My husband did something today that he sometimes does not intending to, he made me cry.  When I called him to tell him I felt crappy and that I needed him home early to help with the kids he yelled at me.  told me I’m doing it to myself, running myself into the ground.  the truth is I’m doing what I need to do.  I NEED to exercise every day, if you dont think so reading this or this(I love this article, it’s very helpful!) may help you….my goal is in to eventually help myself get better.  the immediate response to doing the right thing is painful and makes me feel like crap, add taking care of 3 kids, a dog and tending to household chores and you get the perfect recipe for a wiped out and in pain momma.    In order to get myself to a healthier place I need to exercise daily, my dr told me the same thing a month or so ago.   the trick is how to do I exercise daily and still be able to do what I need to do, like taking care of my kids, running them to therapy and their early intervention classes, all these thing before getting the third child from school and then dealing with him in the mix for a few more hours, which means adding in the neighborhood kids who hang out at our home.

This week I called out of working at the church as a childcare volunteer on Tuesday night.  I know I am going to have to give that up in order to keep up w/ my exercise and my family. As much as I want to do it all, it’s making me feel horrible.  i’m exhausted and wake up and go to bed aching in pain.   I dont want to tell them I cant do it anymore, I want to be superwoman, like I used to be able to do it all.

I feel guilty enough that I cant do everything I want to and some days things I need to do because how I feel, so when Dean yelled at me it just made me feel worse.  then tonight he got mad Zeke fell off a chair with me sitting right next to him, as if it really could have been helped, I took him down off the chair a ton of times and the one time I didnt he fell.   Blah….I dont need anyone adding to my guilt about not being able to keep up….I need someone supporting me for trying like hell to do it all.  all week long, i’ve been up had the beds made the kids dressed and  at the Y before 9 a.m., exercised, showered then ran errands, played w/ the kids, done the dishes, cleaned bathrooms, done laundry, fed kids, took out trash, changed diapers,  and tried to have dinner at least planned out if not started before Dean gets home.  Do you know how many moms out there dont do half the things I do for my kids, home and family all day, I manage to do it all, and have added exercise and soon I’ll add in taking the kids to early intervention classes, which will take a few hours of my time during the day once a week.   but I am sure I’ll do my best to have it all done.    Damn, it’s freaking mothers day weekend and I’m getting yelled out.  Did I mention I put away loads of laundry today?   blah….I’d like to see anybody do what I do all day and have this freaking disease, I do it and try not to complain, so here’s my vent for the month, I might need some chocolate ice cream to even it all out, heck I’ve cut out junk out of my diet and my beloved soda….cant a woman have anything nice when she’s going through hell.   bah….at least it’s Friday.