Wisdom from my walk

My friends always amaze me!! This has already been an amazing christmas, in a ton of ways. Earlier this week while going to get some stuff at the craft store I saw this and told Dean I never wanted anything so much in my whole life. I knew we couldnt afford it and called a few friends to see if they had any coupons for that store since they tend to run really good coupons for up to 50% off one item in the papers, it was later in the evening and we couldnt track down any good coupons so I gave up on the dream and amidst the christmas craziness forget all about it. Tonight my friend called me to have us come over after church to see them before they headed out of town, her and the other friend I called the other night looking for a coupon had went in on the gift for me! I am floating on cloud nine and am so grateful. it’s something I couldnt afford and didnt expect to get, and something I will use, as soon as next week even! one of the friends had already asked me to make her daughters birthday cake for mid january so I told her now she’ll expect it to look great, and it should with all my cool new tools! I’m so happy!!!! thanks gals! YOU ARE GREAT!

In other news, today had it’s not so great moments. While driving to the eastern shore to visit my brother we had a near death experience, or so we think. we were driving straight and a car turn left into our lane and to avoid getting hit and seriously hurt dean swerved only to end up heading straight into a light pole. I prayed very loudly and waited for impact. we skidded a good while and stopped just inches short of hitting the pole. we’ve got pics of the skid marks. after avoiding hitting two cars, and a light pole we not only walked away but there is not a scratch on our car. we were very shaken and are grateful to be healthy and that our car and the boys are safe. it was truly a christmas miracle and we honestly believe an angel stood between us and the light pole theres no other explanation for our being safe through it. I’ll put up pics later, you wont believe after seeing the skid marks that our car was so close to that pole. I’m still in awe and wonder that we walked and even drove away with no damage. God was with us and we will never forget that moment. it’s been a strange day since then and I keep counting my blessings. I’ll admit I’ve hugged the boys and Dean quite a bit more since then, thats sad that it took such a big thing to do that and I tend to love on them lots but I wont take much for granted after fearing for their safety in such a big way. Prayer works believe me, even if it’s a last second cry out to the master, He does listen, a lesson maybe I needed to hear today, sorry it took him skaing my world to get me to listen to him!

Who said you can’t have a one month old, a 3 year old, and a demonic dog and still be supermom? A month ago I was so afraid of how things would go with the above members of my family, and this being day 3 of my being on my own with all of them I think I’m doing just grand. I’ve gotten out of the house everyday even. On Monday I had my first outing w/ both boys alone, to the grocery store in the freaking freezing weather, and we all survived. Tuesday I managed to get Caleb to preschool on time for once and then Boaz and I ran errands then got home in time for him to nurse then head back to get Caleb from school.

Today I’ve been a busy bee. Before 10 am I had made a batch of cookies for Calebs preschool teacher as well as some candy for her. After bathing the baby and feeding him we headed out for a walk since the warmer temps had blessed us for once! We spent a good amount of time at the nearby school’s playground where I met a few teachers and found out they do indeed offer a 4 year old pre-K program. I was floating home on that news, waiting to tell Dean. Right now we’re paying for a preschool program and really cant afford it. So next year if I can get him into the public school program for free, that would be awesome. The only drawback is that the day will be from 7:40-2:30, but I guess it will prepare him for full day kindergarten. The geniuses who want to cater to working parents are now making all public school kindergartens full days because parents cant find half day daycare. It sucks for those stay at home moms who want to keep their kids with them but also want them to enjoy preschool, but I guess i dont have a choice. Anyway…..we’re going to try to get him into the free preschool, if anything it’ll give me more time w/ Boaz! But thats a year away…

Today I also made a snowman cake to take to Caleb’s preschool party tomorrow, I’ll put up pics later. it’s really cute, and the best thing was I got the cake pan at the dollar store for $2! That’s so cheap for a molded cake pan, and it’s so cute. well Dean is home early and I havent napped all day, and I”ve been going non stop all day so I need to at least lay down for a bit before the baby gets up. Hope everyone is ready for Christmas, I cant believe it’s only a few days away.

Reasons why Christmas this year is truly amazing for me:

Boaz 3 weeks old

Boaz’s First Christmas

First Christmas

Too cute for words!

Today was Dean’s last day home from work, and even then he had to go in this afternoon for a meeting. I am really going to miss having him home, it’s be nice having someone else do the laundry and do the main care taking of Caleb, and I really dont know how I’ll manage it all next week. A few days ago I started trying to not rely on Dean so much, I mean yes I’ve been doing housework and some laundry off and on for the last few weeks but I knew the end was coming so I was trying to get used to it all again.

So this morning we went out bought a few more christmas gifts then went to lunch. After we got home Dean had to head to work and I had to feed the baby and get caleb ready for nap. I put a movie on for Caleb and we sat in bed so I could feed the baby and so caleb could get ready for nap. Over an hour later Caleb is now asleep as is the baby. I spent a while cleaning the house and starting laundry after the baby was asleep and while caleb watched tv since we’re having company tonight and mostly because the state of the house was driving me nuts. Dean did a good job keeping it looking alright but of course my standards for a clean house are way too high, so last night I scrubbed the floors for the first time in three weeks, I must admit I didnt miss doing that! Tonight will be one of the first times I’ve had a meal ready for us, and only because I’m making a pot roast in the slow cooker. The baby always needs to eat around our dinner time so I dont know how I’ll be getting dinner together w/ feeding him and having Caleb too, so today I thought I’d do the slow cooker to be safe. it’s going to be trial and error and I know that we wont be able to always eat right when Dean gets home from work anymore, theres a lot thats changing in our schedule, heck what schedule. things were quite regular and caleb and I had a routine, but that was all thrown out the window when I was originally put on bedrest and now I’m having to figure it all out w/ a new baby in the mix. ought to be fun!

I will miss afternoon naps, that i really still need. right now I’m dealing w/ day 3 of a migraine and sleep would be great, but unlikely. Dean let me sleep til 9:30 and even attempted to bottle feed the baby milk I’d pumped before, but he said he couldnt do anymore by himself, he’d been up w/ the kids since around 7:30 til then. I said I understood but I wonder how I’ll be able to do it all day. he couldnt even do two hours!! So he handed me the baby, he proceeded to nurse for at least a half hour while he took care of Caleb. I dont know how nursing moms do it all and I dont want to have to be alone but I know other moms do it so I’ll have to learn. I just wished I felt better.

I saw the dr yesterday about my migraines. He said the meds he’d put me on would require me to bottle feed, no more breastfeeding. I went to the appointment expecting that and told him so. on the way home talking to Dean and being reminded how much he wants me to keep breastfeeding I started to worry. I havent filled the prescriptions yet, thus day 3 of a migraine. Breastfeeding Boaz is going SO much better than it ever was with Caleb. heck at this point caleb was almost strictly on formula and the rest of the feedings were pumped milk. Boaz had his first bottle a day ago and even then he doesnt want anything to do with it. he’s still not had a pacifier. It’s strange and I’ve even learned to nurse in public and despite my fears it’s not too bad. I worry a lot about how other people feel while I nurse but no one’s complained to me so I dont know that it’s been a problem. I am afraid to have to nurse and take care of caleb alone, and was fine w/ having to go to formula until I thought more about it. now I’m very undecided. At this point I’ve decided to wait a few more weeks before making up my mind, unless this headache never goes away at which point I’ll give in. for now it’s a lot cheaper to nurse, and if I stop now and go on the migraine meds we’ll have to pay for formula and the prescriptions. that would be a lot added to our expenses and I dont know if we could handle all of that now. so for now I have to bear the pain the best i can and hope it wont interfere with taking care of the kids. today’s been an experience but I”m getting through it. I am going to try to rest while the boys are still asleep since the house is clean , the washer is going and dinner is cooking in the crock pot. not too bad for one of my first afternoons alone! I just might handle this ok……

We’re developing some late evening habits that probably aren’t too good for the kids. The last few nights we’ve left the house after 8 pm at earliest to hit the stores, walmart, toysrus, and tonight best buy. There are many reasons we’re leaving later in the evening but the biggest so far is the baby’s eating schedule. I hate to leave then have to be out and worry about feeding the baby so we usually wait til after we’ve all had dinner, baby included and try to leave shortly after the baby’s feeding so we have a few hours to do stuff while he sleeps in his carseat while we shop. It’s strange, this plan works really well. other than having the cart taken up mostly w/ the carseat and sleeping infant, trips to the store lately have been the same as before the baby. we even went to lunch today at IHOP w/ my mom and with the same planning the baby slept in the carseat while we ate and we woke him when we got back to moms afteward so he could eat. This allows for us to get out and not have to worry about feedings while out, but it also makes things hard as far as scheduling. For now we’re taking the day as it comes, like today we knew we’d head to moms and probably eat a meal out, we were hoping for breakfast but we didnt get out of our house til 11 so we ended up getting lunch out then heading to my moms. so we’re not very good at pre-planning at this point, and I hope in time I feel more comfortable nursing in public so it wont be a big issue, right now I’m doing my best to avoid having to worry about nursing while we are out.

We finished up some more christmas shopping this evening, I still need to get some stocking stuffers for all of us, and something for Dean and a few other things but the major purchases are done as much as they are going to be at this point. The best part of going shopping later in the evening is that the holiday shopping crowds are dying down, well mostly. I think I”ll try to get the rest of the shopping done during the weekdays next week to avoid too much craziness. But so far it hasnt been to bad as far as getting out with both kids, the worst for me has been being so freaking tired by the time we make it out of the house to do some shopping.

I am getting very concerned about myself these days. I have a horrible feeling my ob appt this week will bring a diagnosis of post partum depression, is it possible to be depressed and know you are? I mean I guess so, I mean somethings not right and I’m even to the point some times when I have no desire to feed the baby, and since i”m nursing that has to happen. I made Dean try to give the baby a bottle yesterday and the baby wanted nothing to do with it, which made me feel worse. I love my new son but I hate feeling tied down and I’m so tired that all I want to do is sleep, and being the only one who can feed the baby means I dont get to sleep as much as I’d like meanwhile Dean can sleep away the night. I know breastfeeding is hard and I was prepared for things to be a lot harder than they are, heck at this point with Caleb he was always getting a bottle, a mixture of pumped milk and/or formula. Boaz had formula only once while in the hospital, and then it was finger fed to him. The boy still hasnt had a pacifier. our attempts to bottle feed breastmilk yesterday were unsuccessful. I want to breastfeed really I do but I know I’m going to have to start taking migraine meds soon and maybe even meds for post partum depression, I ended up needing to after Caleb’s birth, so I know how I feel and what it may mean. So I’d rather start to prepare Boaz for bottles now, since both my drs appointments are this week at which point I could be starting migraine meds this week which means he’ll have to start taking bottles.

Dean keeps telling me I might not need to take anything and that he’s sure the dr can work with me to put me on meds that I can still nurse and take, but truth is most migraine meds aren’t safe for nursing moms and I’m aware of that. A friend told me she would take the meds and pump and discard the milk for the 8 hours afterward and then be able to nurse the baby the rest of the day. For me, if I”m going to have to give bottles and pump and throw away breastmilk it’s going to be harder on me than just going straight to formula/bottles. Sure I want what’s best for the baby but thats a lot of work and honestly at that point I’d rather just stop breastfeeding. is that bad of me? I dont know and honestly dont care. I’m not one of those moms that say you have to breastfeed and that if you choose formula you’re wrong, heck I’m dying to give the kid a bottle so I can have a break, but I also know that Boaz will be healthier with my milk than not, not to mention, nursing is free. I’m glad I’m able to nurse exclusively with him, but it’s starting to really get to me and I dont know if I’m going to be able to stick to it. I’m so torn right now and I know Dean really wants me to keep breastfeeding, but I am really starting to want to give up on it.

The boy, the big brother is having serious nightime issues. for the last week, at least he’s been waking screaming for daddy and saying the monster is going to get him. he has to have a light on and often hides under the covers. we’re trying very hard to convince him it’s all pretend, monsters and he’s starting to get it but its been very very hard on all of us. Last night Dean gave in and put his toddler bed mattress in our room, so we all slept in the same room last night and it was the first time the boy slept through the night since we’ve been home from the hospital. we’ve decided to continue to let him sleep there as long as he’s comfortable and at the longest we’ll move him back to his room when it’s time to move Boaz out of the cradle and into his room. I imagine that will be a few months, so it might be a while but if caleb’s sleeping in our room on the mattress on the floor means Dean gets to sleep through the night then I think that’s the plan we’ll stick with. Guess someone around here should get a good nights sleep. well I need to get, almsot time to feed the baby and then get an hour or two of sleep before he needs to eat again. hope everyone is having a good weekend!

Pic they took at the hospital of Boaz