About 2 weeks ago we were awaiting my MRI results to find out if the dr thought it was MS or something else. I had an emotional roller coaster response to that appointment but eventually got over it by keeping busy and enjoying the kids. Then I found a lump on my breast. I waited a few days til I mentioned it to Dean, I wanted to see if would just go away, and instead it seemed to be growing, it was visible to the eye, so you dont have to feel for it to know it’s there. I went to the dr to get it checked on Friday and she thinks it’s benign and wants to wait to do any testing on it. so…we wait; and pray it goes away before the 8 weeks is up. (what is up w/ doctors and their wait and see approach to my health?!? dont they know how much stress that adds to me?!?) I havent talked to anyone about it but Dean, my friend and my mom (after the appointment so as not to worry her more! )
Today at church the message was about “finding a friend.” In our meeting to prepare questions for small groups to use on the pastor’s message this week I was asked how my week was. I told them honestly that it sucked. I almost didnt go see the play my friends been working on for a month or more because I was so upset and ready to leave Dean and the kids to let them find someone who could do a better job at being a wife and mom. After a good breakdown I felt a little better and Dean and I talked after the kids were in bed. I’m not doing well, physically and worst lately is emotionally. I told Dean that I just dont think I’ve had time to deal w/ everything I’ve been going through lately. it seems like things get ok then I feel worse and then things get even worse and eventually things even out again. but I never have time to emotionally recover. What I really think need is someone to help me through this, some one who isnt stressed out by the thought of me being ill. I will probably be making another doctors appointment this week, one to find out who to turn to next to deal w/ this depression that seems to be worsening w/ my health.
I wanted to call my best friend in MD and talk to her about things but again, I dont want to add more stress to anyone, esp. someone who would be affected by hearing me say how bad I’m doing. Anyone want to be my unbiased friend???
I know some of you will be upset with me for not turning to you during this time…but again…why ruin someone elses day w/ my miserable life?
to top it all off, I’m sick, like sore throat, sore lymph nodes (very sore neck) and other cold symptoms. I’m signed up to volunteer for PTO tomorrow at school then have an afternoon dentist appointment then I’m babysitting my friends kids again. see what I mean about not having time to recover?? Tuesday should be pretty laid back, I think! Wed. and Thurs. are busy w/ work and Friday night theres a big cub scout event, their last event for this school year, a big family thing so we all have to go.   Sometime in there I’d like to get to see my primary doctor to find out what other options I have for other symptoms that no one is dealing w/ including the increasing depression.  What I really want though is to sometime soon just me or even better just Dean and I to go away for a few days for some kid free, stress free relaxation, including lots of restful sleep !!
** which reminds me the cpap is going ok….it’s cutting my face for some reason and w/ the cold I cant use it, the therapist said it will actually make you feel worse if you use it when you are sick and congested so taking off using it for a few days which is good since I need to call to find out why the mask is hurting my nose so badly. Â but I definitely feel less groggy when I use it, but it’s not the complete relief I was hoping for.
Hey girl…hang in there…and also, if you want to have your lump biopsied then have it done. Don’t wait on the doctor. Make another appointment with them and tell them that it would be a huge relief if you could just have it biopsied. Anyway…whether or not you do that is obviously up to you, but there’s no reason to just take the doctor’s word on it. We need their knowledge but we don’t have to listen to them all the time! 🙂
Why don’t you call the growth and healing center and sign up for a class or some personal counseling or something? They have such great resources for reaching out and helping people and you could do it at a minimal cost (if any cost…not sure how they do it). You could certainly get help for the depression. And knowing that you’re talking to someone who will pray with you will help too!
Also, if you need someone to talk to, give me a call. 🙂
I will be in and out tomorrow (waiting to pick up my car, not sure about time yet)…but feel free to call me. I will pray for you, my friend. If I was closer, I’d offer to come over nd watch the kidlings so you could take some ‘you’ time to decompress. You have been through a lot. Let me know if there;s anything else that I can do for you on my end. Everyone needs a little lift in their spirits from time to time. 🙂
Eh. Despite all the craziness, you’re like the least needy person I know. So call up the friend in MD and say something like “Hey, I know you’ve got a lot going on and I hate to drop all of my stress on you, but I need to talk about some stuff. Could we talk, and could you promise to not to take responsibility for fretting about this?”
Or something.
I know I haven’t been around much lately, but that’s all changing now and I would be happy to talk about it (and not stress about it!!) I happily volunteer to be your unbiased friend, to the very best of my ability!!!!
Hay Amy,
I am glad the machine is starting to work a little and helping you feel less groggy.
I am with Sarah who said if the lump worries you bet it biopsied. Call and talk to your doctor and if they can’t give you a satisfactory answer find a new OBGYN.
I think it sounds like you need to find a counselor. I went to counseling for years specifically because it was an unbiased, stress free, environment to confide in someone and talk things out. I know it helped me deal with things in a wonderful way and got me through two pregnancies with my sanity intact.
I would certainly recommend that to you as well. From your post it sounds like you are really struggling with some depression issues and you might also want to see a Therapist about getting on meds. There are some really good drugs out there to help with depression.
Please think about it and pray about it. being depressed makes you feel miserable too and it cannot possibly help you physical health.
Remember that you are loved and people are praying for you – all over the country. 🙂
Hey you! Why didn’t you call me – I’m so glad my husband read your blog yesterday!!!! You know I am always here for you – please don’t even think twice about sharing your feelings with me – what do you think God put you in my life for anyway!!!! I want to share this excerpt from Galatians 6:2&3 (New Living Translation) “Share each other’s burdens and in this was obey the law of Christ. If you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself. You are not that important.” Now Paul is actually talking about helping your friends with sin issues, but I liken the part about helping others out (regardless of the issue)because no one is so important that he doesn’t have time or energy for their friend, because that is really why God gave us friends.
I’ll call you later this afternoon!
Love you!