Wisdom from my walk

If there was any doubt that God provides today has shown that He is watching out for us. I missed a whole week of work due to pneumonia and I don’t get sick time because I’m part time. I know that I made the choice to have a job like that, but in times like this it kind of stinks since it wasn’t like I was choosing not to work. I would have worked if I could, in fact I tried despite being so sick.

Today I received an opportunity to earn some extra money this week and Dean was asked to work overtime this Saturday for 8 hours. Since he makes more money than me, 1 of his overtime hours is about equal to 4 of my regular hours (and don’t get me started on that, I have the college degree – he doesn’t). If you do the math, with his overtime and my extra gig this week it will cover my lost hours almost exactly since I worked from home some last week. So with his overtime and the extra I’ll get later this week we will be able to meet our budget this month. All of that money won’t be in our bank right when we need it, but it will be easier to budget and set aside paying certain things knowing that the money will be there on Dean’s next paycheck. I tried not to stress about the financial loss due to this illness, but it was going to be an issue soon.

Add in how much of a blessing it has been that Dean lost his job a few months ago and it’s mind-boggling. Due to our lack of income during that time, the kids qualified for free lunch and breakfast. It was humbling, but has been a huge blessing. As we tried to play catch up on all our bills it freed up money in our grocery budget. Also, we have two health insurances now so we literally have had $0 out of pocket for all of my medicines and dr visits which would have been very expensive. The one insurance is covering the deductibles and out of pocket for Dean’s expensive new insurance so its been amazing.

As I start to feel better, its definitely easier to have a positive mindset.  Sorry for that week of constant whining, but seriously, who gets laryngitis, the flu, and pneumonia?!? I wouldn’t have wished any of this on us or anyone else, but sometimes God has a bigger plan than we can see. Just had to share to encourage anyone who might be going through a tough time. Hang in there, things are bound to turn around eventually. I’ve learned over and over again, at the other side of any struggle there’s usually a reward that you would have never imagined. Counting my blessings today. What are you grateful for today?

I was sick a few days last week before finally admitting defeat around 5 PM Friday evening. After realizing the severity of my condition I went to priority care on Saturday morning when we found out I had pneumonia and was given a 5 day course of antibiotics. Unlike my normal response to a zpack I found myself being unable to get up and around for very long without needing my inhaler and experiencing excruciating chest pain. The only thing that brought relief was laying completely still in bed. I mean completely, there were times I couldn’t even stay focused on what I had put on tv to keep my mind occupied. I would lay there staring up at the ceiling praying for relief.

If you have known me longer than a year, ok, maybe a month even, you know I am stubborn. I set a goal, work to crush it and if I don’t well, there’s usually an onslaught of negativity I bring upon myself until I get over it and set a new goal and repeat the process. Last week, those first few days my goal was make it through the work day and crash. That worked, temporarily. On Friday, I could barely make it through and the longer I put off resting the worse it got. I did what I had to do as a mom then gave up.

I don’t give up easily. Again, I’m stubborn. It wasn’t until in the quiet of the morning as I lay in bed that I had a realization that changed my perspective about this set back. That first night of defeat was tough for me, but I knew my body was winning. Every time I get sick, or even just have a twinge of pain I get scared. You see, I remember a time, not so long ago, when my life was ruled by pain and the depression that accompanies it. I remember days when I couldn’t be the mom, wife or friend I was created to be because I was so sick and in so much pain I couldn’t leave my bed. Here I am on day 5 of being so sick I can’t leave my bed. 5 days. Every day represents 2.5 years that I spent in that condition. Granted, it wasn’t always completely bedridden back then, but I may as well have been. I wasn’t a good mom. I couldn’t work. I was a horribly mean wife and hate how needy I was.

Why has this illness this week been so hard for me mentally? Because deep down I know what it is like to live every day trapped inside my own body. To have a fully functioning mind that is capable of so much that is limited by a weak external shell. I spent years trapped in that body. I don’t want to go back there, and even just a few days is reminder enough.

I had started to take this “new” body for granted. Instead of being grateful that I could exercise and cycle, I was bitter. I was grieving the loss of my ability to run. That loss was also a reminder that my “new” body isn’t as strong as it should be. That was the beginning of a return to the unhealthy me. I knew it was just a matter of time before I was fat, ugly and unhealthy again. Here I am, 30 lbs heavier than I want to be, and bedridden because my stupid body doesn’t work the way it should.

I have a choice to make today. One that will change how this story ends. I can keep wallowing in the woe is me mentally, or I can get back to fighting. Today fighting for my health doesn’t mean going out to run 10 miles, as much as I wish it did. Today fighting for my health starts with wining the mental battle that says I’m too weak and fat so I may as well give up. It would be so easy just to let this be the beginning of the end of my health journey. It clearly looks like I’m losing doesn’t it? Would anyone say that I’m healthy in any way right now?

But I know better. I know that even though I can’t run 10 miles, I am stronger than I was. The old me stopped fighting. The reason I spent so many years trapped inside that body and unhealthy mindset was because I had given up. I didn’t have any hope. But now I know that there’s hope, and a better way. I know what’s it is like to be healthy enough to care for my family, work, and take care of my body by exercising. I can get up and walk (well maybe not far today but soon). I can still lift weights. I can still cycle (when my lungs recover).

This morning I’ve been reminded that while I will be shackled to this weak exterior for my entire lifetime, I don’t have to let it confine me. Things may not look great right now, but there’s always hope. I refuse to let my kids have a mom who can’t be there for them. I refuse to be a lazy wife whose husband has to bear the burden of her and her children on his own. I refuse to not contribute to society as a whole by serving in my community and workplace. I can do all those things, even though I’m not as healthy as I could be. Those are my reasons to keep fighting. Despite my weaknesses, I will fight to be strong. What are you fighting for? Are you reasons for fighting for it stronger than your excuses not to?

Today I chose to run along the paved road. It was harder and my shoes got soaked from the dew, but in the end my knees didn’t hurt as bad as if I ran on concrete. Others passing by probably thought I was odd for choosing to run in the uncut, wet grass. But for me the less traveled road was the best choice.

How often do we choose to do something because that’s what everyone else does? You take that job because it’s the “right road” to a high paying career. We choose to hang out at places we shouldn’t because everyone else is. We spend our money on the newest and shiniest things so we can keep up with our friends.

Today I want to challenge you to make a different choice. What if you pursued a career because you want to help others even though it might mean making financial sacrifices? What if you spent your time with people and at places that make you a better person and not just another guy or gal that hangs out at the bar with the “in crowd”?
Today I want you to think about taking the road less traveled. We are all unique and that means there might be another path that leads us to being successful. Maybe the path you are on is going in the opposite direction of your dreams and goals.

Are you ready to change directions and pursue your passions instead of the socially accepted standards?

What can you do to start moving in a new direction, on the path that is best for you?

Are you ready to take the less traveled road?

Confession: I am a perfectionist.

My 3.96 gpa is good enough, but man those .04 points drives me nuts.  In perspective, I was going to school and raising 3 boys. For some of that time I was working, going to school, volunteering regularly and taking care of my family. In hindsight, a 3.96 gpa considering those things along with my physical health is pretty impressive.

Typos and grammatical errors are a huge annoyance to me. But I’m sure if you look hard enough you’ll find an error if you keep reading this.  You know what, I know only a handful of folks who may see a grammatical mistake if there is one. (You know you are going to search for one now that I mentioned it right?) That’s because in the grand scheme of life, spelling really isn’t a big deal.  The perfectionist in me just cringed, but I know deep down that’s true.

I lost 90 lbs, but now am at 80 lbs lost due to gaining 10 lbs back. I work out 6 days a week, run 20+ miles a week and eat clean 80% of the time. I recently started a new medicine that is making me gain weight, and it is driving me crazy. I was close to 95 lbs lost at one point, but I wasn’t healthy. I now allow myself to eat food, what I want, when I want it as long as I work out and eat clean a majority of the time. I learned along the way that for me a size 2 is not maintainable, at least not if I want to be emotionally and mentally sound. But, the perfectionist in me knows I can lose more weight. Having done it before, I know I can likely lose more weight. Notice I never said I gained 10 lbs because I stopped working out and eating clean.  I know that consistency is a huge part of my physical health, but there’s a fine line between being consistent and being obsessed. I am sure if I was still in that obsessive phase I would be at 100 lbs lost instead of 80.  I’ve not given up on my health, in fact, gaining 10 lbs is likely healthier for me in many ways. Those close to me frequently remind me of this truth. I hate them for it, but they are right.

Several times in the last week I’ve been reminded that perfection is an illusion.  No matter how much I wish I could have perfect abs, a spotless house, and a perfect marriage, there is no such thing as perfection. We live in a fallen world. What was perfectly created is now damaged goods due to the entrance of sin in the world.

Last week someone said, that striving for perfection is a struggle. I know this to be true. When you are striving for perfection you will always struggle since there is no such thing as perfection, at least not in this lifetime. In fact, scripture reminds us that while we are constantly changing and improving, we will never be perfect until Christ’s return.

“For I am confident of this very thing,

that He who began a good work in you will perfect

it until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6).

God is struggling alongside us each day to help us fulfill his plan for our lives. Do you know what that means? It means that while we may think when we get that job, that house, that spouse, that # on the scale that we will have arrived at perfection, we have not. How do I know this? Because the scripture says he will work to perfect us “until the day of Christ Jesus” (Phillipans 1:6). It doesn’t say, He will work to perfect us until we turn 18, or until we get that raise, or until our size 0 pants fit.

It’s not a bad thing to want a better job, a smaller waist, a healthier and happier marriage, or more money in your bank account. But it can be harmful to strive after goals that are based on unrealistic expectations.  In fact, wanting to improve yourself and become a better person is exactly what we are called to do. Scripture also says we “are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect” (Matthew 5:48).

Yep, this is where it gets confusing. So is Scripture saying we can be perfect or not? Again, I think we are to pursue fulfilling our God-given potential. We are to model our lives as the only one who was ever truly perfect, Christ. But is it realistic to think we can ever be perfect? Didn’t you just read what I said, there is only one person who was ever perfect on this earth, and it wasn’t you. Sorry if I just burst your bubble, someone had to do it. The point is, we must find a balance between striving for something unattainable for the wrong reasons and seeking to be the best we can be.

You can be the best you at whatever size you are, whatever the square footage of your home is, whatever model or year of car you drive, or whoever you are married to if you are constantly pursuing to be all that God designed you to be.  We must find a balance between achieving greatness by the standards of our culture and discipline ourselves to follow the only one who truly knows what perfection is. By no means am I saying that since perfection is an illusion that you may as well give up on your desire to be smarter, healthier or happier. In fact, I insist the opposite is true. If you believe that scripture is true, you will know that we are to constantly strive to follow God’s plan for our life, which includes trying to be more like Christ.

Instead of chasing the dreams and goals that our culture thinks lead to perfection I want you to consider a better way.  Scripture says:

That, however, is not the way of life you learned^ when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus.You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; ^ to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. (Ephesians 4:20-24).

The entire 4th chapter of the book of Ephesians offers practical ways to live that out, I highly recommend taking time to read it all! Trying to achieve perfection through the materialistic or culturally stated ideals is not healthy and likely won’t bring you the happiness you so desperately seek. I know once I got to a size 2 I still wasn’t happy. In fact, I’m happier and healthier today wearing my size 6 pants than I was when my size 2 pants fit. It’s true, I know you may find that hard to believe, but if you struggle with weight issues that’s a talk for another day. Contact me and I’d love to share more of that story with you!

My challenge for you today is to take a look at your life,

and think about what you are striving (or struggling) to achieve.

Are you reaching for the unattainable?

Are the consequences of this struggle worth it?

Are you searching for man’s ideal of perfection or God’s?

How can you re-prioritize your goals so that you can not only be successful in the eyes of others but God?

*For those who even question the validity of my claims about Christianity and scripture, that also is a discussion for another time. Again, reach out to me if you want to discuss it further. Even if you don’t agree with my views on scripture as a source of guidance, the practical advice given in Ephesians 4 is open to anyone. Read it for yourself. Loving others is not just for those who believe in Christ. Living responsible, kind, and giving lifestyles is not a bad way to invest the time you have on this earth regardless of your motivation or heavenly reward. Being the best you can have nothing or everything to do with your faith or lack thereof, that’s up to you decide. I think no matter your religious bent, we all can strive to be a little better.

^ 

Every day we choose how to spend our time. We have to decide how we will make best use of the 24 hours we have each day. If you are spontaneous you might not stick to a strict schedule, but rather let things happen as they arise. If you are like me, you need a schedule to keep you on track.

We all have “work” that needs to get done. Some will work for a paycheck, some for fame, others for passion and some may work out of obligation. Regardless of whether your work provides you with a 5 figure income or not, we can choose what we can do with the time when we are not doing “work”. For me, my work looks a lot different than others. I don’t earn an income at this time, aside from occasional commissions as a Beachbody coach. My work day involves laundry, cleaning, chauffeuring kids around, cooking and doing volunteer work for my church.  I also build exercise into my “work” day so that it doesn’t interfere with my family time once everyone else is at home for the day.

One of the biggest benefits of my “job” is freedom. In this season of my life I have been given a gift to share with others. Availability. I have time during the workday to invest in others. Sometimes that means pitching in when someone needs childcare, making extra meals to take to those in need or volunteering my time to help others.  While I know my season of life likely differs from yours, I want to challenge you to make room in your life to be available for yourself and for others.

We all are given the same 24 hours each day.  You can choose to spend your evenings catching up on shows on Netflix or Hulu, or you could invest time in building relationships with others.  Instead of wasting an evening on the internet, spend time serving someone who needs help.  Be available.

In our busy society, it’s easy to get bogged down and over-committed.  It’s good to take a look at your schedule and evaluate if the way you are spending your time reflects your values and priorities. If you know your health is important but you sit down in front of the tv with a bag of chips and bowl of ice cream instead of going for a walk then you might want to re-think your priorities or make a different choice.  If you say your family time is important yet you spend it with everyone in the same room playing on their electronic devices, maybe you have lost sight of what quality time means.  If you feel lonely and wish you had friends yet choose to stay home alone instead of investing in relationships with others then your loneliness will just continue.

How are you spending your time outside of your workplace obligations? 

Do you have an extra 30 minutes a day that you can invest in yourself? 

When was the last time you read a book, listened to a podcast or took a class about something you enjoy or want to learn?

Have you invested in community with others?

Do you know someone who could use a little extra help?

If so, what can you do today to be available to serve them?

If you feel like the busyness of life is wearing you down, take time to track how you spend your time.

What small tweaks in your schedule can you make so that you are able to do more for yourself and others? 

In a year from now, will you look back and regret how you spent your time?

What can you start or stop doing today so that a year from now you will be proud of the person you have become and how you are spending your time?

Thanks for taking the time to read this, I hope it was a good use of your time!

If you are reading, please take time to comment and let me know your thoughts.

I’d love to hear what topics you’d be interested in reading about on a more frequent basis.

Have you ever decided not to act because you were waiting for something to happen? Maybe you were waiting on someone to call you or for that check to come in the mail.  I like to call this wishful waiting. It’s that hopeful time when you have nothing to do but be patient and expect great things. This can end one of two ways. If you are lucky, things will go as you desired and you will rejoice when life goes as you planned. Unfortunately, sometimes the result of wishful waiting ends in disappointment.

This can happen a lot in relationships. You meet someone new. Things get off to a good start, you decide they are the one and you just wait for the stars to align. Sadly, we can’t always get what we want.  The most important part of wishful waiting is what happens after that waiting period ends. Sometimes we have to give up hope and do something new. Other times we get a clear “no” or some form of opposition to what we were hoping for.  For a blessed few, they get exactly what their heart desired.

But what about those who don’t get what they dreamed or hoped for? How do you move forward once your hopes have been dashed? When that guy you met doesn’t return your calls? When the dr calls with a negative test result instead of a positive one? What do you do when the plans fall through on the financing for your new house or car?

How you respond to these times of disappointment are perfect opportunities for personal growth.  I’ve been in a period of wishful waiting, for several things and various reasons. I am seeking a part time job. But not just a job, a position that allows me to use my unique gifts and talents. A role that is personally satisfying. I am looking for more than a paycheck, but also a mission. Those are high and lofty wishes when the culture we live in says you must work 40 hours a week to keep and maintain a decent paying job to support your family. Often, people work at jobs they hate just to pay the bills. I am a dreamer. I want more than that for myself. I think we are all worthy of more than that.  The truth is, the bills still need paid.

Lately I’ve had several instances where my hopes have come crashing down in front of me. I’ve been on the verge of tears as my heart breaks for a dream I realize will go unfulfilled. I have choices to make. I’ve been in this place before. When I must decide if my dreams are worth risking financial security for. My heart says yes, my dreams are worth it. Again, the culture says I’m crazy. The bill collectors mock me.

I will have more decisions to make in the coming days and weeks, but for now I am choosing hope. I know that I have a specific purpose to fulfill. As I wait to see how that will unfold, I know that sometimes periods of wishful waiting require action.  So, I continue the pursuit for a job, one that pays the bills in hopes that one day I will be able to truly follow my heart and serve in ministry. I don’t know what’s next but I know that if I want to succeed I can’t stand in this pit of disappointment and give up.

If people give up dating they could miss out on the amazing spouse that is awaiting them. If someone chooses not to pursue their dream they will never be able to rejoice when it comes to pass.  So as I wait, I will remain hopeful. I value my family and serving others. I will pursue positions that allow me to do both.  I will continue to follow my heart, even if it means continuing to make sacrifices.

What you are you wishfully waiting for? Are there actions you need to take to work towards seeing your dream fulfilled? Have you lost hope? Did you lose the passion for a dream because it was too hard to keep wishfully waiting for it?

I challenge you to think back on what you want, what you value, and what your heart is calling you to do.

I want to challenge you to not give up hope, even when life disappoints you.

Each disappointment is a chance to grow and learn.

What can you learn from your current failure, mistake, or disappointment?