Wisdom from my walk

Today I experienced a few magical moments. I saw the look of confusion on the faces of others who tried to figure out who I was. There was a familiarity, but so many differences it was hard for them to imagine or understand. It’s those looks and the stumbling words that often follow that give me the strength I need to share my story. Their looks of shock open a door.  I decide if they get to walk through it and how far past it they get to go.

A little more than 2 years ago we pursued a call to serve in a new community of faith. Shortly after that transition, my physical transformation journey began. I don’t doubt that that transition to a new community spurred the physical journey that would soon follow.

2 years ago, this girl learned the importance of stepping out in faith, opening her heart, taking risks and looked boldly into her future.

She began a painful journey towards holistic healing. It began with journeying to a new community. Then the journey became about something more, about becoming the woman God called me to be.  Today, my journey continues. I’m on the search where my journey will lead me next.

Today, that meant spending my time serving with a friend and investing in our friendship.  Part of that time meant taking a step backward, but in hindsight I think it’s quite the opposite. Even though we have found a new community of faith, the relationships we built years ago are still there. Today as I encountered those I haven’t seen in a while, I had the pleasure of letting them join me on my journey. They got to  meet me where I am now.  For some, that is hard. For others, it’s no different.

Today, this girl looks back on her past and is grateful for every part of her journey because the more plot points the story has the more interesting it is.  They say you can’t judge a book by its cover, and I know it’s true. 2 years ago, I decided I didn’t like the story I was writing. What began as small changes in my storyline led to the need for more changes. Today, the cover of my story has caught up with the internal changes.

The girl that you see today is at the beginning of a new chapter in an on-going series.

I look forward to sharing my story with you as it unfolds and I hope one day I get to share that magical moment with you when I watch as you try to understand how I got from where I am to where I was. But more than anything, I can’t wait to be on the receiving end of that as I watch your story unfold and change right before my eyes.

Do you like the story you are writing?

Could your story use a change in title, cover or  major edits?

What small change can you make today to start re-writing the best story you’ve ever told?

In December, my dear young cousin took her life. She was my age;  a mother, a wife, and a friend to many. All everyone could remember about her was her smile. A smile that hid the truth. I know the smile well. A smile even though you are in pain; physically, emotionally or spiritually. A smile when you feel like crying. A smile when you are scared. A smile so you don’t have to say a word. A smile that masked it all.

The truth is, we can only hide behind a smile for so long. If we are living life, chances are someone will know the truth behind our mask. There are days when a smile can keep the truth hidden. Other days the smile itself is what breaks down the wall that will open the door to the truth.  The door that will let someone in to see the real person behind it.

Since my cousin’s death my heart has been aching. I don’t know what her daily battle looked like, but I know there’s a good chance we shared many of the same struggles. I don’t doubt many of my cousins and other family members know how much easier it is to fake a smile than to share our true feelings. The truth is, depression is a disease. It’s real and it’s dangerous. For some, the battle is too much to bear. For others, the battle is worth fighting more because of those who have already lost it.

I am grateful that I have others in my life who can see behind my mask. I was given a challenge today. The challenge was to delete certain words from my vocabulary for one week. The words were:

“I am fat”

“I am worthless”

“I can’t”  

The challenge was given to me by someone I love dearly. Someone who wants the best for me. A person who doesn’t care if I am fat. A person who loves me regardless of the size of my waistline or paycheck.  Sadly, that person is not myself.

There are days when my smile is simply a smile. Other days I admit it’s a mask. Since my cousin’s death, I’ve struggled with even having the energy to put on my mask every day. A few weeks ago I took the mask off and asked for help.

My journey has been one of ups and downs. There have been many obstacles and while I’d like to claim freedom from it all, sometimes life is harder than we can manage on our own. I often think about my cousin. I wonder why she made the choice she did. I can envision how she felt at that moment of hopelessness, mostly because I’ve seen it a time or two myself. I refuse to give up.

So today I accept the challenge. The challenge to take the negative words out of my vocabulary. A wise man once said “fake it til you make it”. Maybe that’s what her smile was, an attempt to act her way into feeling. I’m up for the challenge, but know that some days the game will be harder than others.  There’s no smile on my face today. There’s just a look of determination. Because beneath it all, I know

Are you sick of faking that smile?

Is your mask getting too heavy?

Are you ready to take it off?

Are you ready to admit you are strong enough to overcome?

My challenge to your today,

stop pretending life is perfect and start perfecting the life you’ve been given.

Accept who you are, let go of the past and work on making the future a little brighter because

It’s time to believe it and start living like it’s the truth!

1/17/1979

11/1/1998

8/10/2001

9/11/2001

11/24/2004

3/23/2006

5/16/2014

All of these dates, except for one, may seem random to you. They were all  dates of significant events in my life. If I asked you to list out important dates in your life, you would probably include things like birthdays, graduations, weddings, deaths of loved ones, and other milestones that took place that deeply impacted you.

I am glad to say I had others to celebrate or mourn with me on these days. When events like 9/11 took place, we united as a nation. The world even took notice and supported us. In contrast, when events only impact us or those dearest to us, we may only have a few with whom to share the experience.

What about those milestones that are only significant to us? The day you started your first job after graduation? The day you received a bad medical diagnosis? The day you received a positive medical report? The day you received your first paycheck? The day the scale finally had a number you thought you’d never see? The day you looked in the mirror and decided you needed to change the person being reflected? The day you looked in the mirror and loved what you saw? The day you decided to quit a bad habit? The day you realized you successfully quit that habit, reached a goal, or found what you’d been looking for (the job, the spouse, the home of your dreams)?

Who is there to celebrate or mourn with you during those times that don’t involve anyone else?  If you can answer that question, you are blessed. If you can’t answer that question, I want to challenge you today. We were designed to live in community with others. Life is much better when we can share it with others.  If you can’t think of someone you can call when times are good or when times are bad then something needs to change. If you are reading this, let me know if you need help connecting with others. I’d love to be there for you when you need the support of others.

Scripture clearly states that man was not meant to live alone.

“The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him'(Genesis 2:18).”

God created Eve for Adam. Sure, that is often interpreted to apply only to marriage. But I also believe that applies to non-marital relationships. God has put people in your life to help you. They can be friends, teachers, mentors, or co-workers who will walk beside you through the good and bad times.  I truly believe people come into our lives for a purpose. Some are there for short seasons and some for a lifetime. Regardless of their length of stay in your life, appreciate the time you have to share together.

“Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor.

For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion.

But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up.”

(Ecclesiastes 4:9-10)

I want to encourage you to create a new defining moment on your timeline. Let today be the day your reach out and find others to stand beside you each and every day.  Relationships are hard. In the busyness of life it’s hard to maintain friendships, but if you can make the time you won’t regret it.

You may remember the camaraderie you felt when you commiserated with others about 9/11. During that time, others freely shared their opinions and fears because we were all going through it together. Find others that are going through similar situations as you. If you are going through a divorce, seek out a divorce group. If you are working on a fitness or health journey, some friends and I are going through the process together as a group and we’d love to have you join us. If you are coping with addiction, find others who can support you through your healing.  If you are a new mom or dad find a new parents group that meets in your community. Find others who share a common interest as you and meet with them regularly.

What if you can’t find others who share things in common with you? Then create space for that to happen. Start a new group. Post an ad on craigslist or at a local coffee shop.  See if others at your workplace, school or church are interested  in going through the journey of life with you and others.

A defining moment is one that changes you, either positively or negatively. I hope that in finding others to walk alongside you through the ups and downs of life that you will create positive changes in your life.  Are you ready to put a new defining moment on your timeline?

What will your timeline say for 2/17/2015?

If you grew up in church, you might remember singing songs like “Jesus Loves Me” or “This Little Light of Mine”. In the last few weeks, a different song from my childhood keeps replaying in my mind. So just what song is it you ask? The song is “Be Bold, Be Strong”. Take a listen, but be warned, you might find yourself singing along too!

It’s a challenge. Be Bold.

It’s motivating. Be strong.

It’s inspiring. For the Lord your God is with you.

I have vivid memories of the classroom where I sang this song. I can see the faces of those in the room with me. Those memories are of a little girl who soaked up every glimmer of hope in those lyrics. She was a little girl who longed to be bold. She wanted to be strong enough to overcome her fears. She needed constant reminders that she was not alone. She clung to the promise that she had a Father who loved her and would never leave her.

Over the years that little girl has grown up, but she never let go of those hopes. I long to be bold. I long to be strong enough to overcome my fears. I need constant reminders that I am not alone. I cling to the promise that I have a Father who loves me and will never leave me.

In the last year, those hopes have been realized. I’ve stood before a crowd and shared my brokenness. I overcame my fears and many obstacles, including those on various mud-filled race courses as well as those that kept me confined to a life of worry and anxiety. At a time when I felt alone in my marriage, through a moment of vulnerability and humility, I was reminded that the man beside me loved me more than I could ever imagine. Through the agape love of friends, family and strangers, I experienced the love of my Heavenly Father who loves me and will never leave me.

Today I continue to cling to the hope of the lyrics in this song. I want to live a bold life. I want to grow stronger each and every day so that I can continue to overcome the obstacles that appear along my journey. I want to walk along the path my Heavenly Father has laid out for me as He holds my hand and guides the way. I want to “walk in faith and victory”.

Do you want to be bold? Do you want to be strong? Do you truly know that you have a Father who loves you and will never leave you? Do you believe if you rely on your faith you can be victorious? How different would your life be if you believed in these promises?

If you are ready, declare these truths today:

I am bold!

I am strong! 

I am not afraid!

Now live like you believe it!

Valentine’s day is about chocolate and gifts, and if you are lucky love. This year I had the honor of spending my Valentine’s date with the man I love most. After more than 16 years by his side, it’s fitting to share part of our story.

They say a picture tells a thousand words.

If that’s true, than imagine the story two photos could tell.

Before you decide you don’t want to hear more about our weight loss story, I’ll fill you in on a secret. There’s more to this story than #s on the scale.

Two years ago, I hit an all time low in my life. My physical health was deteriorating, my marriage was crumbling and I felt hopeless. The story these photos tell is one of hope. While we have shed more than 100 lbs together in the last two years, the internal transformation that has taken place is even more monumental.

After 16 years together, we have broken free from years of pain, addiction, dishonesty, fear, anger and unforgiveness. We have had a spiritual, emotional, and physical transformation. The key word in that sentence is “we”. On November 1, 1998 we vowed to be together til death. In the last two years those vows were challenged. But years before we got married we made a decision that no matter what we would fight for our marriage. Divorce was not an option for us. We both know the damage divorce does to a family and vowed to find a way to make things work, even when things seemed hopeless.

In spring of 2013, Dean confessed the he had been struggling with a porn addiction since he was a child. I was the good wife who saw the signs along the way. When I got worried, which admittedly was quite frequently, I asked if something was wrong. This was often when I felt the distance growing between us. Dean decided he loved me too much to burden me with his problem. Two years ago, he reached a point in his life where he knew he loved me too much to keep hiding his secret.  I was devastated. He had lied to me directly when I challenged him multiple times over the 16 years of our marriage. I knew something was wrong, but trusted him at his word; because I loved him.

This same love that caused him to try to protect me from his lies, allowed him to share his brokenness. In that moment of vulnerability, my great love for him opened the door for me to forgive him. It was not an easy process, and we are still rebuilding a firm foundation for our marriage. Many years ago we committed to love one another, despite the obstacles in the way.

So let’s go back to those pictures. His great love for me, loved me the same when I was at my heaviest weight, most unhealthiest (physically and emotionally), and with all my flaws. Today that same love, or maybe even a love far greater, loves this new woman by his side. He still loves his geek.

She still loves her geek. While it was difficult to hear that the one you love has lied to you for years, it was even harder to cope with the consequences of an addiction that impacted our marriage in more ways than I care to mention publicly. Regardless of the pain, there was still love. He was the same boy I fell in love with when I first met him, way back in 8th grade. He knows how to make me laugh. He knows just what to say when I need to hear it the most. He knows when to shut up and just listen. He will always be my knight in shining armor, his armor’s just a little beat up the more battles we fight together.

There was still hope. The boy and girl who fell madly and deeply in love many years ago, are still there. But then again they are not. We are not the same people we were when we said I do. We changed with each milestone, tragedy, joy, struggle, and triumph. Each day we change. While many of you notice the visible changes the most, the thing I see when I look at these pictures is hope.

Hope that whether I am 230 lbs or 130 lbs, he still loves me. Hope that even when addiction or temptation rocks the newly built walls around our marriage, we will rebuild. Hope that we won’t need to ever rebuild because we are free from our past. Hope that he will always love his geek and she will always love her geek.

The writer Paul knew the three keys to transformation.

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

(1 Corinthians 13:13)

I don’t share these photos because I want you to buy a product or to show off my new skinny body. I share these photos so that I can give you a gift. The gift of hope. These pictures tell a story. Of one boy, one girl, and a transforming love that changed everything.

So as the world spends the day celebrating love, I know there will be many who are struggling. A husband or wife who still spends their days feeling lonely. A spouse who feels hopeless. There are some who feel betrayed. Some who fear they will never find love. Some who never want to find love. There will be many who spend the day making others miserable because they want others to share their pain. Each day our neighbors and friends are fighting unseen battles. Relationships are torn apart and family’s are broken, all due to a lack of love.

“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful,

and endures through every circumstance.”

(1 Corinthians 13:7)

My challenge to you today is simple: Love.

Unashamedly, boldly, without fear, and with your whole heart. 

I won’t lie, it’s risky. It’s hard. You might get hurt. Let’s be honest, you will likely get hurt by someone you love. More often than not, the risk is worth taking.

“Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” (Alfred Lord Tennyson)

If you can’t find the strength to love others today, there’s an easy answer. Before you can ever give your love to others there’s something even harder you must do first.

You must love yourself.

So today, give the gift of love, to yourself and to others. You are worth it. Your future is worth the risk today.

Have faith that love can transform your life and take comfort in that hope, today and always. 

To hear us share our story publicly, you can listen here:

I’m no stranger to pain. I was diagnosed with fibroymalgia and arthritis in my early 20s. During my first pregnancy it was discovered I have gout. Doctors love telling me I am too young for many of the ailments I’ve experienced through the years.

Many doctors told me that my only hope over the pain was exercise and weight loss. For years, I ignored their wise counsel. Surely,I thought this was how God made me and there was a reason for it. Two years ago, feeling hopeless about my health and future I decided trying to lose weight and exercise. It couldn’t make it any worse, so why not give it a try. Turns out diet and exercise do help! Now that I’m at a healthy weight, exercise daily and avoid certain foods, fibromyalgia and high blood pressure are a thing of the past.

During my transformation I took up running. It is not easy for me, but I grew to love the time in solitude; particularly running on trails. It gives me time to pray and worship while taking in the majesty of God’s creations all around me. But, the more I ran the more my past caught up with me. You can’t reverse arthritis. The years of damage had been done to my joints and my body didn’t like high impact activities like running and the jumping in my Beachbody workouts. I’ve had to put my marathon goal on the back burner while I cope with knee pain.

Again, I turned to doctors for help. They prescribed physical therapy. The word therapeutic is defined as “of or relating to the healing of disease” (Merriam-Webster). There is no doubt I need healing. Despite my healthy lifestyle choices, my body is still battling disease. You can call it arthritis, you can call it pain, you can call it whatever you want, but the bottom line is it’s disease.

The truth is, we will always have some sort of disease in our life that needs healing. For me, that’s pain from arthritis. For others, it could be addiction (to porn, drugs, money), MS, cancer, envy, gossip, lust, etc. Yes, I just went there. We all have something in our lives that needs healing. We can turn to doctors for help, and often that is necessary. I admit I have turned to therapists for different reasons over the years.

There’s a viscous cycle that those with chronic pain know well, the order may be rearranged but it looks like this:

Pain leads to depression which leads to inactivity with leads to more depression and more pain

OR

Depression leads to pain which leads to inactivity which leads to pain which leads to depression

OR

Inactivity leads to pain which leads to depression which leads to inactivity which leads to pain

The cycle repeats over and over again; until we stop it! How do you stop something you often can’t control? If it’s an addiction you have some control, you can seek therapy and maybe even get medicine to help manage your problem. If it’s cancer you may not have many options. But there are a few things we can do no matter our circumstances.

Today at therapy there were many different kinds of people seeking help. Some were injured athletes like myself, others were older adults seeking to increase their mobility, there were adults recovering from surgery and many others. We all had one thing in common. We were there. We showed up. We didn’t stay at home in bed and wallow in our misery. We didn’t say “woe is me, I am riddled with disease” (pain, or sin or whatever the issue may be that is holding them back from living life). They all got out of bed today and made a choice to keep fighting. They didn’t give up.

We don’t have to let our past pain or even present pain define our future. We have a choice to make, each and every day. While we can’t always control our circumstances we can control how we respond to them. I would have never made it this far in my journey if I gave up when the pain was unbearable.

If you are stuck in the viscous cycle of pain and despair I mentioned, there is hope!

The book of Romans states:

“Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.” (Romans 5:3-5)

Read it again. Did you catch it? There’s another cycle we can follow.

Suffering leads to perseverance which leads to character which provides hope!

Do not despair! Even though pain may not just be a temporary part of your life, there is still hope. Take it from someone who knows a thing or two about daily pain.  Take back control of your life, one step and day at a time. Don’t let the obstacles or diseases in your way stop you from truly living your best life!

What disease are you battling today? Do you need help coping with it? Do you know who you can turn to (a doctor, pastor, friend, neighbor, teacher, parent, coach)? If not, let me know and I’ll be glad to help you find the resources you need to get on the road to breaking the viscous cycle you are stuck in and on the journey towards hope and healing.

It’s the Thanksgiving season. As I reflect on years gone by, I admit I used to dread the holidays. For me, the holidays were often filled with great sadness and many years illness.  One year I remember I was recovering from a spinal tap over the Thanksgiving week. Another year I was recuperating from my 2nd c-section when Boaz was born. Another year I was recovering from foot surgery that was followed soon after with a hysterectomy. There are many unfond memories of Thanksgivings and Christmases past for various reasons.

As we arrive at the holiday season I am filled with joy. I am truly grateful for every new day. Granted there will be days filled with challenge, sadness, and sometimes illness; but I know something now I didn’t in the past. I now know that for every obstacle there is hope. For each moment of sadness they will be joy. There is often healing from illness.  Looking back at my past I can see many times of adversity which seemed unbearable in the moment that have been redeemed in some way. Our struggles often help us grow, in fact, they not only help us grow but can be used to help others as well.

While it can be difficult to see joy in the midst of pain or suffering, there is always hope for the future. At least there is for those that believe in God. I may not always feel grateful when yet another challenge arises, but lately I’ve been able to laugh in spite of the struggles of life.  If life were easy it would be boring.  So this holiday season instead of bemoaning the difficult days and situations, I am going to strive to remain thankful. For every obstacle I face is a new opportunity to overcome.  I am thankful that I am an overcomer.