Wisdom from my walk

I cant watch one single Oprah show w/out crying. It drives me nuts, I wonder why I put myself through the torture of personal growth through hearing others stories. Today the topic was Inside Personal Journals. I always get something out of her shows, and today it wasnt life changing, just affirmation that there’s more to my writing than just taking time out from my busy day. I know that the more I write the more I learn about how I am doing. I write things I would never say or even share with anyone. I also tend to write things and then look back at it and say wow is that really how I feel. Its like I start writing and my hands just type the words in my head without me even realizing what I am saying. Then afterward I can read it and see how I truly feel or think about things. There are days when I feel like crap but I’ll write about how great my family is. Chances are I am just upset about how we are struggling and how hopeless things seem, yet in the midst of all the stress, life goes on and great things are happening. We are all growing and changing and loving. I hate the days when I feel like I should write yet I try to and cant. Writing is my anti-drug. Today there are a lot of words in my head that I dont have time to write, and instead I share the feelings of them w/ Dean and Caleb through my actions. Lucky for them today I am in a good mood! 😉

It worked! I taught Caleb to call me mommy! In the last few days he will say it quietly as if he’s not sure of himself. He proudly says Da da da all day long, until today. Today he walked over to me and said Mamma and held up his arms! I was on the verge of tears, I swooped him up into my arms and gave him a big hug and lots of kisses! Ah, the joys of being a stay at home mom!

Despite our financial problems, I must say I am thrilled to think Dean may get some days to spend w/ Caleb as a result of his lay off. I think he and Caleb will both benefit greatly from more time together, even if it is going to put us in the poor house, at least we’ll be happy and together!

Today we went to Sandy Point State Park with my brother and his family. It was Caleb’s first beach experience. I got the worst sunburn. We lathered the kids in sunscreen and Dean too. But I thought it would be nice to get a little sun but I didnt realize how much I would get til I am aching all over now! Dean was being a sweetie and slathering me with aloe vera and thought that he should take a pic cause it is so red. What a husband! I always do this, every summer I get a really bad sunburn and say I’ll not do it again, but here we go again! Despite the agony I will be in for a few days, it was well worth it. Caleb loves to be in the water and he really enjoyed being able to play in the sand. I never let him play in dirt cause I hate cleaning him up a zillion times a day, but today I let him go for it since I could just take him for a swim in the bay to rinse it off. It was great to be with my brother and his family. I am so glad we are able to be near them now. Unfortunately that means we are away from Dean’s family, and now we are missing them lots. Why cant we all just be in the same place!? I hate having to have them miss out on things but if we were there I’d feel that way about my family. Theres no way to win.

Caleb has decided he no longer wants to eat baby food, he hasnt eaten any in days. But everytime I get out a yogurt to eat for myself, he cries until I share it. So this morning I got out my yogurt and gave him a few spoonfuls then got out a bowl and mixed some baby food in it w/ some dry cereal to make sure he gets his iron and he ate it. Until he figured out I was eating my yogurt from a different container than the bowl I was feeding him from! He’s too smart for me! But at least I got some food in him. All he ate yesterday was bananas and a few noodles. I feel bad that he doesnt eat much but he just wont. Hopefully its just his teeth bothering him. At least we wont have to buy baby food anytime soon!

Everyday I fall more and more in love with my son. I have so enjoyed being able to be home with him. Today we spent awhile in the pool playing, he tends to love playing w/ the hose more though, I think he would benefit from a sprinkler toy more but I enjoy the pool. The last 2 weeks have been hard for me, Caleb is teething and has developed a horrible temper if he doesnt get his way. But even after a long day or morning of dealing with his whining, he always cuddles up on my lap and falls asleep. Lately he’s been walking over to the couch and crawling up my legs into my lap all by himself. It’s so cute, its much easier that way to know if he wants to be held. He’s getting much more vocal and it’s getting easier to tell what he wants. He’s even started pulling on his diaper when its wet.

July 12th is Dean’s last day of work. Last night we were discussing options. Dean seems to think him staying home with the baby and my going to work sounds good since he can collect unemployment since he’s getting laid off. I think Dean is a great dad, but I dont know if I could handle being away from Caleb all day. Even with the rough days I’ve had, there are always naps and always Caleb smiles and hugs that make it all worth it. He even says Ma Ma more now! I think it would be great for Caleb to have his daddy home, but I just wish we could both be with him. We are not sure what will happen after July 12th.

Last night I came to the realization that ever since we moved here life has been very hard for us. Its been one thing after another. We had no place to live, then we did. We have no working or legally licensed car in MD. We still have no car that is ours that works and soon we may not even have the car we are using. Now Dean is losing his job, the whole reason we came back to MD to begin with. We know that we came here for a reason and that God wouldnt have given us this house without providng the mortgage money to pay for it. But right now all we can do is be patient and pray. I am so bad about worrying, but I’ve come to the point that we are down to the last straw. we are having everything taken from us, yet we still have each other and a beautiful son. There is only so much we can do to get employment and there are a lot less opptys here than there were in Ohio. Anymore when something bad happens to us I just laugh it off. Its kind of like, it cant get much worse and well if it does HA! Another day another trial. Another trial another victory, even if it’s just our growing as a couple and/or family. We can take it and we will survive. We dont know how or when we will find the answers we need, but everyday we get closer to something, even if it just feels like we are getting closer to poverty! I keep reminding myself that people get by on a lot less money than we have right now and soon we will learn how to. I told Dean that lots of people have rough first years of marriage, we were blessed and had a great first year together. These have been the biggest struggles for us as a couple and now as a family yet we are enjoying our time together and finding ways to do things that dont cost money. Its amazing how much can change in such short time. I told Dean the only thing left to happen is for me to find out I am pregnant, that would be the biggest joke, no house no car , a kid and one on the way. Not that there’s any reason for us to be pregnant again other than the dr just switching my type of BC this month, but it would just be our luck. In the midst of it all, there is always some good. Right now the good for me is being a good mother and wife to my wonderful husband and son. Theres food in the cabinets and fridge, for now. Theres a roof over our head, for now. And theres a lot of love and support to get us through whatever else comes our way.

by the way, I’m just trying to make myself feel better really by writing, dont mean to make anyone feel sorry for us, like I said, we are doing good considering the stress in our life. The good thing about stress is that in the end you always learn or grow from the experience. We didnt go to college much but right now we are learning more from real life than we could in any classroom. Budgeting 101, Employment 101, LIFE SUCKS 101, 201, and 301….Last night Dean said he wishes he was 16 again, I told him that wasnt a good wish. I will so never want to be 16 again, but 19 was good for me, and 18 too. but i’d rather be in this place now even if its hard because I know the future will be so much better no matter what happens. About now things should start looking up again, or so I am praying………….

Sorry, I’m still here folks. It’s been a busy week or so. Well, so much that was in my last entry ended up changing. The lady w/ whom I had an appt about daycare called an hour before said appt time and said she already filled the slot! So I ended up having to cancel my interview for Tuesday, so once again we are back to square one. Someone from our church we just left emailed me said she could watch Caleb but only for the summer as she’s a teacher. but she lives a good ways away, and I havent seen any job listing for that area, so I’d have to drive 25 minutes to drop him off then drive 50 minutes the other direction to any job I’d get. So that really isnt worth it.

in other news, not good news, but news all the same. Dean just found out his last day at the company he’s been with for almost 4 years is July 12th! We knew there was a chance that since the company had lost the contract that he might be out of work, but we were holding faith that he might get hired by the new company taking over or that his company would have other openings. No such luck. So here I am w/out a job or daycare, Dean is about to be out of work, and our first ever mortgage payment is due July 1st! We should be set for the first payment, but who knows what will happen after that. Well theres one person, and we are praying He gives us some guidance really soon on what our plan should be.

Dean’s sister and her kids were her Sun-Wednesday of this week. We all rode the train to D.C. on Tuesday and went sight seeing. It was fun except for the 104 degree weather! I was more excited to finally see where Dean worked, even if he wont be there much longer. In Ohio I always would visit him at work. Here I could only imagine what it was like at his office, and once I saw it I felt bad for him. Compared to his old office this one is tiny and cramped to say the least. His coworkers seemed nice, and it was nice to put a face to the names. I actually got Caleb to nap after we had lunch at the Air and Space Museum. The kids went to look at exhibits and I sat down and sang Caleb to sleep in a busy and loud hallway by the cafe. I thought he wouldnt nap but I knew he was exhausted cause he was fussy, and sure enough I held him and he went to sleep. It was nice for me too cause I got a chance to sit and rest for a bit too. It was a long day! But we had a great visit with everyone.

I really want to go to Ohio soon, but we dont have a car to get me there so I dont know what to do about it. I’ve been wanting to go visit for a while but so much has been going on with us that its been hard to focus on leisure. Last night was nice though, Caleb went to bed at 8 w/out much fighting and I straightened house a bit then lit some candles and sprawled out to finish the book I’ve been working on reading. Dean had a friend over and I went to bed fairly early, but it was nice to have some quiet time for myself. Looks like what was going to be an uneventful weekend is going to end up being quite full. I think we have plans w/ friends tonight, then tomorrow my cousin is coming over, and Sunday is Dean’s day so that is up to him. I cant wait to give him his presents. This is the longest I’ve kept something from him, it’s hard. I almost gave in yesterday, but he told me to wait til Sunday. So I guess I can,its only a few more days!

Monday I am meeting with a lady about watching Caleb. Tuesday I have an appointment w/ a temp agency with which I worked in Ohio breifly. I figured why keep looking so hard for a job when they can do it for me. I just applied online for a job that sounds great, but I dont know if I am qualified for it.

I was worried about leaving Caleb but he is at an age now where he needs interaction with other kids and although he gets mommy loving all day I think its well past time for him to make some friends. He is walking all over now! And he’s working on not just one tooth as we first thought, but two now, so by the end of the week he’ll have 4 teeth. But its odd cause he has the two bottom middle ones, but now he is getting the top two incisors? whatever the ones next to the ones he should be getting next! So I hope thats ok. But I think he’s at a point now where he would actually benefit from daycare, aside from all the other germs he will get there!

I am getting excited about having a paycheck again. Sure we need the money to get caught up on bills and more out of debt, but to know I am helping financially will ease alot of stress I’ve had lately. Well Caleb’s napping and I have housework to do. My sister in law (Dean’s sister) is coming with her 6 kids and husband on Sunday night. They will be staying for a few days, so it’ll be nice that Dean is now going to be off on Tuesday, even if he and I will be bouncing in and out for job interviews. Did I mention he’s job seeking, which is a huge stress! He’s been at the same company for 4 years. We’ve always had health insurance there, and now with us both getting new jobs it’s getting scary! but we are praying about it and know things will work out how God has planned for us.