Wisdom from my walk

wohoo, today is my birthday! Ashame I dont feel like partying. Sadly enough both Cheryl and I should be celebrating today but are both feeling sick. Despite my yuckiness I managed to thoroughly enjoy a dinner date w/ Dean and boy was it yummy! We went to Red Lobster and the best part was dessert, vanilla bean cheesecake,mmmmm! After that we went to Best Buy and I got two cd’s, Avalon and Zoe girl, both were remixes of their other cds, I really enjoyed what I’ve listened to so far since we’ve both them.

well time to end this wonderful , well not exactly wonderful, but definitely a reflective and special birthday. Things to be thankful for today:

* vanilla bean cheesecake

*my moms german chocolate cake (havent tasted it yet but the fact she made me one is worthwhile not to mention I can eat it for breakfast tomorrow!)

* fingerpainting my own birthday card from my toddler (lol)

*an uninterupted dinner w/ the love of my life (well kind of, the couple behind us brought their toddler who was trying to be our friend! but it wasnt too bad!)

* snow! I love snow on my birthday! just enough to make it pretty out!

My best friend asked me the other day why I stopped blogging. I told her right now I couldnt honestly say I remember and it’s been less than a month. At the time, I was sick and fed up with life. In such a state of depression that nothing meant anything to me, to the point I questioned why I was even alive. I was giving up. Giving in. Giving it to God, again. If it werent for my devoted and loving husband and wonderful blessing of a son I dont know if I would have even bothered going on.

A friend recently wrote about her own coming to terms with depression, and it made me cry. My recent diagnosis of psuedotumor cerebri made me realize that these feeling of sadness and depression are not my fault. I’ve got a medical condition that is for me, at times, very disabling and that in itself can lead to depression. Still despite that I still try to deny how I feel. I blame myself for those bad days, the days when I cant find the strength to get out of bed or if I finally do, to do much else but lay and let Caleb terrorize the house. After which that night I end of taking what little energy I have cleaning obsessively blaming myself that I didnt clean or do much of anything else all day, forgetting that I feel like crap and usually making me feel worse in the end which genereally turns to my lashing out at Dean for not helping when indeed the whole problem is me not him. It’s a viscious cycle. I want it to end. At that end of those nights I end up in bed exhausted and in tears w/ a usually upset and frustrated hubby next to me wishing he could help but neither of us knowing what could be done to fix any of it.

Since my last entry I’ve lost my job due to being ill so often and missing work. I’ve had surgery to hopefully fix some of my symptoms and prevent any more visual loss. I felt better for about a week or two, still not had a killer headache like I used to which has been nice. But all of my other symptoms are back and w/ a vengeance. I go back to the dr on Monday. I ran out of my med for my anxiety and depression, missed my appointment to get a refill for it. I dont want to go. That dr doesnt know I have pseudo tumor yet, I havent been to him for a few months, dont want to go back. I dont want to have to take meds for this or anything. I know its silly, especially since it seems to help me, sometimes. I hate taking so many pills a night, that alone makes me depressed anymore. I am going to be 24 on Friday, I take about 5 pills a day, at least, I dont count anymore. I’m scared to think how that number may increase as I get older.

The only pill I was supposed to stop taking was my birth control. And I have. This makes things hard on Dean and I as well. I want a baby, God knows why I would when I can barely care for me and Caleb now somedays, but in general I’ve felt a lot better than I did before this surgery. I am afraid that if we dont have a baby now that we wont be able to. Infertility and/or reproductive problems are common in women w/ psuedotumor. No suprise there as it took as years to get pregnant w/ Caleb and only after procedural intervention by the dr. Since being off the pill I have felt again symptoms of having an ovarian cyst again. The whole reason I started the pill to begin w/, to help prevent painful cysts. Let me once again say, I am only 23. I want to be able to enjoy life. Enjoy my toddler. Enjoy my hubby.

I stopped blogging because this is how it always seems to go. I feel bad, I write about it and I feel worse because its so sad and depressing. I want to have good things to say. I dont want people to feel sorry for me.

Things I love about life today:

waking up cuddling with my hubby
big hugs and kisses from my precious little boy
discovering how to use E-bay
watching my son love on my mother and seeing him cling to her for more hugs
the thought of a yummy spaghetti and meatball dinner
naptime

Another positive, 2 more days til my birthday. I think a want a dog for my birthday. We tried to get a puppy a few months ago but Caleb was too young and so was the puppy. I’d love a young dog but one old enough to be already housebroken and one that doesnt shed too much. Gee, I sure am picky. Other than that all i want for my birthday is a good nights sleep and time to sleep in, and well of course maybe a special celebration involving just me and my hubby!! (use your imagination) So far, all I know that we are doing is going to Red Lobster for dinner, my mom is babysitting. That alone is something I have been looking forward to for a week or two. Well not sure if this update is a sign that I will be back writing again soon, or just my needed to get some things out.

This is over for me. Sorry to say it but I am done. Good bye.

Had a 10:30 doctors appointment, didnt get seen til well after 12 just now got home and feel so bad. My sore throat is not caused by strep throat some other bacteria was my doctors guess. No congestion or cough. just a high fever, swollen thingy in back of my throat(i dont have tonsils and dont know the name of that thing back there) and severe neck pain and swollen and painful lymph nodes. What did the dr do? Give me an antibiotic. I had been on an antibiotic for all of november for a sore throat and ear infections. I go off it and feel okay, but my pseudo tumor acts up, go on new meds for that and am now back to the ear and throat thing. ARGH! I asked the dr why i keep getting so sick her only assumption as she put it, said she couldnt say for sure, but that the pseudotumor is causing my body to act differently and that once it adjusts to the new meds I should be ok. but I’ll make sure to ask the specialist on Thursday. I cant believe I am going to lose my job because I am so sick all of the time. I am good worker. We get scored on our job every month. My current score was a 100 on quality! I do a damn good job at work, when I am there. And if I wasnt feeling so bad i would be there. I almost left the drs office because I couldnt hold my head up since my neck is so sore. But I waited and waited. She gave me a drs note for friday today and tomorrow. I am scheduled off on Thursday to go to my other appts. What a week. I cant wait to feel better……off to bed with me before my family beats me into to bed. Gotta love a hubby or tells you the house better be dirty when he gets home! He’s been so great with taking care of Caleb I hope I dont thank him by getting him and the baby sick too..

I am not pregnant.

But I have been quite ill again. This time its most likely strep throat. I havent been able to eat or drink much for about 2 days now. Got another doctors appointment today. Called out of work again. Probably wont have a job when I do feel good enough to go in, which I know will not be anytime today but with any luck tomorrow. I took Caleb to daycare this morning so he wouldnt be subjected to me ingnoring him all day or to getting sick. But he’s already coughing a lot so it may be too late for him to have gotten this bug from me.

Thinking seriously about stopping my blog. I dont have much to say but about how bad i feel all of the time, as lately all that has consumed my time and energy is sickness.

But ah as I write that an interesting thing happened, the doorbell rang, its not even 8 am yet! More suprising was that it was a police officer looking for me, no just joking. Looking for someone who I guess used to live here. Never heard the name at least that I can remember. I am sure I didnt sound believeable as I pulled the door closed behind me to keep the cold air out of the house and my voice is a mess today so who knows what she thought. Well looky there, something excited happened in my day, wohoo. But now its back to the boring routine of a swig of nyquil and a nice long nap until my doctors appointment.

MMMMM! Cookies! We made these yummy cookies. we didnt put them on popsicle sticks and it was actually very easy and they are so yummy. we highly recommend using snickers bars only, the milky way ones werent nearly as yummy. we even made some w/ snickers crunchers bars and some w/ just regular snickers miniatures.

nothing new from my doctors appt, I didnt see my normal dr and I could tell that the dr I saw was only seeing me cause the office manager made her. She barely examined me, didnt even ask when my last period was. i wasnt there for that but I would have liked to discuss it, but I guess I will wait it out some more. No rush to find out that I am not pregnant, although I sure feel it lately.

Today was better than yesterday despite a lot busier at work. Way too busy. Other than that not much to talk about. Thanks ladies for the comments and for making Dean feel so guilty! 🙂

My whole day sucked, from the time I woke up until now and it seems to get worse as it goes. I woke up early since I had an 8 am doctors appointment, when I got out of bed I felt like I’d been run over by a truck. My legs ached as if I’d run a marathon as did my back. But I didnt do much physically this weekend actually nothing that could have caused how I felt then and still do feel. Then I get to the drs office that is supposed to open at 8 am and waited outside in the freezing cold for ten minutes before some one gets there to let me in. 8:20 still no doctor at the office. 8:40 they take my vitals, still no dr at the office. 9:00 I left to go to work highly pissed off and feeling miserable. I cried as I walked to work and took a while to get myself together enough to work.

needless to say I got through the day and managed the confidence to call the drs office manager to complain as I also had an appt this past Friday for 8:15 and had to leave to go to work and the dr still wasnt there at 9 either but I figured it was just because of the weather. They are fitting me in on my lunch break tomorrow with a different doctor.

Few good things about the day, dinner w/ my family and a friend and then going to see Christmas lights on 34th street. Dropped the family off at home so I could hurry and pick up my RXs at the pharmacy which went well for once there wasnt a hassle there. Then I went grocery shopping, took my time since I didnt have to fight w/ Caleb to sit in the cart. Waited about 10 minutes in line to get ready to pay and have our debit card declined twice, that was a huge shocker, we’d used it twice tonight w/ no problem. I left the groceries as I was too tired to deal with it and came home to only send Dean back out after figuring out the problem so he could get our cart full of groceries. meanwhile I did laundry and cleaned up the house a bit.

it’s been a long miserable day. I hate to complain, but I am sure writing about it will relieve some of my pent up anger. It doesnt help that I was out of paxil for a few days so I am on the verge of tears (or so that is the reason I am using since my pregnancy test was negative and I cant see the dr til tomorrow) at every little thing.

Another reason I am so upset is because I used to think of myself as a good writer. now everytime I write Dean complains that my blogs make no sense that its all jibberish, that the thoughts dont connect. I mean what do you expect from a women with excess pressure in her brain! I try so hard but the worse it gets the more I find it difficult to even speak sometimes, stumbling through words having to go back and say the same thing and only getting it out after saying it slowly, very slowly. At work I transpose numbers and letters all day, I know it’s not a big deal but it sure feels like it when you cant even get a thought out. So I am considering taking a break here, although even if no one else understands this is therapeutic for me. Maybe its just Dean, maybe he’s the one who has brain problems!