Wisdom from my walk

I think I am dying. I feel like it rather. If I could not type it I could not even get the expression out. What little voice I have left is muffled and it hurts like hell to even try to talk. The dr thinks it’s just a sinus infection, but my main symptom is a horrid sore throat. Needless to say I did end up w/ an antibiotic so I’m a little happier, now if the pain would just ease up…..and the chills…oooh the chills….I hate chills.. theres nothing you can do for them….but no more whining…..for now…..

well it turned out the dr didnt have the meds I was taking listed in my chart, how crazy is that? Soo….when I told her I was worried about my back pain being kidney stones and that I know the one med causing them she was immediately changing her tune from it being a muscle strain and being overly concerned about me and the pain. SO now after they ge the results of the lab work I got done this afternoon they will more than likely schedule a catscan for me to find out whats going on w/ my back pain, if it’s a kidney thing or something else. they tried to schedule the cat scan first the insurance company wouldnt authorize it until I’ve had the lab work results back, so hopefully the dr will still get to get the cat scan done

Dean’s kite birthday cake!!! there was no design, I made it all up myself! I am quite proud of myself, especially since it wasnt until 8 am on Friday that I thought of it and by 2 pm I had the cake made and was happy with it. So Dean’s parents were here and Friday night we went out for a nice dinner and came home to cake!! It was soooo yummy!!!

How is it possible that even when I am physically worn out, stressed out watching three kids, and preparing to host an event that I can even be sitting here pondering how much I want to be pregnant??? I suppose hormones can do that to you, but that shouldnt be playing a factor today in my mood, but I guess hormones play on us daily no matter what part of the cycle we’re in huh? Who knows. More so to do with reading other peoples blogs and thinking about family members that will soon be holding their newborns. Thinking that our day will not come.

Our new life group is reading the Purpose Driven Life. Tonight is our first meeting at our house, we are new leaders. I hate to say I am not so thrilled with the book, mostly my own fault. My own fault I cant get past my own faults and accept that I can have a purpose aside from taking care of Caleb, Dean and home, especially when I physically feel like I cant even take care of myself. Sure theres a lot I need to change about my attitude toward my illness and how it affects my life, but considering the work load I’m doing everyday I think I”m doing pretty good even if my attitude is suffering, the work I need to get done is getting done and to me for now that is what matters. doing what needs done when it needs done even when I feel bad. I get by day by day and lately the days have been bad. My marriage is suffering becuase my attitude through it all is not the greatest, but if I”m expected to maintain the same amount of workload even when I feel bad than I’m sorry I cant keep up the same cheery attitude. I understand that maybe some other people could, but I cant and I wont pretend to. So through it all somehow I still want to consider bringing another child into this craziness, now that I think about it, it must be hormones causing me to think it becuase it’s truly ridiculous to think that that would be part of my purpose in life right now. I just wish I could see something more purposeful than just getting by every day……

one more vent about the dr today….he’s talking into his tape recorder, to record the notes for our visit, and stops recording and flips through chart, and says what do you do for a living, I said I am a stay at home mom, he says what did you do before that, I said I’ve been a stay at home mom for a year or two now, he said, oh good, then you can afford to have this now…..i wanted to hit him sooooo hard, I kindly responded well not really, his reply is well it’s not like you have to be in an office working and this interferes….idiot I tell you. I have the # 1 hardest job on the planet and the jerk says I can afford this now, he says its not like I have to miss work or my work will be affected……I am woman hear me ROAR!!!!!! yes, this made me mad, but it was just another thing, but I had to share….sometimes I hate doctors…….sometimes I hate idiots in general. today I think I just hate men!!

well made it home safely from the drs appointment, although the computer looks very odd when your eyes are dilated! so I apologize for any typos ahead of time. the good dr,who I am doubting more and more every time I see him, says my eyes are fine, or did he? well he had this new fangled machine that he could take a pic of my eye w/, that I thought was great! if anything I thought the dr couldnt mistake it if it was on a picture…so the pic shows my optic nerves to by mildly swollen, he says this is just normal for me, i still say thats a load of crock but thats a nother story….and before he rushes me from his office as he shows off his great new pic software, he makes note of some dark spots on my eye in the pic. he says’ thats interesting. never noticed that before…” of course he didnt want to explain and when asked several times why I continue to see spots in my eyes and have blackouts of vision in my left eye he said ‘we cant explain everything” or “we cant understand it all” so, if anything I’ve got proof now that theres something on my eye, those dark spots are something gosh darn it even if he doesnt want to take the time to look into it. everyday I’m struggling more and more w/ my vision. i just got glasses about a month ago and today while the dr did my exam w/ my glasses on he says my vision is different than what it was when i got the RX yeah thats not a good sign…..but no nothing going on with my eyes at all? so suffice it to say, when I see my neurologist next I will be requesting a referral to a different neuro-opth. sad part is this guy was supposed to be the best there is.

all he wanted to talk about was how busy he is w/ new patients and how many eye surgeries he’s done lately and he’s new gadgets….looks to me like he’s getting caught up in the success and forgetting about the patients who got him there…meanwhile I feel crappy again today and should be napping. So now that I’ve looked at this way too blurred computer monitor and attempted to type I think I’m done….enough time for a short nap before we have to go pick up Dean from work…what a day….guess the good news is the dr said nothing is wrong huh? sadly I wanted something to be wrong so he could fix it and make me better. now I just struggle feeling bad w/ no end in sight, again……damn incurable inexplainable illnessess……

Been a busy weekend, sort of. Friday night was busy. Saturday was boring. today was busy. Tomorrow I am dreading. I have a drs appointment, with my neuro-opthamologist(mispelled I am sure..) been having a real hard time w/ my vision, headaches, dizziness, the works w/ the pseudo tumor. Scared of what he’ll say but more of what he wont say. Last time he said it was probably not related to my pseudo tumor but since then the symptoms have gotten worse, so I’m not so sure. not looking forward to it one bit. Found a friend to go with me at least, so I dont have to drive myself home, last time Dean went w/ me and it was a good thing because after he dilated my eyes I couldnt see for hours. I was planning on going alone but kept worrying about it so worked out a plan w/ a friend so her hubby will babysit the kids and she’ll go with me. my luck he wont dialate my eyes tomorrow!

Aside from feeling miserable lately not much else going on. Caleb is getting so smart and is amazing us every day. today he went ice skating for the first time. he didnt do nearly as well as he did for his first time roller skating, and that’s cheaper so I think we’ll stick w/ that instead! His favorite thing to do anymore, a trait earned honestly from his daddy’s addiction, is to play games on the puter. We get him onto disney or pbs and he plays away all by himself! he begs to play several times a day, we’ve actually started limiting him. but he does really well and he’s learning his letters on sesame street online and when he’s doing things like that I help him so he can learn easier. hope everyone had a good weekend!

My poor baby! on Tuesday his playmate, a little girl if you can believe it, scratched him drawing blood in several places as you can probably tell by the marks that are still there today. It breaks my heart to look at him. I just hope it doesnt scar. He’s got a small scar above his eye from the same child about a month or so ago, Dean said the scars will fade, I can only hope so. I’m just too emotional lately and dont know how to deal with much more.