My son is amazing! He is so smart! I usually take him into our main bathroom with me if I need to go in there and I shut the door so he doesnt run out. He mostly stands and beats on the tub or on the cabinet doors. This last week, after I flush the toilet he would walk over to the handle and jiggle it. At first I thought it was just funny, I guess he just wanted to see what I was doing with that shiny silver thingy that moves and makes that loud swishing noise. Today he actually flushed the toilet, twice! I dont know if he realized he did it, but I did, and I was laughing so hard. I just hope he enjoys the toilet this much when it's time to start potty training! He never sees the water in the toilet bowl cause I make sure the lid is closed so I am not quite sure what he thinks it is in there, but I know he loves the handle! What a kid! Today he has scared me, angered me, hugged me, kissed me, and made me laugh til I almost cried! I am so glad we have such an angel, even if he doesn't lay still for diaper changes. Those are the hardest part of my day. Dean came home from work early, he caught the bug Caleb and Stacey had, so I had Caleb all day and evening alone. I was doing well until he wouldnt settle down for bed and when I tried to change him one last time before bedtime he squirmed so much I screamed. It had been a long day and I hadnt had a break, I was so mad at him. Dean got upset with me, but I was trying so hard not to bother him since I knew he was sick. I dont know how single moms do it. I so look forward to the end of the day when I can at least go to the bathroom by myself! Let alone have someone else change a diaper or two. It's been a strange day, but I feel so accomplished, as a mom and a housewife. I got alot done around the house and seeing all of the things Caleb is learning made it a satisfying day. He is so close to walking by himself it's scary. Tomorrow we go to the zoo with my brohter, sister in law and my nephew who is two. Then they and my parents are coming to our house for dinner. Looks to be another busy day for us, and one with a lot more suprises and fun! I hope Caleb enjoys the zoo, I know I will at least.
In Dean's words, UGH! Caleb just figured out how to take the electric socket cover off the outlet! Guess those people who made them didn't count on a nearly 9 month old figuring out how to take it off! Luckily I had something to plug in there that if I put it in the top socket then it covered both, and it's one of those heavy box like things you plug in , so hopefully he wont be able to get it off anytime soon. But theres several in the living room, I dont know what I'll do about them! Just when you think you are babyproofed enough.......
Caleb has taken a sudden interest in zippers. He can get them unzipped! It's so cute to watch him think so hard about it. He really wants to play with the keyboard for the puter but instead we gave him a spare one to play with, but somehow he seems to know hitting buttons don't do much unless he does it while mommy is typing on her keyboard.
I think Caleb finally kicked his bug. He was finally, for the first time since Thursday, able to drink a bottle of formula without throwing it all up again! Wohoo!! I was SO happy. We have plans to go to the zoo tomorrow and I would have hated it if we had to cancel cause he was still sick. I am really looking forward to it. He's also just about walking on his own. He can take 2-3 steps unassisted! He is always standing by himself now and tries to take steps alone but only gets a few before gracefully falling on his bottom. He's so independent. He will play by himself for hours if we let him. His favorite thing to do is stare out the window and watch the birds and squirrels. We stopped by the pet store yesterday and he didnt even get excited looking at the animals, I hope he finds the zoo a little more enjoyable. I think he will since he is feeling more himself now. Well he's calling for me as I write, he may be independent but then there are the times when he's glued to us....
What would you do-o-o-o for a Klondike bar? I'd pick up baby poop off the carpet then scrub it up then change 10 more dirty diapers in 3 hours! Argh! I hate having a sick baby! He wont drink pedialyte. He will drink some gerber juice. He would love to eat solid food but every time he does the diapers gets worse. He throws up anytime he drinks formula! What am I to do? I told Dean we should just give him pedialyte and juice for 24 hours, that is what the dr said to do last time he was sick, but this time he wont drink and he wants real food. Poor thing about screamed at me whenever I try to eat something. If he doesnt start to drink something soon I may have to take him to the er. He has had some baby food, I thought maybe some bananas would help his belly go back to normal, but he still needs fluids and he just doesnt want it.
In the meantime, Dean's out and about having a grand time. I told him I'd be okay, I know he'd be upset if I told him I needed him to stay home. He's been so into his plans to go to this Christian rave tonight. He wanted me to go, and I knew I didn't really want to, and there was no way we were taking Caleb out in his condition. I am not even sure I'll drag him to church tomorrow. Depends how he does through the night. I wanted to put the poor kid to bed at 6, but I knew it was way too early. But he was tired and so was I. I finally wore him out playing and with a bath and kept him up to a little bit ago, about 8:30 he finally fell asleep. I was so relieved! I am exhausted and not having Dean around didnt help much.
Now hopefully he'll at least sleep until Dean gets in so I can enjoy some ice cream and watch Armageddon.
What a horrible night! I awoke around 1-ish to hear Caleb crying on the monitor. I went to get a bottle from the kitchen. When I got to his room, it was quiet. He had fallen asleep again, and laid down right on top of a whole bunch of throw up! I hated to move him cause he was so peaceful but it stunk. So I laid him on the changing table and he slept while I removed the dirty sheets and blankets. He woke up while I changed him and I held him as his fell asleep. A few minutes later he gets restless and sits up and throws up all over and keeps doing it. He's never really gotten sick,he would spit up when he was younger but this was the real deal. I was so scared. I started crying cause I didnt know what to do. Dean came in and held him, then I bathed him to soothe him. He then laid in bed w/ us and was fine the rest of the night. I am so scared to feed him becuase I dont want a repeat performance, but he has to eat. I dont know what I will do if he ever gets really sick, I am so bad at that part of being a mommy. I can deal with other peoples sick kids, but when its mine my heart just hurts too much! Hopefully today he will be fine.
I made the call today, I am starting the process of being a family day care provider!
Just a quick thought, I am the luckiest woman in the world, my hubby is great! I've had a rough weekend and he's been so patient with me and has been doing his best to watch Caleb. Today Caleb and I took a long nap together, we're both feeling a little under the weather and it's been such a busy weekend that I think we both just needed to cuddle and rest together. It was so sweet. Then this evening Caleb fell asleep in bed watching tv with us, Dean fell asleep shortly thereafter. I just watched my two angels sleep and counted my blessings. This emotional roller coaster I am riding must be a non stop ride and I hate that I am making my whole family get on board, yet I know every thing I say and do affects my family. It's been a real battle lately and I know I am blessed to have such a great husband who is willing to stand by me and even hold me up when I can't do it by myself. I know I probably never show or tell him enough how I feel, but even with all of the stress lately it feels like we are coming at a new point in our marriage. We've been trying to take the time that Caleb is sleeping in the early evening to be our time. Sometimes we do our own thing but some days we devote to having time together. Today was especially great as we cuddled on the couch watching tv. When Caleb was up he joined us some but he preferred practicing his new found trick of standing by himself. You can see from my entries that this weekends been a mix of up and downs for my emotionally, but somehow, just like always, Dean is there and makes me see the bright side of things. Right now as I watch him sleep, I can only hope that he knows how much I love and appreciate him!
Review of the weekend so far, well lets just say I am the worst hostess around. I cant help but be grouchy when our usually comfortably full house of the four of us in invaded. Not to mention I am already down in the dumps about myself so it's hard to put on a happy face when I can barely muster up a smile for my gleeful son. Dean is feeling the pressure and I hate to make his visit with his mom bad, so I've resorted to spending the night pretending to be asleep in our bedroom so that no one sees how bitchy I get at this time of month. I swear I am having a cyst or else some other serious pain and I cant take it on top of all this lack of privacy in my own house. I hate to be a bitch but I know everyone in the house thinks I am today, why, because I chose to voice my opinion when I feel like I am getting stepped all over. My mother in law came back from being out most of the day and asked what I did and I couldnt help but answer w/ a snappy cleaned, took care of Caleb, cleaned, fed Caleb, cleaned up after everyone, fed Caleb, see a pattern here, damnit its Saturday, it's supposed to be my day off , not that I mind caring for my son, it's just sometimes a mom needs a break. Am I a horrible mom to need some downtime especially when there are tons of people around to babysit? Sorry everyone, yes, I am a bitch sometimes, and I dont care! Everyone deserves some time to a break, even if for a few minutes and I had to literally just leave my son in my mother in laws arms and go hide so people would get the point. I am scared to death to enter the living room and kitchen for fear of seeing the mess that I am sure awaits me, it's a never ending job and sure I signed up for it, but I also signed up for a help mate way before that.....I think the real issue for me today is that I spent the day alone with my son, which was fine, but I'd sure love to spend one day a week w/ some adult interaction, and you'd think the weekend is when that would happen, but not in this house. I think Dean and I need some time by ourselves together, I think we'll have to invest in a babysitter soon, but since we had such a lack of funds for entertainment and childcare it's been out of the question but I think we had better get a break soon or I dont think we'll make it to another date ever or maybe even worse.....Counseling this week was a joke, or at least I thought so, all I have to say is, dont go to couples therapy during a time when you have PMS because your husband will say how horrible you are and the dr will not appreciate your laughter as you listen to his complaining. Like I said, yeah sometimes I can be a bitch, but dont we all have those moments sometimes?
Let me not fail to mention my morning started off on the wrong foot to begin with. After showering and getting ready for the day I come out to the kitchen to see my son being fed oreo cookies, it's not even 9 a.m. not to mention babies arent supposed to have chocolate. I was so pissed, it took everything in me to bite my tongue and walk away. Luckily he doesnt seem to be allergic to chocolate. And apparently some people dont know that babies shouldnt be fed chocolate or peanut products before one or even two years of age (if they are known to have problems w/ allergies). Okay, enough whining, maybe I will quit pretending and just go to be and pray I wake up in a better mood tomorrow.
My mother in law is staying with us this weekend. Dean and I slept in while she watched Caleb, I felt so guilty about it that I could stay in bed later than 8 a.m. I did get a shower while I had the chance to. Now the house is already clean, and Caleb is napping while Dean is at Home Depot and my mother in law is at her sisters, and here I sit with nothing to do. Nada. I put some laundry in, but I dont really need to do laundry. I just felt the need to do something productive. The work that needs done outside cant be done til Dean gets back and by then Caleb will be awake. I did all my housework already this week. All thats left is grocery shopping, and who feels like grocery shopping on a beautiful day like today, especailly when my hubby is home. but he's got things to work on and I guess for me it'll just be another day caring for Caleb, which is fine, but I just want a little fun. But when Dean asks what I want to do I cant think of anything. I'm so used to not having any time for us or even me that I dont even know what I would do if and when the time comes when I can go out and do something. But now as I sit here, I am bored out of my mind. I know theres got to be something productive to do, but then I think, and theres not. Oh well, I guess Caleb and I will just chill out today and relax, and to think it is supposed to be a Saturday! I feel like it's a monday or something. Things should get mroe exciting later, I think we are all going to dinner, as a family thing. Until then I will just enjoy the peace and quiet, nevermind that, the baby monitor just awoke with sounds of a quite unhappy baby. Back to work for me.....
Okay, something is definitely wrong with me. Tonight we went to pick up the set of dishes my aunt was giving us. On the way we tried to find a snowball stand that was open, the one we like was open but the line was way too long since we had a sleeping baby in the car and somewhere to be. I ended up just getting an ice cream elsewhere, but if I knew there was someplace open now, even though it's midnight, I'd go. We came home w/ 6 boxes, aside from not having to tear off wrapping paper, I felt like it was Christmas. Dean outright refused to help me unpack and re-organize the kitchen, I mean it was already after 10 at that point. But we are having house guests this weekend and I was afraid if I didnt do it now I'd never get around to it tomorrow having Caleb. And after doing it, I know I never would have gotten any thing done with those boxes w/ him, it took forever. The biggest hassle was finally deciding which cabinets would store what. When we moved in, I just put things where they fit. Lately it's been driving me nuts, I knew it coudl be more organized, and now the cupboards are filled w/ a beautiful complete set of dishes and is very organized. I'm amazed I could do it by myself.
The reason I said something is wrong with, well as I unpacked box after box and realized just how much there was in the set of dishes I started to cry! Who cries over dishes. I went to tell Dean and he said, they are just dishes. I said I know, they are dishes! We've always had things given to us, albeit used. But this set is in great shape, how bad can dishes get worn anyway? And there was so much to it. Tons of bowls and things we'll probably never use. I guess to me, it's just that now our kitchen is more like a kitchen. No more plastic dishes getting ruined in the dishwasher. Real dishes. We even got a new mixer today, it's not used, fresh out of the box, as new as new can be. It's a long story, but put it this way, it's a really late wedding gift. It's one of those hand held mixers that attaches to a stand w/ a bowl, super nifty and just what I've always wanted, as silly as that sounds. But I bake a lot and it will be so great to have! With the recently new paint to the kitchen, a different stove (although I would much rather have a new one), new (to us) dishes, and a new mixer, things are really shaping up. I guess it's just that I love to cook and bake and create in the kitchen, and for a while there it was getting on my nerves have a chaotic kitchen, now it's almost perfect! And the thought of just how much money those dishes are worth and knowing it was a gift, so what if they are used, she could have chose to give them to someone else, knowing that as odd as it may sound, it was a blessing. God knew what would make me happy and right now, having a more complete kitchen helps me a lot. Being home all day, I dont have much to take pride in, but lately I've taken to going out of my way to make dinner time more special, more of a goal for my day.
Oh my god, Caleb just scared the hell out of me! I heard him crying so I went in to check on him, and he was sitting up crying, I didnt notice if his eyes were open, I guess I just assumed they were. I gave him his pacifier and turned around to get a diaper and wipes since I know he wasnt changed before he fell asleep. All of the sudden I turned back around and he was quiet and all of the sudden fell head first onto the mattress. I thought he passed out or worse. I guess he was just sleeping and crawling and once I gave him his pacifier he calmed and fell deeper asleep and conked out. I know the baby books say sometimes they even stand and cry in their sleep unknowinly to them, but I've never seen him do it. I thought something was really wrong so I felt his back to make sure he was breathing and he was, and I could hear him sucking on his pacifier. It just looked so bad, when he just fell over. Poor little guy, sleep walking already! Ah, I hope he doesnt do that again, it really scared me.
Well it's late and I still have boxes in my kitchen to clean up, yuck. But it will be so worth it tomorrow when I get up and realize how neat my kitchen is, right now I am in somewhat a sleepy daze, I am exhausted but too motivated to head to bed yet.
Record highs today reached 93 degrees! Does that mean we will be heat struck until next winter? Or is this just a chance thing that will go away and then we'll get snow in a week or two? Who knows. But its a good thing Caleb had a few summer outfits, but I think we need to get some more. Not to mention I think Dean needs some summer clothes too.
Giving Caleb a bath has been a chore lately, he wont sit in his baby tub, he wants out all of the time. I am so afraid he is going to fall and either choke on water or hit his head. So today I took his baby tub out and just barely filled out the tub. He had a ball crawling from one end to the other to chase his toys as they floated away. Not to mention he loves to pull up onto the water nozzle and stand. I hope he grows out of this or he will end up showering with Dean or I cause it's just too risky having him the tub standing, I mean he's only 8 months old! But it helped so much just putting him in the regular tub w/ out his baby one. He had more room and I didnt have to worry about him falling out of his tub into the regular tub. I know he's young to take a regular bath but I had no other options since I still havent come up with a way for me to shower with him and then get him dressed and myself dressed at the same time.
It's been an uneventfull day, we didnt go to the park, mostly because I am in a lot of back and abdominal pain, another ovarian cyst would be my guess, and because of the extreme heat. We dont have any sunscreen and I dont want Caleb to fry in this sun. Tonight we have counseling and hopefully we'll get snowballs too! (we didnt have snowballs in Ohio! so I am so excited to back in baltimore for the summer, snowballs, crabs, and the ocean is just a short drive away, ah, now i remember why I liked Baltimore so much!)
This monring has been great! I got up and showered, all before 7:30 a.m. which is a huge change for me, then took Dean to catch his train. On the way home I scanned the radio and found a Christian station talking about the role of mothers and especially stay at home mothers. I listened and cried all the way home. I've been struggling with being at home knowing I am not bringing in any money, and hearing that message touched my heart so much. I thought some stay at home moms might be interested in this, about Bring your Daughter Home day, it's supposed to be a way for SAHM to bring their daughters home since some schools didnt let them do that on Take Your Daughter to Work day, since they thought SAHM is not a real job. I know it's a Christian oriented thing, but even if you're not a Christian you should still be able to stand up for you choice to be a SAHM.
It's so early and I've already got a lot accomplished. I'm starting to diet today, I just hope I can keep up with it. It's hard being at home all day and not munching on goodies, so I tried to stock up on some fruit so I could eat that instead. It's a beautiful day out so I am sure Caleb and I will go for a walk and now that its so nice I should be able to walk more often so hopefully that helps too. With any luck I can lose some weight and get in shape, I'd like to do that and then maybe think about having another baby. But theres no way I am not doing it again without being in a little better shape. Especially since I'll be pregnant and taking care of Caleb, and it's hard enough to keep up with him now. Not to mention he's been standing unsupported a lot more lately and he walks great when we hold his hands, even if we just hold one of his hands he can walk. So I'd say by the end of the month he'll be walking and standing by himself, so I better get ready to be on the move more, it's hard now and all he does is crawl. Well got a lot to get done today, by the way its Tax Day!
We have spent most of the weekend outdoors. Today it was 80 degrees! It kept getting a little cloudy and we thought it might rain but it never did! We were able to finally clean up our yard, including getting it mowed. We sprayed down the outside of the house and you could actually see the dirt drip down, yuck! Nevertheless it looks much cleaner! We were worried about the use of the hose causing the basement to get wet, that's what used to happen. Dean did some patch work a few days ago, since they told us we needed to in order for the appraiser to pass off on it. We were suprised to see it didnt leak, which was great news as far as the appraisal. Just a few more things to get done and we will be homeowners! It's been such a long process! But even being able to work outside today made it feel like our home. I haven't done yard work since living with my mom which seems like so long ago, and being able to do it myself without anyone telling me to was great. I pulled weeds, and moved some patio blocks, they were SO heavy. We did a lot this weekend, it felt great, but now I am exhausted! So I think we'll enjoy a nice relaxing evening at home! Hopefully my mom is coming over and bringing some patio furniture they dont use anymore, which would just make all of our hard work outside so much more worth it. It would have been so nice last night to sit outside on our deck but we dont have any furniture yet. Well hope everyone had a great weekend!
BTW, we went to church this morning, I barely spoke to anyone, just a few ladies, ironically who aren't even in our small group! Oh well, we are doing our best to keep the peace but it's hard......
I've been really struggling lately emotionally. I had to have Dean come home early yesterday from work because I just couldnt handle Caleb well enough being in the state of mind I was in. Today I thought I was doing fine, until Dean came home and worked on the bills. Todays pay day, but once again we are in the hole after paying bills. I really should get a job but I am not ready to and I dont want to have to struggle w/ all of the child care issues again, that stress is enough to drive one mad. So we argued over money, or rather I got angry about things and Dean listened. He decided to take care of Caleb so I could get some time out, I fell asleep for a litlte while and woke w/ the same stressful thoughts pouring through my mind that I'd fallen asleep with. Then we headed out to get groceries, for some reason shopping, yes even grocery shopping helps me. I think it has to do with feeling in control of getting the food and baby supplies that Caleb needs. We had planned to go out tonight and meet some new friends at a laser tag place, we even found a babysitter this afternoon, but after going over the bills and knowing I dont work I decided I'd stay home and watch my son so Dean could have a night out. I figure when I work I can spend my money leisurely until then I will make sure we have money to buy baby supplies and food for Dean's work lunches. I am fine with this, I cant help but wonder if all wives worry so about their husbands. I always prepare Dean's lunches and make sure he has clean clothes, good thing too, because he never thinks of these things until he's about to leave in the morning. I've always been good at mothering, seems like I did a lot of that with my brother when we were growing up, since mom was working and dad wasnt in the picture. We took care of each other. Funny how I can put so much effort into caring for others but I dont even know where to start when I need nurturing or even just comfort for my own problems. Dean has been great putting up with my recent bouts with mood swings and depression, and I think it must be odd that I can admit my problems, but I never did have a problem admitting what was wrong, I just never know what to do to fix it. I guess if I did I wouldnt be so down in the dumps all of the time. yeah, things have been rough lately, financially and emotionally, but none the less Dean and I are still holding on and in general we're doing good as a couple. We both know we'll make it through this, and I know if it werent for him and that baby I'd be a lot worse off than I am now. As soon as I heard Dean get home from work yesterday I felt releived and well finally being able to shower, even if it was 3:40 p.m. helped too. Caleb's been very clingy lately, and I cant help but wonder if he sense something is wrong with me and is attempting to comfort me. Today I swear he was trying to kiss me, that or bite my cheek! It was adorable. I have taken my time with him to be a true gift from God. We know we will be struggling with money for a while but as Dean put it tonight, we'll get by. Despite being at home and knowing Dean is out enjoying himself, I feel good. Even Stacey's not home yet, and Caleb's in bed already so I really am trying to take advantage of this truly quiet time since it is so rare. I've taken up on reading again this week. I so enjoy a good book, but I dont ever have time. But I made time this week. Instead of napping as much I made sure I got the housework done early and read during Caleb's afternoon nap. I usually take the mornings easily and then make up for it in the afternoon by hurrying to get chores done and trying to keep up with Caleb since he rarely takes afternoon naps anymore. I think I'll take this sacred time to go invest in me, yeah, maybe a nice bubble bath and a book will ease me into a good nights sleep.....
I just love finding my link on someone's page I've never even read!!! Sorry Sara, I can't wait to catch up on your blog!
There's a fine line between love and hate, but right now I am not sure where I stand with my feelings about some people. Our church holds small group meetings every week, there's no real ryhme or reason to how the groups are determined, whereas in Ohio we had groups by interest group. Everyone in our current group is between 20-40, some couples, some singles, and 3 newborns. I have several issues that I dont quite agree with our current church on, but when it comes down to the basics there is no problem. The things I have a problem with arent that big a deal and dont affect how I worship or serve or have my relationship with Christ. A big part of the church's goals is to "love people into relationship w/ Christ." It's something Dean and I like a lot about our church. But lately I've felt like our group and the church itself is turning into a bunch of high school politics.
After attending bible college together for a semester and getting hurt by fellow students Dean and I stopped attending church. We didnt want to be seen as hypocrites or watch other hypocrites. It wasnt until after finding the Vineyard church in Ohio that we finally felt we found someplace we felt like we could fit in and quickly got involved in ministry there. Leaving that church, we knew we would put a lot of thought into what church to go to here. We visited our current church, not making any decisions on if we were going to attend at first, but mostly because it's the church Dean grew up in. But since we'd gone there as kids the church has revamped its approach to evangelism and even worship itself. It was turning into more of a Vineyard type church. For that fact and that fact alone, we decided we'd stay with this church. We knew some people and they knew us and we were mostly in tune with what the church was doing and where they plan to be going with evangelism. We quickly found a group to fit in with, or so we thought.
A few weeks ago, after feeling guilty for not sharing with our group how we'd started counseling and how I was dealing with some depression, I reached out in a small group setting to share with everyone how I was "really" doing. This is how it should be. It should be a "safe" place to open up and get encouragement and support. That night I felt much better and even since then I've done a lot better, until today. That night almost every woman in the group promised to call and check up on me and to get together w/ me during the week. Since that day, weeks ago, I have not received one such phone call or even in church on Sundays have I had a single conversation with anyone. Hurt, yes, I would say I am quite wounded.
I've got the mind just to not go this weekend to church, but that would be fitting right in with their state of mind. I will not be false. If I wanted to be false I would not have poured out my heart to share how I felt with them. Last night, yes this is the irony of it all, a friend from our church came over to dinner. The irony of it is, Dean dated her while we were teens. We all met in the same church group. And currently we are not in the same small group. If anyone should reach out to us, it wouldnt be her, or so you'd think. She steps outside the boundaries of her group, and we all stepped outside our comfort level, I mean come on, she's my husband's ex! And what happens. the night is filled with fun and laughter, and ends with a good hearted hug and thanks! After she left I started to think about this, how she could be there for us, yes, she was one of two church people to actually help us renovate the new house after we sent several requests to our church group saying we could use some helping hands to paint and such. Then I started to think why. Why is it that I cant trust people enough to let them in. I know that this friend is more here because of her friendship with Dean and more ironically has more in common with my one true best friend than she does with me, yet she asked me to go out and spend the evening with her. (due to both of our lack of much money, we decided to have dinner in and ended up playing cards with Dean and Stacey.) It was meant to be a girls night out, that yes, she initiated. She was not there the night I laid my heart on the line yet I know if she had been , she would have called!
Where I am going with all of this? I am not sure, more just venting. But point is, when coming to this church, I knew there'd be a lot for me to deal with, most of these people Dean grew up with and I did not. They knew of me, since I'd been around off and on throughout our teen years. I told Dean time and time again that I would try my best to trust these new friends but that it's hard for me. We'd both been burnt a lot by so called "church" people. In general I've been hurt by a lot of so called "friends" over the years as well, churched or not. I always put up a wall that takes a long time to break down. but after a few meeting with this group it was like I had no wall up, I shared and more recently was sharing more and more. This was a big step for me. I was feeling confident that this would be a great new beginning. Then slowly as the wall around my heart crumbled, they started to throw their little daggers in.
I received an email yesterday from a group member, about something very non-important in general, but the contents of the email were a direct blow to me. Once again, being the last to be told about something and then being asked for my help after no one has been there despite my cries for help, it was the last straw, or so I thought. Then today Dean recieves an email from our group leaders which just was the icing on the cake. He wrote to "counsel" Dean on certain contents of an email Dean sent to the group about our prayer requests regarding closing on the house and our current car situation. Dean was asking for prayer, yet he got a mean reply from the leader of the group saying dont do that. Appparently Dean's email made some people feel like we were pressuring them to help us, but all he was asking for was their prayers. Like I mentioned before, Dean and I left the church, rather, stopped going to church at all, after being hurt again and again by different so called "Christians" both at our churches and at bible college. But being the adult and knowing that we all have faults, I am going to try this time to let my faith be strengthened by this test. I could give in and give up again on the church, but it's not the church or even God I am mad at. It's people claiming to be something they arent. I know it's not always easy to walk the walk, but heck dont try to be the shepherd when you cant even see the path for yourself. I dont claim to be a goody goody, in fact I'll be the first to admit I dont read and pray every day, but I try. I do my best to keep my faith strong and my relationship with Christ open. But I also dont go around claiming I am more worthy than you, and I sure enough dont go around counseling others or even trying to lead others because I know I am not worthy and until God gives me the strength and wisdom to do so, I will gladly sit in the back row and keep my faith to myself and do my best to keep my family headed down the right path. I'll be in church Sunday, and I'll even be working the powerpoint for the sermon and service all because I will be forgiving and I'll be the adult. Because that's what Christians do, be loving and forgiving, unconditionally.
"When I was a child, I spoke as a child. I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I become a man, I will put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known. And now abide faith, hope, love, these there; but the greatest of these if love." I Cor. 13:11-13
I absolutely love this weather! Yesterday Caleb and ventured out for a walk, we were gone for nearly 1 1/2 hours! There's a park around the block from our house, but our blocks are pretty long if you ask me. So I took my time walking there since Caleb was enjoying taking in all of the sights A cute little girl stopped us to chat, both on the way there and the way back. The playground at the park is probably the nicest part of the little park. Sadly the tennis courts dont have nets, I was hoping they would. I'd love to play again, especially with Stacey being around. We could always go to the college to play I guess. I am hoping to get out today but they are calling for rain so we'd have to get out soon. But it takes time to get out of the house with Caleb, but I am hoping to beat the rain. It's getting a little cloudy but the sun is still shining for most of the time. The best part of this weather is being able to leave the windows open and air out the house. We didnt have them open at night but we could have. I wanted to and I finally gave in and opened them at 5:30 but Dean was cold. Even that early it was quite warm outside. Ah! I just love spring!
Caleb shares a birthday with some cute other baby's whose mommys keep great blogs. Ironically one of their names is Amy too and her son Sam was born on Calebs birthday. Then there's Helen's little girl too! It's so nice to be able to read about moms going through the same stuff as I am with Caleb. It sure is a big help. I also enjoy reading Cheryl's journal and her son's name is Caleb too, although our Caleb's don't share a birthday, Cheryl and I do! Then there's Carrie with the other Sam that I love to read about! Now we know why when kids grow up there are tons of them with the same name, but it's strange cause I picked Caleb's name thinking it wouldnt be popular, but I guess this is the year everyone thought that.
I am happy Caleb is so mobile, I mean he could go and go all by himself until he gets hungry or tired. I shut all of the hallway doors so he coudlnt get too far w/out me, but our door doesnt clasp shut or anything so he's figured out how to push just hard enough to get in. Then he peers in and looks back to see if I am coming and then lunges forward all the while giggling. He's a mess, but so cute! I want to say no to him but he's so proud of himself all the time. He's figured out the buttons on the TV actually do soemthing when it's on. Now he's in our room shutting the door behind him, guess he doesnt want to get caught. (Luckily I can sit here on the computer watching all of this) but now he's gotten into non baby proofed things, ah, and just when I thought I had a free minute.....
I am starting to hate grocery shopping. I mean Caleb is always so good, but it's the people that bother me. I can't get through one aisle without being harassed about how cute and good Caleb is, as if these are things I dont already know, let alone that I dont care for strangers eyeing up my kid. This morning was pretty nice but it was also before 8 a.m. so I had the store mostly to myself, and when I left I couldnt believe how quickly I had gotten done. I bought some slim fast powder to motivate myself to eat better. I used to drink it, a few years ago. If I could only get motivated, well if I could find time really, to do my work out tapes I'd be fine. but Caleb wont nap much anymore and if he does its only power naps so I barely get anything done. Plus by the time he does nap I am ready to nap myself. I was doing very good weight-wise after having Caleb, I was actually weighing less than before I was pregnant but since I became a stay at home mom I am eating all day, mostly munching since I dont have time to sit and eat even a sandwich or a meal. So I dont eat wisely I guess.
What a morning! Okay this is the scoop, the tags on my car expired in March, on Dean's birthday to be exact. We had to get them changed from Ohio to MD plates, so we went to get the car inspected and it is going to cost over $1000 just for the car to pass inspection! We owe about $2300 on it still and last time we went to trade it in it was only going to be worth about $500! I keep saying we need a new car, and now it's definitely clear. The appraiser is coming in a little bit to look over the house, we should close on it before the 15th of this month. Leaving us with no mortgage/rent pymt due this month so that will help, but we really cant worry about a new car til after the house closes and even then we're not sure we can afford it. But our mortgage pymt should be less than we are paying now, so we should be doing well, it's just a huge headache. In the meantime, my aunt calls to offer us her old dishes, they are really nice. Worth a good bit of money. So amidst all this money problems we get a blessing. I am not sure if it's just a reminder that God will provide or just sick irony. I'd like to think the first but right now I am trying very hard to be optimistic but my true pessimistic nature makes that hard. I am holding firm that the very fact the appraisal will be done today when we thought it wouldnt til next week some time is a good sign so I am trying to have faith.....meanwhile Caleb makes a huge mess and cries when I move him to clean up. ARGH! Fridays are supposed to be fun, today feels like a Monday!
Forgot to mention....We ended up getting my grandparents old stove. They recently, w/in the last year or two renovated their kitchen. We were going over their house for Easter and I told Dean to make sure we mentioned we needed a stove because I wasnt sure if they got rid of their old one or not. Sure enough they still had it and now we do, so it was free! It's not new but it's new to us and the best part is it works!! Funny how big a deal it was that Dean broke the stove and how I forget to mention we got another one. We had gone out Saturday night looking at stoves but decided to wait, we knew that there was a chance, a big one, that this was just another test of our faith. And that God would provide for us, and once again, He did.
I haven't been very inspired to write lately. Not sure why, but it probably is due to my lack of time. I am either working around the house or chasing Caleb around the house. Today I made him his own cabinet in the kitchen. I put in some measuring spoons, an empty raisin box, an empty oatmeal container, a baby cup, a baby bowl, an empty box of food coloring, a bright yellow basket, an empty jar of baby food, and I cant remember what else. He loved it! I actually had to tear him away from it to feed him lunch. It was great, I was able to prepare dinner and clean up (I put it in the slow cooker) all while he played closeby and safely. The only downside is our kitchen floor is very slippery and he kept falling so I am going to put a rug in front of his cabinet so he wont fall and if he does it will be padded.
Aside from the usual, nothing else is going on with us. No plans for the week or the upcoming weekend that I know of. Hopefully the nice weather holds up so we can have a family outing. Caleb loves looking out the window and laughs as soon as I set him on our front deck/porch. He loves to be outside. Must get that from his dad, no I like the outdoors too, just not as much as him. I cant wait for our first camping trip as a family. Dean's family always camped when he was a kid and I camped some summers w/ my uncle and his family as a kid. We are planning a mini-vacation for August, Caleb will be 1 then, where does the time go! It's hard to believe he's wearing 12 months clothes. My mom and Dean's mom keep getting Caleb clothes, here I was worrying he wouldnt have anything to wear when it got warmer, as it quickly is, but yesterday I washed and put away almost 10 new spring/summer outfits! Today we got another shirt and an adorable hat from my mother in law. Caleb didnt even mind wearing the hat, it was funny when he pulled it off because I didnt even know he realized he was wearing it!
Well, I dont have much of anything but random thoughts to share, and that's about it for now. Hopefully our week will get more exciting, but for now it's kind of nice to have a peaceful relaxing day.