys.  I didnt go to the Y this morning because I knew today was going to be busy, and didnt want to need to crash early since Dean was coming home early after his first drs appt since we’ve moved here!  he is the healthiest person I know, as far as not needing to go to the dr!   I wish I was like that!  He hurt his back on a rollercoaster a week or two ago and the pain isnt letting up so he gave in and made a drs appt after much urging by me!

the boys are doing well, early intervention is going well I guess.  everyone keeps telling me I’m doing a good job w/ the kids, I just wish I felt like I was.  everyone keeps being impressed with how I’m keeping up w/ the kids and even additional kids when calebs friends join us for our outtings.   I wish I knew it would always be easy, the truth is it’s not even that easy.  yesterday I hurt pretty badly so going to the pool was very hard, since in the big pool I have to hold Zeke and catch Bo when he goes in too deep for him to stay with his mouth out of the water.   but keeping them busy is good for everyone, it keeps them out of trouble and wears them up, just wish it didnt wear me out too!

i am having a lot of fun so far this summer w/ the kids.  I’m making new friends too so that is great too.   we really love our neighborhood and it’s so neat to hang out at the community pool and know people.

well I have lots on my mind just cant seem to put it into words.  maybe when I have some peace and quiet I’ll get a better entry out.

Somehow I’ve gotten off easy this weekend, I’ve barely changed any diapers, which is awesome!!  Dean’s been taking care of things like that for me, not sure why, probably because I’m just being lazy and well he’s just an awesome dad and hubby.  Friday night we went to a couples night out game night at church, they had childcare available so we took Bo and Zeke with us while Caleb went to swim class w/ our friend and her daughters.   Saturday was very lazy around here,we didnt finally leave the house til around 2, if not 3 I think.   We ended up going to walmart to pick up the 311 photos I sent there to be printed and to do some shopping then we went to the Y to go swimming, oh yeah, we picked up our niece sometime in between there so she could spend the night.   This morning we were lazy again, and finally headed out to get to the last church service, which starts at 11:30 A.M.  but traffic near there seemed oddly busy, turns out the power was off in that area and church got cancelled.  So we again headed to walmart to get the things I forgot to get yesterday then home for a nap for Zeke and I before heading to the above friend who took Caleb to swim class’s college graduation party.  her oldest son is 11 and she has twin 6 year olds as well, and is separated from her husband.  she said she’s been working on her degree for a decade.   we were glad to be invited to the party and had a lot of fun hanging out w/ our neighbors and our new friends.  After that we headed to a waterpark we’ve never been to and then to cici’s for pizza, that place has the best cinnamon rolls!!   i’ve spent the evening since then shopping online for dean’s dads day gift, doing laundry and cleaning that hasnt been done in a while.   friends from baltimore are coming to visit us soon and I want things to be great and well I’ve been seriously slacking lately since I’ve been trying to keep the kids busy and between that and drs. appt, well it’s been hard to get much done.   so it’s been a mostly lazy weekend, but a fun one too.  our niece is here again for the night, I’m not going to the Y in the morning but am hoping to take the kids to the pool after lunch for a while.   once again it’s late and I’m up playing catch up on chores and the like…but the days have been worth it, lots of fun family time.  (and making new friend time too!! I LOVE that!!)

quick update on Boaz’s hearing test.  no permanent hearing loss, yay!  but he does having hearing loss associated w/ the current fluid in both ears.   significant even, things I heard her say to him during the test he didnt even hear at all.  he just sat  there.  when there were things he heard we definitely could tell he heard them the other times he just didnt hear it.  so…the good news, hopefully after seeing the ENT and maybe getting tubes to clear the fluid he should be able to hear 100% and she said that since theres no way to no how long he’s had the fluid since he’s had ear infections off and on it definitely could be what’s affecting his speech.  my biggest thing I’m glad about is that maybe once his ears are better he’ll actually be able to hear me and in turn listen !!     I’ve been so mad that he hasnt been listening to us, the truth is he probably didnt hear us at least 1/2 of the time!  poor kid.   so caleb and Bo have appts to see the same ENT that Zeke saw on June 26th.  I dont doubt they’ll all have tubes before July is over.    I dont care as long as it helps with their behavior!!   well so much for a quick update…gotta run…

A better day, by far!   Made it to the Y only 5 minutes late to class, as always!  Came home and let Zeke nap while I did some educational things w/ Bo and Caleb for a bit then watched them play while I worked on lunch.   We had lunch then headed to the zoo and brought one of caleb’s friends with us. We were there for 3 hours then headed to Bo’s appt to get his orthotics, he seems to not mind having them on, which is good.  For the first time since being a baby and not knowing how to, he left his shoes on in the car on the way home, all through dinner, and almost all the way to swim class after dinner.   that’s a huge improvement!   So we had Bo’s very first swim class ever today, he even jumped off the diving board and after signed more and kept whining til he was able to do it again.  He loved it, his hardest challenge is listening to the instructor of course.  Caleb did great in his class as well, he’s such a fish.  he was the first one to volunteer to do whatever they asked first over and over again.  he probably is ready for the higher swim class but since we didnt know what level he was on they put him in level 2 and I think he will end up in the next level next session which is in July.   the kids are heading to bed early, well normal school bed time since we had a busy day, again.  I’ve not been able to get many chores done since we’re so busy so I end up staying up doing things til at least 10 then hit the bed exhausted.   so today I thought I’d take a break and blog…had to document Bo’s first swim class.  i’m so excited at how much he’s improved in different ways, just wish his behavior was one of them.  well gotta run…tons to do before bed.   and another busy day tomorrow….but it’s so much fun enjoying the days w/ my boys, on the good days at least!  the busier our schedule is the better bo behaves, it’s the craziest thing…he’s on the go and if we arent always on the go too then life is hard for him.  caleb was the same way at times, but no to the extent bo is….so far Zeke is laid back, hoping he continues to stay that way, but I fear our busy schedule will have him too craving busyness when he’s older.  only time will tell…