I’ve been really struggling lately

I’ve been really struggling lately emotionally. I had to have Dean come home early yesterday from work because I just couldnt handle Caleb well enough being in the state of mind I was in. Today I thought I was doing fine, until Dean came home and worked on the bills. Todays pay day, but once again we are in the hole after paying bills. I really should get a job but I am not ready to and I dont want to have to struggle w/ all of the child care issues again, that stress is enough to drive one mad. So we argued over money, or rather I got angry about things and Dean listened. He decided to take care of Caleb so I could get some time out, I fell asleep for a litlte while and woke w/ the same stressful thoughts pouring through my mind that I’d fallen asleep with. Then we headed out to get groceries, for some reason shopping, yes even grocery shopping helps me. I think it has to do with feeling in control of getting the food and baby supplies that Caleb needs. We had planned to go out tonight and meet some new friends at a laser tag place, we even found a babysitter this afternoon, but after going over the bills and knowing I dont work I decided I’d stay home and watch my son so Dean could have a night out. I figure when I work I can spend my money leisurely until then I will make sure we have money to buy baby supplies and food for Dean’s work lunches. I am fine with this, I cant help but wonder if all wives worry so about their husbands. I always prepare Dean’s lunches and make sure he has clean clothes, good thing too, because he never thinks of these things until he’s about to leave in the morning. I’ve always been good at mothering, seems like I did a lot of that with my brother when we were growing up, since mom was working and dad wasnt in the picture. We took care of each other. Funny how I can put so much effort into caring for others but I dont even know where to start when I need nurturing or even just comfort for my own problems. Dean has been great putting up with my recent bouts with mood swings and depression, and I think it must be odd that I can admit my problems, but I never did have a problem admitting what was wrong, I just never know what to do to fix it. I guess if I did I wouldnt be so down in the dumps all of the time. yeah, things have been rough lately, financially and emotionally, but none the less Dean and I are still holding on and in general we’re doing good as a couple. We both know we’ll make it through this, and I know if it werent for him and that baby I’d be a lot worse off than I am now. As soon as I heard Dean get home from work yesterday I felt releived and well finally being able to shower, even if it was 3:40 p.m. helped too. Caleb’s been very clingy lately, and I cant help but wonder if he sense something is wrong with me and is attempting to comfort me. Today I swear he was trying to kiss me, that or bite my cheek! It was adorable. I have taken my time with him to be a true gift from God. We know we will be struggling with money for a while but as Dean put it tonight, we’ll get by. Despite being at home and knowing Dean is out enjoying himself, I feel good. Even Stacey’s not home yet, and Caleb’s in bed already so I really am trying to take advantage of this truly quiet time since it is so rare. I’ve taken up on reading again this week. I so enjoy a good book, but I dont ever have time. But I made time this week. Instead of napping as much I made sure I got the housework done early and read during Caleb’s afternoon nap. I usually take the mornings easily and then make up for it in the afternoon by hurrying to get chores done and trying to keep up with Caleb since he rarely takes afternoon naps anymore. I think I’ll take this sacred time to go invest in me, yeah, maybe a nice bubble bath and a book will ease me into a good nights sleep…..