Wisdom from my walk

I have been accused of being a person that overshares on facebook. I tend to think that’s not altogether true. I like to think that I present a true portrait of my life on social media. I don’t hide the bad days and glorify the good days. I would rather be authentic than perfect.

These last few weeks I’ve had to extend a great deal of restraint in sharing the true details of my life. The truth is, life right now has been one great big downward decline into a valley so deep I didn’t know how I would ever get out of it. It seemed every day new challenges arose. Challenges I wanted to share but there wasn’t always enough info to give and it often left us with more questions. I didn’t want to be the person who made vague updates and then left you hanging. We have been waiting and waiting for months for answers.

Most recently, we have been waiting for 2 weeks for very important answers. About a year ago I found a lump on my side. I mentioned it to my doctor who said it was probably a lipoma and nothing to worry about. Over the year my health declined, at times rapidly and sometimes in ways that scared us beyond words.

I noticed over the last 6 months that this lump was growing in size and changing in consistency. When I was facing recurring pneumonia I began to wonder if it was related, but brushed it off because it wasn’t that big of a lump. More recently I noticed the lump had hardened. At an ER visit for something not related I said, hey I think it’s not related but maybe someone should look at this lump just in case. They referred me to a surgeon. I had to wait weeks to get a consultation appointment. After that appointment I had to wait weeks for my surgery appointment.

Two weeks ago, I had an outpatient surgery to remove the mass. It was deeply rooted and went down into my ribs. The dr admitted today that it was harder to remove than he expected due to how deep it was embedded in my muscle. What appeared externally as a small lump was actually a larger internal mass. (maybe my body is so confusing because it’s actually a Tardis?)

Today we found out that the lump was benign, NON CANCEROUS.

Based on the type of tumor it was I may be at risk for developing more of these kind of tumors, but they are usually not cancerous. It’s been a long two weeks. Actually, it’s been a long month or so waiting to get to surgery and then to results today.

Along the way, and even before that I have been unwell. Chances are my symptoms aren’t at all related to this mass, so we still don’t have many answers other than the good news that this mass was not cancerous. Which is great and relieves a lot of stress!

This is not my first battle with the big “C” word. I’ve had skin cancer removed and get frequent colonscopies due to a history of polyps. It wasn’t my first surgery, in fact my list of surgeries is pretty intensive, you should have heard the nurses talking about me at the hospital two weeks ago. We had a few laughs about my medical history.

You would think by now I would be accustomed to waiting for test results. These last few weeks have been torture compared to past experiences. I admit I was somewhat hopeful that what we learned today might give us the answers and help figure out why I keep getting sick, but it’s never that easy.

I see my primary care doctor next week to follow up and determine what our next steps will be.  There are still some pending genetic test results we are waiting for but my doctors expect they will be normal. So there you have it, the last few weeks of vague posts and reasons why I’ve been unwell and not my normal cheery self lately, in addition to the chronic hoarse voice and other symptoms of course all summed up in a not so neat package.

I hope you forgive me for not being open and honest these last two weeks, I’ve tried to protect long distance relatives from unnecessary worry. We’ve done enough worrying for everyone I’m sure.

I am still recovering from my 2 inch incision. The dr thinks I will continue to have pain for a few weeks due to how deep the mass was, which is actually good news as I was concerned that I was still in pain. I’ve been trying to be more active and walking more but won’t be able to get back to my beloved workouts for a few more weeks until my incision heals.

I am very grateful to those who were aware of this struggle as its unfolded and for those who have been praying for my health even not knowing the details. It was very hard to hide the daily struggle, but it was a much needed lesson in silence that clearly I needed to learn.

Seeing as I’m still voiceless, it’s a lesson I’ve yet to master. I hope to update this blog more as my journey continues to unfold and avoid oversharing on FB for those who dislike that!

Thanks for being patient with me through this difficult season and understanding my reasons for staying silent about the uncertainties we were facing.