Wisdom from my walk

There will be spotty connectivity to our webpages and mailserver over the next few days, I imagine that some may have noticed it over the last couple days as well. I am setting up a new server. – Dean

Fathers Day has always been a hard holiday on me. Mostly because I always remember not having a father around to be proud of. This year I am determined to show my husband how grateful I am that he is being a great dad to Caleb and husband to me! And to let my father in law know that I appreciate his support and guidance for both me and Dean as we try to be good parents and Christians. Today we (Caleb and I)went out to work on getting their presents. The saleslady asked if I would like to chose something for my dad, and I laughed and said no way, just shopping for my husband and my father in law. She just said ok and didnt ask any more about it. I aslo ended up getting my mom a late mothers day gift cause we were broke when motheres day rolled around last month. She is the only one who knows she is getting a gift, mostly cause I had to tell someone so that I wouldnt be tempted to tell Dean.

I had a great time picking out their gifts and so did Caleb. Considering how fussy he has been he did great today. I think being out and about helps him. Someone asked if he is always with his mommy and I said yes. I guess the fact he shyed away from all the admirers of his bright blue eyes and cheery grin showed he was attached to me. He kept being shy most of the day but there was this one girl while we were out, she was probably my age, and Caleb just kept smiling at her! She loved it. He made me feel so proud when he was so good despite his aching tooth. He fell right to sleep on the way home and even stayed asleep while I transferred him from his car seat to his crib. which is nice cause after being out all afternoon I need some down time before we have to run out and pick up Dean and then come home to deal with the mess he(Caleb) will make as always at dinner. So I think I will sit down and rest a few moments while I can.

We had the worst night last night. Caleb got up at 3 and I dont think he ever went back to sleep! We had him in bed w/ us and we both tried to put him to sleep but it didnt work. He’s definitely got a tooth trying to come through and I hope that is the reason he was so restless. But meanwhile I now feel horrible, I mean you can see how bad I feel just by looking at me, and usually I do ok on little sleep. I feel bad for Dean becuase he had to go to work! I am determined to make Caleb sleep this morning, he started getting tired eyes as Dean got ready for work. And I tried to feed him breakfast but he kept rubbing his eyes. So with any luck I can get a nap.

Today Caleb and I are going to work on getting Dean’s fathers day gift. I think he will love it! I cant say what it is cause he reads this, but I think he will be suprised when he gets his present in a few weeks. I am horrible at keeping secrets, and I love to give people their presents as soon as I get them so this is going to be hard on me. So Dean dont even ask cause you know how I am, I’m likely to blurt it out anyway! But not this time, I am very determined to make Deans first official Fathers Day the best!

My allergies have been horrible this last week. i dont remember ever having a problem this bad, but when I moved to Ohio my body had to adjust to the air there and my allergies acted up, so must be the Baltimore air irritating me since we’ve been away so long. I am probably going to have to see my dr its so bad. I wake up and before I am even out of bed my eyes are burning and itching and my nose is all itchy. Well I need to try to get some rest, or we will have a horrible day. I think its already a horrible day for me cuase I am upset about having to cancel the job interview I had for this morning. I feel like I should have just as much a chance to work if I want to as Dean does, I mean I like being at home, but if I did decide to work it should be just as important as Dean’s job. But doesnt much matter cause we dont have daycare and no one has openings. So looks like I will get to enjoy these days w/ my son, well if he stops teething soon!

I need a job, therefore I need daycare for my son. Its not that easy. I cant find daycare, a week or so ago a lady said she had an opening but didnt want to fill her spot until I got a job which makes it hard for me to tell employers I have daycare when I really dont. And the person I thought we would use filled her spot already and its summer now so everyone needs daycare. So I think I am going to cancel the two job interviews I have and take out an ad in the paper saying I am a stay at home mom available to watch children eventhough I dont have my daycare license. I dont need it, but it would be nice to have. I wasnt getting nervous about my interviews at all, but I am a bad liar, actually I cant lie at all. So I know if they asked if I had daycare I’d have to tell the truth. Stupid me. Hopefully I can find a way to stay at home and bring in some money.

What a boring Friday night! Neither Dean nor I were feeling up to much and Caleb was so fussy. He’s been very clingy the last few days, all I can think is that he’s either teething or that the separation anxiety is getting worse as he starts walking all over the place by himself. I’m having some bad cyst like pain and was actually double overed in pain earlier, but luckily it was during Calebs’ nap this afternoon. We’re entertaining tomorrow night and all week long I kept thinking that I had tons of stuff to do before then, but today I am just so blah about it. I am not feeling up to cleaning and its not like our house is ever dirty, Dean thinks I get OCD when it comes to keeping the house clean but anymore its just pointless with the baby and Dean leaving crap everywhere. I wear myself out cleaning up all day and at the end of the day I look around and am satisfied, but before the day even gets started the next day its a mess again. I cant imagine how bad it will be when Caleb is big enough to leave his crap lying around and not caring about it. For now I will savor the neatness I maintain around here, but for tonight the mess can wait. I think I’d better tend to my pain or I wont feel much like entertaining, with or without a clean house tomorrow.

Stefani’s blogmakes me remember what those last few weeks and days felt like before Caleb. Dean and I had discussed when we’d start on another baby, and we both know we arent financially able to, but isnt the second one cheaper? Especially since by then Caleb will be off formula and hopefully out of diapers? My ob/gyn and I decided at my last apptment to discuss possibly starting to try at our next apptment, which happens to be in two weeks. I so hate taking BC and it’s not even helping, I mean the whole reason I want to take it is to stop PMS and maybe my period altogether, no such luck. I still have pain in the middle of every cycle anyway, so who knows if it is working at all. And lets not even mention that orthotricyclene is supposed to help acne, well I have clear skin, but since I’ve started it every cycle I break out horribly. Whats the plus side to taking it, peace of mind I guess. But if I silently long for another baby whats the point? yeah, if you read the earlier blog from today, I am sure I have enough on my plate to worry about today, but it sure would be nice, cause I am for sure not working if I am pregnant, been there and threw up on too many pairs of scrubs to do it again!

On Tuesday we had decided after talking to our counselor about our current money situation that we could get by without my working. Yesterday I got two calls for interviews from when I sent out my resume over 2 weeks ago! So I figured I’d see how it goes, I mean I’d rather live comfortably than just getting by. So I called the lady back that I was supposed to meet w/ last week about watching Caleb but since a week had gone by and I hadnt gotten back with her, cause of spending most of last week in the hospital w/ my brother and then being too busy to call til yesterday, she had already taken on an infant and had no more openings. So at first I told myself the call about a job interview was my sign to go back to work, and surely the second call was to reinforce that point. So does the fact we dont have daycare mean I continue to stay home or does it just mean that that wasnt the person who was supposed to become our daycare provider??? So many questions, and no one has answers.

I want to support us financially but I also want to be able to keep being the glue that holds our household and family together too. I know women do both all of the time but I barely get me time now, I am sure w/ working and then coming home to the baby will be even worse. It’s such a tough choice. We have a month before our mortgage is due since we just settled on the house so it’s not like we wont be okay, but we really have a horrible car situation, the lack thereof, which I think would make it harder for me to get a job, but Dean said to worry about that when and if I get a job. Somedays I just hate being an adult. And its even harder to think about going back to work after I just cuddled w/ my son and watched him as he fell asleep in my arms! He’s grown so much in the last week, physically and mentally, and being here to see it was amazing. But in the same respect, I’ve been here for his first step, his first word, so it’s not like theres many more firsts of the first year to see but still….argh! I wish someone would just tell me what to do! Neither Dean or I think its good for Caleb for me to work, but we also know its not good to be this close to not being able to pay bills. But as I always say, people do it with a lot less money than we have, so whats our problem!