Wisdom from my walk

This morning we went and visited at the church I grew up in. We’ve done this several times since we’ve been married, but by far this was the most peaceful and enjoyable visit yet. I was received w/ many hugs and warm thoughts. We even got invited to a party that the youth pastor was having at his house today so we went and hung out with people I hung out when I was a teen and their now spouses and kids. It was good for me. I had a real conversation with someone I’ve always held dear to my heart but whom I havent talked to in quite a long time. Last time we visited he kept us at arms length and I was hoping for at least small talk today, and for once we talked. Caught up on how things were now and talked about some memories. I needed that. Closure and the reopening of doors to old friends can do a lot for one’s morale. I know I had a lot of friends there before, friends I have neglected for my own reasons, friends I miss dearly. There isnt a day when I see something or go somewhere that doesnt remind me of the close friends that are now so distant, maybe not geographically, but relationally. It felt good to get together and realize how fast things change and people grow. I know that I probably wont talk much to these old friends again, but I think I may try a little harder to keep in touch now that we are closer. I am so glad my friend April and I are back on speaking terms and are getting a chance to get to know each other as moms and wives. Today we sat in church together, with Dean and her sister who is younger than us and newly married and pregnant. During the service I turned to her and said who would have thought we’d all be sitting here one day as moms and wives ?? Sometimes its hard to face being an adult, but when you have good friends it makes it a lot easier.

In other news, I am feeling somewhat better. Supposed to start new medicine this weekend, but we got to the pharmacy too late yesterday not knowing they close early on Saturdays and today forgot to go before church and by the time we got home they were closed again. So I’ll probably start that tomorrow night. I have a doctors appointment in the morning and will have to get more blood work done then. I hate blood work, but I am sure this wont be the last time I have to do it. I’ve been feeling naseaus so often and seem to be gaining some weight and since stopping birth control after having been taking it with antibiotics which may have cancelled it out (yet the dr and pharmacist didnt mention it, and I was on an antibiotic for at least a month!) I was concerned that I might be pregnant. Last night I was looking online at the pregnancy calendar and based on my cycles if I was pregnant now the baby would be due same around Caleb’s birthday. But this morning I had a negative home pregnancy test. I am not too sure that I am really pregnant since I may just be off from stopping the pill last month and all, but I wouldnt have been upset if I was. I think Dean was a little disappointed too. I didnt even tell him I wasnt until he asked me when we were getting ready to head to church, I didnt want to tell him but he knew I had taken the test this morning. I have been wanting to get pregnant again, but I know until my health gets better its not a good idea, but sure would be glad if I was. I think we both would even though we’ve agreed to wait to actually start to try again. I just was hoping my symptoms were from that but its probably just my psuedo tumor stuff getting worse. Either way I could still use lots of prayers so I start feeling better soon, and since because of being sick and calling out I may lose my job soon, I am just waiting for them to come fire me, but day after day it doesnt happen. Guess all those prayers that we have been getting for that are getting answered!

Well I am off to snuggle in a warm bed and watch law and order and boomtown. Good night.

We are sitting at home staring out at the beautiful snowy mess! What a great way to spend the day with your family. I’ll get up some pics later of Calebs first real snow adventure!

Caffiene pills and naproxen and I still have a headache. OW!!!!!!

All I have to say about how I am doing, is when the nurses tell you that a headache from a spinal tap is worse than a hangover, worry. I’ve never had a hangover but can imagine. And now that I am in excruiating headache pain I would never drink alchohol let alone get another spinal tap! Ironically, to relieve the horrendous headache the doctor orders me to drink lots of caffeinated products and water. I never drink caffiene. Ever. So I have been getting shaky after every can of mountain dew and still having headache. just sent Dean off to the pharmacy to get caffiene pills. no one believes me when I tell them the doctor said to take caffiene, but its true. This whole thing sucks. I take birth control and dont drink caffiene to avoid ovarian cysts, my neurologist says stop taking birth control and drink lots of caffiene. So with any luck my headache will go away, but I may end up in severe pain next month w/ a cyst! how’s that work?!
Despite all of this depressing banter, it was a great thanksgiving. Tyler(my nephew) and Caleb thoroughly enjoyed themselves. Everyone in the family was there to help out and order me to go to bed to relieve my headache pain. It was wonderful, just wish all of that lying around had taken care of the headache. Dean and I both called out of work today. He’s got his nasty cold again. At least we have lots of leftovers so no one has to cook!!!

This was yesterday. Today I am feeling suprising well. My head feels clearer, I guess when they released some of the extra pressure it helped. I haven’t been naseaus or dizzy since, nor seen spots. Despite that my back is sore and I am supposed to be in bed for a day or two. I am stubborn and have trouble doing so especially when I am feeling pretty good, better than I was on Monday.

Dean got my some dvds to watch, I was watching Divine Secrets of the ya ya sisterhood but the dr called and I took a break to come get up and move around. I have to start taking medicine to control the increased pressure in my brain. Not sure whats causing it, have another blood test to take and they are doing lab work on the spinal fluid collected. As someone so kindly commented, you could find out if you have MS. A thought which my doctor said is unlikely, thank goodness. but you can never know. All of my other lab work was normal so no real reason for the extra pressure could be just from the birth control. I will just be glad if this medicine helps me feel better. Who would have thought I’d be feeling so bad and it would be something in my brain? I mean usually you feel bad and its a virus or something wrong w/ an organ but i guess you never think my brain could be making me sick? well i really need to get back to lying down so my headache doesnt come back. While doing the procedure my head hurt so bad I was crying. The procedure pain was nothing compared to the headache. It came and went all night then this morning after sleeping to 11:15 I awoke w/ no headache. I hope it stays that way. Well my back is aching from being in this chair when it’s been used to laying down so off to bed w/ me to watch some chic flicks in a quiet kidless husbandless house. Strange how much I miss them. Poor Caleb is off at daycare and Dean at work, while I sit around w/ nothing to do but rest and munch on doritos(if Dean were here he’d grab the bag from me, like he did last night, I tend to overeat Doritos, but they are so yummy!) My mom brought us dinner last night, meatballs and raviolis, mmmm! It was great. Theres tons left so that will probably be my lunch too. Then tonight my brother and his family and friends of ours are coming over. So I better enjoy the quiet while I can!

Countdown time, to my spinal tap and thanksgiving! Did all the housework today that was left to be done. Finished the grocery shopping, except for a few little things. In less than an hour I will be at the hospital getting settled in for my spinal tap. The closer I get the bigger my fears get. i’ve been so busy today I’ve tried to block that part of my day out of my mind. I mean I’ve been cleaning and looking around to make sure I do everything I can do that I wont be able to for a day or two, but that’s all I think. that I wont be able to stuff for a day or two, dont think about why or anything. Silly me. I don’t cope well with stress. The little stuff or the big, well with me it’s all big stress, I tend to turn the little things into big scary monsters too!

My son has been getting so big so quickly. He’s talking so much more now, words and names and he’ll babble on and on as if in complete sentences but he’s the only one who knows what he means! It’s adorable to listen to his little chatter! He’s outgrowing his clothes, again. I love him more than words could ever express. I know this next few days will be difficult for us all but no matter what I will do what it takes to let my son know he is loved even if I do have to be careful not to lift him or anything.

Well enough procrastinating, I am going to get myself ready and then head off to the hospital. Say a prayer or ten for me! Oh yeah, all of my blood work came back normal, so that is good, but doesnt put us anywhere closer to a diagnosis than I’d like. If I’m not back on here by then, Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

It’s monday. My body tells me it’s Monday. Tired, torn and ragged. Isnt the weekend supposed to refresh you? the last two weekends we’ve done little but hang out around the house. This weekend we worked a lot on the house though, Dean even cleaned til aobut 1 am on Friday so I wouldnt have to stress all weekend, meanwhile I slept peacefully! Poor guy. I didnt ask him to clean, but I did argue w/ him about feeling horrible because I havent felt well enough to. I awoke w/ a severe headache this morning. It’s come and gone all day. I called out of work. I’ve spent the day cuddling and playing with my son, preparing him for a day or two when I wont be able to interact with him much. Tomorrow is my spinal tap.

We’re aiming to having everything ready as far as house preparations and grocery shopping by tonight or the latest tomorrow before my test. Things are going smoothly. The house looks good. I washed up the china and the table cloth today. but mostly today I’ve been enjoying the little things. The hugs, the kisses and being able to hold my son and read to him, and having him sit through a book not squirm away. All weekend I’ve tried to give him more attention, attention I’ve been lax in giving lately because I always feel horrible. It’s almost 60 outside so despite my nagging headache and spots in my eyes I walked him to the park to play. He walked half way back home like a big boy then I had to put him back his stroller for fear it would take hours to get home at that pace. My plan worked well, he’s enjoying nap two which with any luck will last until it’s time to leave to pick up Dean from work. I was planning on napping as well, but thought I’d write a little then prepare a meatloaf for dinner.

I think the main cause of my feeling so bad today, headache, naseaus, and stomach ache is from having to stop the birth control. I was in week 3 of the pills and now I’m all off whack. i was fine the first two days w/out pills but now I feel horrible. I havent gotten my blood test results back yet so I dont know if these symptoms are old or if they are from stopping the pill. Tomorrow the big day, afterward we should have some more solid news. If the test is normal we’re back to square one, if the pressure in my brain fluid is high then it’s on to treatment for that. All I know is I cant wait to get this all resolved so I can feel better.

Hopefully we’ll have lots of good news to be thankful for this week, if not, at least having the precious time with my family is worth thanksgiving enough!