Wisdom from my walk

If you are reading this, you have likely watched my journey over the last year and a half, if not longer. What started out as a journey to get healthier, I gained much more in terms of emotional and physical strength than I lost.  There were many obstacles to overcome and through it all I had many people encouraging me along.

As my body got smaller, I was still unhappy inside. Even though there were many external changes in my life, there were many internal struggles that I fought on a daily basis. From food addiction and eating disorders to depression, it was never a complete transformation. Although I was definitely healthier than I’d ever been, there were still wounds that needed healed.  Those closest to me knew I was struggling, many did not.

At the prompting of one of my dearest friends, I signed up to go on a Walk to Emmaus weekend retreat.  As the date got closer I really didn’t know what I signed up for, just that it was a group my friend has been to and frequently volunteers with.  I trust her and her spiritual guidance and friendship has been invaluable to me and my family. I trusted that if she thought I needed to go then I should. The event was this past Thursday-Sunday.

On Thursday I received an unexpected gift in the mail. A brand new pair of shoes that I have been wanting and needing. I was blown away by the generous anonymous gift. After being home briefly I headed out to my unplugged weekend retreat.

I can not explain a lot of what happened, but would highly encourage you to go on an Emmaus Walk.  There are few words that would adequately describe the experience. There were many life-changing moments. During one time of private prayer and reflection the image of my new shoes appeared in my mind. I immediately thought, “I am not worthy to fill these shoes”. Despite my major transformation, I still felt like I wasn’t good enough. Like I was unworthy of others love. I didn’t feel worthy of the call to ministry which has allowed me to serve in a community of faith very different than any I have ever been a part of. I feel unworthy of such an amazing husband and family.  During that time of prayer, I was reminded that I was deeply loved by my heavenly Father.

Shortly after, I experienced a time unlike any other in my life. Others have described the moment as what they would imagine when entering heaven, I concur.  During this experience several people I admire and care deeply for showered me with love. The simple gesture of them showing up for me in the midst of their busy weekend, knowing they all had many obligations, reminded me of their love. A man I admire and respect more than many other in my life, embraced me and it was truly a life-changing moment. This person has seen me at my worst and knows many of our family’s secrets. He is a spiritual guide and mentor to both myself and Dean. He is no doubt the smartest man I know. This man, after a long busy day serving countless others and meeting the needs of his own family, showed up simply as a way to show ME support and love. Love I had been unable to accept because I felt unlovable.  It was hard to imagine he and others cared that much for me.

In those moments and many others this weekend I realized the one thing that has kept me from truly transforming from the inside out during my journey, has been me.  My weight loss journey was a way to get healthy, but at its root was a search to become the woman my husband and others could love. I desperately wanted to be loved. And despite the countless others surrounding me on my journey I felt alone and miserable. In order to accept love from others and God I had to first love myself.  I had to recognize my worth.

After being lavished with love from strangers, family, friends, and God in practical and unimaginable non-tangible ways this weekend, I felt like a princess. Like a true daughter of a king. And the truth is, that is just who I am.  Since surrendering my pain and past I have felt a joy and peace that is indescribable.  I not only am able to love myself but feel a strong need to share it with others.  I pray that as my journey continues that others will see not just the external changes that have taken place in the last few years, but the internal ones that took place this weekend.

I would love for others to experience a walk to Emmaus for themselves. Please let me know if you want more information and I will tell you what I can, but I promise words will not do it justice.  You simply need to experience it for yourself.  These thoughts barely scratch the surface of everything I experienced, but had to try to at least put some thoughts to page.  Thank you to everyone who has been a part of my journey, in big and small ways. Forgive me for not always being as receptive as I should have been.  I imagine the woman I now see in the mirror is the woman you always saw, except she might be a lot more beautiful than ever, on the inside and outside!

This weekend we had the honor of volunteering at the Obstacle Course Race World Championships. As I reflect on that epic event, I had a few thoughts to share.

The first wave of runners on Saturday were the elite men. I was excited to see them run by and to be able to encourage them along. The sheer mass some of these men had was impressive.

This guy here has been a friend of the family for years; I was sorting through wedding pics from 16 years ago and he was in a few. He looks a lot different today though, we’ve all grown up since then. While the guys were fun to watch, I really got motivated when the first wave of elite women came by.

It was such an honor to see and serve these beautiful, strong, and courageous women conquering the same course as their male counterparts. Siri was the first female to show up at our water stop and she went on to come in first place.

This gal was fierce and determined, when I grow up I want to be like her.

Of all the free water I’ve given out doing outreaches with church, this one just didn’t compare. These runners were thirsty and hungry. We gave away almost all of the food we had packed for ourselves throughout the day. It brought me joy to know that we were there when they needed us.

As the athletes finished and headed back to their cabins to get cleaned up we got to congratulate them.

These two, well you might know them better as American Ninja warriors! These gals have made history time and again, and this time we got to be a part of it.

So my question to you, does any of this stir something inside you? Do you want to be a part of something epic? If so, what can you do to begin that journey today?

It’s April! What’s that mean? Well it means as of this week I’m starting my final college class.  In just 39 days I’ll be graduating from college!

In just 4 weeks I’ll be running in my first 10K.  I still find this goal intimidating, but am slowly increasing my mileage so I’m hopeful I can do it. The best part of this goal is that friends are coming from out of town for race weekend.  I can’t wait to celebrate my new healthy lifestyle with them!

This week is also the beginning of my third week of the Beachbody Combat workout program. I am loving these workouts and can’t wait to see my final results in 7 weeks. I’m hoping to look amazing in a two piece bathing suit before summer starts. Do you have a goal to reach before summer? I’d love to help you find a workout program that you will enjoy and help you reach your goals.

As I approach finishing a few lifetime goals, I am starting to ask myself the big question of “what’s next?” No matter what I’m doing for work, school, or in the community, I’m going to continue to pursue the daily disciplines of eating healthy and exercising so I can maintain my health and continue to grow stronger.  I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I know that I am not going to ever go back to the unhealthy, uneducated, or miserable lifestyle that I struggled with for so long.

I am excited about the future even though I don’t know what it holds. What are you looking forward to in the next few weeks or months? Is there a goal or dream you can begin to work towards?  But most of all, how can I help you answer those questions and help you get started on pursuing your own dreams?

Eight years ago I went for my weekly ultrasound and they discovered Zeke was going to be born earlier than expected because there was no amniotic fluid left for him. So needless to say,our 3rd son joined us a little earlier than expected.

Zeke ended up spending a week in the NICU because his body needed some more time to prepare for his arrival home.

Today Zeke is very healthy and is doing amazing. We are so glad he’s a part of our family! His is quite the comedian and enjoys drawing. He wants to create video games when he grows up and would like to own a video game company.

Happy 8th Birthday Ezekiel (Zeke) Reese McKenzie!

It has been quite a week around here.

On Monday I started my last week of T25!

There was this great news on Tuesday:

On Wednesday I reached my 70 lb weight loss goal.

This happened on Thursday.

And of course today was amazing since I reached 173 lbs lost and a total of 11.4 lbs of that was lost using T25.

Even better was I went for a reward hair makeover which was awesome!

To celebrate this memorable weekend and the last 10 months I made this:

On top of my success this week and year, my eldest son won the local God, Flag, and Country Oratory Contest today. I was one proud momma listening to his speech and then as they announced the winner. I was on the verge of tears the whole time!

Tomorrow’s big announcement is not about me, but it’s still something I’m pretty proud of.

It’s been an amazing week and I’m glad I got to share it with all of you!