There’s a fine line between love and hate, but right now I am not sure where I stand with my feelings about some people. Our church holds small group meetings every week, there’s no real ryhme or reason to how the groups are determined, whereas in Ohio we had groups by interest group. Everyone in our current group is between 20-40, some couples, some singles, and 3 newborns. I have several issues that I dont quite agree with our current church on, but when it comes down to the basics there is no problem. The things I have a problem with arent that big a deal and dont affect how I worship or serve or have my relationship with Christ. A big part of the church’s goals is to “love people into relationship w/ Christ.” It’s something Dean and I like a lot about our church. But lately I’ve felt like our group and the church itself is turning into a bunch of high school politics.
After attending bible college together for a semester and getting hurt by fellow students Dean and I stopped attending church. We didnt want to be seen as hypocrites or watch other hypocrites. It wasnt until after finding the Vineyard church in Ohio that we finally felt we found someplace we felt like we could fit in and quickly got involved in ministry there. Leaving that church, we knew we would put a lot of thought into what church to go to here. We visited our current church, not making any decisions on if we were going to attend at first, but mostly because it’s the church Dean grew up in. But since we’d gone there as kids the church has revamped its approach to evangelism and even worship itself. It was turning into more of a Vineyard type church. For that fact and that fact alone, we decided we’d stay with this church. We knew some people and they knew us and we were mostly in tune with what the church was doing and where they plan to be going with evangelism. We quickly found a group to fit in with, or so we thought.
A few weeks ago, after feeling guilty for not sharing with our group how we’d started counseling and how I was dealing with some depression, I reached out in a small group setting to share with everyone how I was “really” doing. This is how it should be. It should be a “safe” place to open up and get encouragement and support. That night I felt much better and even since then I’ve done a lot better, until today. That night almost every woman in the group promised to call and check up on me and to get together w/ me during the week. Since that day, weeks ago, I have not received one such phone call or even in church on Sundays have I had a single conversation with anyone. Hurt, yes, I would say I am quite wounded.
I’ve got the mind just to not go this weekend to church, but that would be fitting right in with their state of mind. I will not be false. If I wanted to be false I would not have poured out my heart to share how I felt with them. Last night, yes this is the irony of it all, a friend from our church came over to dinner. The irony of it is, Dean dated her while we were teens. We all met in the same church group. And currently we are not in the same small group. If anyone should reach out to us, it wouldnt be her, or so you’d think. She steps outside the boundaries of her group, and we all stepped outside our comfort level, I mean come on, she’s my husband’s ex! And what happens. the night is filled with fun and laughter, and ends with a good hearted hug and thanks! After she left I started to think about this, how she could be there for us, yes, she was one of two church people to actually help us renovate the new house after we sent several requests to our church group saying we could use some helping hands to paint and such. Then I started to think why. Why is it that I cant trust people enough to let them in. I know that this friend is more here because of her friendship with Dean and more ironically has more in common with my one true best friend than she does with me, yet she asked me to go out and spend the evening with her. (due to both of our lack of much money, we decided to have dinner in and ended up playing cards with Dean and Stacey.) It was meant to be a girls night out, that yes, she initiated. She was not there the night I laid my heart on the line yet I know if she had been , she would have called!
Where I am going with all of this? I am not sure, more just venting. But point is, when coming to this church, I knew there’d be a lot for me to deal with, most of these people Dean grew up with and I did not. They knew of me, since I’d been around off and on throughout our teen years. I told Dean time and time again that I would try my best to trust these new friends but that it’s hard for me. We’d both been burnt a lot by so called “church” people. In general I’ve been hurt by a lot of so called “friends” over the years as well, churched or not. I always put up a wall that takes a long time to break down. but after a few meeting with this group it was like I had no wall up, I shared and more recently was sharing more and more. This was a big step for me. I was feeling confident that this would be a great new beginning. Then slowly as the wall around my heart crumbled, they started to throw their little daggers in.
I received an email yesterday from a group member, about something very non-important in general, but the contents of the email were a direct blow to me. Once again, being the last to be told about something and then being asked for my help after no one has been there despite my cries for help, it was the last straw, or so I thought. Then today Dean recieves an email from our group leaders which just was the icing on the cake. He wrote to “counsel” Dean on certain contents of an email Dean sent to the group about our prayer requests regarding closing on the house and our current car situation. Dean was asking for prayer, yet he got a mean reply from the leader of the group saying dont do that. Appparently Dean’s email made some people feel like we were pressuring them to help us, but all he was asking for was their prayers. Like I mentioned before, Dean and I left the church, rather, stopped going to church at all, after being hurt again and again by different so called “Christians” both at our churches and at bible college. But being the adult and knowing that we all have faults, I am going to try this time to let my faith be strengthened by this test. I could give in and give up again on the church, but it’s not the church or even God I am mad at. It’s people claiming to be something they arent. I know it’s not always easy to walk the walk, but heck dont try to be the shepherd when you cant even see the path for yourself. I dont claim to be a goody goody, in fact I’ll be the first to admit I dont read and pray every day, but I try. I do my best to keep my faith strong and my relationship with Christ open. But I also dont go around claiming I am more worthy than you, and I sure enough dont go around counseling others or even trying to lead others because I know I am not worthy and until God gives me the strength and wisdom to do so, I will gladly sit in the back row and keep my faith to myself and do my best to keep my family headed down the right path. I’ll be in church Sunday, and I’ll even be working the powerpoint for the sermon and service all because I will be forgiving and I’ll be the adult. Because that’s what Christians do, be loving and forgiving, unconditionally.
“When I was a child, I spoke as a child. I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I become a man, I will put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known. And now abide faith, hope, love, these there; but the greatest of these if love.” I Cor. 13:11-13
