:-)

In December, my dear young cousin took her life. She was my age;  a mother, a wife, and a friend to many. All everyone could remember about her was her smile. A smile that hid the truth. I know the smile well. A smile even though you are in pain; physically, emotionally or spiritually. A smile when you feel like crying. A smile when you are scared. A smile so you don’t have to say a word. A smile that masked it all.

The truth is, we can only hide behind a smile for so long. If we are living life, chances are someone will know the truth behind our mask. There are days when a smile can keep the truth hidden. Other days the smile itself is what breaks down the wall that will open the door to the truth.  The door that will let someone in to see the real person behind it.

Since my cousin’s death my heart has been aching. I don’t know what her daily battle looked like, but I know there’s a good chance we shared many of the same struggles. I don’t doubt many of my cousins and other family members know how much easier it is to fake a smile than to share our true feelings. The truth is, depression is a disease. It’s real and it’s dangerous. For some, the battle is too much to bear. For others, the battle is worth fighting more because of those who have already lost it.

I am grateful that I have others in my life who can see behind my mask. I was given a challenge today. The challenge was to delete certain words from my vocabulary for one week. The words were:

“I am fat”

“I am worthless”

“I can’t”  

The challenge was given to me by someone I love dearly. Someone who wants the best for me. A person who doesn’t care if I am fat. A person who loves me regardless of the size of my waistline or paycheck.  Sadly, that person is not myself.

There are days when my smile is simply a smile. Other days I admit it’s a mask. Since my cousin’s death, I’ve struggled with even having the energy to put on my mask every day. A few weeks ago I took the mask off and asked for help.

My journey has been one of ups and downs. There have been many obstacles and while I’d like to claim freedom from it all, sometimes life is harder than we can manage on our own. I often think about my cousin. I wonder why she made the choice she did. I can envision how she felt at that moment of hopelessness, mostly because I’ve seen it a time or two myself. I refuse to give up.

So today I accept the challenge. The challenge to take the negative words out of my vocabulary. A wise man once said “fake it til you make it”. Maybe that’s what her smile was, an attempt to act her way into feeling. I’m up for the challenge, but know that some days the game will be harder than others.  There’s no smile on my face today. There’s just a look of determination. Because beneath it all, I know

Are you sick of faking that smile?

Is your mask getting too heavy?

Are you ready to take it off?

Are you ready to admit you are strong enough to overcome?

My challenge to your today,

stop pretending life is perfect and start perfecting the life you’ve been given.

Accept who you are, let go of the past and work on making the future a little brighter because

It’s time to believe it and start living like it’s the truth!