Everyday my kid’s amaze me. Each day they say or do things that surprise or shock me, that’s what being a parent is about! Zeke’s life started that way even, he was born early and spent the first week of his life in the NICU. Literally every day was new and amazing to us, and miraculous. He had some health issues and was unable to walk without the help of special orthotics and even then not until he was 15 months old. He has been diagnosed with hypotonia, which is general muscle weakness, and tires faster than his peers when doing similar activities. This will cause more problems as he ages and he already suffers from migraines and some developmental delays.
We knew he would always have trouble with sports and I’m always glad he’s interested in art instead. I was happy when he seemed to like swimming. At the beginning of the summer he was still at the point where he needed help and needed to be watched all of the time, and in fact two weeks ago the life guard jumped in thinking he needed saved! Although in Zeke’s defense I yelled that he was fine and she didn’t believe me!!
This past week Zeke did the unthinkable! He was able to swim without help, without stopping, more than half the length of the pool mostly underwater coming up for air when needed to pass the swim test so he could get a bracelet so he could go off the diving board at the community pool.
This is something Bo just learned to do last year, at age 5. Zeke surpassed this a whole year younger than Bo did, and Bo is the one who was riding a bike without training wheels at age three and typically does physically things with ease right away.
Granted Zeke gets tired easily after swimming so much, and will retreat to a lounge chair to rest after swimming for a while all on his own, but he loves to swim and I have overheard several kids older than Caleb say “that kid swims better than I do” Watch out world Zeke might be the next Phelps!!
I might be biased, but more than anything I am so excited that my little boy that usually struggles to just walk straight and pedal a bike, can swim better than other kids can!!! It might give him one thing to keep him in the game when it comes to having something to look forward to and/or being good at as he gets bigger.
For a long time I’ve tried to establish a policy that our home is always guest ready; meaning if anyone just stopped by they’d feel comfortable and I wouldn’t feel bad that the house wasn’t in good enough shape for company. When we were doing the “free” series” w/ church and our small group I was trying very hard to let go of what exactly that meant, so instead of having a perfect house all day every day that it would be ok to have dishes in the sink when folks came over. that worked for a little while til I got behind and felt like I couldnt keep up w/ the chores I let go of little by little by trying to get “free” thus making me feel more trapped in a mess than ever!
So where are things now you ask? I’ve stopped being so anal about things,although my house is probably still cleaner than most folks you know, but will never be as clean as my moms house or my house would be if I didn’t have 3 kids, a dog, and 2 men living here! A few days ago a friend did the unexpected, the thing I always wanted to be ready for, the dreaded “drop by” and hang out. Funny thing was because I do my best to keep things picked up every day and was pretty worn out myself and pretty well medicated (code name : relaxed -not as uptight as normal!) I was ok with it. We hung out and I let the dinner dishes sit, and sit, until Dean cleaned them up a few hours later!
Spent that evening chatting and hanging out and really just devoted that time to her as best I could w/ aforementioned number of folks living in our house currently being around and needing things!
Today we hung out some more and I did do a few chores but really considering my normal amount of Saturday chores I really didn’t do that much workwise, despite the fact she asked when I was going to stop moving, which I find funny since I find it hard to stop moving, cause if I do I will quickly fall asleep! 🙂
There’s come to be a few people who liken our house to their second home, and I’ll never understand it. When I am at home I often feel overwhelmed by loud kids and/or disrespectful kids, dirty clothes, lots of dirty dishes (again that happens when so many folks live in one house!), and a slew of other things that often make me think that it’s the last place I want to be. I often dream of the times, like now, although it’s only because it’s 2 am, when our home is clean, quiet and comfortably calm that I can truly relax. Meanwhile others have come to realize that for them coming to our home gives them that place of escape or comfort that they need some times.
I have always hoped that we would have a home that was welcoming and that our family would be known as one that loved on any and all who needed us whenever we needed to be there for them, but I guess I never really knew what that would look like.
I’d like to say that this last week or so I’ve gotten the chance to see a glimpse of just a small part of the dream that God put in my heart for us as a family being lived out, by simply being here and having an open door w/ a spare bed or couch, a pantry w/ a box of brownie mix to be made at the last minute, and children who love to welcome anyone into their hearts and home! Sometimes being around our kids can be the best birth control for folks who need the reminders that they aren’t ready for that right now, but sometimes, our kids can be the most loving and accepting lot of blessing God has placed in our life and those who grace the doors of this home. I apologize now if you happen to come on a day when the boys are throwing a tantrum or happen to be getting punished and aren’t on their best behavior, but if you give them a chance they will be there to open the door for you, roll out the red carpet, and hold your hand as they welcome you into the warmth and comfort that we call our home. It’s not all that exciting but what we lack in high def cable tv and electronic devices we more than make up for with our wit and sarcastic humor (and the boys can even put on a really good show, either musical or something staged from a power rangers episode are their strengths) and ability to make a mean pan of brownies. So yeah, while they may drive me nuts, I’m really proud of this clan of McKenzies that I live with for being there for not only me but for our friends when they need us.
Thanks Dean for not getting overwhelmed by the abnormal flux of estrogen, and putting up with us few extra gals now and then, although I know it made us all a little feistier when you put us all together, just be glad we had 3 boys instead of 3 girls!
Posted inGeneral|Comments Off on Lay out the red carpet
After years of waiting for the time to come and now months of uncertainty if now was the time or not, I have given it all up to God. In the past when I’ve made such grand plans on my own, I’d end up pregnant, but there’s no risk of that this time, although it is with some sadness that I know I am truly done w/ my baby days. Last week I applied online to CCU. I just painlessly completed m y FAFSA online as well. Next I’m going to write an essay in hopes of winning 54 free credit hours for a contest from STAR 93.3. Zeke is enrolled in pre-K from 8-11 in the fall so I can attend evening class, do homework in the mornings, rest if I want and see what comes next. School means more debt but I know that in the long run this is what’s next for me. I eventually hope to pursue more technical training but I’m still really better at this admin. stuff I was trained for in high school, and I love organizing events so I think for now this is the road I’m taking. I’m also thrilled at just the idea of being in a classroom again, I am a student by nature so I know lots will think I am nuts but I can’t wait to get back to learning!! I’m currently serving Wed mornings at the healing center and Fridays in small groups. With Zeke’s schedule I might be able to get up and out and even serve a few more mornings if I drop them off at 8 and head straight to church. But we’ll see how things go! I’m hopeful but also scared.
Next week rehearsals start for Joseph and the Amazing technicolor Dreamcoat. I stood up a few weeks ago and took a chance on myself and the gift of singing God gave me and I survived the audition and was cast. Now I get to do something fun and creative, with my son even!
I may be getting older each year but I also know that with each year comes more freedom, more freedom to be me. I’m not the child I used to be, who sadly learned that there were a lot of negative judgmental folks in my community and stopped caring about my own happiness but rather about how others felt/thought. I am glad that I can show my kids how loving and caring and kind people can be, and better yet that I get a chance to be able to re-learn what it’s like to do something well and be applauded for it instead of laughed at and mocked just because someone else was mean.
So many changes in our lives these last few years, and more to come. There may not be any more babies in our future, but I am enjoying these milestones we get to celebrate as a family. Boaz’s learning to write and read. Zeke finally being interested in writing and wanting to learn how to read. Caleb’s voice is growing more confident and powerful w/ every practice and every show he performs. He starts working on his next show on Monday w/ Tri-County players then next Sunday we both start Joseph rehearsals. He’s learning so much about acting, and some technical things as well. I’m preparing to not just be a “stage mom” but to be on stage. I will no longer just be taking my kids to school but will take myself too! No more always helping Faisal with his homework, I’ll have some of my own! Dean’s well on his way as well to big things. He had his film debut at the movie screening last week, was also in some shooting for another friend’s movie, and was part of a great improv performance last week as well with more to come this month!
We’re all changing and growing. The moral of the story: I guess you can teach old dogs new tricks! 🙂
means many things to so many! I feel like a maid, a short order cook, ,a laundry service, nurse, a chauffeur, a teacher, a coach, referee and sometimes I get to be a good artist, event planner, tour guide(whether it’s through the zoo, museum or just the vegetable section of Kroger), and counselor.
Lately I’ve been trying to be a good wife, mother, daughter and friend. For years I’ve given up on my “dreams” and given my all to being all of the things above and sometimes it’s priceless, some days I would willingly go to a “real” job to earn a measly salary just to feel appreciated or as though I did something worthwhile! Yesterday Boaz, our middle son, went to a kindergarten transition event with his current preschool teacher. Next school year he will join his big brother in attending elementary school from 8am-2:40pm. Zeke will move on to afternoon preschool which means he’ll be away from me 12:20pm-3p.m. I dare say there will be 4 days a week (Zeke had school Mon-Thursday afternoons and Fridays is off) with a few hours all to myself. It wont be quite enough time to do too much, but I have a feeling I can fit a good amount of laundry, grocery shopping, and maybe even a nap every now and then. OR a good bike ride, walk, or dare I dream a movie all by myself in the middle of the day!! or a quiet time to read a book that doesn’t have pictures!!
I’ve been dreaming even bigger, cause it’s fun once you start it! Even more exciting is after the 10-11 school year all three boys will be in school from 8am-2:40pm. Leaving me quite a few hours to myself, plenty of time to do whatever I want. But the problem is how do I use that time most wisely, to enable me to be free from chores/demands to spend that after 2:40pm time to give to the boys alone! To enable me to be able to exercise, get healthy and stay healthy for once! To have days I can volunteer at church without worrying about needing childcare concerns!
In 1998 I became a wife. In 2001 I became a mom. I am scared to question or even dream too much for fear of what it will mean but in 2011 I will be a stay at home mom to 3 boys who are all in school all day, and well that leaves me without a job from 8-2pm right?? I dont think so. I think if anything this will be the time for me to take care of figuring out who I am. Who I want to be in this next stage of my life. To not just being a wife or a mother. I do countless meaningless tasks a day, but I also do countless very meaningful things to help my boys grow up to achieve great things with the gifts God has given them.
I am currently also doing things that are affecting not even just my kids or their future generations but that of others as well, it’s a long story but God has gifted us with a very full home and despite what could be chaos there has been great joy and rejoicing at becoming more than just what we thought we could have, we are now able to reach other and touch others lives, in practical ways. to love people that we never dreamed would be in our lives. I am struggling a lot, not with being overwhelmed with too much work but with loving too many people and doing my best to help them in any way I can. I’m at the end of my own usefulness. Something needs to give, and I think the last few months as I’ve prayed for God to guide me to the next phase of my life and to prepare me for what that might look like, that He has showed me that He has more for me than I could have ever dreamed. and also He’s daily reminding me that I have all the skills I need for the job he’s requiring me to do right now. I’ve got time left still before I get to start working on those dreams I’ve been dreaming, and so for now I’m focusing on what’s in front of me. I’m blessed to have so many opportunities to use the gifts He’s given me, not just to be a mom to my own boys or a wife to my husband, but to be so many things to so many people. I have found great joy in being able to share what I have with others, but I also am hurting because I know that there are needs I can’t supply for some that are hurting, wounds I can’t dare to even think I could ease on my own.
So on this Mother’s day as I am surrounded by the 3 wonderful boys that God has blessed me with, and a niece who chooses to bless me with her presence in our life, and an amazing young man from a world so foreign to me that I can’t dare imagine what he thinks of us other than he has been so joyous and appreciative and tells us he wants to stay here as long as he can, that I know that all of us in this house together is truly a divine plan. There’s nothing special about this McKenzie home, this McKenzie family, but our door is open and we do our best to love unconditionally and give what we can to those that need if we can. On this Mother’s day I am grateful to be a “mom” and so much more, but more than anything I am happy to have a home big enough to fill so that there’s always room to spread more love and joy to others, even if sometimes it’s hard and sometimes it seems crazy, but it’s our life and I wouldn’t exchange it for anything.
On this Mother’s day I thank my Heavenly Father for blessing me w/ so many “children” in my home, because he has heard my hearts desires and blessed us in ways I never thought he could. I also thank my wonderful hubby for loving me and choosing to stick with me and for being the man who helped created these precious boys who amaze us daily with their gifts/talents. I also thank him for allowing me to give up on those dreams, and to enable me to stay home and be “just a mom” for all these years and working to make sure we are always financially able to make things work despite not having 2 incomes. I also want to thank him for allowing me to dream for our future, to allow me to dream about going back to school one day and supporting me in the decision to not go back to work just because soon all our boys will be in school. But most of all I want to thank Dean for being such an amazing father and husband, for being Abu Caleb, we prayed and dreamed for a child for what seemed like forever and then one day were blessed with not just one but 3 boys. I know we both have hearts big enough to love so many more children but know my body wasnt meant to physically mother more children. I thank him for sticking through it good bad healthy and unhealthy and for doing it all just because when we were young, foolish and in love he choose me! If he hadn’t I wouldn’t be the mother I am today! so on this mother’s day I thank the best father I know on this earth, my husband! I love you and am so glad our family is what it is today and am excited for the dreams we can have and still hope for our future!
I anxiously awaited our trip to MD to visit family and friends. I was most excited of course to get to spend some time with my best friend, whom I love like a sister. Our kids are evenly spaced and we each have 3 so what may have been a catastrophic week of 6 kids and 4 adults under the same roof for one week surprisingly went well. The kids loved being together and the adults of course enjoyed the added freedom that having a few more hands around to help out! We spent some time on Easter visiting family and we hoped to return again to visit those folks later in the week we would be there. But as the week went on we got sick, at one point at least one of our kids or one of Susan’s had a fever but were still healthy enough to play but not to visit elderly or unhealthy relatives so we hung around together sharing the germs! So we didnt get to get in all the visiting we had wished while we were there but it was a pleasant trip and a nice break from reality.
We headed back home on Saturday so we’d have time to go to church on Sunday and Caleb could attend rehearsal for “Annie”. I was so glad to get back to normal and was glad the kids were going to school on Monday. Then came Monday night….Caleb was sick and Bo awoke Tuesday sick. A drs appointment revealed they had strep! So they stayed home from school a few more days and luckily I was the only other one of us to get it, and on Friday I was at the dr praying I’d get an antibiotic too, and I did! What I had looked forward to as our first week back to a normal schedule was filled with disappointment and lots of whining, kids and finally myself included!
So I was hopeful that as long as Dean and Zeke stayed healthy that this week would be a normal week for us, which means busyness and doctors appointments! Last night after going over our bills and accrued medical debts we made the tough choice of pulling Zeke out of physical therapy, which will save us $180 a month in copays and a great deal in gas. Not to mention would mean less driving around for me which tends to make me fatigue easier.
We also made the choice of not getting Kings Island passes, something we have been planning to do for months. I just couldn’t justify spending $400+ on leisure while there were so many things that need to be paid, even if it’s mostly just medical bills. The kids will be unhappy but we are hoping that making the right financial decisions now will make the next few months easier!
I’m in a bad place health-wise and am losing hope for how to get healthy again. I have an appointment today with my foot dr, and I am sadly going to have to tell him we cant do physical therapy right now and I don’t even know if it would matter. I’m in a lot of pain in my foot still, which the surgery was supposed to have fixed. We are canceling our Y membership, cutting whatever we dont need to make ends meet. We have some money set aside to buy a bike for me and hope that doing family bike rides and using the wii fit and other free exercises at home will help but it’s hard when I’m in constant pain. I am losing weight though, but that’s because of other new symptoms that are causing me not to eat much of anything. I cant decide if I’m not eating because I’m sick or I’m sick because I’m not eating. Either way it’s a fast weight lose method, but isnt helping w/ the fatigue!
Lots going on in this mind of mine, and by the time Dean and I get time to settle down and have a serious talk its after or close to midnight and I’m too tired to have the conversations that I need to have right now. I am looking at my future and trying to figure out what I want and ideally what I can even expect with not knowing how healthy I will be. I have been trying to dream, to think about what I want if money and health weren’t an issue and that is fun, but then I wake up from the dream to the truth, and it hurts. In more ways than one.
I was grateful to have gotten the goal of our trip to MD accomplished, to visit grandparents and my dad before one or more of them leave this world and glad my kids got to as well. I was more grateful for the gift of true friendship and being able to return home, to OH, and know that we have built something here that is worth trying harder to keep and that I need to give others more a chance to fill the hole in my heart that not having Susan around all the time has left! I came home with a desire to be more open and giving to others and was looking forward to finding time in my schedule to make time for me and developing new friendships, but then of course reality sucks and when your sick you dont want to be with others and mostly I havent even had time or energy for Dean let alone anyone else. So it’s a process, and I’m determined to be more open and try more, cause there might be another gal out there who can be my Susan to me here. Although I’m glad that even just a phone call can bring her back to me! And that no matter when we get together it’s just as easy as if I was with her the day before!
So I’m going to stop expecting much of what’s left of this week, and just focus on paying more attention to the details of whats right in front of me, and occasionally I hope I can take the time to dream and realize what the next few years will hold for me as I get closer and closer to having all three kids in school all day! Until then, I will just fight to get myself up out of bed and make it where we need to today and pray 5:00 comes quickly.
Posted inGeneral|Comments Off on Back to life, back to reality
During the last 6 weeks our church and our small group has been on a journey toward getting Free. (the guide book states this: this is an interactive guide to discovering at least one thing that’s holding you back from the free, full life God intends for you.) It’s a lot of soul searching, praying, and dreaming about what your life could be like if you simply let go and let God. Some weeks I felt really good about the things I did that week in my guide book, some weeks just emotionally and spiritually kicked my butt!
Slowly but surely I was doing things I had never done before, letting go of control of the housework and instead investing more time into my kids and myself. Sure I always do things w/ the kids, but I had set standards about how the house needed to look before daddy got home from work and would at least want a plan set for what was for dinner if dinner want already cooking by the time he got home. Dean frequently commented though that our didn’t feel lived in. While what I would want after coming home from being gone all day was a clean house, a good meal and happy kids, well was not what Dean necessarily wanted or needed when he came home. Especially if it meant I was too tired, sick or unhappy to do anything for the rest of the day because of it!
I’ve always been good about playing w/ the kids (when my health allows for it) but sometimes I would let my “work” take priority over their work which of course is simply playing! So once I realized that I could instead spend all day playing and still have a loving happy home (if not more so) at the end of the day I was much more able to let go.
Not to say that right now my house isn’t drop by visitor ready, which is a standard I try to keep no matter what(for the sake of always having an open door/hospitality type attitude), it’s just that what that means isn’t the same to me as what it used to be. There can now be dishes in the sink, toys on the floor, backpacks wherever….and I can still feel like I’m a good mom and homemaker if someone drops by unexpectedly or even planned!
While I thought that this was what my freedom journey was about, since it was really doing a great thing for all of us and the stress level in our home, the truth is behind it all there was even more going on!! (imagine that, you go open the suitcase, put away and deal w/ the first set of clothes only to find more things that need handled and put away!)
I’ve been blessed to have the chance to have a relationship with my niece that is something I can’t explain even. She stays with us frequently and we all love her dearly. Lately that has turned into just weekends to more lengthy stays. Which has meant that rules needed to be put in place, because she’s no longer just a “guest” she’s more a family member. What used to be passable as Laura can do that or this because she’s older or because she can decide for herself or because we’re not her parents….has turned into well really if you are going to be here this much you need to really bear the burden a little more and be treated as equally as the other kids are and not get “freebies” when it comes to discipline or helping out. But that’s a hard place to be in, for any one let alone a tween. Or even more so the adult who has to have that conversation with said tween!
But by the grace of God, I’ve been in similar shoes as our dear LG, the youngest daughter living with mom and step dad who also needs to deal w/ bio dad as well. I spend my days being open to LG and listen and encourage and share my heart and my story with her in hopes that as she sees my freedom from the hurt that my youth caused me that she can dream and hope for healing for her broken heart as well! Today we had what I thought was a good conversation and I was glad that even though we’ve had to have some tough “do your school work, be the good example as the oldest kid, and the like” talks that she was still able to be open to sharing her heart w/ me.
This afternoon as I drove to the doctor alone I prayed for my kids, my family, and for LG in particular. I prayed for my upcoming trip during which I’ll be spending some time w/ my dad, who is finally interested in being a part of my life, after years of relentless trying on my part to get him to be. During which time I realized that my heart even after all these years is still yearning for one thing : to be loved and embraced by my Father (my bio one) but instead all I’ve ever felt was alone and rejected. (for those following along w/ the Free series, check out the Yellow part!!) As I was praying this in the van with tears running down my face, Bo’s second favorite song, “I am Free” was playing on the radio at that exact moment! I was able to see not only have I been able to help Laura along her journey but she’s helped me get to the end of my Free journey too, from one hurt little girl to another we’re walking this walk together. she’ll be with me next week some as I see my family, and at first I didnt understand why she wanted to, but I think what’s been happening as we’ve talked and the trip has come closer she’s heard me share my heart and tell her about my fears, hurts, and expectations, uncertainties for seeing my dad next week and I think she wants to see how it ends. I’m not sure what I’m expecting but I know that I know something now that I didnt know when I was Laura’s age, that sometimes God’s timing is not the same as ours. that when I was her age I prayed for my dad to want to be a part of my life, I prayed for my family to be healed, to be complete, for there to be love in our home, The irony is just like LG I had a step dad who was a part of my life, and that sometimes we have what we need when we need it, even if it hurts us or we don’t want it that way. Sometimes we think never seeing an answer to our prayers is God’s way of saying no or rejecting us, but maybe He is just working on it but it might take a lot longer than we want it to!
I’m sitting on the couch in my not clean living room, as my boys sleep upstairs with their dirty laundry filling the floors, a tween girl sits across from me on the love seat, her cute shoes strewn on the floor, as she sits curled up with a book and cup of hot tea. I imagine it’s not something many moms get the joy of experiencing, these moments of content and peace. Knowing that today I was loved and loved, that I have the rare joy of spending hours just listening to the longings of my kids (and even other peoples kids) and this is my mission, for today.
To enjoy my freedom and encourage it in others. Are you free yet??
