Wisdom from my walk

For those of you just dying to know what happened w/ my friend, here’s her side of the story. I’ve yet to talk to her on the phone, and dont have the energy to today. We’re still down and out w/ a horrible cold. Is it really possible that I have been sick for almost 4 months straight? Guess going to the dr would help, oh yeah, wait we cant. I feel so horrible I could just scream , if only someone would come keep Caleb busy so Dean and I can get some rest. Yeah, Dean caught it too, he’s home sick again today. this sucks!!

Did I forget to mention, I quit my job on Friday. We’re sticking w/ the stay at home mom thing for as long as we can make it, or not make it even. Hooray for me! Hooray for Caleb!! Hooray for Dean!! Hooray for everyone!!

Day light savings time isn’t affecting us too badly this morning. Caleb’s been sleeping in his play pen in our room for a week or so now, ever since he had that horrible flu bug and now since he’s having trouble breathing w/ this cold. Its nice because he can wake up see us and be comforted back to sleep. He usually calls out mommy daddy until one of us answers and we say night night and he’ll go back to sleep. It wasnt until 8:30 this morning that he really started trying to coax us up to get him some juice. But if he was in his room and woke up he would scream until someone came to get him. So this arrangement is nice because he’s not taking up space in our bed w/ us but he’s close enough to comfort by just saying hey we are here and he can see us right there w/ him.

Dean and Caleb are up and out already going to get Dean’s brother so he can go to church w/ us. Then they’ll swing back by here to get me, I am supposed to be getting showered and ready, but I couldnt resist a quiet kidless house that I could blog in!! After church we are heading to the shore for a birthday party for my brother and his son, their birthdays are tomorrow, the 7th. As is our friend Tronsters‘ too! So happy early birthday to everyone!

I think my best friend got married on Friday. Talked to her on Thursday, tentative plans were for them to go the courthouse Friday around 3, not sure which courthouse or anything. I guess I should even stop saying my best friend anymore. Because once you’re not invited to a wedding where you were supposed to be the maid of honor then I guess you’re truly not important to the other person anymore. I know she may read this and I could censor my feelings but I dont want to. I am hurt by her selfishness and I feel if there is something bothering her or if she just doesnt want us involved in her “new” life then all she has to do is tell me. But I dont think just bailing out on a best friend is the thing to do. Even if it wasnt me. I mean I cant think of a single thing I could have done wrong, but then again, I probably didnt. Sure people can get wrapped up in wedding plans and moving, but if theres anyone you should be calling for help it should be your best friend, you know the one you asked to be your maid of honor. Okay, enough ranting on about that. I just wanted to make it known that I did try, how many times to you have to call and give well wishes and offer help and support and get rejected before you just give up on the relationship all together? Well thats the point I am . I’ve been through this before. Sadly enough w/ my own father. People in my life tend to screw me over despite my nagging attempts at being supportive and of uncountable random acts of kindness. But like I asked, at which point does one just stop giving and stop caring. Right now I’ve given up on a relationship with my father. I’ve given up on a relationship w/ other lost friendships I’ve had. I am ready to give up on my best friend. I love her dearly but I cant handle another heartbreak. On the verge of all this heartbreak, I must go be social w/ my fathers family at this party today. I love them dearly but the fear that my father himself may show up spoils any attempt for fun I might have today. I love my father. Last night I had a dream I got a phonecall saying he was dead and that the morgue needed me to come identify him. I told them I couldnt possible do that because I dont remember who he was or what he looked like. I will never truly be able to forget what he looks like, my brother and I are spitting images of him. I hate that, but its a constant reminder that I do have a father, even as uninvolved and as unloving as he is. I awoke this morning half believing that the dream I had was true. It’s often that I will dream things that happen shortly thereafter. Not sure how it works, but it does. I pray this isnt so. Even though I may have given up on trying to have a relationship w/ him for my child and future childrens sakes I still pray that a miracle happens and he truly becomes the changed man he always try to say he is. And I pray that I too change and can become more willing and open to new friendships and that I do better managing them than I have in the past. It’s hard though to put time and energy into a relationship knowing my record of abandoned and failed friendships. But I know that God can change me and my heart and open the door for great new friendships to grow. Growing evidence of this comes every Sunday and Tuesday as we go to church and meet w/ our small group. We’re making a lot of new friends, but at the same time I dont want to lose the friends I already have, or at this point, I had.

Just sat down and looked over the bills for the month against our check book. On Monday when we report back to work I will need to pay for Calebs tuition for next week. This past week we paid $140 for full time care, Caleb was there for less than 15 hours. That money is gone, never to be seen again. So on Monday I am expected to pay another $140 and see what happens. There is a good chance I will not ever make that money back from this week unless I pay for next week at which point we could hit the same problem and if I work less than 40 hours we are then out $280. I think I am going to have to call and quit. I hate to do it, but we cant afford it. I hate it that I tried it before I figured out it wouldnt work. This now requires me to physically go back in and pick up all of Calebs stuff that is there. I would leave it but he has a bear there and a good amount of diapers that we really cant afford to lose right now. I dont know if I should be foolish and try to work and pray it will pay enough to cover the money we already lost or not. Did I mention I had to $35 for a background check and had to buy some new clothes for this job too?

It’s all my own fault and I realize that now. I guess I shouldnt take every thing so literally, ok I prayed that I would find a job that I would be happy with and that we could keep Caleb someplace different than he was when I worked before. Those parts of the prayer were answered. The part about meeting our financial needs, well I guess I am still waiting on that miraclbe to happen. But in the mean time do I have us go w/ litlte to no money to pay bills just so I can see if this will pan out? I’d be discussing this w/ my hubby right now instead of venting it all here, but he and Caleb were asleep by 8 pm due to this nasty bug we have. Me I dont feel well but I feel an aching need to do something. So silly me I worked on bills and the check book. Not exactly a good idea, I knew there was a reason I was avoiding doing so all week. Guess I was just trying to prove to myself that I could work and make it, but guess just another failed attempt on my part. My body said no after day one. Caleb said no after day two. The bank says no after day 3 and after no working on day 4.

Dean just snores….well for now, his answer will be along the lines of do what you think is best, you’re the one who handles the money. I hate this. I dont make the money I just write out the checks to pay the bills. I dont mind that part, I just hate being the one to decide how much money goes where. Right now I want to do what is right, but dont know what that is. I am trying to think ahead, right now, like today we have the money to pay on Monday for tuition. But come next Wednesday we have to have money to pay the mortgage and after tuition and groceries there wont be the full mortgage payment. So it will be late meaning waiting another week to pay it in the meantime the money we do have sits in the bank mocking us saying see you have money, but if we use it then we still dont have money for bills. It’s an odd cycle point is if we dont pay the bills w/ the money now then the bills may get paid late and then the cycle forces other bills to be later….and so on and so on. I stopped working in December. We havent paid a bill late since then(or before that, but the point is since December), other than Cobra but thats a hell of a lot of money we’ve had to budget strictly for. This may be the first month we get behind, all because I am trying to go back to work thus having to pay childcare. It doesnt make any sense. Going broke so I can try to go to work and make a few extra bucks a week for us. My first paycheck wont come til April 22nd. It’s only April 5th. Between now and then we must pay 3 payments of $140 for Caleb to go to daycare. My first paycheck probably probably wont equal the 4 total weeks of daycare we would have paid up until that point. Is this making any sense to anyone?!?!? Let me just say, dealing w/ this stinks. Yes children are expensive. Going to work shouldnt be expensive. Guess if we were like most people we’d have a savings, but all of that money has been going to Cobra for health insurance and we’ve totally exhausted that money now. We never really saved much but there for a while we were doing good, until we needed health insurance. things seem to be looking good for Dean to get hired soon, at least people are talking about it for once. Tomorrow’s Friday, only good things can happen on Fridays right?? I can be optimistic cant I?

What should be day four of my new job is being spent at home being sick and miserable w/ a fevered and sick toddler as well. All week long I’ve been wiping runny green mucus noses at work and then yesterday one little girl coughed so much she was throwing up her lunch. Then we took her temperature after she settled down and it was 102! Last night Caleb’s fever hit 102. It’s been better today but he’s not been himself. I feel horrible, the heaviness in my chest and coughing is unbearable. we fell asleep around 11 for an early nap since I just couldnt keep going anymore, and we’d been up since 6:30. I’m up but Caleb’s still napping. I know theres no way he’ll get an afternoon nap, but oh well, I feel a lot better after getting up. The pollen count is high today and it’s supposed to be nearing 80 degrees out. It would be a great day to get out and play except we already are having difficulties breathing and I am sure the increased pollen count and humidity wouldnt be too good for us. I am upset w/ myself for not going to work, but I dont get paid nearly enough to fuss w/ being sick myself and tending other sick kids all day. So here we are.

Been a lazy first week of work, and I like it that way. It would be fine if we werent paying for Caleb to be there full time when # he isnt there full time and # 2 I am with him the whole time. So its like I pay them to take him they pay me to work there and then my paycheck comes back w/ like a $1?? No not really, unfortunately wont get a paycheck til the week of the 20th, so we wont know if it’s financially doable or not till then which sucks because we could pay for these 3 weeks of Caleb going and then me not get paid enough to cover that or to cover just that. If I work 40 hours a week we’ll come out on the positive side but not by much, but I ‘m not working 40 hours and it doesnt seem like I will be. Oh well, for now it’s just a wait and see thing. Dean may be getting good news about getting hired on soon, so if we are patient all things could work out and I could be a stay at home mom again for a good long time. Then maybe talk of another baby will happen…ah my dreams, to be a stay at home mom of a clan of little Deaners! No really, my dream is to own a Christian coffee house that offers drop in childcare in the evenings and weekends so single parents, young parents, or even grandparents, well anyone, can come and enjoy fellowship, music, and of course all sorts of baked goods made by myself of course in my free time?! Big dreams I know, and maybe when we are old and our kids are out of the house we’ll have time and money to invest in it, as Dean has a similar dream as well. It’s always fun to dream big. Right now my immediate dream is to be able to financially afford and be comfortable as a stay at home preggo (it is a dream!) mom.

Despite my big dreams, I really am loving how things are right now, minus the horrific cold or flu we’ve got again. It’s just too bad it’s probably not going to work out. If only there was a way I could work part time, take Caleb with me, and still make a little money. I am sure there is, but dreamers aren’t neccessarily able to become doers or to see how to make the dreams possible. One thing I know I can do though is enjoy another stay at home day w/ my baby boy. He’s surely not a baby anymore. he’s gone potty a lot this week, even at the daycare. It’s easier for him there, since it’s a childsize potty and he can open the bathroom door on his own, if only he could take off his diaper and pants by himself. I think we’re going to have to get some pull ups today though, he fussed and threw a huge tantrum when it was time to get off the potty and put a diaper on. I had some cloth training pants I put on him and he was ok with that but no diaper. So time to move to the next step. I am so thrilled, my other dream is that he is potty trained before age 2, which at this point seems like a big reality. Not that its a dream, but that the fact will be he will be potty trained by the time he turns two. Sad how going potty can make a mommy so proud!

Well I better work on getting our lunch ready so when he wakes up he can eat. Hope everyone else is enjoying this nice weather!

This is parts of an email to a friend who wanted to know how my new job at the daycare was going(I am so tired I dont have the energy or words to put it all down for you again here so I am cheating!):

I still didn’t work a full 8 hours today, I worked 8:30-3:00. I talked to someone today who has been there a while and she was hired on full time, 40 hours, but she says she never gets more than 25-30 hours a week. I don’t know why anyone would put up with that, but she does. I’ve said something both today and yesterday to my boss that if I don’t get 40 hours or close to it then it’s not going to work and she keeps assuring me that this week is just different. But the story from the employees is that they never work the same schedule every day and barely work full shifts. I am going to try to hang in there in hopes that I will be getting a full shift soon, but Dean’s upset about it already. Me, I am just glad to be out of the house and doing something, and since I’ve been w/ Caleb both days it’s not too bad. I enjoy the job although it is very tiring on me. But I cant imagine how watching 6 toddlers isn’t!?

So much prayer is still needed that things begin to make more sense for us. It was a very clear, at the time, that this job was where I needed to be, everything fell in to place so quickly and only after constant prayer on my part. Now it seems it might not be exactly what we need right now, but it might just be too early to tell. I don’t like some of the things Caleb will be doing, as in just playing all day w/ no structure. And they barely feed them adequate meals and don’t offer substitutions if the child doesn’t eat. So Calebs only eaten anything for lunch both days because I have been in his room and offered him what I had for him in his diaper bag, but this is not what the center likes to do. They don’t want them to have any food from home. So if he didn’t eat other things today all he would have had for lunch was corn? And yesterday he didn’t eat their food at all. Everyone who works there says he will get used to the food there, but if its things he doesn’t like I don’t see how that will be possible, and he’s not a picky eater. And I don’t want my son to get used to not eating lunch, or a measly little amount of it.

Just a lot of little things like they don’t support potty training at his age, which I don’t think is right at all. I can see not encouraging it but not enforcing it in a child that is already in the process is not helpful at all to us or them when he at age3 isnt potty trained because we missed the window of opportunity.

I just don’t like how things will be for Caleb, especially at the price we are paying. Well now that I’ve typed it all out I’m tired just thinking about it, it’s been a stressful two days and I’m handling it well emotionally for once. Its just the physical drain right now is more than I thought it would be.

Other helpful info:
*I was hired on as a full time, 40 hour/week, but have not worked close to 6 hours a day considering they make me take a lunch break for one hour and 15 minutes
*I have been in Caleb’s room at the daycare these two days since that is where they were lacking staff
*I am phsyically drained of all energy at the end of every day and I havent worked full days yet
*In a positive note, the kids love me, one little boy, Noah is his name, cried both today and yesterday if I left a room and another litlte boy who is known for his screaming and fit throwing all day long every day was nothing but a perfect angel for me all day and he and Caleb truly loved being together all day which says lots for my ability as a mom and a teacher and says nothing for how good the care is at the center before I got there
*the staff doesnt want to go outside so we dont? Not sure how that fits into the teaching process cause I thought for sure outside play was an essential part of learning and growth for kids, guess only if the teachers that are there are motivated which most dont seem to be
*the boss is a scatterbrain and often makes mistakes, both firsthand I’ve experienced this already and have been told from others, although I like her some times and other times her fakeness drives me mad, and it’s only day 2
*having a child is expensive and parents that just leave kids here are horrible! I dont like to judge but if I was paying what these parents pay I would demand higher quality care and that the staff get treated well
*now that i’ve made it seem like this place is horrible, I’d like to point at that this is like most other daycare centers. Parents you just dont know what those teachers and aides go through to endure a job they love to do but dont get paid enough or even respected enough to do. It’s a job that requires lots of love, skill, motivation, knowledge, etc to do and it takes special people to make a good teacher or aide and there are lots out there, but it’s a job that goes unrewarded and the pay if not adequate based on the things one must endure, even if it is out of love for the children, it’s still hard and definitely worth a good paycheck, but sadly no one understands that. I would love to care for children all day and if I could afford to I’d help out single moms and offer low cost childcare out of my home, but it’s hard to pay the bills that way. It’s even harder to work in a childcare center and pay the bills, The center charges the parents ridiculous amounts of money per week and in return the teachers still get paid barely about minimum wage. God help all childcare workers and let their love for children and desire to serve outweigh their financial burdens. God help us all realize how special our children are and how important their well being is for us and our future.

I am thankful for my beautiful son and wonderful supportive husband and I hope they know how much they are loved and recognize the sacrifices being made to insure their happiness and well being.

You know you’re losing touch with someone when you find out they are getting married via there blog. I could cry but I’ve resigned myself to becoming selfish and will not let someone else destroy my positive week. I’ve learned from way too many failed friendships and sadly enough from my father’s lovely example of fatherhood, that you shouldnt expect much from people. Trust is not a given. With me it must be earned over and over again for me to believe that you are truly in it for the long haul. It’s sad when the one person you thought would always be there isnt anymore. I am coming to grips with the idea that I must not be a very good person to be friends with. I now have no close friends cept my hubby and am resigned to spend my girl chats w/ my mom. I dont mind that so much but it is a painful reminder how sad and pitiful I am at relationships. But like I said, why ruin a good week with negativity?

I am spending the day solo, which doesnt help me feel anymore alone than possible. I am actually enjoying it. Still in my jammies and it’s almost 4 pm. I’ve been doing laundry, dishes, baking cookies and watching Lifetime movies. Ah…it takes me back to lazy Sunday afternoons as a teen. But back then I’d have a girlfriend to hang out with.

Two more days to my first day of work. I dont know how its possible but I am excited and upset about it all at the same time. I am missing Calebs lots today as he’s out with Dean, but it might be good for him to get used to being away from me, and me from him. I think it will be lots harder for me though!

Well back to enjoying my lazy Saturday…