Wisdom from my walk

Review of the weekend so far, well lets just say I am the worst hostess around. I cant help but be grouchy when our usually comfortably full house of the four of us in invaded. Not to mention I am already down in the dumps about myself so it’s hard to put on a happy face when I can barely muster up a smile for my gleeful son. Dean is feeling the pressure and I hate to make his visit with his mom bad, so I’ve resorted to spending the night pretending to be asleep in our bedroom so that no one sees how bitchy I get at this time of month. I swear I am having a cyst or else some other serious pain and I cant take it on top of all this lack of privacy in my own house. I hate to be a bitch but I know everyone in the house thinks I am today, why, because I chose to voice my opinion when I feel like I am getting stepped all over. My mother in law came back from being out most of the day and asked what I did and I couldnt help but answer w/ a snappy cleaned, took care of Caleb, cleaned, fed Caleb, cleaned up after everyone, fed Caleb, see a pattern here, damnit its Saturday, it’s supposed to be my day off , not that I mind caring for my son, it’s just sometimes a mom needs a break. Am I a horrible mom to need some downtime especially when there are tons of people around to babysit? Sorry everyone, yes, I am a bitch sometimes, and I dont care! Everyone deserves some time to a break, even if for a few minutes and I had to literally just leave my son in my mother in laws arms and go hide so people would get the point. I am scared to death to enter the living room and kitchen for fear of seeing the mess that I am sure awaits me, it’s a never ending job and sure I signed up for it, but I also signed up for a help mate way before that…..I think the real issue for me today is that I spent the day alone with my son, which was fine, but I’d sure love to spend one day a week w/ some adult interaction, and you’d think the weekend is when that would happen, but not in this house. I think Dean and I need some time by ourselves together, I think we’ll have to invest in a babysitter soon, but since we had such a lack of funds for entertainment and childcare it’s been out of the question but I think we had better get a break soon or I dont think we’ll make it to another date ever or maybe even worse…..Counseling this week was a joke, or at least I thought so, all I have to say is, dont go to couples therapy during a time when you have PMS because your husband will say how horrible you are and the dr will not appreciate your laughter as you listen to his complaining. Like I said, yeah sometimes I can be a bitch, but dont we all have those moments sometimes?

Let me not fail to mention my morning started off on the wrong foot to begin with. After showering and getting ready for the day I come out to the kitchen to see my son being fed oreo cookies, it’s not even 9 a.m. not to mention babies arent supposed to have chocolate. I was so pissed, it took everything in me to bite my tongue and walk away. Luckily he doesnt seem to be allergic to chocolate. And apparently some people dont know that babies shouldnt be fed chocolate or peanut products before one or even two years of age (if they are known to have problems w/ allergies). Okay, enough whining, maybe I will quit pretending and just go to be and pray I wake up in a better mood tomorrow.

My mother in law is staying with us this weekend. Dean and I slept in while she watched Caleb, I felt so guilty about it that I could stay in bed later than 8 a.m. I did get a shower while I had the chance to. Now the house is already clean, and Caleb is napping while Dean is at Home Depot and my mother in law is at her sisters, and here I sit with nothing to do. Nada. I put some laundry in, but I dont really need to do laundry. I just felt the need to do something productive. The work that needs done outside cant be done til Dean gets back and by then Caleb will be awake. I did all my housework already this week. All thats left is grocery shopping, and who feels like grocery shopping on a beautiful day like today, especailly when my hubby is home. but he’s got things to work on and I guess for me it’ll just be another day caring for Caleb, which is fine, but I just want a little fun. But when Dean asks what I want to do I cant think of anything. I’m so used to not having any time for us or even me that I dont even know what I would do if and when the time comes when I can go out and do something. But now as I sit here, I am bored out of my mind. I know theres got to be something productive to do, but then I think, and theres not. Oh well, I guess Caleb and I will just chill out today and relax, and to think it is supposed to be a Saturday! I feel like it’s a monday or something. Things should get mroe exciting later, I think we are all going to dinner, as a family thing. Until then I will just enjoy the peace and quiet, nevermind that, the baby monitor just awoke with sounds of a quite unhappy baby. Back to work for me…..

Okay, something is definitely wrong with me. Tonight we went to pick up the set of dishes my aunt was giving us. On the way we tried to find a snowball stand that was open, the one we like was open but the line was way too long since we had a sleeping baby in the car and somewhere to be. I ended up just getting an ice cream elsewhere, but if I knew there was someplace open now, even though it’s midnight, I’d go. We came home w/ 6 boxes, aside from not having to tear off wrapping paper, I felt like it was Christmas. Dean outright refused to help me unpack and re-organize the kitchen, I mean it was already after 10 at that point. But we are having house guests this weekend and I was afraid if I didnt do it now I’d never get around to it tomorrow having Caleb. And after doing it, I know I never would have gotten any thing done with those boxes w/ him, it took forever. The biggest hassle was finally deciding which cabinets would store what. When we moved in, I just put things where they fit. Lately it’s been driving me nuts, I knew it coudl be more organized, and now the cupboards are filled w/ a beautiful complete set of dishes and is very organized. I’m amazed I could do it by myself.

The reason I said something is wrong with, well as I unpacked box after box and realized just how much there was in the set of dishes I started to cry! Who cries over dishes. I went to tell Dean and he said, they are just dishes. I said I know, they are dishes! We’ve always had things given to us, albeit used. But this set is in great shape, how bad can dishes get worn anyway? And there was so much to it. Tons of bowls and things we’ll probably never use. I guess to me, it’s just that now our kitchen is more like a kitchen. No more plastic dishes getting ruined in the dishwasher. Real dishes. We even got a new mixer today, it’s not used, fresh out of the box, as new as new can be. It’s a long story, but put it this way, it’s a really late wedding gift. It’s one of those hand held mixers that attaches to a stand w/ a bowl, super nifty and just what I’ve always wanted, as silly as that sounds. But I bake a lot and it will be so great to have! With the recently new paint to the kitchen, a different stove (although I would much rather have a new one), new (to us) dishes, and a new mixer, things are really shaping up. I guess it’s just that I love to cook and bake and create in the kitchen, and for a while there it was getting on my nerves have a chaotic kitchen, now it’s almost perfect! And the thought of just how much money those dishes are worth and knowing it was a gift, so what if they are used, she could have chose to give them to someone else, knowing that as odd as it may sound, it was a blessing. God knew what would make me happy and right now, having a more complete kitchen helps me a lot. Being home all day, I dont have much to take pride in, but lately I’ve taken to going out of my way to make dinner time more special, more of a goal for my day.

Oh my god, Caleb just scared the hell out of me! I heard him crying so I went in to check on him, and he was sitting up crying, I didnt notice if his eyes were open, I guess I just assumed they were. I gave him his pacifier and turned around to get a diaper and wipes since I know he wasnt changed before he fell asleep. All of the sudden I turned back around and he was quiet and all of the sudden fell head first onto the mattress. I thought he passed out or worse. I guess he was just sleeping and crawling and once I gave him his pacifier he calmed and fell deeper asleep and conked out. I know the baby books say sometimes they even stand and cry in their sleep unknowinly to them, but I’ve never seen him do it. I thought something was really wrong so I felt his back to make sure he was breathing and he was, and I could hear him sucking on his pacifier. It just looked so bad, when he just fell over. Poor little guy, sleep walking already! Ah, I hope he doesnt do that again, it really scared me.

Well it’s late and I still have boxes in my kitchen to clean up, yuck. But it will be so worth it tomorrow when I get up and realize how neat my kitchen is, right now I am in somewhat a sleepy daze, I am exhausted but too motivated to head to bed yet.

Record highs today reached 93 degrees! Does that mean we will be heat struck until next winter? Or is this just a chance thing that will go away and then we’ll get snow in a week or two? Who knows. But its a good thing Caleb had a few summer outfits, but I think we need to get some more. Not to mention I think Dean needs some summer clothes too.

Giving Caleb a bath has been a chore lately, he wont sit in his baby tub, he wants out all of the time. I am so afraid he is going to fall and either choke on water or hit his head. So today I took his baby tub out and just barely filled out the tub. He had a ball crawling from one end to the other to chase his toys as they floated away. Not to mention he loves to pull up onto the water nozzle and stand. I hope he grows out of this or he will end up showering with Dean or I cause it’s just too risky having him the tub standing, I mean he’s only 8 months old! But it helped so much just putting him in the regular tub w/ out his baby one. He had more room and I didnt have to worry about him falling out of his tub into the regular tub. I know he’s young to take a regular bath but I had no other options since I still havent come up with a way for me to shower with him and then get him dressed and myself dressed at the same time.

It’s been an uneventfull day, we didnt go to the park, mostly because I am in a lot of back and abdominal pain, another ovarian cyst would be my guess, and because of the extreme heat. We dont have any sunscreen and I dont want Caleb to fry in this sun. Tonight we have counseling and hopefully we’ll get snowballs too! (we didnt have snowballs in Ohio! so I am so excited to back in baltimore for the summer, snowballs, crabs, and the ocean is just a short drive away, ah, now i remember why I liked Baltimore so much!)

This monring has been great! I got up and showered, all before 7:30 a.m. which is a huge change for me, then took Dean to catch his train. On the way home I scanned the radio and found a Christian station talking about the role of mothers and especially stay at home mothers. I listened and cried all the way home. I’ve been struggling with being at home knowing I am not bringing in any money, and hearing that message touched my heart so much. I thought some stay at home moms might be interested in this, about Bring your Daughter Home day, it’s supposed to be a way for SAHM to bring their daughters home since some schools didnt let them do that on Take Your Daughter to Work day, since they thought SAHM is not a real job. I know it’s a Christian oriented thing, but even if you’re not a Christian you should still be able to stand up for you choice to be a SAHM.

It’s so early and I’ve already got a lot accomplished. I’m starting to diet today, I just hope I can keep up with it. It’s hard being at home all day and not munching on goodies, so I tried to stock up on some fruit so I could eat that instead. It’s a beautiful day out so I am sure Caleb and I will go for a walk and now that its so nice I should be able to walk more often so hopefully that helps too. With any luck I can lose some weight and get in shape, I’d like to do that and then maybe think about having another baby. But theres no way I am not doing it again without being in a little better shape. Especially since I’ll be pregnant and taking care of Caleb, and it’s hard enough to keep up with him now. Not to mention he’s been standing unsupported a lot more lately and he walks great when we hold his hands, even if we just hold one of his hands he can walk. So I’d say by the end of the month he’ll be walking and standing by himself, so I better get ready to be on the move more, it’s hard now and all he does is crawl. Well got a lot to get done today, by the way its Tax Day!

We have spent most of the weekend outdoors. Today it was 80 degrees! It kept getting a little cloudy and we thought it might rain but it never did! We were able to finally clean up our yard, including getting it mowed. We sprayed down the outside of the house and you could actually see the dirt drip down, yuck! Nevertheless it looks much cleaner! We were worried about the use of the hose causing the basement to get wet, that’s what used to happen. Dean did some patch work a few days ago, since they told us we needed to in order for the appraiser to pass off on it. We were suprised to see it didnt leak, which was great news as far as the appraisal. Just a few more things to get done and we will be homeowners! It’s been such a long process! But even being able to work outside today made it feel like our home. I haven’t done yard work since living with my mom which seems like so long ago, and being able to do it myself without anyone telling me to was great. I pulled weeds, and moved some patio blocks, they were SO heavy. We did a lot this weekend, it felt great, but now I am exhausted! So I think we’ll enjoy a nice relaxing evening at home! Hopefully my mom is coming over and bringing some patio furniture they dont use anymore, which would just make all of our hard work outside so much more worth it. It would have been so nice last night to sit outside on our deck but we dont have any furniture yet. Well hope everyone had a great weekend!

BTW, we went to church this morning, I barely spoke to anyone, just a few ladies, ironically who aren’t even in our small group! Oh well, we are doing our best to keep the peace but it’s hard……

I’ve been really struggling lately emotionally. I had to have Dean come home early yesterday from work because I just couldnt handle Caleb well enough being in the state of mind I was in. Today I thought I was doing fine, until Dean came home and worked on the bills. Todays pay day, but once again we are in the hole after paying bills. I really should get a job but I am not ready to and I dont want to have to struggle w/ all of the child care issues again, that stress is enough to drive one mad. So we argued over money, or rather I got angry about things and Dean listened. He decided to take care of Caleb so I could get some time out, I fell asleep for a litlte while and woke w/ the same stressful thoughts pouring through my mind that I’d fallen asleep with. Then we headed out to get groceries, for some reason shopping, yes even grocery shopping helps me. I think it has to do with feeling in control of getting the food and baby supplies that Caleb needs. We had planned to go out tonight and meet some new friends at a laser tag place, we even found a babysitter this afternoon, but after going over the bills and knowing I dont work I decided I’d stay home and watch my son so Dean could have a night out. I figure when I work I can spend my money leisurely until then I will make sure we have money to buy baby supplies and food for Dean’s work lunches. I am fine with this, I cant help but wonder if all wives worry so about their husbands. I always prepare Dean’s lunches and make sure he has clean clothes, good thing too, because he never thinks of these things until he’s about to leave in the morning. I’ve always been good at mothering, seems like I did a lot of that with my brother when we were growing up, since mom was working and dad wasnt in the picture. We took care of each other. Funny how I can put so much effort into caring for others but I dont even know where to start when I need nurturing or even just comfort for my own problems. Dean has been great putting up with my recent bouts with mood swings and depression, and I think it must be odd that I can admit my problems, but I never did have a problem admitting what was wrong, I just never know what to do to fix it. I guess if I did I wouldnt be so down in the dumps all of the time. yeah, things have been rough lately, financially and emotionally, but none the less Dean and I are still holding on and in general we’re doing good as a couple. We both know we’ll make it through this, and I know if it werent for him and that baby I’d be a lot worse off than I am now. As soon as I heard Dean get home from work yesterday I felt releived and well finally being able to shower, even if it was 3:40 p.m. helped too. Caleb’s been very clingy lately, and I cant help but wonder if he sense something is wrong with me and is attempting to comfort me. Today I swear he was trying to kiss me, that or bite my cheek! It was adorable. I have taken my time with him to be a true gift from God. We know we will be struggling with money for a while but as Dean put it tonight, we’ll get by. Despite being at home and knowing Dean is out enjoying himself, I feel good. Even Stacey’s not home yet, and Caleb’s in bed already so I really am trying to take advantage of this truly quiet time since it is so rare. I’ve taken up on reading again this week. I so enjoy a good book, but I dont ever have time. But I made time this week. Instead of napping as much I made sure I got the housework done early and read during Caleb’s afternoon nap. I usually take the mornings easily and then make up for it in the afternoon by hurrying to get chores done and trying to keep up with Caleb since he rarely takes afternoon naps anymore. I think I’ll take this sacred time to go invest in me, yeah, maybe a nice bubble bath and a book will ease me into a good nights sleep…..