Wisdom from my walk

found this pic on my friends myspace page. I’m the one standing in the back w/ the short hair. A long time ago…..when life was simpler…kind of.  I think the dress Nat was wearing was mine!!  I cant believe how long ago this was, a different time a different life.   I miss my friends but I know life changes and am grateful for where I am now, just sometimes wish some things were different.  thinking of ALL of you.

Dean and I went on a date today! wohoo!!  we went to see Bare at the theater Dean worked with a long long time ago….I really wish we could find time w/ young kids to work again in theater but I dont see how it will happen.   Caleb is going to audition for his first play next Saturday.    We really enjoyed Bare.  the cast was so talented, I was so impressed!   Defnitely worth going to see if you dont mind adult themes, but for the Know it’s not so bad!!   as far as content goes….sometimes we wont recommend for friends to go to a show at Know just because some our friends might not appreciate the content of their shows.   We would love for our friends who kept the boys for us today to go see it, my friend was a music major in college and would definitely appreciate it.   Maybe next time we can find a sitter and all go see a show there!

I was feeling better and then today happened.  My friend and I went to curves together and not even halfway through I realized I might need to stop.  Sure enough a few more machines throught the circuit and I was clinging to one in hopes it would keep me from passing out.   I stopped working out and sat out while my friend finished.  She had to drive me home.    I’ve been resting a lot since then and everytime I get up I feel badly.    Oh well…..should be grateful it’s a Saturday so Dean can keep the kids and I can relax.  I just hate feeling this way and not knowing why.   We thought this morning was worse since I didnt take my new med yet because it messes w/ my heart rate and makes it impossible to get my heart rate up and that’s what Curves is about….maintaining a certain higher heart rate…so I figured I’d just take it right when I got home…but my body didnt like not having it but I’ve taken it since then and still feel badly.   so who knows whats going on …

Well.. about a month ago we got a call saying that the empty lot to us was up for grabs basically.   They hadnt been able to sell it and Ryland homes bought it in the 80s when they built the land for our subdivision.   That lot was never developed on and they’ve been unable to sell the land so they were offering to either us or the neighbor on the other side of the lot.  we were lucky in that the neighbor didnt want the land.   We got the paperwork yesterday and if we approve the land is ours ! We will just need to pay the property taxes on it each year which is minimal considering it’s a free 3/4 of an acre.  So in total we will own an acre and a half of land!!   Just read this story in the news and wondering if this is why they were trying to get it off their hands?

WOW!!! we awoke this morning and thought there was a strong wind shaking the house, but upon looking outside saw and heard no wind, and I told Dean it was an earthquake. The fact it woke Dean to begin with is a big deal, since he’s the man who slept through a tornado! So we just watched the news and sure enough we felt an earthquake that centered in Kentucky. Amazing!! I’m glad we can say we awoke to experience our first earthquake! luckily it didnt wake up the boys!! but I wish for Calebs sake he had so he can talk about his first earthquake!! I just never thought in Ohio we’d ever feel anything remotely like an earthquake. I just cant believe it! So mom dont worry we’re fine!! but it was pretty neat to know we experienced it w/ no damage!! I mean I dont mind an earthquake if it leaves our house still standing! 🙂

so far this week is going better.  the new medicine the neuro gave me has me headache free, which is a great thing!   Sleep isnt all that great, I tend to be claustrophobic and I often wake up freaking out that I cant get the cpap mask off fast enough, oddly enough putting it on and falling asleep is usually easy since I’m so tired.    I’m not as horribly tired as I was before using the machine but I’m still not 100% though w/ three kids and a busy schedule I’m sure I’m just expecting too much!  :-)  I managed to do 45 minutes of exercise last night and am hoping to get to curves today.  I havent been able to exercise since the migraines were too horrible to handle.   So hopefully things will get even better once I’m back into an exercise pattern and sleeping better.

Caleb is playing baseball this spring and Bo is very interested in it too.   At least once a day Bo and I play catch and he hits a ball around, he’s not bad for a 3 year old!!   He’s definitely going to be the sporty one in the family, I think caleb is just along for the experience of it, he’d rather be on stage someplace if he can!  Zeke will do whatever everyone else is doing, but he’s definitely got some comedian in his genes, he’s already a trickster at 2.    I’ve discovered the big key to Bo’s behavoiral meltdowns is that they mostly happen when caleb or daddy are around in addition to Zeke and I.  We can have great mornings/early afternoons but once Caleb or daddy gets home he cant stand that theres more than one person telling him what to do or not to do.   a big issue is Caleb wanting to be the adult and bossing Bo around which causes big problems for everyons behavior.   So that’s something I’m hoping to deal w/ before the summer starts and it’s an all day struggle!

well speaking of struggle, Zeke is mad at Bo gotta run…

About 2 weeks ago we were awaiting my MRI results to find out if the dr thought it was MS or something else. I had an emotional roller coaster response to that appointment but eventually got over it by keeping busy and enjoying the kids. Then I found a lump on my breast. I waited a few days til I mentioned it to Dean, I wanted to see if would just go away, and instead it seemed to be growing, it was visible to the eye, so you dont have to feel for it to know it’s there. I went to the dr to get it checked on Friday and she thinks it’s benign and wants to wait to do any testing on it. so…we wait; and pray it goes away before the 8 weeks is up. (what is up w/ doctors and their wait and see approach to my health?!? dont they know how much stress that adds to me?!?) I havent talked to anyone about it but Dean, my friend and my mom (after the appointment so as not to worry her more! )

Today at church the message was about “finding a friend.” In our meeting to prepare questions for small groups to use on the pastor’s message this week I was asked how my week was. I told them honestly that it sucked. I almost didnt go see the play my friends been working on for a month or more because I was so upset and ready to leave Dean and the kids to let them find someone who could do a better job at being a wife and mom. After a good breakdown I felt a little better and Dean and I talked after the kids were in bed. I’m not doing well, physically and worst lately is emotionally. I told Dean that I just dont think I’ve had time to deal w/ everything I’ve been going through lately. it seems like things get ok then I feel worse and then things get even worse and eventually things even out again. but I never have time to emotionally recover. What I really think need is someone to help me through this, some one who isnt stressed out by the thought of me being ill. I will probably be making another doctors appointment this week, one to find out who to turn to next to deal w/ this depression that seems to be worsening w/ my health.

I wanted to call my best friend in MD and talk to her about things but again, I dont want to add more stress to anyone, esp. someone who would be affected by hearing me say how bad I’m doing. Anyone want to be my unbiased friend???

I know some of you will be upset with me for not turning to you during this time…but again…why ruin someone elses day w/ my miserable life?

to top it all off, I’m sick, like sore throat, sore lymph nodes (very sore neck) and other cold symptoms.  I’m signed up to volunteer for PTO tomorrow at school then have an afternoon dentist appointment then I’m babysitting my friends kids again.  see what I mean about not having time to recover?? Tuesday should be pretty laid back, I think!  Wed. and Thurs. are busy w/ work and Friday night theres a big cub scout event, their last event for this school year, a big family thing so we all have to go.    Sometime in there I’d like to get to see my primary doctor to find out what other options I have for other symptoms that no one is dealing w/ including the increasing depression.   What I really want though is to sometime soon just me or even better just Dean and I to go away for a few days for some kid free, stress free relaxation, including lots of restful sleep !!

** which reminds me the cpap is going ok….it’s cutting my face for some reason and w/ the cold I cant use it, the therapist said it will actually make you feel worse if you use it when you are sick and congested so taking off using it for a few days which is good since I need to call to find out why the mask is hurting my nose so badly.   but I definitely feel less groggy when I use it, but it’s not the complete relief I was hoping for.