Wisdom from my walk

I dont know if I mentioned this but about 2 weeks ago I splurged and got a “real” haircut. It costs me $35! I did it mostly because I never had spent that much before and I was desperately wanting a real haircut, one where the stylists doesnt just chop and get paid. I liked my cut, but it was growing back so fast that I was thinking I might go get a trim, but not at that expensive salon.

So today, after a moving church service that challenged Dean and I to think about our future more, I came home and started lunch. We were going to have bbq wings and pasta salad, so instead of asking Dean to start the grill since he was holding a half sleeping baby, I went out to start up the grill. It wouldnt light. I tried again. All I remember then is a huge cloud of fire in my face and then I stood there startled as the next door neighbor told me how she had that happen once and burnt off her eye brows and hair. I told her that would suck and as I stood there a moment longer noticed the hint of pain around my eyes and the horrible smell of something burning. I ran inside and told Dean something was wrong. He looked at me and asked what happened. I ran to the bathroom realizing something was wrong. There was “stuff” in my hair and my eyebrows. I started to splash my face w/ water and the “stuff” wouldnt come off. I asked Dean if my hair was burnt. he said yes. I told him I was going to shower and started bawling. It got worse. I started to rinse my hair and felt big clumps coming! It was horrible!!!! I stood in the shower in tears not wanting to get out and face the mirror. But when I finally did it wasnt that bad. I had lost most of my bangs and eyebrows! I stayed in our room for a while since we had some company over and I didnt want to make too big a scene, as if I didnt have reason to. I came out later and no one noticed, and I was actually able to joke about it when my roomate asked what had happened. Dean and Caleb laid down for a nap and I went to get my hair cut to make sure it doesnt look horrible for work. I got a deep conditioner put on and the hairdresser said it could have been worse. My hair actually looks good now, as long as whats left of my bangs is down! All I could think was to wonder what kind of sign God was giving me!? Fire from a grill, heck, maybe a bush was the best they had back in the bible days….

It’s been a while, and each night as I rush to catch up on other’s daily blogs I think I should take the time to write. But instead I empty the dishwasher, or fold clothes, or make bottles for tomorrow, or do whatever else needs done before I can crash for the night. I finished my long boring training at work. Today was to be my first day at my desk taking calls, but I called out.

Caleb spent most of the night fussing in our bed with us, it was better than him fussing in his crib. I finally got him to settle into a good sleep around 6 this morning, around which time I decided that there was no way I was leaving my little boy with a sitter when he was so unhappy to go to work, so I finally got him in his crib and called and left a message at work that I wouldnt be in. I simply said, my son is sick, I wont be in. It’s at times when I say things like that that it hits me the hardest that I am a mommy. My son. My SON! He needs me now. He needs me always. But I have another job now, one that helped us fix my car and finally get it insured and registered today so that he can enjoy the ac of our nice car instead of the hot heat of the unair conditioned car we’ve been borrowing from a relative. It’s all for him. I tell myself that all day long when I am there, at work, away from my sweet angel. Next week I am going to start my real shift, a horrible 11am – 8 pm. I’ll get some more morning time w/ Caleb but when I get home he will be in bed.

Dean says there is talk of him getting offered a full time job with the company his is contracted with now. I pray to God he gets it and gets a bigger raise than he has already. I love my son. I want to be the best mom I can be, and I know that leaving him and not having the energy for him when I get home is not good for him.

He did great this weekend. Napped and ate well. When he goes to daycare we get him up around 6:30 a.m. and the sitter doesnt enforce naptime so he comes home at 6 and is ready for bed. Which means he is too tired for dinner even though all he ate was unhealthy snack foods all day at daycare because eating his healthy food I pack for him is not enforced either! Argh! today I kept calling the sitter to tell her why he wasnt coming today and I never got an answer. once I got a busy signal but that was all. She didnt even call us to check on Caleb. This scares me. We already paid her for this week and I am worried she wont be there when we go to drop off tomorrow. I know I am probably being silly, but I am worried all the same.

I took Caleb to the dr today to see what’s causing his sleeplessness and crying at night, and looks like he is getting 3 or 4 teeth at a time, all molars. He was laughing and playing the whole time we were at the drs office, and I know they didnt believe me when I said you should have seen him earlier, cause of course he was just a little ray of sunshine when we are out! No really, he’s always my sunshine, it’s just hard to deal with sunshine at 3 a.m.!

tomorrow I have to go to work. My mom said I may have jeopardized my job by calling in so soon after starting, but me, I dont care. I almost want to get fired. I know the money is helpful, very helpful, and we need the health insurance until Dean gets a full time contract that offers insurance coverage, BUT……I loved being home with my baby today. He is growing more and more each day. Tonight Dean was out putting the tags on our car and Caleb went to the window and said “bye bye da da.” He must have thought since he was going to the car that he was leaving. Yesterday in the car I handed him a toy and he said “play, play.” He undestands so much for being so little, you can tell him to go pick up one of his toys by naming it and he will go get it and bring it to you. I thought I was ready to go back to work, but I dont think I’ll ever be prepared.

My little boy turned one today! More to follow after I get the house back in order!!!!

I miss my baby! Right now Dean and Caleb are out so I can get some stuff done and so that Dean could go pick up a cd or something from a friend. I have been cleaning, working on Caleb’s night stand, and doing laundry since they left. I really need to study for a big test I am having at work tomorrow, but I just cant do it. It makes me mad that I have to work so hard just to pass this training. It’s not difficult per se, just a lot of memorization which I am bad at, even though some people in my class think the opposite of me. We took a test today and I know I barely passed it, if that. But I know that there must be others who did worse. On one test we took I got a 90 and the person next to me got a 65! So I know I am doing ok, but I still hate this studying stuff. I dont get paid to come home and work. I want to be able to come home and cuddle w/ my boys and chill out, but not now. And of course this week, the week when I have so much stuff to do for Caleb’s party is the week of all the huge tests at work. I want to quit so bad. When I get this feeling at work, I pull out Caleb’s pictures and smile knowing my working is providing for his security and health. Once Dean goes back to work, which looks to be this Thursday, I know it will be harder for me to work knowing Caleb will be w/ someone else all day. Today was his first full day of daycare and he did ok. I am somewhat concerned that everyday he comes home w/ more scratches and bruises, but Dean doesnt seem to think much of it and he is the one dropping off and picking up so he would be able to know if things seemed off. I just want to be home w/ my baby! He’s talking so much more and learning so much, I want to be the one he learns from and that he talks to! Well, Dean is home and I still havent studied, so I better run…..hopefully tomorrow wont be so bad at work, hopefully….

I am so silly, to help me figure out just what Caleb needed as he outgrows his toys and clothes, I updated his baby registry. I told everyone about it, but didn’t realize I could have just done a Gift registry at Toysrus as opposed to his baby registry. Oh well, it was easier than setting up something new and it’s easier for me to track what he needs and what I want him to have as he grows.

In other news, I worked more on the night stand I am painting for Caleb’s room. Tonight we went to this craft store where almost everything was on sale and found some great stamps of a lion and giraffe that match the theme of his room. So tonight I did touch ups on the paint job and fought w/ the paint and stamps to get it to look oh so cute! I think we are going to try to find a clear glossy to go over it so that the animals stay put and I carelessly used blue flat paint and white glossy, so I need to fix that somehow. I am hoping that such a clear finish is available, with any luck super dad will find it tomorrow during his trip to Home Depot. I’ll put up pics of the finished night stand as soon as I get the task itself completely.

We had two tests last week in training at work, I aced one and only got 2 wrong on the other, and I swear they were trick questions! I had another test today and we will have daily quizzes until traning is over, or rather til this Friday when we have a 100 ? final. We have to get an average of at least 70 on all the tests including the final to keep the job, funny how we can go through 3 weeks of training and still maybe not have the job! I have no worry really, just thought you’d agree with me in that this is the real world, aren’t quizzes for high school?

I just realized I actually had time to blog today!!! Hooray for me! It’s amazing though, I didnt get home til 8 tonight and then spent an hour working on my painting project and then did housework and now I am finally winding down. We went to order the cake for the big birthday bash tonight, my aunt decorates cakes at a locate bakery so she is going to make it for us. Then we went to dinner w/ my mom and step dad. Funny thing is that that was unplanned. We called them since we were on their “side” of town and heading out to eat and I was somewhat suprised they opted to go with us. I never saw them as being the last minute planning type, but I think we are rubbing off on them, with our constant hey, we are going to stop by in well 10 minutes, antics! It was a nice evening out and I felt much less stressed even after coming home to lots to do. I think it has a lot to do with my attitude towards things. I greatly appreciated Dean’s idea to head out to dinner instead of going home to all the things waiting to be done, and we just took the evening as it came. Dinner, a little shopping, and overall a peace in the air. Aaahhh! Sure was a good day for a Monday!

It’s been a busy few weeks. Tomorrow will be the start of week 3 at my new job, and Caleb’s day 2 at daycare. And in 6 days Caleb turns 1 yr old! Looking back over my last two weeks, and comparing them to these two weeks last year, the differences are amazing! Last year I was on bedrest so needless to say I wasnt doing much at all but bossing Dean around. Now I am bossing Dean around but turning around and doing most of the work myself because I am so impatient.

In the last week I have gotten the house more clean and organized then it’s been since we moved in. I think the reason is because I know we will have not only house guests next week, but several people coming to Calebs birthday bash have never seen our new house. I also think it has a lot to do with feeling like I dont do enough at home now that I am working, but I know Dean thinks I am doing too much. Right now I should be doing a zillion other things but I need a break.

In the last week I have reorganized our junk room which houses all the stuff thats still in boxes that we dont use or cant remember to look for or find! I also cleaned out our bedroom closet and bought a cool hamper from Ikea to store my shoes in, since I have sooo many! Today I cleaned up Calebs room and started sanding a nightstand that I am hoping to paint this week to put in his room. We got this organizing bin thingy from walmart for the living room to house diapers, wipes, and toys so that Caleb’ s play pen could be put away, not to mention the fact the disorganization in there was driving me mad! We finally hung up family photos in the hall and living room, and yesterday went to get Caleb’s birthday pics taken so have more pics to hang now. I bought new rugs today for the kitchen and bathrooms, I was so happy about that. Dean didnt see the need, but we were using rugs that my mom had given us, they were her old ones and in decent shape, but I just wanted to pick some out myself. Point is, the house has gotten a lot more organized lately and hopefully more will get done before the big birthday bash next week, but after tonight I know my time will be limited. As my energy already is.

We got rid of our new puppy, gave him back to the person who gave him to us. Poor Caleb had tons of scratches and bruises from the dog and he hasnt seemed to notice that the dog is gone, or if he has, he doesnt mind it! The stress level in the house is a lot better since we took him back Friday, its almost amazing the difference in living w/ a dog and not. I loved the pup and he will be missed, but then again maybe not so much.

Well lots of party planning to do and house work, and hopefully some much needed sleep too. I probably will be too busy this week to post but be prepared for party pics sometime next Sunday or Monday. Ah, my little boy is growing up so fast.

Be forewarned, this is not your normal blog entry! I feel like I need to apologize, nothing really new for me, I am one of those people that apologize for it raining. Generally a people pleaser is what you’d call me. Over the last year I’ve gotten to be a lot different about how I am socially. I used to be the biggest introvert out there. I amaze even myself somedays, especially now that I am working again, with just how social I can be. But lately instead of being that introverted care about the rest of the world’s problems type person I’ve taken to being quite selfish. I think it has a lot to do with all the stress we’ve been going through, it’s been hard to hear about let alone support other people when I am struggling with so much in my own life.

Case in point, my best friend. I’ve felt like we hadnt been talking at all, and I even had no desire to. She’s doing her thing and now with my working I dont have time to do much but to do my thing and take care of hubby, baby and puppy. When I wasnt working I’d thrive for her stories about dating, work and friends, now I feel horrible that I just dont have time for her. Funny thing though, me being the people pleaser I am, I cant stand for things to be up in the air, especially with someone I care about so much. Ironically enough, I’ve been praying a lot the last week to have the ability to be supportive of Dean and Stacey despite what I am going through. I know I havent been the most supportive or even likable person lately, I just dont handle stress well and well returning to work and leaving my wonderful SAHM job is a huge stressor and neither one of them would ever understand that, well I am sure Dean does somewhat but moms are so different. So this morning, knowing things were getting worse between Stacey Dean and I, as I sat in prayer at church I prayed that I would be a better wife and friend. And specifically that Stacey and I would find the time to talk and that things would mend themselves out. Funny thing happened today, we talked, I mean nothing huge, but I couldnt help but laugh and say well thanks God its nice to know you were listening!

Relationships are so important to personal growth and make such a huge difference in one’s attitude that its hard for me to know things are not going well in a relationship I have with someone. Like I said, I aim to please others, but more importantly I want to be available if a friend or family member needs anything, even if it’s just an open ear. So here goes, my public apology for not being the friend, wife, co-worker, sister, daughter that I could and should be. Thank you all for being there for me as I’ve endured so many changes in the last year!