There are many ways to spend a Saturday with your family. For the most part our Saturdays start out lazily with all of us, Caleb included, laying in our bedroom watching morning cartoons. Today we planned to help my mom go through her shed in her back yard, I barely did a thing since she wouldn’t let me, meanwhile Dean did a ton of work. It was a beautiful day and caleb and Stella(our dog) ran around my mom’s back yard the whole time we were there, around 4 hours! They’ve all crashed now and are taking a much needed nap.
It’s very easy to make a pregnant women get all emotional and teary eyed, you’d think something as simple as cleaning out a dirty old shed wouldn’t cause any problems, but I guess what makes the difference is what is found inside that dirty old shed. Years ago when we moved into this house(my moms current housse) we all seemed to have lost a lot of items, and that’s not all too unusual with a big move. There were a lot of sentimental things lost during that move. Today while going through dead bug and rat pellet filled boxes of “stuff” some of those things were recovered. The silliest thing being a 16 year old paper mache’ girl I made in school, who at first glance weathered time well, until Caleb came over to investigate and she promptly became a decapitated girl! Dean and I found that quite humorous. In my brothers boxes of stuff we found several condoms, I laughed and told Dean hey maybe that was really my box, both of us knowing it wasnt! We found a box of old clothes that my step dad wass supposed to have gotten rid, my old clothes. body suit shirts, I remember wearing those shirts but looking at them now I cant believe I would have worn them! There was also a silly old pajama outfit in there that made me smile.
None of those things brought tears to my eyes, but what else we found did. Boxes of childhood Christmas ornaments that had gone missing, some handmade by my brother and I, others that had been thoughtfully purchased for us by my mom. Ornaments that fill me with memories of baking cookies and decorating the Christmas tree w/ my mom. Ornaments that hold w/ each one something special. that alone wasnt enough to invoke tears, mostly joy with each one I unwrapped to find an old memory waiting for me.
years and years have passed since I was a baby, ok 24 or so, and I had never seen a baby picture of myself. There was no baby book filled out in love to be found in our home, yet mom claims there is somewhere. We didnt find my baby book but I was filled with awe as I read my brothers baby book, from the litttle things I never knew about him to the things I wasnt even born yet to be a part of since he’s the older one. Then we hit pure gold. A box of childhood pics of my brother and I. No “baby” pics of me per se, but a lot of “toddler” pics of me and my brother or other family members. It was more than I could have ever asked for. Then I saw it, the first pic I ever recall seeing of this grouping of people, one that I have no memory of, one that even now as I write about it, brings tears to my eyes: a picture of my family, my mom, my dad, my brother and a little me. There aren’t a lot of childhood memories of that family unit, and the ones there are aren’t great joyous ones, but in this picture we look like a “normal” family. there were other pics of just my dad, pics that hold remarkable meaning for me, the man I do not really know, now or then. I found a wedding pic of my mom and dad, just one pic, but for me that one pic holds so much importance for me. while their marriage may not have been perfect and did not last, out of that bond came my brother and I. Despite the things that happened to that family unit we were put together by God and created for whatever purposes He has. I may never understand what happened or why I may never have a relationship with my father, but knowing that at one point he was a dad to us even if not a wonderful one, no matter what he chose to have a family and we are it.
This was a lot for my pregnant self to take in. I think the whole morning was a stressful one for all of us, I wish my brother had been with us for these discoveries, and we tried to reach him to ask him to come over but never got in touch with him. I hope that one day soon we can sit down and look at all the pictures I found today and talk about them, or if anything just be together to take them in and remember together. There were a lot of other great finds today in that dirty shed. The irony of it is, when we started all I had though we’d find were just dirty old boxes of my stepdads work stuff, he’s a landscaper. Instead amongst the dirt and dust and dead bugs, we found something else that seemed to have died, the memories of a family that at one point was just that, a family. No matter what happens over time or what anyone says, there are no accidents. I believe I was born to the family I was born to because it was part of God’s plan for my life. While to me my past and childhood may hold a lot of painful memories, I try to do my best to remember that all of that was allowed by God and it’s there for a greater purpose. Maybe it’s so I can do a better job as a mom and wife, or maybe just so I could learn some tough life lessons, whatever the reasons I am grateful for how my life has turned out and while I regret not having a father in my life, I know that I do indeed have one, and although he chooses to not be a part of my life there is nothing I can do to change that, no matter how hard I have tried.
Today I showed my son a picture of my mom and dad when they were young, pre-kids and told him that was grandmom and grandad, it broke my heart when he asked me who that granddad was. I told him he didnt know him but that that was grandmom. Luckily that was enough for him and he went off to play. Theres a great sadness in my heart that my son wont know his grandfather, but I dont know how to change that for him. Then again I would rather shelter him from the hurt I felt growing up w/ the rejection from that man than to know him and know that he chooses not be a part of our family. It’s a tough thing, this thing called family.
it’s with great sadness I watch my mom prepare to sell her home and go through another divorce. For her and for all the pain it brings her now and knowing how hard this was for her the first go around w/ my dad. but as my thoughtful husband said today, you cant make people love each other. I cant make my dad love me or be a dad to me. You cant make anyone love you or want to be with you, not even if they are bound to you by blood. I pray my children never have to experience this kind of separation in their lifetime and I will do my best as a wife and mother to work on a great marriage and family for them.
Needless to say this beautful sunny day was brought to you by hallmark……
