Wisdom from my walk

We’re reading this book for our moms group this year and I was very excited about it.  Now everytime I read it I feel guilty.  One of the main points of the book is that we have a “mission” from God and that he designed motherhood to be a certain way.   that this design has not changed eventhough our culture has.  I’m ok w/ most points so far as I already do most of what it says is God’s design for motherhood(although if I were a working mom I’m sure I’d be offended and wish that she didnt make me feel guilty about my choice to work outside the home.)  but I told Dean today that its making me feel guilty that we choose and even medically intervened to NOT have any more children.  I struggled w/ the decision to begin w/ for the same reasons she states in the book, that it is God’s plan that men and women in a marriage relationship “be fruitful and multiply”  she goes on to state that our culture has strayed so far from this that we even use birth control and abortion to protect our “design” for our lives and not God’s.

As a woman who medically probably shouldnt have kids I still am feeling guilty about our choice to use medical intervention to prevent us from getting pregnant.    I dont know that this is addessed in the bible at all.  I often wonder what happened before technology was so advanced, and I’m guessing thats why there were a lot of still births and/or maternal deaths after/during childbirth.   So are we wrong to protect our own lives by making this decision and is our selfishness  a sin in God’s eyes?  i’ve always felt guilty about the choice we made and now that I’m reading this book I feel even worse.  What makes it worse is that each month I endure physical pain (worse pain than I had after recovering a c-section, all 3 of them put together even) and some times are incapable of getting through the day w/out Dean’s help because of said pain because I am NOT pregnant.(seeing a dr about the irony of that next month)   its when I am feeling so crappy I think “if I had gotten pregnant this month I wouldnt feel so bad right now”  but the truth is I would, not in a painful way but in other ways because pregnancy for me is always unhealthy.   it just seems like everything around me is screaming that I messed up and we should consider having more kids, but I know it’s too late.    (well for me to get pregnant by dean that is, I am still able to get pregnant but um..that would be a sin too! ;-)  )

why is that we as mothers can feel so guilty about so many things, that we never seem to make the “right” choices?  I guess it’s just one of those things she also talks about in her book, how men and women were created different.  dumb dna.

the dr gave me a prescription for an antibiotic and we talked about the possible need for me to get a colonoscopy.  I’m really surprised I’ve managed to avoid getting one for as long as I have, and I told her had I not had the pregnancies so close together I probably would have had one by now.   We agreed to wait it out and see how I feel.

dean took the boys to McDonalds for lunch while I went to the dr.  Bo was so excited!  He loves is his daddy and he sure loves mcdonalds!

Tomorrow the preschool field trip is to the zoo, I really want to go but am not sure I’ll be up for it.   We’d have to eat lunch there and run to make it to their early intervention class then go get the boys from school when we’re done there.  So it will be a busy day if we do go to the zoo.

I’m planning on going to bed as soon as Dean gets home.   I told him I’ll have dinner at least started for him and the boys but my plan is being in bed til tomorrow morning when I have to get up!  :-)  only a few more hours….I can hang in there right??

Dean’s going to be a den leader for cubscouts!  I’m so excited for he and Caleb.  there’s a camping overnight this Friday, not sure if they are going yet or not.  I want them to because it will be fun, but I selfishly dont want another night/and morning w/out Deaner!!

This morning is dragging on, at least that’s how it feels to me.  I’m not motivated to do much and dont have energy to either, but I still managed to get some chores done.  the boys have been riding their bikes in the garage, it’s too muggy for Zeke and I to go outside to play, the humidity is horrible for our breathing problems.   It’s so odd that Zeke and I have both been having problems w/ asthma but it didnt happen til we moved here. different allergens I suppose, or something.  I’m dreading my drs appt.   it’s not w/ my regular dr so I’ll likely have to go into my whole life story and I hate that….I dont even know what I expect, I’m having chest pains again but all the last bout of tests were normal except for the heart murmur which has developed in the last year and they said it’s nothing to worry about.  I dont even want more meds, I just want them to figure out what it is and make it go away, but I know the likeliness of that happening….

slowly dragged myself out of bed this morning, but we arent going to preschool since I feel so bad.  I have a drs appt at 11:45.  Dean’s taking an early lunch to watch the kids for me, sadly I’d like him to stay home all day so I can rest but that’s just not going to happen.  There’s a moms night out tonight w/ moms group, but at this rate I’ll be lucky to make it through the day feeling this bad let alone be up to going out to socialize and get a snack.   timing really stinks this week in so many ways.  i guess I am glad Dean is not in Baltimore but it’s not like he can come home and help other than at lunch time so does it really matter?   Thankfully my friend is bringing caleb home from school later, so other than going to the dr i dont have anywhere to be today. So we’ll probably hang out in the playroom most of the day while I do laundry and Bo can watch the teletubbies video he picked out at the library last night, not like he really ever sits and watches tv but he’ll at least act like he wants to for a minute or two!

Zeke weighed 23.2 lbs today and is 33 inches tall(75% for height!)  He said he’s just skinny for his height, as if we didnt know.  he gave us another asthma med for Zeke.  Poor thing was so mad when he got his shots today, luckily the tears didnt last long, but he keeps grabbing at his leg and the bandaid and whining.  Trying to get him to nap now.  I was hoping some napping myself but now it’s time for Caleb to come home, so no nap for me.

I wish I had gotten a drs appt for myself for today.  I’m trying not to eat to keep my stomach fine, but now my sugar is low and I’ll all shaky so guess I better eat something.

Bo’s been wearing undewear all day and had ZERO accidents, even while at the store and the doctor.   now if I could just convince him to poop on the potty today we might have an accident free day!

Couldnt get a doctors appointment for myself til tomorrow.  I even started calling there at 8:30 this morning in hopes to get something but they were too busy and i kept having to hang up to deal w/ the kids and call back.  Blah.   We have a busy week coming up and I’d love to feel better so I can enjoy it.

Bo was really mad when Caleb and Dean left this morning, he wanted to go w/ them.

Zeke is officially 18months old, as of yesterday.  that means in just  months he’ll turn 2.  I cant believe how fast they are growing up.  he has his 18 month check up today, interested to see what they say about his weight, he only weighs 24 lbs and I dont know what percentile that puts him in for his age, but I’m guessing it’s not great.   He’s so tall though, so maybe that will make a difference.

Bo and Zeke are fighting so I have to get….no plans this morning , which is good cause I feel horrible.  Happy Monday everyone!!

Boaz took this picture of me taking a catnap

He also took this picture of the morning sunlight.

this is boaz sitting at the 3-5 class at the preschool(hoping one day he decides to stay there instead of the 1-3 yr. old class)

Zeke playing at the playground near the preschool