Wisdom from my walk

I am so frustrated out how our weekend has gone.   I knew it was going to be a hard adjustment, the kids always act worse around Dean, especially Caleb.  I had them getting to be on time and things went so well, before Dean got home.   I am pretty sick and was looking forward to some rest.    Dean and Caleb went to Kings Island today w/ Dean’s brother and his dad since it’s his brothers birthday.  I had said I’d rather him not go, since we really hadnt had time together since he’s been gone for 9 days…BUT he went anyway.  My MIL was nice enough to take Bo so I  had just had Zeke w/ me but he had to nap early since he was miserable so it didnt work out how I had wanted, I was hoping, we’d drop off Bo and then Zeke would come home and nap, but instead Zeke had already napped and was wide awake while I had to decorate the cake and cupcakes for Dean’s brother.  ( i volunteered, thinking dean would be home to keep an eye on the kids) so the cake looked crappy, I’ve decided I wont make any more cakes w/out taking some classes for, it’s just not worth how crappy they turn out looking.

The party was supposed to be at 7:30 at Dean’s parents house, it took my 30 minutes to get there.   The guys were supposed to leave Kings Island at 7 but didnt end up leaving til 8 so werent home til 8:30ish which is already past the boys bedtime, esp. for Caleb when he has school tomorrow.   and it turns out Dean didnt even get caleb dinner, eventhough I had given him money too…..they had left at 3 and the boy didnt eat dinner til 9, an hour past his bedtime.   I left his parents by myself leaving all three kids w/ Dean just as his brother was just arriving to his own party, well over an hour after it was supposed to start.

that was just the part of my frustration I will blog about, I’d love to blog about what really angered me but I dont want to make anyone else mad.  but oh well… at least I can vent to myself….

WHY?????  On the way to the airport last night my throat started to hurt and my nose was itchy.  I assumed it was just allergies.  So I took some allergy medicine before bed.  I felt worse through the night and now can barely talk, the back of my throat is swollen badly and I keep coughing up yucky stuff.  I guess at least I didnt get sick before he got back huh?   I think I even have a fever.  this so sucks.

Dean got up w/ the boys and took them to the zoo this morning so I could sleep in in peace.  I awoke and went to take the dogs out to realize a horrible mess, kid made and dog made.   Calebs room looked like a tornado had blown through, last night I had the whole house spotless.   I came down to find dog poop on the floor in addition to the inside of the sofa cushion that Shea had ripped out of one of the seats for the sofa.   there was also a pad of paper ripped up there too.  i’m leaving that mess for Dean, the dog mess.   I cleaned up Calebs crap and made the kids beds.  So much for getting a morning break.  I SO hate that.   I mine as well get up and get going in the morning w/ them so I dont have to deal w/ crap when I do get up.    Not a good way to start our weekend back together as a family.

I am so mad that I’m sick.  My neck and throat hurt and talking hurts.   I feel hot guessing I have a fever, but dont know where a thermometer is.   Blah….I get sick like this whenever my body gets run down.  I always get the same exact thing happen, throat swollen and everything.   My stupid body sucks.

I really want to be glad Dean is home, and I guess it’s good he took the kids out this morning but he actually asked me to have lunch ready when they get home….ugh….I cant get one whole day w/out kid duty after giving him 9 days of that for himself.  blah….

seriously…how is it they made messes that are not vacuumable???!?!?!?   ugh…I am so making them clean it up themselves.  I originally made Caleb and his two friends play elsewhere but I figured once Zeke was awake they could play here, I should have known better.  Bo took a container of cookie dough I was saving for later and dumped it out on the floor which made it covered in dog hair, which meant it was no salvagable.   And that’s not even the mess that neither of my two vacuums could pick up.   and both were after the house was nice and clean for Dean’s homecoming. BLAH!!!!  I’m so out of patience today.  I’m just ready for a break, one that involves lots of laying in bed and not hearing a kid for several miles……like that will ever happen…off to go kill…I mean yell at some kids….

Dean’s flight has been delayed….it’s been one of those days.   I cant wait for it to be over.  Praying his flight isnt delayed any more than it has been or I might lose my mind.   the plus side…I’m not nearly as sick(stomach wise) today, but I’m so exhausted.

Ive been up since 6.  After everyone was up, sometime before 7 everyone was up, I went ahead and stripped everyone sheets and already done some laundry .We’ve been to walmart to get milk and trash bags and decided to go ahead and take the boys to school and I think I’ll have my friend pick them up today instead of me so I can get the boys to rest and maybe get a nap in myself.   Debating calling to make a drs appt for myself, I really dont want to go but I still feel badly.

SOOOO looking forward to Dean being home tonight!   Just a matter of hours now…wohoo!! I have some errands to do today so we’re heading out after I clean up from breakfast and switchover some laundry.   going to be a fun day!  😉

*I apologize now for all of the typo’s, I’m tired and will edit tomorrow if I get time*

the original plan was that Dean would be home by now. I have faith that everything that happened day was meant to happen just as it did, down to every last detail. It was one of those “god is awesome days” I even got a nap in, Thanks Donna!! I have the best in laws ever!!

I think I may have even needed the evening without Dean home to “manage” all the things going through my mind today that happened. Had some cool “God” moments at moms group this morning and it really touched me. I felt used also in praying for some of the ladies, one in particular I felt called to talk to since last time but had to go because of the kids so today I was intent on talking to her and then after her prayer request today I knew I had to.

So this morning we went to Moms group, which meant Bo and Zeke had to stay in separate classes for childcare. It was a power struggle w/ Bo but in the end I think I won, no, I know I did. and I have faith I have made the right choices about how I handled it and how the staff handled it, he’s growing up and I know he’s going to try to test us a lot, and I need to be firm, and in the end that helped. We came home for lunch and some play time before going to get the big boys from school. My MIL was here when we got back so I put Zeke down for nap and then laid down myself for about 2 hours, in and out of sleep from the noise of Caleb and his 2 playmates, and Bo who tags along w/ them all of the time! After that my MIL left and we headed across the street for dinner w/ our neighbors. It was another enjoyable evening, and I’m excited to be finally feeling like I’m connected. As I was trying to finish reading to the boys before bed, my new friend(where we went for dinner) sent her hubby over to take another look under the sink, I mentioned as we were in her kitchen tonight that our dishwasher hasn’t been drying in weeks, and she said he fixed that problem w/ theirs before, and so he came over to fix ours too. the second time this week he’s fixed something here, and it’s been great. I think the neatest thing is that in the past I would have worried about having someone do something for us like that, that we’d owe them and there’s none of that w/ this couple. it’s all very easy going and I am reminding myself to journal these first few weeks because I regret not remembering how I came to be such close friends w/ my best Friend in Baltimore and I dont want that to happen again. not that I expect this to be my “next best friend” per se, but it has the makings of a great friendship for lots of reason, even w/ my reluctance to get too close. (and for those of you who know me, I didnt even vacuum or mop the floor before having them for dinner on Tuesday and it wasnt because I didnt have time, it’s because I choose to let things go and spend more time w/ my kids, yay me,. I know! 🙂 I probably shouldnt be so proud of it, but I am glad I am learning to overcome my “complusiveness” as my new friend called it tonight! )

I think having Dean away for a week has done wonders for me in so many ways. things have been hard, and I think it so funny that my prayer request this week didnt have anything to do w/ the kids or Dean or anything like that, it was an honest desire deep down in my heart, that we start having more family devotion and couple devotional time. (i didnt realize how funny it was til I got home and was thinking that I didnt even tell them how crazy things were, or how sick Zeke was, or that they were throwing up, or any of it, mostly because it was the past and it was done w/ all I said was it’s been a crazy week, some really bad days but that’s how things go, told them “I dont know what you’ve been praying but it wasnt helping! 🙂 )but anyway…we’ve never done praying w/ the kids before bed. just not something I’ve wanted to push on my kids. but I do want them to be aware of our faith and be able to choose for themselves one day. so I’ve been trying hard to be better about telling them bible stories or at least trying to be a better mom when it comes to helping them to grow to “have a heart after God” without pushing things on them.

I want them to learn from example not because we’re preachy. there’s a huge difference! believe me…

ok, sorry for the randomness. like I said I’m processing a lot this evening. It’s the last day w/out Dean home after a LONG week. I’m still sick. Thinking I may even give in and go to the dr tomorrow. one thing I learned the most from this week is that I can do this. Maybe I just needed the reminder. I know I tend to be too dependent on Dean, but I also know God planned it that way, for him to be the head of the household, and while I tried to fill those shoes this week, he is truly the missing link in our home. but I think what speaks more true all through this week without him as that the kids have learned to trust both Dean and I enough to not worry. we’ve only had one breakdown, and that was after Caleb had a long tiring day and the biggest issue was he missed his daddy and didnt know how to share those feelings w/out crying. so they know Daddy will come home. they know Daddy loves them. they know I love them. they know we are a family and they know that somedays might be rough but in the end when we’re cuddling all reading books together I can see that they are happy, and that despite some tough times during the day, in the end they are content and at peace, and most of all they are loved and they know it. So we all fared well this time away w/ Dean, better than I could have ever dreamed, and despite the difficulties and overall fatigue and sickness on my part, I’m at peace and so are the kids. we’re all in a good place and I know now that’s because Dean and I have done a good job in the past, presently and always will, take care of our kids no matter what arises and that I can only hope they can continue to end their days w/ smiles, hugs and giving each other kisses and sweet goodnights. we’re a family and I’m glad to see we’re instilling the importance of that in them, even at their young age. I can only imagine how sweet it will be to have them see their daddy, but I’m also expecting a rough few days as they adjust to having things back to normal. but I hope things dont completely go back to normal because know I know something I didnt know a week ago, that I CAN do things w/out dean, and that while I might feel horrible some mornings, God will provide me just what i need to get through the day , no matter what obstacles appear, something I think I’ve forgotten along the way, and I’m sorry it took having my hubby go away for a week to be reminded of something I’ve known all along.

I’m really not who I was….

we love you Dean and are all looking forward to you being home !! 🙂

the kids are in bed after a rough evening. At 7, after about 4 hours of putting up with, I mean, having 2-3 of Caleb’s friends over for the afternoon, which usually means, feeding them, giving them drinks and breaking up fights, I said they had to go home. Mostly because about 15 minutes prior to this Zeke had fallen down the basement stairs while I was in the bathroom and it sounds like one of the girls had something to do with it. then, I told them to go home right after one of them hit Bo w/ a plastic baseball bat. So…after all this and dealing w/ countless other “battles” w/ them and my own sickness which required me to be in the bathroom a good part of the afternoon, I was done with them all. But of course Caleb instantly turned evil and said I was so mean and was always mean to him and that I dont love him…yada yada yada…I did mention I let his friends stay here and I baked them all fresh cookies….anyway…..So Caleb got sent to his room after saying all of those mean things and hitting me. I sent the other kids away and got my own kids in the bathtub and Caleb in the shower. After a teary call to his dad, Caleb revealed the truth behind his rudeness, he wanted daddy home. I guess he doesnt realize I do too. I told him how hard it is for me to take care of all the kids on my own, and that I was being very nice letting his friends play here even though I’m very sick (I omitted this from him: and their very capable neglectful parents sent them to me anyway)….but anyway….I told him how badly he hurt my feelings and that I too want daddy home, esp. because I’m sick and it’s hard for me to do it all alone. he calmed down and I read books to all three boys before tucking Caleb and Bo into bed. Then I tried to give Zeke his breathing treatment, which made Bo think he didnt have to be in bed either…but finally they are all in bed. I have cookies baked to take to my moms group meeting tomorrow. the house is clean, floors mopped, laundry clean, I was hoping to have it put away tonight but that didnt happen as the kids meltdown let me to bathe and put them to bed myself earlier than my MIL could have gotten here too, and they were all sooo ready for it…and I cant exactly put their laundry away while they sleep in fear I’ll wake them….so I’m off to read 2 chapters of the book we’re doing for moms group then I can go to bed and hopefully get laundry put away tomorrow morning before the meeting….and pray the next two days fly by so I can hug my honey whom we all miss so dearly, I even think the dogs miss her, they’ve been so lazy and want to lay w/ me at night time….it’s kind of funny actually since they are both so attached to me. i think they just know somethings not right.