Wisdom from my walk

any takers on commenting on this topic?

this evening after Bo peed on the potty, all by himself, he came and sat on my lap, with a naked butt.   he got up and I had poop all over me.  Darn kid pooped on me.  i dont know why he hates me so much today but I’m so done w/ this kid today.   he’s made mess after mess.  We finally put him in his room at 7 and told him he’s staying there til morning.   He almost bit Dean this evening.   I am so bummed out and depressed about how crappy today has been.  if I didnt have so much to do before tomorrow morning I ‘d be in bed already, or would have been hours ago.

thankfully Dean’s work had a tailgate party at work and it ended at 5:30 so dean brought home a whole papa johns pizza and two things of wings from BW3.  so we ate that and no one had to cook.  that helped alot, if not I’d still have a dinner mess to clean up.   He’s going to a clients house tonight for a side job, he was waiting to leave til the kids were in bed.   I’ll probably be asleep shortly after he goes.   hopefully…if I can get my restless mind to stop annoying me…

Last night Dean and I finished up some paperwork that needed done before the meeting w/ the school on Thursday, at which we’ll find out their decision about whether or not he is eligible for services through the school.   I had done most of the questions myself, but wanted to go over them w/ Dean to make sure I didnt leave anything out.  one of the questions was “does your child cause physical harm to himself.”  Yep..he will bite himself when he’s mad and if theres no one else to bite.   “does he hurt others”  Yep…and today he took it out on me.  He bit me above my elbow on my arm.   he took a nice big chunk of flesh and chomped down because he was mad at me….mind you I was trying to hold him and calm him down.   I immediately screamed and started to cry.  The pain was and still is horrible.  one of the things I’ve noticed since having fibromyalgia is that what would be normal pain for others is generally unbearable for me.  it’s been a while and my arm still hurts.  earlier my whole arm ached and stung from the pain(i get lovely pins and needles feelings sometimes too)  i put him in his room, and he thought my tears were pretend, and just kept laughing at me.   I couldnt yell at him, I was crying and a mess from the pain.  he still thought I was joking and kept laughing then started to hit me.   I finally put Zeke down for nap in his room and put the baby gate up so Bo cant get out of his room.   I dont care if he naps or not, he usually doesnt and I dont try to make him most days but today i cant deal w/ him.  he needs a time out and I need a break from him.  I hate to feel that way but as he laughed at my tears and real pain, I just grew so mad at him,knowing he’s just a toddler and it’s not his fault, but still……he needs to learn real punishment.  I’m hoping if I start being more strict he’ll learn that biting and hitting has real consequences, ones he doesnt like.   I just dont know what else to do w/ him somedays.   he’s a good kid, and Dean and I agreed on that last night.   He doesnt have real behaviour problems, most of his issues are due to his inability to deal w/ stimuli and/or voice his feelings appropriately and understandably.   I dont want to  make excuses for him, and I want to learn how to “fix” him but I dont think I can do it alone.    I am praying the school system agrees we need help and will accept him into the preschool, for free.  and really, we were having a great day…he’s doing great w/ potty training, and the “incident” was after he undressed himself and put himself on the potty and went pee.

I am physically drained right now, from the pain, and the emotions and the confusion on how to handle my child.   I have an appt next week w/ the specialist and I’ve got a lot of questions I’m hoping to get answers too…Dean’s off for Columbus day so I’m thinking of taking him w/ me.  but that means we’d have to take the boys w/ us too.

I’m done typing, he hurt my right arm and it really hurts as I type.  stupid pain.

As many girls do as they grow up, I often dreamed of the little girl who I’d name Arianna when I’d have a daughter.  When we married, we decided when I was pregnant w/ Caleb that if we had a girl then we’d name her Brynn Marie.  (ironically Dean’s neice’s name is a mix of the two, brianna, I was bummed when they had a girl and named her that, knowing I’d never name a girl Arianna when there was a girl w/such a similar name already in the family)  And after our last boy was born I knew that I’d never give Birth to a little girl.  I am fine w/ that now, and even grateful that I dont have a girl for many reasons.

Yesterday I took Caleb (and the two youngins too) to the “scout shop” to get his cub scouts uniform.   I’d never known anyone who was a scout growing up and was completely clueless but the salespeople there were awesome and even were able to convince Bo to calm down by persuading him he didnt need a handbook, like Caleb’s, instead he settled on a zoo theme book for much less money!  As I tried to walk around (which was hard w/ two tired babies, or toddlers)  my interest was growing and even as I struggled w/ the two fussy kids, I knew that I’d find that this store would be home to many such trips and in the years to come I’ll be going back, to buy things for Bo’s first scout adventure as well as Zeke’s.  I’m so excited that they’ll have this chance to learn so many cool thing and also many life skills, and the best part is that for now Caleb’s teacher is Dean.  I know that once the other two join and Caleb is a boy scout insead of a cub scout, that that may mean I get to be a den leader for cub scouts so that I can be a bigger part of their learning and experience so that Dean can continue on as a leader for Caleb.

I love dreaming about our family’s future.  When the day to day struggles get to weigh me down, as they often do w/ two young ones and a demanding older sibling, I often just sit and watch my boys and am amazed at how blessed I am to raise these boys that one day will be great men.  that one day they’ll make a woman a great husband.  and why…because each day they each exhibit more and more of their fathers attributes, all in their own way.  caleb has his fathers gift for hospitality, always wanting to invite friends over to eat w/ us or just be here to hang out.  Boaz has his father’s social skills as well, he’ll say hi to everyone and will often even engage strangers in conversation, much to their dismay they often cant understand him!  Zeke has one of his best fathers traits yet, he’s a lover.  he will hug and cuddle and love with all he has.  there’s many other traits I see in the boys that remind me of Dean.  Day in and day out I see this.

Growing up w/ out a great father figure it means so much to me that my boys have such a great role model to look up to.  But I also know from experience that even though you may not grow up w/ your father in your life, you will still portray many of his same character traits and even behaviors, sadly I see this often in my brother, who for years was never w/ my dad but often talks just like him or even has the same facial expression, sorry jesse, but it’s true and it amazes me still that w/out having in our lives we’re still a part of him and it’s in our dna.    How blessed are my boys to have their fathers dna.   that is why I can sit and dream about the coming years and know I will only grow to love these boys more and more as they become the loving man that their father has taught them to be, despite how mean and terrible they can act at this age!!

so I’m glad I have three boys to be on this journey with.  I’m excited about their futures and more importantly how Dean and I can help them along that journey.   Dean and Caleb went on their first cub scout camp overnight last night.  I was up late and up most of the night sick, again.   This morning I managed to get dinner in the crockpot, laundry is going and the house is cleaned up.   (all day yesterday I had let dishes sit in the sink, the dishwasher didnt get emptied til bedtime and dirty clothes laid all over the place.   for many of you, you know this is very uncharacteristic of me….but for me it’s a good thing…letting the stupid meaningless things of the day go so that the more important things can get done.  )  we’re heading to the zoo in a bit, our church is having the band play for an hour.  so we’re going to go to that and walk around the zoo a bit then come home to rest some before dinner.    then we have to head to church, it’s our tech team weekend.

well gotta get some lunch so we can get going on the rest of our day.   have a good weekend…

A friend has offered to take the boys today so I can get some free time.  I’m torn between doing it or using the time to have a sitter to take Bo to get his hearing and vision checked as part of completing his evaluation by the school system.  I really could use the time to balance the check book or go grocery shopping….I really feel guilty for having someone take the boys when I dont really need a sitter, i.e. doctors appt or something essential that needs done.    But I also think I could use the break as Dean’s going to be gone tonight and tomorrow for half the day for the cub scout camping trip.   I need to learn to be grateful and not feel guilty about taking time for myself….

we’re finally getting some much needed rain, but the downside is the dogs wont go outside in the rain, not even if they need to poop or pee.  So I put them out and they went, I was very suprised.  They came in and as I got Zeke out of bed I saw that one of them, most likely, Shea pooped on the stairs.  i dont even know how she physically pulled it off, I just know it pisses me off!  so it’s dark and rainy, which is good so that I dont have to worry about going outside to chase down a naked Bo(like I did yesterday) and means we’ll spend all day inside.   So I’m trying to get a ton of chores done that have gotten left undone because of how sick I was.   We’re having our first small group meeting at our house tonight, I’m excited about it but also bummed that tonight was also an all womens worship night at church that I wanted to go to…reminds me, I want to get some music ready for tonight, maybe at least have one song or something.   It’s also Calebs first cub scouts meeting, he’ going w/ our friends since Dean and I cant go.   He’s so excited, I dont think he’ll mind us not going!

well back to chores…it’s just one of those lazy days, at least for the kids, i have tons to do today! 😉

the day was as busy as I thought it would be.   currently the kids are playing in the garage, one is crying because he cant be a toddler, like his brother, they are pretending to be animals, so I thought that was pretty funny.   so this morning was the zoo trip, we got rained on, literally.  on the way to their early intervention both boys fell asleep, we were almost 45 minutes late for class because I got lost, at that point I was willing to go home but decided we mine as well go.  So I woke up the boys and they had fun.   After that we went to pick up the big boys from school and since then Zeke is napping and I’ve been trying to get some work done on my computer while Bo runs around the house(outside) completely naked!! (he’s potty training great this week so I didnt really care, but the kids are making fun of him)   gotta run. the kids are bothering me….geez, stinking kids expect me to feed them and keep Bo clothed, they are soooo needy!!