Wisdom from my walk

Here I am again. Been trying to get this time for days, this time for me. It’s just me and puter and a quiet house. It’s only 10:30. It’s only 10:30 and Caleb just now went to sleep. My hubby settled in to bed over an hour ago w/ a stuffy achy head. Where to begin? How about tomorrow?

Tomorrow, the day I have been dreading for months. My first job interview in months. Once again we have no childcare. Seems I cant find a single sole to watch Caleb full time. A stay at home from our new church who I am imposing upon to take Caleb w/ her while she goes to a lunch w/ friends so I can find myself. I’ll drop off my little angel then come home to the empty house and get ready for it. The biggest fear of my life, an open door. An open ear and a firm handshake. Dont give in, dont do it, dont back down, dont talk about how I dont really want the job, how I really like my current job. Hell the hours suck, yeah who really wants to sign up for a 24-7 gig? A paycheck payable in kisses and hugs. Monotony. You thought your fucking sit in the corner and answer phones all day job sucked, well let me tell you, try what I do all day. Everyday day the same, 3 meals to make and clean up, loads of laundry to do, cleaning to do, diapers to change, faces to wipe, tears to wipe, books to read, songs to sing, and naptimes to enforce. Sure I make it sound like I dont like it, but if I tell the truth I’d have to tell my husband that I dont give a damn that we dont have money and that I am staying home with my son. God help the interviewer that asks me if I am ready to go back to work cause I know I will break down in tears and tell them no damnit but my husband just got laid off and what can I do about it.

My poor hubby. He’s making himself sick from all the stress its causing him, and here I go bearing my soul to the whole freaking world but to him do I tell a thing, no. Instead for the last week I’ve bitched about how he’s not helping with the baby. How I feel like I’m doing it all alone. Meanwhile he’s got the same weight of the world on his shoulders to deal with if not worse. I keep telling myself that we’re too young to deal with this stuff. You get laid off when you are in your 40s and afer putting in a zillion dead end years in a job. Not with a new mortgage and baby to care for. Corporate America. Why in the world do I want to go be a part of that when I have everything I need within these walls. After tomorrow I’ll even have my husband home w/ me.

Sunday morning we showed up late to church. Both of us feeling crappy and exhausted. We missed most of the worship service and before the pastor started teaching he led us all in a prayer, he started by saying, “we’re here God” It had taken every fiber of my being to get the baby together all by myself so Dean could rest his sick tired self and because of that we ended up getting out of the house late, but point is, we got there. The pastor went on and on praying for the exact needs we are having in our lives now. I was in tears before he had gotten much further than his first sentence. I was so disheveled by the time he was done that I was ready to just go grab my son and run. How much can you handle? Thats what God’s asking me. Are you ready? Just trust me. For once in your life trust ME. My answer, okay darnit I’ll go to the dumb interview and I’ll bawl my eyes out before and after and maybe then, just maybe then I’ll see what you have in store for me. Cause it’s been a long time since I trusted anyone, and what have I got to lose. I’ve just about lost it all now and I cant do it alone. So tonight as I sit here listening to the quiet around me w/ the tears streaming down my face I feel the peace. Tomorrow is Dean’s last day of work. Tomorrow is my first job interview. Tomorrow I leave Caleb w/ someone who’s almost a complete stranger to me. Tonight I can be strong, but by the end of the day tomorrow I will be so much stronger. And with each new day will come new strength. From tomorrow on things are going to change around here. It’s been a constant growing and changing for the last year and yet we’ve still so much to learn and overcome. How much can you handle? Through the last year I’ve been tested more than I’d want anyone to be, yet everytime we’ve gotten through. Month after month of saying I need to get a job to help pay the bills and not getting a job yet still having the bills paid somehow. Month after month of Dean hating his commute and some days his job, now we face the last commute and his last day at that fateful job that brought us here 9 months ago. Had we known then what we know now we probably wouldnt be in this house or even in this state. We’d still be in Ohio with my old job and Dean with his old job and we’d have someone to watch the baby. But we are here now. We’ve made it by every month. The baby is happy and healthy. Now if we can just figure out what happens after tomorrow……

How could you not just love this kid!?

A few weeks ago at dinner time Calebfell asleep eating. Dean and I couldnt help but laugh and grab the camera, of course!

Some recent pics:
Me & Baxter

Caleb, Dean, & Baxter

On June 22 we had a family reunion and Caleb got to enjoy playing with his cousins, and the closest to his age is Audrey.

Friday night Dean and I had planned to go on a date. My mom agreed to babysit, but all day Friday I was feeling very ill. Then we couldn’t decide what to do. In great need of a night out and some time alone w/ my hubby I fought hard to shower and dress w/ a fussy baby then went to get Dean. We dropped the baby off and went to this place called Holy Frijoles for some great mexican food. We drove around a bit then went to a bookstore/cafe to get the baby some books and us some dessert. We got back to moms shortly after 10 and by then I was ready to crash. Ever since then Dean has been sick and we think Caleb is either having a rough time teething or coming down with whatever bug we had. Needless to say we spent most of the weekend in bed or lying around the living room watching Caleb play.

I finally got around to updating Caleb’s scrapbook. And tonight we went to look at the puppy we are going to be getting. I’ll put pics up later. All in all it was a very uneventful weekend, and despite the fact we laid around all weekend I am still exhausted. Dean’s still sick, Caleb’s finally sleeping peacefully for once, thanks to baby orajel and tylenol and soon I hope to devour some chocoloate caramel nut ice cream and settle in to bed.

it’s going to be a busy week, 2 job interviews, a meeting w/ a possible daycare provider (keeping my fingers crossed, cause I am getting desperate) , and Dean’s last days of work. Not to mention Dean’s aunt and uncle will be staying w/ us next weekend. So much to do and so little energy w/ which to do anything! Ah, is it Sunday already!

well, I wrote earlier about things getting better, and as I put the baby down for his nap I was getting another call about a job! So I now have another interview for Tuesday. This job gives you a subsidy of $25/wk added to your pay to go towards paying for childcare. It’s not much but it’s better than nothing! My problem will be if I have to decide which job I want more. It’s also not far from home, 10 minutes but pending traffic it may take longer, but I think it’s on the bus route so that might be good for us too. So much to think about. I liked job seeking when I had a reliable car and no baby to worry about daycare for. Job seeking sucks as is, but all of these other things make it even more stressful. Not to mention I havent worked in months, well not for money. I work my butt off everyday tending house and baby and in the evening husband but the pay stinks and the positive reinforcement you get from clients or coworkers, well it’s just not there. Now I love taking care of my husband and son, and I do it out of love. But I think I need to get back to work for myself. I am quite a different person when it comes to work, its amazing how different and I know I need that social interaction and feeling of accomplishment and worth. there’s a great deal to be gained from being a SAHM, but sometimes a woman just wants a career. I hate to think that I am not as valuable becuase I dont have a real job, meanwhile I do the hardest job out there. Soon I will be doing a real job and being a wife and mommy, and that I think is harder than being a SAHM. I mean I can now clean and cook and do laundry throughout the day. Once I start working my time will be very limited and I am going to spend as much possible of it with my son and husband, but I know it will be hard to get as much done as I do now once most of my day is spent outside the home. I think Caleb will benefit from being with other children, and I know I need some adult conversation! (I dont mean to say being a SAHM is less a job than being a working mom, no matter if you work or not , being a Mom is the toughest gig out there. I am just saying I dont know how I will be able to manage caring for everything at home and working, I know I can, I just cant imagine how it will work.)

Things are suddenly starting to look a little brighter! I have a job interview on Wednesday, I had a phone interview for the job already and the lady seemed interested. She was very nice about my being a stay at home mom. She called on Wednesday and I tried to talk to her but Caleb was screaming away, he had just woken up from a nap. And she told me to call back Thursday when Caleb was napping and that she would be in a meeting at 10 but if that was nap time to call then and she’d talk to me. So on Thursday we talked and she ended by setting up a real interview on Wednesday. It’s only about 20 minutes from home and it sounds like a good job.

We were going to have Dean stay at home w/ Caleb for a while while I worked but it looks like he may be getting a new job soon too! So I called a few places about daycare to no avail. But last night while at the grocery store we saw a flier for a daycare and I was hesitant to call, but after all the other places were full I figured it wouldnt hurt. This lady was so much nicer than anyone else I have talked to, must be cause she’s a grandmom! She only wants $95/week! Some places I called today wanted $175! She doesnt live that far from us either. So I am going to go meet her on Monday. Hopefully she doesnt get a ton of other calls before then, but she seemed very nice and she watches a 5 & 7 yr olds full time and her 3 yr old grandson 2 x a week.

with any luck we are going to use Dean’s 401k money to fix our cars and pay off some credit card bills, but it depends on how soon he can get that. Something about having to wait until the week after his last day until they can put in for it to be sent to him. Even w/out that we should be set, Dean gets a month of severance pay and if we both start workign before the month is up we will be ahead of the game, for once! We paid our first real mortgage pymt yesterday, it was scary. Now just 30 more years of pymts!

I think my little angel might have an ear infection. He keeps pulling on his ear, he usually does so when he is tired, but he’s been pulling it all day yesterday and today. I cant imagine he’s tired all day long?! I dont know if I shoudl call the dr since he’s acting ok otherwise. I’ll see how the afternoon goes. tongiht Dean and I are going on a date, my mom is going to babysit! I am so pysched, I am actually stressing over what to wear!