Wisdom from my walk

Sorry it’s been so long folks, I know you are waiting to hear how things went. It will be hard for me to go backwards in time but I will do my best to fill you in on the last week including labor and delivery. Around 4:30 on August 9th, my parents arrived from their long 10 hour drive from Baltimore MD. They lavished me with gifts and compliments on how I only had gained baby weight. I think my mom expected me to be really fat, but aside from my huge protruding belly there wasnt much more fat on me than before I was pregnant. And quite honestly I’d lost so much weight that my face actually looked thinner now than before I was pregnant. We spent some time talking then as each hour went by I got more anxious for what was ahead. We enjoyed a great dinner, my mother in law had made us a lasagna, so luckily none of us had to cook that day. I kept saying how it was my last meal, if I’d only known then how long it would be til my next meal!

After a breif nap and a quick shower Dean and I gathered up our things to head to the hospital. We left home around 9:10 pm, we had to be there by 10. The only good thing about going to the hospital at night, good parking! We had no problem finding a spot! After about 15 minutes of waiting on the busy labor and delivery nurse to admit us we finally found our way to our room. The first hour was spent getting informed about the plans for our induction and going over my health history with the nurse. Finally about midnight the cervidil was inserted, which was to start the process of thinning my cervix. I was told that that would stay in place for 12 hours, much longer than I had anticipated, I thought for sure by then we’d be well on our way to having a baby. So I was a little upset. About 1:00 am I started to have severe back pain and cramps. When they checked me at 3:00 there had been no changes, and apparently by then I should have started thinning more and becoming more effaced. By the way, we started out at midnight, 1 cm dialated and 50 percent effaced. So I was the same then. At 6 or so in the morning the nurse checked and said still no change, and that that might mean we get sent home to come back to try another day or that they might consider a c-section. I was definitely not going to go home and go through all of that again in a few days so I held on for hope. Around 7 the dr arrived and told us that he and the nurse would talk and would decide what to do next. So at 8 am they decided to break my water and get the ball rolling. And as the doc put it, there was no turning back now. And boy was he right!

It was not long after, even before 8:30 that I began having contractions every 2-3 minutes. This continued for a few hours and when they checked me next I was at 3 cm. Until this point I had been having non stop contractions on my own, but to speed things up they decided to start me on pitocin to make the contractions stronger. After that I kept having strong contractions almost a minute apart but I was not dialating any more. I got stuck at 3 cm and was in severe pain. I was given nubane through my iv to take the edge off of the pain because I couldnt get an epidural until I was 4 cm. But after another hour or so and no change and I was a mess, the nurse ordered for me to get the epidural. I was so scared. The anastheiologist was great though and his calming nature helped a lot. I cant believe I got through that yet I know that I couldnt have done the rest of the day without it. Almost immediately I went to 5 cm! The nurse said sometimes the epidural relaxes your body and speeds labor up, apparently I was so stressed and in so much pain before that that I had stopped the progression of my labor. At 5 pm I was still at 5 cm and we werent going anywhere. Around this time it was discussed that I only had a few hours left to keep trying or that they would do a c-section. I was very upset but knew Caleb was still doing fine. So when they checked me at 8 pm nothing else had happened, the doc said I was maybe at 6 cm but barely. It was decided that my epidural be turned off and the pitocin turned up. Before we knew it I was complete, at 10 cm and ready to push. I pushed, despite what a very rude anastheiologist thought, for 3 hours. I was so numb from the epidural that I had no feeling at all and had a very hard time pushing until the epidural started to wear off. But the anastheiologist kept saying I wasnt trying hard enough and that it wasnt his fault I couldnt feel my legs to push. He was covering his own butt is all. So his rudeness pushed me to push with all my might, and before we knew it the nurse told us she could see a head of hair! I was thrilled, we had kept wondering if he’d have hair when he was born.

But after 3 hours of hard labor, that little head of hair wasnt coming out any further. Around 10:50 pm I was told we would be going to across the hall to have a c-section. The hardest part after that was trying not to push through the strong contractions. I was terribly upset yet relieved that shortly it would all be over. There is a lot I have left out, but this is the facts of it. The iother important stuff is: during that 3 hours of hard labor when I couldnt feel my legs while I was pushing, I had my mom, my mother in law, the nurse and my sister in law, and dont forget Dean, holding my legs and helping me push. It wasnt until we got to the point where I had to push that I realized there was no way I was going to do this on my own. Until that point I had not decided who would be there or not. All I remember is that at one point the dr came in to check me and sent everyone out of the room. Sometime after that I was asked who could come back and I know I asked for my mom and Dean’s mom came in. And luckily Rachel just let herself in (my sister in law). After that I was asked if certain people could come in and I said no, not to be rude but because I didnt want anyone to get upset seeing me in so much pain, my mom was already a mess and I doubt whether it was good for her to be there, but I am glad she was. Dean was great the whole time I was in labor, the whole 14 hours of it! I was looking at pictures of it the other day and there were some pics of us together, and ones of all of us laughing, and I remember that. I remember the laughs, the tears, and the pain. I also remember getting very sick during that last 3 hours and someone putting a rag on my forehead that kept falling off everytime I had to vomit, I eventually yelled about that dumb cloth on my forehead, I got so mad at it! I even remember yelling at my mother in law for taking pics while I was pushing. Aside from that I dont think I really got rude or nasty with anyone, I was very determined to get through , especially after I was at 10 cm and I was told about his head of hair!

I was wheeled off to surgery , but before I went I remember telling my mom not to worry about me, and through her tears she said ok. I remember that like it was yesterday. I will never forget how funny Dean looked all geared up to go into the O.R. with me! Surgery was a huge joke to me at the time, I think between being so numb and on so many drugs I was on a huge high. I kept laughing at every little push and tug I felt on my stomach as they operated. I kept saying it felt like I was being tickled. I kept asking how much longer, and that last 5 minutes seemed to last forever. Even before I heard Caleb cry the first time I knew he was no longer in me, I felt a huge weight being lifted off of me. And a few seconds later I heard him cry. I immediately wanted to see him but I couldn’t. It was at least 5 minutes before Dean brought him over, I never got to hold him then, just got to look at him and his proud Daddy. I remember those first few minutes and how protective I felt of him, but after that I dont remember much. I remember waking up to voices later of my family and Dean. I think Dean showed me Caleb but I dont remember. I remember everyone saying they were leaving and after that I have no memory other than waking up the next morning alone in a different room – without Caleb or Dean. Around 9:30 that Saturday Dean showed up and they brought Caleb in sometime before or after that, but I wasnt very coherent much of that day either. It wasn’t until Dean was around that I felt safe and comfortable.

There is a lot that I left out, but there is so much that happened that I cant possibly put into words here, and lots that I dont care to remember about the whole experience. I’d have to say the best part of labor and delivery was laying on that OR table staring at my husband and our new baby. From that moment on Dean didnt want to put Caleb down and took care of him until well, until today when he went back to work. I was told to take it easy because of the c-section but after being on bedrest for so long I couldnt keep myself in bed. By Saturday evening I was walking around a little and by Sunday afternoon I was walking the halls without help. The nurses said I looked like a whole new woman. We left the hospital Monday afternoon, not even 3 days after giving birth. I have had no pain, other than some stinging where my incision is since the day we left the hospital. I have been doing laundry, cleaning , and I even made dinner once. I know my recovery is not normal of a woman who’s had a c-section, and I attribute it all to lots of prayers and a strength that only God could have given me. During the whole process of labor, delivery and recovery, I know that we have experienced almost every possible problem along the way, and I even had to endure the two greatest fears I had : an epidural and c section, and along there were lots of little things that happened during the course of events that I didnt mention that scared me even more. The end result that arrived at 11:19 on August 10th weighing in at 7 lbs 9 oz was our little angel Caleb Richard McKenzie.

SINCE THEN: At our one week check ups both Caleb and I did great. Caleb weighed in at 7 lbs 12 oz. I weighed in 23 lbs lighter than I was the week before! And boy was I happy about that. The only negative thing was my blood pressure was still up and I have since started on some blood pressure medicine. Dean is doing a great job taking care of me and Caleb. From day one he has changed more diapers than me! It was hard for me because I was so out of it at first and then in so much pain, that Dean had to step up the plate right away and he has done great! Thanks honey!

We had some issues with our attempt to breastfeed so we are currently bottle feeding Caleb the breast milk that I pump. it’s a chore but it gives him what he needs most, and Dean can feed him so it is helpful. Dean was off all of last week and stayed home taking care of us. Despite his orders and the drs I have done much more than I should, like laundry and cleaning, all while Dean tends to Caleb. Today was my first day alone with Caleb and we did okay, I am extremely exhausted, but I am sure that is completely normal.

Forgive me for not getting to posting earlier, I’ve been either in bed, feeding Caleb, changing diapers, or pumping for his next feeding. It’s a vicious cycle! But it’s all worth it to gave into his beautiful blue eyes, and we are so blessed because Caleb is not a fussy baby at all. When he does get fussy it is ussually because he is hungry or bored with his current postion so we just move him around and he is fine.

Aside from baby news, we just found out that we will be relocating to Washington DC for Dean to start working on Sept 10th at his companie’s office there. It will be a huge move for us, but it is closer to my family that lives in Balto so it should make a lot of people happy. Well I’ve been neglecting my intake of food lately and Dean is pestering me to eat something, all I’ve had to eat today was 2 peices of cold pizza at 3 pm, and I know I should be eating a hearty 2100 calories, and I know I am no where close to that nor have I been since I came home from the hospital so better go find something to munch on. I’ll try to write more often as Caleb allows. ……………

In about 7 hours I will be admitted to the hospital and as each hour has passed today I get more and more anxious, and scared! My parents havent arrived yet but should be here any time now. Stacey is not going to come til later on, which will give her more time to spend with us once we are home from the hospital. Just in case we don’t get pics posted right away, the hospital should have a pic up shortly after Caleb is here, it is Christ hospital and just look under Amy & Caleb. Apparently they let you purchase picture packages too, well at the hospital they let us, but it is a neat option. I may just get a wallet or two, just so we can have his first picture, but Dean has the digital camera all packed and ready so there should be tons of oppty for pics. Well wish us luck and we’ll write as soon as we are back into the swing of things, I will be glad to just not be on bedrest anymore! Wohoo! This induction thing has its pros and cons but I think the best part will be knowing soon I will be staring into the eyes of my son!

Last night I broke bed rest, again. It was Ann’s birthday so we went to dinner, to a very nice restaurant, and then to her parent’s house for cake and for her to open a zillion presents – you would have thought it was Christmas! The amazing thing was I ate a pasta dinner, probably way too many peices of bread, chocolate cake, and plenty of ice cream, yet my blood sugar was fine both last night and this morning. It puzzles me when things like that happen. I have an appt today with my specialist and I intend to find out how soon after having the baby I can stop monitoring my sugar and eat normally again.

My mom and step dad will be coming up tomorrow, they will leave Baltimore early tomorrow morning and be here sometime in the afternoon. I am hoping Stacey can make it up too but I will understand if she can’t. Ann is thinking about taking off of work on Friday so she can be at the hospital and I keep telling her to just go to work and come up after. She’s had off today and yesterday and I dont want her to jeopardize her job just to be there with us. I am not sure what the in-laws plans are as far as being at the hospital, they havent said much, except that they are excited. So it could be a crowded hospital room or maybe not. I am just hoping it is comfy and that there is a place for Dean to sleep if he wants. That and that we end up with a room with a shower, not all of the rooms have showers. So it’s less than 48 hours til they start my induction! Aaaggghhhh! I am getting nervous and I already started double checking my hospital bag which I’ve already packed and repacked a zillion times in the last week. Today my plans are to go to my ultrasound appt, then go get some groceries since my mom is staying here for her stay and if Stacey comes so will she. So I dont want the cabinets to be completely empty! Not that they are but I dont think there is much variety either. I am sure mom will go shopping when she gets here anyway, she tends to do stuff like that, or she brings her own food with her?! I guess she just doesnt want to use up our stuff. Who knows. I am excited about everyone coming but I wish my brother could be here too. I talked to him yesterday but it’s just not the same.

I have decided to try to contact my dad this afternoon, and with any luck I wont be able to reach him, no really, Dean said if he were in my shoes he wouldnt call him but I keep telling myself he is still my Daddy and this is still his grandson by his only daughter and he has a right to know, even if he doesnt care, he should have the choice to come or not come. So we will see how that goes….until then I am doing a little resting and a little cleaning since we will have company soon. I plan to dedicate all day tomorrow to complete bedrest, until my mom gets here at least, and then she will probably keep me in bed too, I am sure she will be more strict on me than Dean is. I would love to spend all day today in bed but I keep feeling like there is so much to do, I got up as soon as Dean left for work to clean the floors and start what little laundry there is left to do before tomorrow. I just want to make sure that once I get back from my appt and the grocery store I can go right to bed and stay there til tomorrow. But that means getting everything done before 10 am today! So if anything I will come back and just have to finish up laundry – which isn’t too big of a deal. So it’s another dull day, one of the last carefree days I will ever have.

I keep telling Dean I want to do something grand tonight for our last night as just us but he has to be at the theater and I really should be in bed. So much for romance and spontaneity (i am sure i spelled that wrong!). But I am sure we will find plenty of time together between Caleb’s naps and there are plenty of people already volunteering to babysit. It may not be soon but I know we will find time for each other, and I think Caleb will bring us closer together. I cant wait to see Dean holding his son!!! He will be such a great daddy!

Have a great day folks!

Well, I just got back from my appt and non stress test. Of course Caleb is doing fine and my bp was okay. I voiced my concerns with the dr about how I was doing and how I didn’t understand why we needed to wait another week if they were going to induce anyway. He said it would be better if my cervix was doing something on it’s own and they were waiting to see if it would. He looked over my chart, he’s not my regular dr, but I’ve seen him before. And he paused a while and said that he was going to call to get a time for me to go in Thursday night to start our induction! I was so excited, and scared. It gives me a few days to make sure everything is ready here, and some time to rest up before I am in labor. I have one last ultrasound, Wednesday morning which he said to keep. So we have to be at the hospital at 10 pm on Thursday night and they will insert the stuff to make me start to dilate! So looks like sometime on Friday we will have little Caleb in our arms.

Sorry it’s been a few days, it’s not that I’ve been busy, quite the opposite actually. Dean has been home all weekend and wouldnt allow me to leave bed very much. Although he says I always get my way, so I did make it out to his parents for dinner on Saturday night then we walked a bit at the Blues Fest that was going on. But by then I was so exhausted I was ready to be back in bed. And yesterday I went to church which wore us both out apparently because we both came home and napped for like 3 hours! I think all of his late nights is catching up with him (dean). Maybe he is just preparing to be up with Caleb.

Aside from that it was a pretty boring weekend, I stayed in bed and Dean played on his new computer. Same old same old. And of course my mom called at least once a day to check up on us!

Today I have an appt to get another non stress test on Caleb, but I know he will do fine. We know he is healthy it’s me they should be concerned about. My emotional state is getting worse and worse and I told Dean last night in a fit of tears that I dont know if I can take another whole week of bedrest. I am also worried that I am gaining an extreme amt of weight since all I do is eat and sleep and my belly feels so heavy. It’s not that I look heavier, I think it must just be that since I lay on my side all day that once I do get out of bed there is all of this extra weight that I didnt notice all day. I feel so lazy, and cant think of anything other than reading to do to occupy myself in bed so I just keep sleeping. Sleeping my life away so it seems.

I feel for any woman who was ever put on bedrest, it’s been less than 2 weeks and I have cabin fever, I cant imagine those who have been on it for months. Well I’ll let you know how my drs appt goes this afternoon. It’s back to bed for me, wohoo!

Yesterday turned out to be a very long and stressful day. I had a morning appt with my ob, andI knew things weren’t going well when my bp was really high and the dr usually does his exam then sits down and talks to us. Yesterday he did the exam said nothing except get dressed and I’ll be back to talk to you – I knew it couldn’t be good. So, he comes back and says we need to go be admitted to the hospital to get testing to make sure I am not developing toxemia. I was glad that they were finally checking, I’ve only had symptoms for about a month now! But I was in no way prepared to go to the hospital, especially after he said pending the test results we could have a baby tomorrow!

Luckily Dean had met me there so we drove our cars home, since we both had driven there, had a decent lunch then headed downtown to the hospital. We spent all afternoon there with me hooked up to a non stress test. They came and took a lot of blood for lab work and we waited. I think the worst part was that the nurse refused to let me sit up or even lay on my back at all. I had to be laying on my side constantly, and I got quite sore and miserable doing that. But the good thing was my bp ended up being the best it’s been the whole time I’ve been pregnant, but only because I was really on bedrest, like I should have been. All of my tests came back normal and I so enjoyed watching the fetal monitor seeing how Caleb’s heart beat went up and down with every little kick and nudge. So they sent me home with orders to return for more tests on Monday at my ob’s office. I was also put on complete bedrest with bathroom privliges, no no computer privliges, yet I am sitting here writing aren’t I? I can not imagine being in bed all day like I was yesterday afternoon but I know that I need to be for my health and Caleb’s. They also told me to call my ob if I experience any more headaches, blurred vision or dizziness. Well hello folks, the whole reason I was there was because I kept having those symptoms and if I call the dr everytime they may as well have just kept me there! But I dont have toxemia and no one can tell me why I feel so bad, except, you are pregnant. But my symptoms aren’t normal, but all my tests were fine so apparently I will survive another week. They said if it doesnt happen before August 12, I will be induced on the 12th. But like I said I go back Monday for more tests. So who knows how that will go, with any luck they will decide to relieve me and help move Caleb along and out into this brave new world.

So since I should be in bed, forgive me if I dont write often and dont worry, if we go into labor or are forced into it, we will let you know!

Why is life so difficult? I mean, sometimes things will be going so smoothly and you look around and think to yourself, hey we’ve got it pretty good right now. Just this morning I was sitting in the baby’s room thanking God for all of the things we’ve been blessed with. Our townhouse isn’t spectacular, and yes we’ve been waiting on the maintainance man to come fix even more bathroom problems, but overall we’ve got a pretty nice place for Caleb when he gets here. We’ve got more toys and clothes than he’ll probably need. We have a nice new computer, compliments of Dean’s hard work for the Know theater. It’s all just stuff though.

About 3 years ago I moved here(ohio) with nothing but the suitcase my grandmother gave me as a graduation present packed with the clothes my mother had bought for me. How did I get here? I was driven by a tall gorgeous man who is now my husband. He whisked me away to a little suburb in Ohio that I’d never heard of before. Why did I come? To be free of my parents and all of the problems associated with my family and friends that had come to a climax in the last few months before my leaving. I didnt have it bad, not at all, but I was young and the only way I knew to cope with problems was to run from them, a lesson I’d learned from my parents. So I left it all behind, and figured it would all sort itself out in time. When I got here I moved in with Dean’s parents, I had a small room with just a bed and a dresser that they provided for me. I was happy, as long as I had Dean by my side. A few months later we got married. We got our own place, and filled it with what little we had given to us and with lots of yard sale and auction furniture. It was our place. Today we live in a nicer place than our first one, but still only have a few articles of furniture that we spent real money for, most of it is still old used furniture, and much of what we own we are still paying off credit cards for. It’s been three years, and since I moved here I have grown a lot – in my marriage and as an individual. I’ve since dealt with most if not all of the problems I was fleeing from when I came here, yet there are still a few loose ends that I doubt will ever be dealt with in entirety.

The decisions I made then changed my life forever. Less than a year ago we found out we were going to have a baby. We had never decided not to have children, and never did anything to prevent us from having children, another thing we probably should have considered before deciding or rather, not making a clear decision on. Today we face more decisions. We face these decisions with a lot more maturity and reason behind us, yet we also have a lot more to consider now. Not only will we be deciding on our future as individuals and a couple, but the things we do today will forever change our son’s life, a life that he hasnt even been able to enjoy with us yet. I know many of you may be thinking, what on earth is she talking about, and all I can say is, every day we are faced with new and exciting things in our lives. Sometimes we are faced with choices that seem trivial and take little thought to decide on, but now, as we prepare to become parents, there will be no more decisions that are trivial or minute. Everything we do, say, think or act will affect not only us but our family! It’s a very scary thought. We’ve had three years together as a couple and in that time we made many decisions and also didnt make a lot of decisions, or rather let fate decide for us on things, now we must think things through much more clearly. These are the things you dont think about when you look at those two little lines on the home pregnancy test, there are a lot of things you dont consider when buying that first baby outfit. And before you know it, you are hit head on by the mack truck containing every fear and concern you could possibly have about having a family, and the irony of it all, is that when Dean and I first met years ago, we were just children ourselves, now here we are having a child of our own. Life is a cycle, we can change certain things in our life, but I earnestly believe that all of those years ago when we met, Dean & I, God was up in heaven smiling down on us, thinking, if they only knew what their lives will be like in 13 years from now- and yes we make decisions every day but H knows what choices we will make even before we are faced with the question. Sometimes I wonder why I even stress over things because no matter how hard or long I worry and fret over something, the end result will always be the same, for God knows our every thought and He knows where we will be 10 years from now, so even if we spend days weeks months on one choice in our life, He knew all along what we would decide. I just wonder why He doesnt fill us in so we wouldnt waste so much time worrying!

Sorry for getting all deep on everyone, it’s been a rather contemplative morning and I’ve had a lot on mind lately, more than I could fill up a 1000 page novel with, so to settle my brain I thought I’d blog a little, okay, a lot!