Wisdom from my walk

the words of this song ring so true about how I feel about fibromyalgia and my daily struggle.   just wanted to share!    I am really in a good place these days, but at the end of the day, a busy day at that, as always shortly before Dean gets home the struggle gets harder for me to win and I gave in after Dean got home and laid down, it’s amazing what just laying and closing my eyes for 5 minutes can do!   Dean’s been great about helping me make dinner, or just doing it himself, the evenings are hard for me, I am getting better at getting through my day but I’m so exhausted!!  gotta run..zeke is running low on energy too from today’s busyness so off to bath him and maybe put him to bed early…anyway…here’s those lyrics:

“Beauty From Pain”  Superchick lyrics

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today,
Someday i’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Last night Dean and I went to the Generation Rising concert at the Underground. I’d never been there before, it’s like a Christian club. there’s a game area, pool tables and stuff, a cafe to buy food or drinks, the concert space and some places to sit, but we stood the whole time. I told Dean all they need is childcare and it meets what we’ve always dreamed of building. It was an awesome concert. the best I’ve ever been to. I’m not big on concerts but this rocked. I got a shirt…it says it all!

today I got my mothers day gift, a white bathrobe, some foot socks to massage your feet, some bath scrub stuff….it was very nice. We’re heading to church soon, then out to lunch w/ Dean’s family and I think to the conservatory to see some butterfly thing Dean moms wants to go to.

Dean and I got home after midnight last night and I’m still tired! Hoping we can get in and get the boys to be on time tonight and have a relaxing evening in before another busy week begins.

*** edited to add: we just got back from church.  dean and the boys are headed to the park for lunch w/ Dean’s family.  I’m wiped out so I’m going to do the chores that havent gotten done this weekend then take a nap, or maybe watch Desperate Housewives on the tivo then take a nap!! so I get a kid, hubby and dog free home for a few hours….so things here can get caught up on and so I can rest.   I just didnt need the reminder that I’m not spending mothers day w/ my own family, plus I could use the free time to get things done.  and the peace and quiet will be nice too!!

My husband did something today that he sometimes does not intending to, he made me cry.  When I called him to tell him I felt crappy and that I needed him home early to help with the kids he yelled at me.  told me I’m doing it to myself, running myself into the ground.  the truth is I’m doing what I need to do.  I NEED to exercise every day, if you dont think so reading this or this(I love this article, it’s very helpful!) may help you….my goal is in to eventually help myself get better.  the immediate response to doing the right thing is painful and makes me feel like crap, add taking care of 3 kids, a dog and tending to household chores and you get the perfect recipe for a wiped out and in pain momma.    In order to get myself to a healthier place I need to exercise daily, my dr told me the same thing a month or so ago.   the trick is how to do I exercise daily and still be able to do what I need to do, like taking care of my kids, running them to therapy and their early intervention classes, all these thing before getting the third child from school and then dealing with him in the mix for a few more hours, which means adding in the neighborhood kids who hang out at our home.

This week I called out of working at the church as a childcare volunteer on Tuesday night.  I know I am going to have to give that up in order to keep up w/ my exercise and my family. As much as I want to do it all, it’s making me feel horrible.  i’m exhausted and wake up and go to bed aching in pain.   I dont want to tell them I cant do it anymore, I want to be superwoman, like I used to be able to do it all.

I feel guilty enough that I cant do everything I want to and some days things I need to do because how I feel, so when Dean yelled at me it just made me feel worse.  then tonight he got mad Zeke fell off a chair with me sitting right next to him, as if it really could have been helped, I took him down off the chair a ton of times and the one time I didnt he fell.   Blah….I dont need anyone adding to my guilt about not being able to keep up….I need someone supporting me for trying like hell to do it all.  all week long, i’ve been up had the beds made the kids dressed and  at the Y before 9 a.m., exercised, showered then ran errands, played w/ the kids, done the dishes, cleaned bathrooms, done laundry, fed kids, took out trash, changed diapers,  and tried to have dinner at least planned out if not started before Dean gets home.  Do you know how many moms out there dont do half the things I do for my kids, home and family all day, I manage to do it all, and have added exercise and soon I’ll add in taking the kids to early intervention classes, which will take a few hours of my time during the day once a week.   but I am sure I’ll do my best to have it all done.    Damn, it’s freaking mothers day weekend and I’m getting yelled out.  Did I mention I put away loads of laundry today?   blah….I’d like to see anybody do what I do all day and have this freaking disease, I do it and try not to complain, so here’s my vent for the month, I might need some chocolate ice cream to even it all out, heck I’ve cut out junk out of my diet and my beloved soda….cant a woman have anything nice when she’s going through hell.   bah….at least it’s Friday.

I went to be early, well early for us, despite the fact we had company over.  I went to bed around 9.  Dean didnt come to bed til midnight I believe.   I woke up feeling worse than I did yesterday.    this is exactly what happened last week after 3 days of daily exercise.   Bah…gonna force myself to keep going today…gym class at 9, meeting w/ a possible sitter for the kids at 10:30, home for lunch, naps for the kids…pick up Caleb….dinner…soccer game for caleb…blah blah blah…at least tomorrow is Saturday so I wont be doing all of the running by myself!!  not to mention we’re going on a date!!!

Any body doing anything fun for mothers day?  as far as I know we’re doing nothing,sounds fun right?

i’m so sleepy!   Went to the Y this morning for class, then headed home to meet my SIL who watched Bo and Zeke so I could go to school to take cupcakes and supervise lunch time for Calebs class.  They celebrated his birthday today since it falls over the summertime.    Came home from there, fed the boys lunch, they napped and I cleaned the house really well then went to get Caleb, and headed to the park I went to the other day without him, the Discovery Garden place.   We stayed there til just before 5 and pulled in the drive way just before Dean did.   I’ve been keeping busy all week and it’s catching up with me.   I’m in so much pain from all of the exercising, but I’ve got to keep up, overall it really seems to be helping, if anything I fall asleep easier at night!  ;-)  hopefully my body will get used to it soon!

Dean and I are going on a “date” this weekend to a concert, I’m so excited about it, the date and the concert, Superchick and some other bands, it’s going to be great!!  I cant wait for the break and the music!

I uploaded more pics on Flickr. Some from the zoo, some from our moms group trip today to the Highfield Discovery Garden. I got us a pass for a year there. So we’re building a mass of membership to local places, hoping to keep the kiddos busy this summer!!

P.S.  my grandmom said my dad is doing ok, surgery went ok, he’s sore and hoping to be discharged tomorrow.   I’m going to wait to call him til tomorrow.  gotta get the kiddos in bed…

we filed our taxes a while back and paid a ton to do so, rather the folks who prepared out taxes we paid a ton for.   we got the federal refund back pretty quickly so that was cool.  And after a month of not getting anything back from the state return Dean called the place that did our taxes, they said they filed our taxes and to just wait a bit longer, so we did.  Today Dean called their central office to be told our state tax return was never filed!!!  so it’s going to late, but they said they’d pay any fees/interest because of the error.  I am so pissed.   I cant believe a company as big as that could make a huge mistake like that.    Good thing Dean called and not me, I wouldnt have been very nice, in fact I think I would have asked for money back that we paid them to file it for us.   blah!!