Wisdom from my walk

We started to pack today. *sigh* We didn’t start til about 1:00 pm and we were supposed to be at Dean’s sisters house at 4:00 pm for our neices & nephews birthday party. So, we didn’t get much done because of course in between those hours Caleb had to eat 2 times and I had to pump before we left not to mention get a shower and get Caleb ready. So we finally arrived at my sister in laws at 4:30 and had to leave shortly after 5 to make it to church by 6 ! So to say the least it was a busy afternoon.

Tonight our church did baby dedications. Since our church is so big they only do dedications every couple of months; tonight there were 34 babies being dedicated! There were lots of friends and family there to see little Caleb get dedicated and it was great to know he is so loved. But on the other end of that I cant help but think of how many people will miss him when we leave. Everyone keeps asking when we can get together before we move. There are just so many people who want to get together and only so many evenings left; and it doesnt help that we have so much else to deal with like packing and taking care of Caleb at the same time. So we are probably going to be so busy up until the time we leave, then when we get to Balto everyone is going to want to get together to meet Caleb for the first time. So I expect the busyness of the next few weeks will not wear off until at least early October!!!

I keep asking Dean if he is sure about the move, I guess it is just hard to deal with saying good bye to many friends that it seems we just got close with. And it’s not like I am emotionally up to such a big move so soon after having Caleb, but Dean kept being encouraging and trying to make me feel better. I think it will take a while to get adjusted and it wont be right away that we have our own place so it will be a while before I will even be able to feel somewhat comfortable with the situation.

I am looking forward to spending most of tomorrow packing up house, yeah, right! But I cant stand the mess we started making so at least I will be motivated to do some packing. We had a hard time today since Caleb of course was wide awake and demanding our full attention. So I think we may have to resort to having someone watch him for us so we can get some serious packing done. Today it was just hard trying to find a place close to keep him so we could keep an eye on him and still have him out of our way so we could have the boxes sprawled out all over! I know we’ll get through this move but right now I cant imagine how!

I just checked my bank account and my paycheck isn’t there! The really bad part about that is that now I will have to call my boss and face the question of when I will be returning to work! So Dean & I were trying to figure out how much more time left I have on my paid disability and we figured out that I only have 3 weeks left. And if I have to still give my two weeks notice that if I end up doing so today I will only miss one week of 60% of my pay ~ which isn’t that much but is more than nothing. I can’t believe I have already been off of work for 5 weeks! And Caleb is only 2 weeks old so if I was going back to work it still woudlnt be for 6 weeks and 3 weeks of that would be unpaid so basically moving doesnt change that much. I will just have to use that time to look for a new job in Baltimore. So with the move I will still have more time off without pay but even if we stayed I’d have to take at least 3 weeks unpaid and who knows if I’d still have a job when I got back, apparently a lot is changing while I am away. Two people have already given their notice or so I’ve been told, so I am sure when I do talk to my boss she will not be thrilled to hear what I have to say. But oh well, it’s not like I nver intended to go back, it all just kind of happened. So just another thing to deal with today that will no doubt get the tears rolling soon…….I tried to call one of the girls at work to tell her before I told the boss so that she wouldnt get upset when she finds out from everyone else but she wasnt available so I hope to talk to her before I do my boss just to give them a heads up.

I thought now that I am not pregnant that I wouldn’t be so emotional, but I guess it is that postpartum depression stuff. It’s not bad, but with having to deal with a big move and still being so physically exhausted it is all taking it’s toll on me. I have had no appetite since I left the hospital and am barely forcing myself to eat lunch and dinner, last night I made myself eat then I got the worst upset stomach, I am sure it is all my own doing. Dean tried to make me eat something, even brought food from his mothers for me, all ready just needed heated but I took a few bites and it just tasted awfult. That’s been my experience, nothing tastes good anymore, except those brownies I made last night! Aside from being teary at every little thing and not wanting to eat I wouldnt be concerned about myself, but I know since Caleb is getting my breastmilk I better start eating better soon, at least I can comfort myself knowing at least I am still on prenatal vitamins, that should help him out some.

So we are supposed to be meeting with our small group from church tonight and they had wanted to come to our house but I said no. There is no way I am about to take care of Caleb all day on my own and have the house clean for company and then be up to being awake when they arrive. So they decided to meet at someone else’s house, but today our leader called and said how important it was that we go, since it will be the last one we can attend before the move. He said it would help everyone have closure. I tried to stay cordial but after I got off the phone I was in tears. I felt so bad for even thinking about not going tonight, but then I reminded myself it’s only been two weeks and I really have done way too much already. I guess they just dont realize how soon it is and that I really should be resting more, but I guess because I have been so up and around that they thought I’d be okay to go tonight. But by the time it rolls around for Dean to be home I am ready for bed! And I dont see why today would be any different. Oh well, like I said everything makes me upset and I was a mess after he called and gave me the guilt trip he did.

My brother just called to see how we were doing and we were talking about the move and I said something about not telling anyone we were coming back because we werent sure of our plans yet and he said everyone already knows because my aunt read our webpage then told everyone. I guess I just didnt realize who all read our pages! So hello everyone!!! I was telling Dean that I mostly write for myself and him. I dont think about who else reads it, I do it just to get things out of my head and out there. It helps me deal with things if I write about it, it helps me think things through. Like the move, and all of my baby thoughts, I feel like if I keep it all bottled up and never get it out I’ll truly be a mess, so hence why I blog. So sorry for not calling and telling everyone first before I blogged but it’s easier to write then have to answer questions that I dont know the answers to yet like the when and how of the move.

I have the greatest husband! Since day one with Caleb he has been there; changing diapers, feeding, burping, and loving on our little angel. When he got home from work yesterday he knew I wasn’t feeling well and took Caleb over to his mothers for an hour or so and I had the most relaxing candlelit bath and was able to pump breastmilk without constantly checking on the baby. It was great! Then tonight he has gotten up with Caleb every time, I am only up now so I can pump so I wont wake up with a soggy leaking mess of breastmilk! I have slept at least 3 hours straight and it feels great! I feel so bad though, I know Dean has to work in the morning but when I offered to take Caleb from him he just said to not worry about it since this is the only time he can take care of him. I think it is rough on him , not being able to help out now that he is working, but I really do wish he’d get a good night sleep too. Oh well, maybe this weekend he can. Thanks honey! You really are the best!

I just got back from the dr, my blood pressure is down, not completely normal but a lot better than last week, so I am supposed to cut down on the medicine for a week and if I have no more symptoms stop altogether taking it. So hopefully by next week I wont need the medicine anymore. Caleb did great, he slept while I was at the drs office then we went to see Dean at work, so he could show off his little bundle of joy. Caleb cried a little but he was way past due for his lunch so that was understandable. And I think on the way home he either missed his daddy or was mad at me for not having changed his diaper yet, cause he kept fussing, and it was awful because I coudlnt see him in the car seat and I had to keep drivning, I almost pulled off on the side of the highway but everytime I considered it he would stop and then a few minutes later start crying again. I was a mess by the time I got home, I just wanted to hold him , but by then he had cried himself fast asleep and wanted nothing to do with being cuddled or talked to. Oh well,….I am just proud of us for making it out of the house and back in one peice! Now it’s nap time for Caleb and mommy, my favorite part of the day!

I think the hardest part about being home alone, so far, is wanting/needing to take a shower. Today I have to go the dr, and of course every other day I take a shower when Caleb is sleeping but this morning he is determined to be awake, and somewhat fussy at that! Even when I have no plans to go anywhere I still enjoy starting my day with a shower and I have no intentions of taking one before Dean leaves for work because I dont need one bad enough to wake up that early! So today I jumped in and out of the shower while Caleb was half content with his pacifier. And sure enough as soon as he hears me back in the room he spits out the passy and fusses at me! Oh well, I really shouldnt ignore him to take a shower, but a mommy has needs too.

Dean is scheduled to be working his new job on Sept. 10 in DC, here it is August 23rd and we have one box packed! Yesterday Dean discovered we probably wont be able to afford a moving truck, but we kind of have to have one. So we are trying to think about what to do about that. Apparently my brother offered to help us pay for it, yes he is very excited we are moving back home! But I cant imagine how they have the money either, but I am sure he wouldnt offer if he didnt. Speaking of my brother, we just found out they are going to have another baby, this one is due the same time as their first child and ironically my sister in laws sister is due that same time with her first baby as well. So in April we will have more babies! By then Caleb will be ready to be out of the spotlight so I am sure we will be able to deal with that then. At least he has a few months at the youngest baby though, and since we’ll be close to family it should be great.

We gave Caleb his first tub bath last night, okay, Dean did. We had every intention of doing it together but I decided to run to get the camera and Caleb decided he didnt like the water so Dean hurried to get done with the bath. Caleb never minded being wiped down with a wet rag but I guess being submerged in the water was a little much for him.

Well it’s about time for the little one to eat, again. He is an eating machine, all last night it was every hour and a half, it is exhausting! Poor Dean was worn out this morning, I feel so bad for him since he has to work, I can make up for lost sleep and sleep during Caleb’s day naps but Dean has to get up and work all day. He is doing a great job though, once he gets home he hardly wants to put Caleb down. yesterday my mother in law and I went out to have lunch with Dean so he could spend that time with Caleb and I think that helped him feel a little better. Well I hear Caleb stirring………….