Niederman’s Farm

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Last week Zeke and I went to Niederman’s farm with his preschool, that place rocks! The best part about his new preschool is that all field trip costs are included in the cost of his preschool tuition. This means we incurred no additional fees to our monthly charges although there were three field trips this month! This amazes me and I am so glad we found this place!!!

Zeke’s two favorite things in the whole world to do are play with water and dirt.  If he can’t put them together, he is more than happy then play with them separately.   So this place has water for him to play with and a huge mound of dirt too.   I mean huge.  I don’t have the pic available at the moment to add to show that but here’s one that shows him enjoying one of his daily activities, playing in dirt.   I don’t IMG_4437know if the boy is meant to be a landscaper, geologist or just likes to feel the dirt beneath his fingers for some other strange reason, but I do know by the time we got home not only was he completely covered head to toe in several layers of dirt I was and so was our expensive camera!

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take notice world -good bye to facebook

Adios Facebook, for good. Sorry folks. It’s been grand but I said it a long time ago, this is not how life works. Real life should never be replaced by mediocrity and allowing relationships to happen at more than an arms length keeps us from growing in those relationships. It also gives room for excuses, and I don’t have room in my life for false friends. I also won’t pretend to be one. Sorry if that hurts your feelings. Get off the computer and call me if it matters that much, or better yet show up and do life together. You’ll begin to see you’re missing a lot. I’m not perfect. I admit that. I make mistakes. A lot of them. I apologize to my husband and kids daily. I am not afraid to admit I am a failure sometimes. If God accepts me as I am, why can’t we be willing to accept one another?

I also know that if I’m not perfect, than chances are you are not either. We’re not supposed to do life alone. I’m willing to live my life with others, in community. I’m not willing to put myself out there and continue to be abused, hurt and used over and over again, been there done that. I will tolerate it no more. So if you’re in it for more than your own ambitions, and are serious about this thing called friendship and truly loving one another simply because God tells us to then show up and we’ll do our best to honestly do this thing called life. If not, just stop pretending already. My heart can’t take any more heart break. Nor will I let you even get close enough to try. I’m hurting yes, and I admit that. Maybe I’m too needy for you, than fine. But one thing I am not, is weak. I am strong enough to stand up to you, the wrongs you have done and the wrongs you might do. So world I’m warning you now, I’m not lying down and getting stepped on again. This gals back up and fighting for her right to be free from this pain and I am on the prowl for a few honest, authentic friends to stand by my side. I wont find them on facebook though, so while I’m out in the real world, have fun playing at your social networking “game” while I’m doing the real work of networking. Think about it!

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Happy 25th!

Well I know my last post may have seemed a little anti-VCC but really it wasn’t about that.  It was more anti-other things, people really! 🙂 And what better way to redeem myself than with a Happy Birthday Vineyard Community Church post!

Today was all about celebrating our church and what it’s meant to so many people for the last 25 years.   I was actually kind of bummed our founding pastor wasn’t there, but I get it, he’s moved on and so have we.   But it felt kind of like being a kid who’s dad doesn’t show up to their birthday party, and well I know that feeling all too well, so maybe that’s why it was so important to me in the first place.   But anyway…..

Thought it would be cool to share what VCC’s meant to me, and our family as we’ve been a part of it for the last 10 years or so.   Newly married, and having turned our back on the big “C” church due to some bad experiences, Dean and I had just stopped going to church altogether.  We hadn’t really given up on God, more on the people in the church itself.   A strange thing kept happening, we kept going to the store or just out in general and we’d get served!

The most memorable for me was at the Kroger in Loveland, near our apartment, when we got handed mini candy canes with outreach cards.   At some point, Dean and I knew we needed to get back into church.   We hadn’t been married long but already were having trouble getting pregnant and my health even then, at the age of 19 was causing significant problems on my work.   Eventually, after getting handed enough outreach cards and saying what’s up with these people, we thought it wouldn’t hurt to just go once.   Boy were we wrong.   Our lives were never the same again.

I got baptized at that Vineyard in 1999, by my husband.   I remember sitting in the service feeling my baby boy kicking and hearing messages about Abraham and Sarah.   Those were the things that got me through those times, young and unsure of our future we knew we needed something more than we could offer one another.  Our first servant roles were on hospitality, we made coffee together!   Ironically, we also had jobs off campus at King of Prussia mall at a coffee shop the semester we attended a bible college which had turned our whole outlook on church sour.   So it was almost as if we were able to do something good with our skills whereas before we really had used the job as an excuse to get off campus as much as possible, although there were no frappes or mochas served on Sunday mornings at VCC!   But there were at Barney’s at the mall on Sunday mornings!

Back to the point, we had an amazing small group that year when we were pregnant.   Saw some of them in passing today and wished our kids knew each other, knowing that back then we were the first to get pregnant.  Knowing that one of those couples thought they’d be unable to have children is now pregnant with their 5th child.  Our God is amazing.   Did we know all those years ago that when we were struggling with those issues we were then that He’d bring us to where we are today, no way!?   I remember struggling as a bunch of young adults to find the right words to encourage one another.   I remember the sadness in having to leave it all behind to start over again  in the fall of 2001 when we moved back to MD for Dean’s work.

When we moved back to Cincy, in time for Christmas 2006, we thought we would try other churches out at first.  We knew what the Vineyard was like but we had found a smaller church in MD and wondered if we could find something like it here as well.  We tried a few places, but we also occasionally stopped by VCC since it was kid friendly and we felt so comfortable there.  Around the time we started to come back weekly they had started talking about the Luke 4 initiative, and it felt like we were being called not just to be in Cincy again for Dean’s employment, but to be a part of what VCC was up to.

We eventually got back into the swing of our roles on the tech team, which is a little harder to manage with three kids as before we did it when it was just Dean and I.  Before this point, I had stopped serving on tech team right before Caleb’s birth and then right after we moved to Maryland.   I immediately realized how much I missed it and loved being a part of the community and having something “adult” to do!   We found our way into small groups some times.   I served in childcare for awhile.   I helped out with the moms ministry for a short time.  There are weeks I think I am here as much as other staff members!   I think I’ve done a little bit of everything around the Vineyard as far as serving goes, and after today I can say I even have ushered!   I liked it far more than I would have thought as well.  I hate when that happens!  🙂

I’m not trying to boast of my serving, more than anything, I think I want to make a point for those of you who aren’t serving or who still think a mega church wouldnt work for them.   We attended a huge event today, 6000 or so people were there.   The chances of seeing someone you know, well I’m not into the stats on that kind of thing, but I can honestly say I could name at least 50 (really not sure a true number but seriously I was so thirsty by the time I finally got to my seat 10:45 this morning for chatting with all of you!) people I know, more than just  by name.   This doesn’t happen when you go to church and find your seat and leave.  This happens when you live your life with other people.    When you say more then hello and good bye.  When you ask them how their day is going and really listen and really give honest answers and expect them!  More importantly, when you are available.  Available to serve. Available to listen.  Available to make a phone call.  Available to write a letter.  Available to send an email.   Available to care about someone else.  Available to see a need and do something about it.

25 years ago Steve had a vision and he could have chosen to sit down and write a book and be done with it.  His book could have helped others fulfill their visions.   Instead he was available, willing and able to step out in faith alongside a handful of others in his community, his friends, to do something others might have thought impossible.   Thanks to Steve’s big dreams and God’s providence I am able to serve alongside some of the most creative, gifted, smart, talented and kindest people I’ve ever met.

25 years ago I was praying for children we didn’t know if we’d ever be able to have, myself, as well as were those other couples in my small group.    Today our children, and one of those other couples( a 3rd couple attends another local Vineyard plant!)attend Discoveryland services and get loved on by some amazing folks because Steve fulfilled God’s plan for that season of his life.   We didn’t know back then that the decisions they were making were for the lives of the children we were so earnestly praying for God to provide to us.

Thanks to Dave, Steve, Dana and all those other founders who did the hard work so we can see the fulfillment of your vision today.   Thanks for all of those who currently serve to uphold the values that Vineyard holds so dear.  For those who don’t yet serve but have been wondering where you fit into this ragtag collection of folks, coffee’s a good place to start!   It smells good, some say it tastes good(sorry I prefer tea!), and it makes grouchy people happy!  You really can’t go wrong- unless you choose not to serve!   🙂

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I want out!!

Our church has bumper stickers/car decals for those who choose to become members, or shareholders as we them. They say: IN. As in, ALL IN.

i-want-out-tnI want one that says I want out! NOW!
Not for the church per se, but out of this mess we call life. Out of this battle for whatever it is that’s going on in my life.

When talking of the church I was raised in, I will often talk of how toxic it was. Recently I’ve realized there were positives about it. Gasp! I know the horror! The one thing I am ever so grateful for, is that they instilled in me the very real fear and acceptance that spiritual warfare is real; that the devil is a real enemy and how I can battle against him. I love the Frank Perretti books, I even believe,and some Christians may spam may for saying so, they may have opened my eyes to science fiction! They also opened my eyes to the reality that faith can be blind. Just because I don’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there. There is a very real enemy in my life, today and every day.

He does “prowl around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” (1 Peter 5:8.) In fact that was one of the earliest scriptures I ever recall remembering. Lately he’s been deciding to just show up in not just the subtle ways as he used to. Years ago I started laughing as things went from bad to darn right ridiculous as life threw us one obstacle after another. We’re past that point now. There’s no laughter anymore. I am amazed some days that there are any tears left to cry. Some days I will find myself heaving big sighs out of no where, just because my body is so stressed to capacity.

Last night I finished week 5 of my first CCU class. On my way to class I had a great phone conversation with my dad, he actually called me. He called just to talk, nothing was wrong and had nothing he needed. On the way home I talked to my mom and shared my joy about being finished and having an A so far in the class. I got home and shared all of those joys with my husband. Then of course, as it happens, the ball drops. As is normal, I can’t share details. But I handled another phone call, that was completely unexpected at that time, which blew me from cloud 9 right back down to the basement where I’d been living the last few weeks in despair.

I am strong woman. God gave me an enormous amount of gifts, but it seems He also has found that I learn best through testing and trials. “The strongest steel is produced from the hottest fire” (Andy Andrews, Mastering the seven decisions 168) Lucky me.

I’ve spent the morning processing this new situation, seeking wisdom from friends, and praying. But I’ve also been baking brownies for an event at church tonight and taking care of my son. Life goes on. I can’t stop living because life happens.

I’m a weary traveler on this journey and while I feel weak, somehow the forces at work still think I’m strong enough to fight for and keep sending more my way. I say I want out, and while at times it’s true, I know that I’ll look back one day and be amazed at how little and insignificant these trials seemed in light of everything else, although for now these are the biggest I’ve ever faced. (not that I need that to be challenged right now, I really am done right now, seriously, you should have heard my dear Husband’s choice words to the Man himself last night! We all have our breaking point. While I feel like I am there, I keep going. Somehow I get up and keep going. I don’t know how, and only by God’s grace and providence will I get by. So if I look a little worn for the wear or even turn down your invitation for something, know that while I would love something positive right now and normal, right now I need to take comfort in home and being with my family as much as possible. Praying for continued comfort and peace throughout this time of uncertainty in our lives, and courage to keep on standing firm for what we believe even when it gets difficult.

“Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves. Therefore be wise as serpents and harmless as doves… [W]hen they deliver you up, do not worry about how or what you should speak. For it will be given to you in that hour what you should speak; for it is not you who speak, but the Spirit of your Father who speaks in you.” Matthew 10:16, 19-20

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It was worth it

We are so blessed to be in the community we are right now for so many reasons. This weekend one of our pastors, Joe, amazed me as he poured out blessings for his friends and family in a way that truly inspired and awed me. This evening, after enjoying time with our small group, I was reading our pastor’s blog and was led to Helen’s blog and this is my response to her post. It was too long to put as a comment on her post not to mention it was worth sharing here!

I can relate to your story in that I don’t have the “amazing grace” salvation story either. I can completely understand your explanation of rules and how it still affects your thoughts and actions now based on the church I grew up in myself. I didn’t know there was any other way until I was too old to realize it was too late and I’ve spent much of the last 10 years re-teaching my brain how to react others, situations, and pretty much all of life in general; and praying I can somehow be finally free of the bondage that growing up in what I now know was a toxic environment.

I think what’s true for all of us,is that no matter where we are or what we’ve been through we all can have the same hope in the same God, who has the power to save us from ourselves and our past(whether it’s our own sin filled actions or that of sins done upon us) if we are willing to just let him. I used to think that my salvation story wasn’t really as big a deal as someone with a “Conversion” testimony, but I think I’ve come to realize that I’ve had an equally as compelling transformation in my life.

I now am free to love others unconditionally. I am free to say no. I am free from the bonds that kept me in fear of being rejected by others. I am free to make my own choices, without worrying about what others will think. I am free to raise my hands in church because I want to not because it’s expected of me. I am free to dress how I want to when I attend church. I am free to invite others to church because I know it’s a safe place to bring others. I am free to share my struggles and doubts, because being authentic is valued. I am free to question my faith, because it’s safe to do so.

I may not have been addicted to drugs or alcohol or even been a rebellious teenager(okay,maybe I was a little bit) but I was still a sinner. I was still a slave to the devil. I was not a child of the King. I was not a soldier in the Lord’s army; not yet anyway. As soon as I made that choice to leave behind my past and follow Jesus, I was able to be free from the rules that had been ingrained in my heart and mind that left me joyless. I was then able to see that I could instead live a life of freedom in Christ which brought me joy and peace.

sometimes it’s all about the perspective we have about things. We can look at our past and use it as an excuse for everything in our lives; or we can decide to look at our past and say I’m so glad I had that happen so that I can now be able to use it to help me through this…or to do this….

I think for me being able to see my transformation story as something amazing helped me realize that I was just as needy and worthy as the next guy who had that radical life shattering conversion.

This is my squirrel moment, sorry!

This weekend we were on tech team, and it was baptism weekend. I love baptism weekend. Tech team weekend for us means we have to be at all 4 services. This means we get to see all of the baptisms which is really cool! Today as I watched I kept being reminded of my own baptism. I got baptized here, at VCC. In that same baptismal pool. In the church I grew up in they tried very hard to convince me to get baptized, but I was stubborn and had decided that I was not going to do it just because my friends were. To me it was not one of those things you do just because everyone else does, it should be a personal decision, not one you get pushed into doing. I stood my ground and didn’t get baptized then or ever as part of that church. In fact I didn’t get baptized until I was married, and I was blessed to have my husband be the one baptizing me, as is the VCC way if you so choose. Today I am grateful that I am free to be here, free to make the choices that led me here and free that even all those years ago I made the right choices so that today I could remember that day when I had my special baptism weekend when someone up in the tech team booth who didn’t even know who were were yet watched us and had no clue that one day we’d be in their seats. I watched those folks getting baptized and wondered what their story would like and what brought them to this day.

The point of my rambling? Your past is important. All of it. You might feel like you had a crappy childhood. You might regret the life you led for x amt of years. You might wish you choose a different path in life: career or family. All of the choices you make affect your future. All of them. I am so glad that choices I made even out of rebellion as a teenager to not get baptized, were used by God to be a blessing to my marriage and spiritual journey. I know that choices I made today to seek you out will one day come back to have meant something more. I may not know why, but there will have been a reason.

Because my God is a big God who cares about the details.

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True Confessions

• I am not the person I once was.
• I can make a difference in the world.
• I can make a difference in my community.
• I can change my future.
• I am stronger than I was yesterday, last week, last year, 5 years ago and surely than I was 10 years ago.
• I am loved.
• I am cherished.
• I am not alone.
• I am not perfect and it doesn’t matter because God gave me all the skills and tools I need to complete what I need to do today and every day, especially when I am asking for and relying on His guidance and strength.
• Words can hurt me.
• Words can hurt others.
• I can’t control what others say or do.
• I can control my attitude.
• I can control my reaction to my circumstances even though I can’t control my circumstances or even the events leading up to how I got to that point.
• Tomorrow is a new day, pregnant with new opportunities’ to learn new things and to serve others, but it is not a given.
• I must focus on today’s challenges and take advantage of all the open doors and people I can love and serve in case I don’t get the chance to face a new tomorrow.
• I am not superwoman, my physical weaknesses are there to remind me to take a break and renew my mind and spirit. Take advantage of this time!!

These are things I have learned and am continuing to learn but also that I need to remember. This past week we have had to experience something that no one should ever have to. The details are unimportant at this point. What matters to me now is how I cope with the hurt that was done to me. Words were spoken to me that caused me to be betrayed and even afraid. You may think that that sounds trivial, they were just words. I keep trying to wish away the memories and the feelings I had at that moment and the days after word that those words caused, and I can’t.
A person I cared for deeply, someone I took into my home and loved betrayed me in a very big way. I used to tell him when he did or said something wrong, “Faisal you disappointed me” This was something far more than that. Because of this, Faisal has since been deported and is on his way home to Saudi Arabia.
So while I am coping with the hurt that was done to me, we as a family are grieving the loss of our brother. Our house is missing our dearest Faisal. I keep expecting him to walk through the door. Despite the incredible pain I am bearing, I still love him and wish things could have been different. Our children will miss their “big brother” who played soccer with them. I will miss the one person who always complimented my cooking. I will miss the sounds of his language as he tried to teach us how to speak it. I will miss the smell of him in the hallway. I will miss his smile. I will miss our conversations about his family, my family, about our day and just getting to know each other or everyday things.
He touched our lives as we touched his; we know that we made an impact on him just by some of the words he spoke to me on that day. I believe that some of those things he said did bear the truth, sadly those very words were part of what ended up hurting me the most later.
I don’t know why we are enduring this pain at this season in our life, but we know that God has been with us throughout it and will continue to work in us. We also are praying that the seeds we planted in Faisal will not go untended even though he is no longer with us. He made a mistake and I am going to do my best to try to find it in my heart to work through the process of forgiving him and moving on.
It seems like I had just finally started opening up and been more willing to trust people to have access to my heart and now I feel like this betrayal is going to make it even harder for me to do so again. But I also know that our God is a healer and He can heal my broken heart so please be patient with me as I work through this grieving process and try to work on learning to trust others again as I have been betrayed in an unimaginable way.
So please forgive me if you see me and I’m teary or may not be very talkative, I am trying to do my best to not let him take away any more from me, but this has been hard for me.
I also apologize as I’ve heard that my previous Facebook updates made you all worry about me, I did not intend to. I was just venting some of the pain and trying to process some of the things but it was very hard to do so and filter my words at the same time. In the future I think I will just not update at all during these kinds of situations. We do appreciate your concern, but know that we are now ok and that I am sorry if even now you don’t completely understand the situation.

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School Supplies??

So I thought I was being smart, and bought a pack of crayons, markers, colored pencils and the like for each of the kids thinking they’d each need at least some of those supplies. Turns out no, looks like instead I should be buying cleaning supplies instead. Since when did we stop buying school supplies at the beginning of the year and start buying home supplies?? I only really care because a pack of pencils is in my budget, a pack of clorox wipes not so much. Let alone a pack of dry erase markers or ziploc bags for each kids class. I don’t get it really. Feel free to donate any of the below to the McKenzie back to school fund as three kids in school starts this year!!! At least, sort of! Zeke will go from 8-11 and Bo and Caleb from 8-2:40! My college career starts on August 19th. So really, 4 of the Mckenzie’s will be in school this year and w/ medical bills already eating us alive, school things aren’t our top priority honestly! At least mine is already paid for, ok, well on loan til I’m done! If I could just get a laptop as well to use I’d be all set!

Two pks # 2 pencils need
Zippered Pencil case need
1 large box of tissues 5 needed
plastic expandable file w/ 7 sections need
Glues sticks need 6
Red Pens need 2
One yellow Highlighter need 3
One pk. loose paper need 1
Black Dry Erase Markers need 6 total
two pks post it notes 1 pk need
One large eraser need 1
One pack starmints need
Ziplock bags need
Clorox Wipes need
x-large ziploc need
Pencil Sharpener need
Backpack x 3 (going to use last yrs)
Index Card Box need
One 3 ring binder 1/2 in need – Bo
One Pk Stickers need – Bo
One roll paper towels need
One box sandwich bags need
2 pocket folder 2 needed – Bo
1 bag candy need 1
Clorox Wipes need 1
Hand sanitizer need 1
Snack size bags need 1
One box Jumbo 2.5 gallon baggies need 1
box of 100 ct 3oz cups need 2
Playdoh HAVE
Crayons HAVE
One pack Washable Markers x 2 HAVE
Index Cards HAVE
Rainy Day Game HAVE
one pair of scissors x 2 HAVE
Six spiral notebooks HAVE
One box of colored pencils HAVE

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