Wisdom from my walk

It’s just another birthday right? well it really is, but for some reason I’m a lot more reflective this year. It seems year after year we deal with something we never saw coming. No matter what Dean is always by my side. He always has been.

Years ago, a young teenager in love, I actually prayed that God would give me Dean in my life for then and always. I dont know why back then I was so intent on it, maybe because he was the one boy who didnt want what all the others guys wanted from me. Maybe because he respected me and even then I knew he was a keeper! He could always make me laugh (and still does) and I always feel safe in his arms.
For awhile I gave my heart to others before Dean and I ended up together on this path, a path that leads to today. These last few weeks as I’ve suffered with some hard things I realized none of those guys would have stuck by my side through all of this. There are folks that believe in divorce and those who believe in marriage. Dean and I firmly are pro-marriage, til death do us part. Although we know it will probably been sooner than later for me, we know that we are in it til the end. the good the bad the ugly.
So while this is just another day, it’s a day I celebrate the man who stole my heart all those years ago. A man who is a wonderful father, the best I’ve ever known. A wonderful supportive husband, even, or rather especially on the hard days. He works hard so I dont have to, because I cant and because it’s better for the kids.

I know my life wouldn’t be the same without him in it, and I thank God for blessing me with Dean and for helping us stick through it all, today and always. Happy Birthday honey!

A month ago things were crazy,then the calm returned, somewhat. 15 days ago I had joint replacement surgery (at 31 yes I know I’m a freak!) but today I’m walking! Walking with little pain and in my regular pre-surgical shoes. The pain I feel now is mostly incisional and is nothing compared to the pre-surgical pain I had been having every day all the time. I am hopeful that in a few more weeks I’ll be running and swimming and will be pain free, at least in my foot!
Also 15 days ago, we had a scare with another abnormal EKG that almost canceled my foot surgery. Last week I talked to my dr and we went over my stress test results from 2006 and the abnormal ekg from then as well. She said the problem looks to be the same and she ordered an echocardiogram. I was a little anxious about it but it was actually pretty interesting. [More and more I’m considering healthcare as the field in which I’ll return to school once the boys are all in school(just a year away!)] I got a call earlier this week that the results of that test were normal. So basically for some reason I just have abnormal EKGs and a slight murmur. Nothing to worry about right now. Which is great news!
In the meantime I had another sleep study which also wasnt very helpful and I’m trying to be better about using my cpap every night even though sometimes I loathe it. I will probably be starting a med soon to help me stay awake during the day since falling asleep driving w/ a van full of kids is not a good thing! Waiting to hear back from my doctor about that one.
I’ve been much more productive this week now that I’m mobile, but that means that the pain in the rest of my body is rearing is ugly head, it really liked the percocet I took last week!
We got our tax return back and paid off all of our debt except one credit card that we’re using to pay medical bills for then paying off as our insurance reimburses us through our FSA. Plus we got an exercise bike and a fridge on craiglist, which makes me very happy!!! So I’m using the exercise bike until I’m able to get back to the Y and swim classes.
Zeke’s new migraine med is working and it’s increased his appetite so much that we are barely having issues with him not eating anymore, heck now the problem is he wants to eat all the time!! which is fine since he was a little underweight!
Bo’s in that pre-reading stage of things, recognizing letters in signs and he can finally recognize numbers as well. it’s an amazing thing to see how far he’s come. I took him for a haircut this week when it was just he and I and he was great. No fussing, no crying, just a big boy excited about getting his hair cut. He’s come so far from the boy who screamed and had to be held done, now we just have to work on the dental visits! His mood has also improved greatly and he’s had a lot less outbursts since his dental surgery to work on 7 teeth 2 weeks ago. I really think that he must have been in pain and didnt know how to tell us.
Caleb is getting all A’s which impressed the eye dr since he does need new glasses! He’s also been attending some counseling at school in hopes of dealing w/ his anxiety issues.
We’re looking into family counseling soon since my condition has been having such a negative effect on our family life lately. Plus it can’t hurt!!
So theres been a lot of bad then some good and now we wait to see what’s next. We realize life does this to us, we go through times when things are great and then life hits us upside the head and we feel like barely staying afloat. Today is a good day, mostly. The kids are doing good, theres money in the bank, the bills are paid, food in the fridge and we’re all together! It’s a high pain day for me, but the good outweighs that but I am going to retreat to bed and a heating pad now that Dean’s home! Hoping my next post is as cheery as this one!!

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends
You know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory

It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

\”before the morning\”

Dean and I were up and out on time, early actually (the benefit of not having to ready kids in the morning) to the hospital. First there was a problem w/ the paging system that lets you know they are ready for you. We had an interesting nurse who thought it would be fun to be rude to me about my hysterectomy and pseudo tumor, stating some very unfiltered comments which made me want to ask for another nurse to put in my iv, but she redeemed herself getting it in on the first try.

We then sat and waited for the next wave of staff to greet us, next up was the anesthesiologist. She was very thorough, so much so that she decided I should have an EKG before going ahead w/ things “to be safe” I have no clue how to read said report so when the nurse doing it printed it out and left I assumed we were done and ready to go. My doctor (whom we love!) arrived and started to tell us that the new joint was en route and had been held up by the snow so we would have to wait for it to arrive, as we discussed this the anesthesiologist returned to share the news with us: my ekg was abnormal. She showed the report to my dr (a podiatrist) who surprisingly knew what it meant, and his first reaction was thats how it look when you’ve had a heart attack , or a piece of your heart muscle is dead and not responding. My Cool Dr said this must be a sign from God to put things on hold on the surgery because the joint wasn’t there and the EKG was not good. I was floored, I’ve talked him about church before but those words were not something I’d ever expect him to say.

Dean was visually crushed by the news, and for a moment I saw the worry and upset on his face, as did the rest of the hospital staff. They left to find a cardiologist to look at the EKG results and try to get clarification before canceling the surgery. It didnt take long before I was in tears and confused. I had just come to terms w/ being out of commission for a few weeks and was ready to go get this done. Now we were faced w/ not only having to re-schedule but face the new medical problem: my heart was broken.

after having Boaz I was given an EKG that was abnormal so was sent for a stress test. i had a heart murmur and the stress test showed only that the left side of my heart was enlarged and the report stated it was just due to lack or exercise/being overweight. If you know me I’ve since had several surgeries and no problems(with my heart!) All it took was a too thorough anesthesiologist to throw me back into the fears I had back then….heart disease runs in the family and heck my father just had his 9th heart attack, has a defibrillator and is awaiting a pacemaker now because he might not survive another heart attack, he’s 50.

But back to today….eventually the cardiologist said the EKG showed “unspecified” problem not a heart attack and gave the go ahead for the surgery and they all agreed they’d monitor my heart closely. I awoke needing oxygen but for me and sleep apnea thats not a big concern. other than my awakening in the OR while the dr was testing out my new joint when I should have been out still there were no problems during the procedure.

I’ve been laying on the couch resting and am currently awaiting a call back from my surgeron as I’m having pain in my foot not where the surgery is, similar to the pain I had after a c-section when I had an allergic reaction to the tape used. (cause it’s NEVER easy !!)

The kids are playing at the neighbors house so Dean is playing on his puter and I’m trying to let go of the nagging fears that were put aside this morning. I cant get another stress test til I’m more mobile or so I assume. So I think the only thing I can do next is try to find the results from my last EKG and stress test so we have a baseline like was recommended by the drs this morning. I was freaked out a week or two when told Zeke needs to see a cardiologist, and now I do too. Too many similarities in his conditions and my own, which leads me to believe the answers to my problems may come by simply finding the cause of Zekes!

Unitl then, recovering from today and praying for my broken heart…..

About 10 years ago Dean and I sat around discussing whether or not taking fertility drugs was messing with God’s plan for us. We ended up not choosing to use drugs and got preggo soon after our 3 years of trying! It wasn’t that long ago when I was questioning whether getting a hysterectomy was something that God would approve of, I mean He gave me a uterus for a reason right? Well I resolved w/ my decision in going through with it (Nov. 2008) because I believe He wouldn’t send me to hell for trying to get healthy or want me to live a life in pain.

Tomorrow I’m going to further mess w/ the body God gave me. You know he blessed me w/ 10 fingers and 10 toes. Surprisingly one of those toes doesnt like my body though and everyday I experience great pain from the arthritis there. Tomorrow I’ll be tossing aside my God given big toe and having a new replacement one in. I dont know if this is ok w/ the Big Man either. But I am really getting sick of having to choose between whether God gifted me w/ a pain riddled body or doing something about it! (sorry Big Guy…it had to be said!)

10 years ago seems so long ago….back to a much simpler time. A time when all we had in our newly married life was the desire to be together and to build a family. Each year since then we’ve had to make decision after decision that brought us to today: 3 kids, a dog and a beautiful home, one income. We’ve made it this far and I know all through the years the Big Man himself has shown himself to be merciful and provide for us despite our decisions.

Today I grieved as Katie went home, sad for the milestones we’ll miss out on, but grateful for the year we’ve had together. That little lady showed me I had some strength left and even some purpose left in this old aging body. I believe God opened the door that brought our two families together.

I believe that tomorrow will be just another milestone for me: choosing to sacrifice today for a better tomorrow. I don’t know what the next week even month or years holds for me or my family, and I never would have thought I’d have lived as much as I have in these last 10 years, the good and the bad. But I know this…..some doors close as others open. I pray that as our family walks ahead through the darkened doorway we’ll have the strength, peace and courage to keep on walking…..in hopes of a better tomorrow.

Dont know who’s the idiot, the dr who knowing I had three kids, let alone even without I dont know how I would have fared, told me to stop my med which for years has made my life livable and functional, or me for agreeing to stop.

so today after a week in Hell we called the dr because things were getting really bad, scary bad, and her answer, stop the new meds and go back on the old one.  Gee thanks for that.

I dont know how long it will take for it to get in my system but please pray the re-addition of it doesnt cause even more problems.  We’ve put our plans on hold for having a student move in this week because things just are that bad around here w/ me being so sick.  we’ve also discussed that I might have to quit watching the baby, as in immediately if this new med doesnt start working quickly.   Either way the bills wont get paid and the effect of my health just ruins everything in sight.   the kids are being affected the most, next to myself, at this point.   I’ve considered that I might need to remove myself from their care for their own safety even if things dont improve quickly and drastically.

this is the scariest thing I’ve ever had to endure, and it’s not even life threatening….well unless you consider the fact I’m suicidal and if the kids act out I feel like beating the crap out of them…..but other than that…..

add to that unbearable pain and a body that just wont work right….well it’s a nasty combination.   Dean’s been a trooper but it’s really making things difficult for all of us.

I’ve dealt with pain for years, amongst other debilitating symptoms and sometimes major surgeries.  Through it all I’ve never given in to it, I’ve never spent days or even one day in bed wallowing in it.  It’s been a week of it and for me to be to the point of spending days in bed and avoiding outside life, well that should be a sign to most of you that something is not right.

Some think it’s my own fault, or I’m not trying hard enough, or I’m not being positive enough.   Every one has a breaking point, and I’ve tottered at the edge of that line for years now……I’ve fallen completely and I dont know how to get back.   If you know me well you know this is not how I normally handle things. You know I go go go and give give give despite anything.   So please believe me I’m trying hard to do that now and I’m lucky to be able to get out of bed and sometimes make myself eat.   Please know that I’m not avoiding you, my friends whom my family and I need desperately right now, because of anything other than the fact I cant even manage a conversation without bursting into tears.   that a smile is something I cant even fake right now.

Some of you are probably sick of hearing about another Amy malady.   I hope through the years you’ve seen I have gotten through and try hard to stay positive despite my circumstances.   I would often start immediately thinking of what good would come out of this, another opportunity for me to lean on God and my community, another chance for God to show His stuff.

We know that if God wasnt with us right now I’d probably already be admitted someplace and possible be losing my family forever.  I’m fighting this I just need you to know what’s going on.  This is a battle I dont know how to win and while in the past I always knew it would get better today I am even lacking that hope.

I dont want or need anything really from any of you, but I know my family needs to be held up and covered in prayer like never before.  I dont want my kids to have to keep seeing mommy be sick.  I want them to live in a happy healthy home and right now it’s not.    This isnt all about depression folks, this is deaing w/ chronic illness and the depression that comes with it. theres no amount of “positive thinking” that will make my body repair itself.

I am sorry some of you got the impression I’m just dealing w/ losing my depression med, the point is, I’m currently living life w/out the FDA approved drug for fibromyalgia.    I know some of you probably think that that’s not a “real” illness but believe me if you lived with my pain for one day you might change your tune.   On top of that I’ve got advanced arthritis which makes walking and going up and down stairs difficult.   Again, more pain….

The fact I have dealt with this for so long and managed my 3 kids sometimes others kids and kept up home and serving in the community may make it hard for some of you to believe it’s that bad.   Well it’s not bad when you’re on a medicine that for you works magic.   Take that out of the mix and well life sucks.

My husband cant touch me or even get close enough to without me cringing for fear of the pain.  My kids cant sit on my lap or even sit too close to me if they are bouncy or active, and well you all know my kids!

My diseases have stayed silent for a long time to many of you, some of you close enough to know better still know I manage better than most folks dealing w/ these conditions.     So while it may seem to some that I’m all of the sudden “sick” is untrue, the truth is, it’s just gotten a lot worse w/ out the meds to manage it.

Tonight I’ll start back on those meds and hopefully there will be no ill side effect, like more added weight which is why we stopped it in the first place or more altered mental status since the drug does have anti-depressant qualities starting it up and stopping it or vice versa can make you nutty, literally.   I dont expect to wake up tomorrow and be perfect, but I’m actually a little more hopeful now knowing that there might be an end in sight for me.  at least for most of the symptoms that are currently making life unlivable.   the rest will still be there, pain, fatigue, and a list of many other, but they will be manageable.  I will be able to fool you all with how great I am and you’ll be none the wiser….so until then…..forgive me for being rude or not answering my phone or returning phone calls.   I cant right now.

Please pray….

It’s hard to believe that in a few days it will be my 11 year wedding anniversary!  Even harder to believe in a month my middle son will be 5!  This will also be our 4th Christmas in Ohio w/ the kiddos.   Last week I spent a few hours at a salon getting my  hair done.  While there I had time to chat w/ my stylist.   She was a young unwed mother and we got to talking about marriage, and I could hear the pain behind her voice when she mentioned that the father of her children is a great dad but not such a great boyfriend.   She later asked if after 11 years if the love was the same, or rather if I was still in love.  She was shocked when I answered her that not only am I still in love but that I may even love Dean more!  We’ve been through 3 pregnancies, 2 major moves, several major surgeries, and several lay offs.  All of those things can either break or make your marriage.  I am happy to say that those experiences and many other happy times made our marriage and family what it is today.  We still fight, we still struggle over money issues, and life happens, but we are something a lot of couples arent, committed!  I am hopelessly devoted to my husband and I wouldnt chose to be any other way!

This Thursday Dean starts some classes that will hopefully give him more leverage for a better job in the future.   The kids are not happy that daddy will be going to school in the evenings and I’m even a tad jealous I cant be the one going to school(we both know I’d enjoy it much more!) but this is such a good thing for him!  Last night we talked about it, and we both know I’ll eventually get to go back to school.   We dont have to pay for Dean’s classes so it’s really a great deal for him, but it will be a big time commitment and I wonder how I’ll manage longer days on my own when I’m not feeling great, but we always get by.

The boys are finally healthy again, and praying it stays that way!  Bo and Zeke love going to preschool and Caleb has discovered he can enjoy reading if he can find the right book, which for him has been the Limony Snickett series.  he’s on book 5!  We are all enjoying watching Katie (the little girl I babysit) learn to walk and talk.  It’s fun to be able to enjoy her milestones and be a part of it.  I really feel like we should have tried for another child but know it just wasnt meant to be.   For now we can enjoy Katie and maybe one day we’ll be blessed with an adopted daughter.