Wisdom from my walk

Well…it’s been a long week and it’s only Wednesday! I went to my regular doctor yesterday, got a lot of blood drawn and they made me an appointment to see a neurologist today. Went to that appointment, and was glad to hear other than the symptoms I told him about there was nothing else wrong neurologically that he could see. So it is more than likely the increased pressure in my brain, so he ordered more blood work and scheduled me for a spinal tap on next Tuesday. He also told me that my birth control could be causing some of the problems and to stop taking it until they confirm whether or not it could be related. I only take it to control my ovarian cysts, and never wanted to start it in the first place, so now I am mad at myself for taking it because it may have complicated things. So as of tonight no birth control. Good and bad I guess. Bad mostly because I could get pregnant easier now and I cant get pregnant taking the medicine I am taking for blood pressure and if I start taking meds for all of this stuff I cant get pregnant either. So it is a catch 22. Dont know what will happen next.

My test next week may interfere with our hosting thanksgiving dinner. The dr said I cant work Tuesday or Wednesday and to take things slowly after that, but that I could be ok to work on Thursday, so luckily since it’s a holiday I get an extra down day but we’ll be having company which I am hoping is helpful to my being able to get dinner ready!

Since I’ve been feeling bad and the diagnosis is still up in the air, I have had no desire to be social. Dean keeps sharing my story with others trying to get their input and I suppose to get it off his chest. Me I am keeping quiet. I dont want to think about the possibilities and what effect it will have on things, knowing it’s already causing such a problem is enough. Each day brings more information and so far good news, mostly. I laughed because today part of the blood work was to rule out that I am pregnant and I told Dean it would be funny if it comes back positive thus explaining half of my symptoms! Not likely but not impossible (as I am not good at remembering to always take my birth control so that will be nice to not have to deal with! ) My main fear is the future and how things will change. I mostly want some energy and less trouble seeing and concentrating and then I’ll be happy. But I also want to be able to have another baby without complications which seems almost impossible when looking at my risk factors now. I was already high risk w/ Caleb and now with all of this stuff seems like it would almost be healthier for me and my family to not consider having another child. That scares me the most. i’ve always wanted to be a mother, and now I am, but I ‘ve always wanted a lot of children. Guess God’s already got it all worked out. Now we’re just waiting for him to finish this part of the plan and then I guess we’ll think about the future.

Despite the increased stress right now I feel okay. I mean not physically but emotionally. I’ve come to terms with knowing that I’m not losing it and my symptoms are real and warranted for concern. I’ve also come to realize that all I have to do is ask for help and my friends and family members will be there for me. Thats been the hardest part of this for me. needing help. Needing to accept i cant do it all, clean house, work, tend the baby, do laundry, be a wife. It’s hard and more than I can handle now or in the near future even. Dean’s been great and having friends that are there for me even if only via email or im is so helpful.

Dean said my last entry was hard to understand, like I my thoughts kept running together. I hope this one isnt as bad, but thats what my heads doing to me these days. Stumbling all my words and thoughts and steps sometimes too. Darn head! Cant wait to get better!!

As I dropped my son off to daycare on Thursday morning I told him over and over again how much I love him and that no matter what happened that day that Daddy would come pick him up. Why was I so emotional you ask? On Tuesday morning I called mydoctors office to describe some symptoms I was having and was told I needed to come in right away. So I went to work first to tell them what was going on, since I was already in jeopardy of getting fired for missing days. Then I headed to my doctors office where I was told I in week 3 of an ear infection which for some reason isnt reacting to antibiotics and that I need to go to the opthamologists ASAP. So I called the opth. and got the first avail appt for Wednesday, for 2:00. Which meant more time off of work, not good. So I went to work, my schedule is 11-8 (for now, hopefully getting a better shift on Dec. 2nd) so I worked til 1:25 then walked to the hospital for my doctors appt. Spent several hours there getting tested and being told I have papilledema and that I had to get a STAT cat scan to rule out a brain tumor. So since it was now around 4:30 on Wednesday they scheduled my Cat Scan for Thursday morning before I had to be at work.

I went and luckily didnt miss any more time from work that day, but the waiting for results while I handled other people’s health concerns at work all day drove me mad. I went home that night and was in bed very early and didnt want to get out of bed on Friday. But I did. I went to work, thanks to Suz watching Caleb since our sitter had a death in the family. I got my lunch break at 4 and I still hadnt gotten a call w/ my test results so I called the dr and was told my test results were normal, which is what they expected to happen. Next step is to get a spinal tap to pressure the excess fluid and pressure in my brain and possibly due another Cat Scan or a MRI. pending those results I will see a neurologists or maybe even have to go to the hospital for treatment pending how bad it is.

What does this mean? That the symptoms that I have been having off and on for years now are not my imagination. That there is truly something wrong that needs treated, something serious. Its gotten worse lately, I dont know if because I know what symptoms to look for and can tell, or just because it’s getting worse. I fell asleep driving the other day to pick up Dean from work, I always fall asleep anymore as soon as we get in the car to go somewhere. I am always so tired. I am sure the stress from this and possibly lossing my job cause I’ve been sick and needed to go to the dr doesnt help either.

Yesterday at 3 I had a meeting with my boss who made me sign my last written warning for absences. If I miss again I am gone. If I miss again we have no health insurance to cover my illness. But my next appointment is on Tuesday morning before work, but pending what the doctor says I may not go to work that day, I dont know how quickly the testing process goes now. I mean I know that with this you have to get the first Cat Scan quickly in case you have a tumor but I dont know if they generally wait to do a spinal tap or if it’s also an urgent thing. I think the drs were trying not to worry me and therefore told me little other than that these are the possible causes of your symptoms and this is how we are going to rule those causes out. I tried to find out about filing short term disability but they said I cant until I miss at least 7 days consecutively for an illness, missing here and there doesnt count. But the whole point I missed here and there was so I wouldnt get fired, so despite how bad I felt I did my best to go to work. I mean after that appt where they said you need a STAT cat scan, what did I do? I went to work for another couple of hours because they needed me.

Dean’s been great about all of this. He’s been super dad and hubby and housewife, I mean househubby! He’s been cooking more and better than I am! My mom is in worry mode, I am too, but considering everything I am doing pretty well. It helps to know that I am not imagining how I feel and that there is a reason for it. With treatment I hope to not have more problems with my eyes, but I am so scared that they may have to do surgery or that I’ll be on treatment for the rest of my life. I am only 23. I shouldnt be sick. I shouldnt need to take pills for the rest of my life. This sucks. I know that there are a lot of people out there younger than me who have serious conditions that mean lifelong treatment, but I know I am not strong enough emotionally to handle that thought for myself. I hate to think what this means for my son. I hate to think this may put off my having more children because of the meds I will be on. I just plain hate this. This waiting things out to see what comes next meanwhile trying to keep up house and home when I barely have enough energy to get up out of bed! Dont want you to feel sorry for me, I knew that I had to share sooner or later, and since Dean’s busy playing and Caleb’s napping and I am alone in thought, that it mine as well be now. I thought Dean didnt understand what was going on, but he put it well in his own words, better than I could have. I’ve tried not to talk about my condition and the possibilities because then I’d have to face it. Face the what ifs and whens. Might be quiet around here for a while, but Dean will always post updates. I’ll try to keep up, but like I said, this is hard for me right now. Trying to cope with this and other life issues puts a damper on your desire to socialize or even just open up in written word. Keep us in your prayers.

Caleb taking a ride
Caleb watching Sesame Street
My angel!
Working hard!

We had a great time today enjoying the great outdoors, well in our front and back yard that is! It was in the 60s out and the sun was shining! It started with Dean getting motivated to cut the grass so Caleb wanted to go outside with his daddy so out we went. He followed Dean around as much as I would let him, but the lawn mower kind of scared me when it comes to letting Caleb get close to it when it was running. So I attempted to rake up the back yard, but Caleb wouldnt allow much although he had fun trying to do so himself and then trudging through the piles of leaves! took me back to my own memories when every fall we’d have a leave raking party at my grandparents at which all the grandkids would help rake and then play in the piles of leaves, as well as play other games that turned into tradition for us grandkids.

After wearing ourselves out outside Caleb napped a while while I cleaned up the house and Dean worked on the computer. Then we went to my parents for dinner. They gave us new bath towels for our anniversary present! I had said that that is what I was wanting for Christmas(dean wants a good set of pots and pans ~ funny how neither of us want anything for us), but mom got a good sale last week so got the towels for us now. I am so glad, we havent had new towels since college probably, maybe a few new ones, but these are great! Then we headed to the mall to find my growing toddler a new pair of shoes. His feet are wide so his current shoes were leaving marks on his feet and I was worried it was hurting him. So he’s now got a new pair of size 5(infant size that is!) We got a great deal, we went to Foot Locker kids, almost didnt because we didnt want to spend the money, but Dean saw a clearance section, so that’s the only reason we went in. We got a pair of great shoes for him that were originally $39.99, we only paid $9.99. Gotta love a bargain.

Tonight I chatted with Stacey about the price of kids today and how a friend of hers kids are always dressed the best, better than us any day! I told her that the people that say kids are expensive are the ones spending $40 on a pair of infant shoes! Caleb will be sporting a fashionable pair of $40 shoes, but we didnt pay that for them. And I will never spend that much on shoes for him, until maybe he’s a teenager, and then maybe even not. I’d much rather him have food, new books, or new toys than high fashion expensive clothes that he’ll stain or grow out of in a month if that. And you know what, my kid looks just as good as those kids whose parents can afford to spend a lot of money on their clothes, if not cuter! Not that I am saying spending money on your kids is bad, just prioritize your spending, come one $40 for a pair of infant shoes! It’s not like they are orthotic or anything, and some of them dont even offer the support infants need in shoes. Thats my vent for the day! Sorry if I affended anyone, ok, no I am not. I could honestly say we could have afforded to pay $40 for shoes, but you know what, we didnt. I spent $25 total on a pair of shoes, 2 new pajamas sets and an auntie ann pretzel for Caleb tonight, and at the end of the night I got from him a priceless hug and kiss and lots of cuddle time!

That’s our little bear! He wore that to church today and everyone thought it was his Halloween costume, but it wasn’t. It’s just an adorable outfit I found for him on clearance a few weeks ago. I told Dean I want an outfit like that, cause it’s fleecy and looks so comfy. Caleb seems to think it’s comfy too. The other pic, as if you werent smart enough to tell, is off our bed, and our new down comforter! We love it so much. It was definitely a great anniversary gift. Unfortunately today as Dean and I settled in for a nap under our nice comfy blankets Caleb decided he was done napping and was ready to play. I thought it was odd that we were able to nap on a Sunday afternoon, just couldnt figure out why it seemed so odd to be laying down to nap when Caleb’s cry on the monitor swiftly reminded me why parents never get any sleep!

Despite my horrible cold, Dean and I went out to celebrate our anniversary, it’s not til Friday but since I was scheduled off today we had planned on having my mom babysit so we could go and celebrate. Not feeling well didnt help, not to mention our car decided to break down as well. So we were able to get to my moms where we borrowed her car and went out for some crab soup and a stroll around the mall. We found a great deal on a down comforter set that came w/ 2 down pillows, a duvet cover and 2 matching pillow shams, and of course the down comforter, for a price we thought was pretty fair, considering it’s quite a hefty price for those things usually, and this set was half off! So Dean got off pretty cheap, soup for dinner and a new comforter, ha! It was a pricey date, but we’ll sure enjoy that new comforter set for a long time. I doubt either of us will exchange much for christmas, but it was nice to finally get something nice for ourselves, anymore we spend all of our extra cash on Caleb or computer parts, or tomorrow again we will spend it on car repairs. Bad thing is I wont be going to work tomorrow, another unpaid day off, which wont help, and that will put me closer to getting fired for absence, they just made a new policy a week or two ago that even if you have a doctors note they can still enforce corrective action including as far as termination. We’ve known this was a possibility, but I can barely talk and we wont have car tomorrow so we wont have a way to take caleb to daycare or pick him up so it’s pretty much out of our control. So tomorrow Caleb and I can lay around in our new expensive comforter and dream of all the things we wont be able to afford once I am fired. Good for us we bought Caleb a few Christmas presents early, a few weeks ago there was a great sale at the toy store and we got caleb one big gift and two littler ones, plenty for his age, and I am sure he’ll get tons from family, but if things get worse from here on out, we’ll at least have exchanged good anniversary gifts, for the first year ever, and Caleb will have toys for Christmas.

on the way home from our date as my parents followed to make sure our car would make it back across town, I reminded Dean that things could be a lot worse. We joked about maybe having to spend the night at my parents house, but the reality that this time last year we were living there puts it all in perspective. Sure we may have car trouble, but compared to the obstacles we’ve overcome in the last year, it’s not that big a deal. We take the bus to work, so we really only need a way to get Caleb too and fro and if need be we can do that by bus too. Good for us we can afford minor car repairs right now, which is amazing for us. Now that we’ve got a few unneccesary purchases for our anniversary gifts out of the way we can focus on saving some money again. If it hadnt been for starting saving in the first place I doubt Dean and I would have gotten each other anything, and like I said this is the first year we really exchanged gifts And as I sit here writing my hubby is enjoying his Game Cube. So it wasnt a needed toy but it makes him happy, and that’s all that matters. Now its time for me to go enjoy my new comforter- night night!

What would anger you more:

Your best friend being friends with an old enemy of yours from high school OR you best friend being friends with your old boyfriend from high school OR is it completely ridiculous to let either of things interfere in a friendship? Just a thought. It’s recently been brought to my attention that my friendship with someone who my friend does not like makes her mad. The irony of it is that I am not even friends with the person she thinks and is mad at. But it is ok for her to be friends with my ex boyfriend and even bring him to my home unannounced as I sit and say nothing, I even tried to be nice and talk to him and so did my husband. Yet she can get mad at me for friendship that isnt even happening. She thought I was talking to my old friend but thing is it is someone different, an old friend that she doesnt even know really. One who is on the same place in life as me, she’s a mother and a wife, therefore easier for me to relate to and hang out with. What’s more important, being able to accept that there are other people in your friends life or being too worried about your own problems to care that your friend needs someone to go to thus had to find someone else to fill that need.