Wisdom from my walk

Been a long time since I’ve seen your face knew we’d meet again, another time another place….I’m alright, it’s a beautiful day not a cloud in sight I guess I’m doing alright…..

Doing alright. Not doing great not doing horrible, right this second. Five minutes from now I might change my story but…..Things have been hard for me lately, feeling like I”m in a rut, wanting to get out of it but not wanting to get out. I really just want to stay in bed all day and sleep. I need to sleep. I am so tired. But I keep going, keep pushing myself. Even now while the kids are napping I was half asleep and got up for something, dont remember what, but now am up but could be taking advantage of a nap….but I’m not. Too much to do, so little time. This week is actually a slow week as far as our schedule goes, so I should try to enjoy it, next week it’ll be crazy again.

I’ve got a drs appt I’m dreading coming up on Monday. Dreading it for tons of reasons the biggest is fear the second is having to go alone. Last time I could hardly drive myself hours later…this time I dont have a choice, I’ll be dropping Caleb off at my friends before and picking him up after, but it’s kind of far to drive to begin with….we’ll see how it goes. It’s just like every other thing I’m doing lately, doing out of a pure need to , not because I want to. I feel like I”m just floating through my days doing what needs done. Not enjoying much of anything, that could very well be a medicine side effect, last time it screwed me up big time….but…for whatever reason, I know I’m getting depressed and I dont even care to fix it. I just want to be able to rest for once and not worry about the 50 billion other things or people that need me. last time I started talking like this I ended up being so sick I was in the hospital so I better be careful what I wish for, but still, I think I’m wearing thin again and I think continuing to hide my illness/symptoms from my family and friends is just making me feel worse. I thought it would help if I just ignored how I’m feeling but now the feelings are getting bad and I feel too sick to function some days again. thats something thats hard to hide, but I’ve been doing a good job of it. yes this is coming from the same person who earlier this week said honesty is the best policy….but…if the truth wont fix anything or change anything whats the point, sure, I admit I’m sick still and then what? nothing. I continue to feel sick and miserable and life goes on around me. so why bother. but now it’s been said so now you know. I feel crappy and I’m grouchy about it to say the least, the added stress of having my child getting abused by another child I babysit makes me feel much worse. but thats a whole nother can of worms….. is it Friday yet??? at least it’s a beautiful day not a cloud in sight…..I guess I ‘m doing alright, alright…nothing like a good song to cheer ya up, somewhat….

Feeling burnt out, emotionally, phsyically, spiritually….not sure if it’s depression, or the side effects from med like last time, but tonight was not so good. Got something off my chest and immediately felt a huge weight being lifted off of my shoulders. still feel crummy for hurting someones feeling in doing so but I think honesty is truly the best policy. Hoping something good comes from this, and praying I can continue to be open and honest with my feelings. Its so dawg gone hard….but in the end it’s so much healthier for everyone involved. I have a hard time as is, with being a people pleaser, so speaking my mind is tough especially when I know it may hurt someone else. But my thought was that I’d rather admit my feelings and pain now so I could control it and stop it instead of it controlling me. I think I did the best thing, I didnt want anything more than to just let some people know where I stood and how I was struggling with my faith and trust in people. I hate to be fake and I dont want to keep acting like I am fine when I am struggling. It’s been hard lately, trying to work, be sick, take care of family and home…..and on top of that put on a cheery face and deal with some tough issues. I hope that this weight that was lifted stays off of me, it feels great actually, I couldnt believe how much just opening my mouth in confession helps. Now if I can just learn to shut up sometimes too!!! I thank God for his Grace and Mercy and for granting us all the power to Forgive one another in love!

well Dean just filed our taxes online, we were debating going to H&R block like we usually do, but this year our tax situation was a lot easier, so we thought we could manage it ourselves again. that’s nice. we used to be able to do it easily then w/ contracting and moving things got hard and w/ buying the house. hopefully things will stay easy and we can just keep e-filing. we were suprised by the amount of our return so I just pray it’s right, cant be wrong I guess? i hope not. but when Dean was done he realized he forgot to add the info on the interest we paid on the home loan, anyone know if that matters? I am sure it might have, but how much? any ideas? he says we can file it as an adjustment, but I thought that was optional stuff anyone, like if you dont put it on their it’s your own loss… right? we’ll see. I just hope he did it right. we did the math and we are going to pay off 6 credit cards and spend a little money on us, well probably on bicylces for all of us, and put some aside for a trip to Ohio in the spring. nothing like being on top of our finances for once. It’s been a great feeling, I just hope it keeps up!! now as long as Uncle Sam agrees w/ Dean’s & the e-filing systems math we should be all set for a great start to being a lot more out of debt in a few weeks! wohoo! nothing like getting more out of debt!!!

today the fish tank is MUCH clearer after we added the needed filter equipment…or something?!? i dont know, thats not my department, all I know is that it looks a lot better, now if our dumb digital camera would work right…..

Sometimes I hate having a technically savvy hubby. Today while trying to look for his V-day present online I got “caught” how you ask? well no Dean didnt walk in the room I was in. He logged onto our desktop from his work puter and saw exactly what I was looking at. My own fault for not using my own login but still, he usually calls and warns me before he logs on from work so I can get off that computer. Luckily I had just got off the website that would have truly clued him in to my scheme, but he no doubt still knows what I was looking for by what I had up, so now I have to come up w/ a better idea. Stink. This is hard planning something good!! Especially when you had a good idea to start with!!! So now on to the sneakiness……from now on I’ll clear the history and delete cookies before he goes home so he wont find me out!! just in case he’s up on my new plan…..

The newest additions to our family:

sorry about the stripes, somehow my shirt got reflected in the tank and shows up in the pic…I’ll get Dean to take a better pic later…

Caleb is calling them all Nemo! But none of them look like a Nemo.

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Here’s Caleb making his “smiley” face for the camera! Also gives you perspective on how big the tank is

I cant wait for warm weather to arrive and for cold season to go away. Guessing this is just a sinus thing we’ve all got but it’s making us all miserable. Went from being a weekend I was looking forward to to a weekend spent taking turns in bed while the other watched over the kid who of course has enough energy for 10 adults sick or not!! Yesterday was my day to get to sleep all day so unfortunately today I’m up and about today feeling bad. I’m just hoping Caleb is okay with not rough housing like daddy did w/ him yesterday. I think it caught up w/ Dean because he’s feeling much worse today than yesterday. At least its still only sunday, hopefully after another full day of rest we can be up to feeling better. Caleb’s going stir crazy, and theres not many cartoons on Sunday so I’m going to have to get creative soon with stuff for him to do. So we’ll be off to the play room for painting and playdoh and all that messy type of fun toddler stuff.

I cant believe it’s February, or 2004! I’ve been sorting out old pics for putting in scrapbooks from when Dean and I got together til now and it’s been years!! Its hard to look back and see how much time has passed. I dont think I’d ever have looked ahead five years and saw myself here and now here and now…. I guess this was my dream for eventually. to have a hubby, home, kid, and be able to stay home and take care of all of the above. I always thought I’d work, not sure doing what back then, but certainly something, and for longer than I have, but I am NOT complaining about not working. but I always wanted to be a stay at home mom to my kids. notice plural. I love my son. And twice a week I get to have 2 more kids to take care of, and get to send them home!! so thats kind of a good deal! So after really thinking about it, I guess when I think about what I have and what I’ve always wanted, I have just what I need and want.

And so far staying on this new med has helped my headaches a great deal, I just need to figure out the spots in my eyes thing. but it’s not so bad to not to be able to get pregnant when I am feeling better on this med when off of it I was feeling bad. I just hate to think I’ll need to stay on it forever. I see the eye dr on the 23rd or something like that, so we’ll see what he says. then I see the nuerologist the beginning of March to find out whats next. So we’ve put off baby making indefinitely, which is sad and breaks my heart, but I think right now I think I may put off a baby indefinitely until I am sure my body is done being crazy. Caleb suffers as is with my being unhealthy, no need to ruin another childs life with an unhealthy momma. Doesnt make me happy to know that we may not have another baby, but as my wonderful hubby tells me, with technology today, women are having babies when they are in their 40s are I shouldnt write off the next 20 years of my life just because of how i feel now. True, but heck, I dont think I’ll want to start over w/ a baby when i am 40, Caleb will be almost 20!! let alone when I am 30 but we’ll do what we have to do. I just hope by then I am over and done dealing with this stupid psuedo tumor.