Wisdom from my walk

Was doing some online searching this evening for something and came across this evening. It was timely to read and gave me hope that maybe I can get through some things going on right now in my life. Thought maybe some people who read here might benefit from reading it too. So here’s the link:
http://youngadults.ag.org/Topics/you_burythepast.cfm

Something in particular in there caught my attention, but recently in a small group conversation someone said that growing up in church she always wondered where the Joy of being a christian was. our discussion that night was about the baggage we bring with us in our lives, some of us from baggage of growing up in the church and some of us have baggage because they never went to church until they were young adults or older. so this person was talking about thinking being a Christian should be a positive thing but all of the joy of Christ got lost in all the rules and regulations their church imposed on them. Tonight I’m glad I can rely on that joy in the midst of obstacles coming at me. I’m glad that God has brought me and my family to the Community of faith we are a part of. I dont know where I’d be right now without that hope and joy, especially in times of struggling like these.

Part of being in a young adult group, and even involved in the leadership of said group, has helped me deal with the baggage that I brought with me from my past. Dean and I feel very led to help other young adults investigate their faith and realize the importance of doing this for themselves, either because they have negative baggage from growing up in church or because the didnt have any church involvement until now in their lives. Personally I know I am still feeling out my beliefs and where I stand on certain issues, over the last few years I’ve tried very hard to leave behind baggage from my past. I was doing really well and even was able to reconcile an old relationship recently and that helped me get past a lot of things and was so glad to be given another chance. I know that this relationship was reconciled mostly because I constantly prayed for years for this relationship to be healed. there was nothing I could have done to make things right other than wait and ask for forgiveness. But sometimes there is some baggage that you cant get rid of and sometimes someone pulls out that baggage and throws it at you, it’s all about what you do when that happens. I dont know what to do with some of it but I know this, right now the only thing I can do is pray and ask others to pray for peace and healing for us as we are going through some sticky stuff right now. Sorry for being so vague but I had to write. Tonight my heart was broken in a way I cant describe and yet I’ve found a joy in it, and I must thank my husband for helping remind me of that joy and for being with me through it!

Ironically, well I guess thats not the right word, but this past Sunday in church the challenge was “what are you waiting for?” or “what is God waiting on from you?” My prayer has been the same for years, for a healed/reconciled relationship w/ my father and until recently for a healed relationship with the friend I’ve been reunited with so on this past Sunday my heart was torn again for my father. Turns out today that maybe I wasnt looking deep enough, maybe I havent left all the baggage behind that I needed to in regards to my past and tonight it’s all been thrown back at me.

Sometimes our journeys are laid out for us and we know where we are going, other times we have to wait on God to show us what to do and where to go. I can only pray now that I have the wisdom to do the right thing and all I can really do is rely on my faith to get me through. I guess theres no better plan than giving it all to the Father to handle for us, so thats what we’ll do now. Wait. so for us this week I guess we dont really know what it is we are waiting for, I dont know what i want, I just know I want the pain to go away and the hurts to taken away from myself and from others who even now may be being hurt by the same things breaking my heart tonight. once again sorry for being vague, writing this is really for me at this point and I dont care if it makes sense, it’s out of my head and for now that’s all that matters. if anything just say a quick pray that I can stay strong as I handle some stress going on in my life right now. thanks

oh yeah, I really wanted to write and post about the baby today, since he’s two weeks old today, but things got a little crazy around here and I probably wont get to it til tomorrow. sorry!

The dr says I’m having a delayed allergic reaction to the adhesive they used to bandage my incision so she prescribed a steriod cream to help it get better. she said this is the 3rd case of this she’s seen recently, one patient was her sister! Since it was my regular doctor I plan to discuss this w/ my ob next week to make sure they are aware of the reaction and since the dr said it’s happened to other patients I’m going to make sure they are aware so they will consider looking into other forms of bandaging to prevent other new mommies from suffering. heck a c-section is ordeal enough, then getting almost 2 weeks from it and thinking things are going well just to end up with an insanely itchy rash from said ordeal is not fun on top of all the new mommy stresses. on a brighter note, my weight it great! I’ve lost 20 lbs in two weeks, mostly fluid and baby weight but it’s great! I’m actually 10 lbs below my pre-pregnancy weight which explains why my clothes are fitting so loosely. Now if I can just keep the weight off, guess I’ll need to avoid all these cookies and brownies I’ve been binging on lately to do that….but I’m so craving anything peanut buttery or chocolate so that will be hard. well the baby is hungry….gotta run….

Today was my due date, tomorrow the Baby turns 2 weeks old. He’s definitely “growing up”, as much as a 2 week old can. He’s alert for longer stretches of time, and when he’s alert he’s watching everything, including trying to focus on the tv. Caleb is overwhelming Boaz w/ lots of hugs and loud greetings, and as annoying as it is for him to wake up a peacefully sleeping baby, it’s also adorable to see him wanting to play w/ the baby.

i’ll post more later I just wanted to get here while I can. I’ve got a drs appt in a little while to find out what this horrible stomach rash is, I’m not really looking forward to it and am way too exhausted to even go, but seeing as Dean’s driving me I guess I’ll go. I told him I was going to cancel the appointment but his concern over my going made me keep the appointment, I know he’s worried when he actually advises me to keep appointments since he’s the king of avoiding doctors and worrying about things like this. So we’ll see, with any luck it’ll be a pointless waste of a $15 copay to find out something stupid. I’ll post either tonight or tomorrow, and I promise to get up pics of Boaz tomorrow at latest since he’ll be a 2 weeks.

Something I’d never expected post partum was extreme itching!!! I’ve got some sort of rash all over my stomach and it feels as bad and itchy as having chicken pox when I was in high school. I feel like screaming its so bad!!! meanwhile the baby has been crying for me all night, for the last 4 hours he’s nursed every hour. if he’s not nursing he’s crying if we dont hold him. I think I’m going to lose my mind!! I’m praying after this last feeding that his belly is full so I can get some sleep, if I can stop scratching my itchy belly that is! just wanted to whine a little!! thanks for listening!

We’ve had a busy weekend and I’m paying for it! Yesterday we spent the day w/ my family, mom, brother and his two kids and of course our two boys. Then last night we headed to the Harbor for the Lighted Boat Parade. The only bad thing, beside the chill in the air, was the constant firing of canons which scared Caleb and myself I”ll admit. I kept fearing the city was under attack, so we ended up watching what we could from inside the food court and eating some dinner there. It still ended up being a nice evening out. The baby slept the whole time, as he tends to be doing all of the time now. He seems to always sleep peacefully in his carseat so I guess that’s a good thing.

today was church of course then we headed to a friends house to let the kids play while we hung out. by the time we got home we were all wiped out. Too bad none of us, except Boaz, have napped. I was silly and spent time straightening up the house until I started to feel bad. I’ve run myself a little ragged this weekend and now I’m achy and tired. Oh well, tomorrow we have no plans so I’ll have plenty of time to rest.

I cant believe it but my hubby just cleaned our bathroom, for what I’d guess was longer than I would have spent in there cleaning, and I’m almost sure it’s the first time he’s ever cleaned in there. Poor guy, he’s getting the rough end of the deal lately having to do laundry and constantly keep up with Caleb. Today’s the first day I’ve really asked him to do any real cleaning as I’ve tried to keep up with it, but there was no way I was going to get the bathroom clean today, I’m hurting a little too much to try to tackle that ordeal. So while Dean finishes up the laundry and bathroom cleaning, Caleb and I are watching the Grinch who stole Christmas. I’m not big on Christmas music for weeks on end, but I must admit I love to sit and watch Christmas related movies for the whole month of December. It’s really fun to see my son enjoy some of the movies I watched as a kid. So tonight will be another evening spent watching Christmas movies and being lazy, what more could you ask for?

I spoke to soon about an easy recovery and about how breastfeeding was going. I’m sure most would say it’s my own fault for doing too much too soon, but I dont know if thats the case and dont really care. I’m hoping what I’ve got is a stomach bug but then again not becuase then it means it could be contagious and the last thing we need around this house is everyone getting sick. I’m debating calling the ob to see if I need to be worried about my symptoms but I’d like to think with it being over a week after surgery that this is just normal stomach stuff.

On top of having some incision pain off and on I’ve now got a really crampy stomach and the last thing I want is to have to hold the baby which makes it hurt more, so of course today and last night the baby decides he cant be away from me or really in truth, from my breast, so I’m not all too happy this morning. I keep threatening to give the kid a pacifier and I know Dean would hate that, but then again I just want a break. I really wanted to bottle feed the baby around 5 am but Dean was dead to the world and that would have meant my getting up out of bed and going to the kitchen so I just did the easier thing and dealt with a painful period of nursing.

I’m hoping this is all short lived and am going to avoid all food today in hopes of ridding myself of this upset stomach and of course now is when I want food. It’s so not fair sometimes. Okay, enough whining. Baby is doing well and I guess I am too, just getting down and I have to admit I’m suprised it didnt happen sooner since I had post partum depression w/ Caleb some, and I thought it was odd how happy and go lucky I was for the last week so I guess it’s catching up with me. I cant imagine how I’d be stressed or upset with all the chaos around here.

Calebs taken to adjusting to the baby is his own way which is manifesting itself in a toddler who is super aggressive and loud. He even got time out yesterday at school for pushing a friend. I was suprised but not completely since he’s been hitting the dog and even Dean and I when we try to discipline. I was dreading this part of the family dynamic, and it’s about as bad as I thought it would be. I feel like Caleb is constantly being put in time out or sent to his room and I cant handle the stress of it all. all the noise of said disputes w/ the toddler keeps the infant awake which makes him fussy which means I have to nurse him to sleep. It’s a not so fun cycle and I am not coping with it well. How can things get so bad so quickly??

I think we are all going stir crazy in the house , and I know Caleb is used to going and doing stuff all of the time, since I kept him busy pre-Boaz so I guess I set myself up for his constant questioning of “what are we going to do today”. Funny thing is I set myself up for the dissappointment of it too, I keep asking Dean what we are going to do today. Meanwhile Dean just wants to sit around playing games or searching the web and leave the rest of us to figure out something to occupy our day. Well I have to run, sounds like another episode w/ the toddler …..fun fun fun….

I have always been one to have vivid dreams, not just during pregnancy which tends to make your dreams crazy. But in general I have strange dreams and often wake up feeling like it was real. They arent always strange dreams, sometimes they are just so intense I wake up thinking it just happened. Somehow my boys have developed this gift, or sometimes I’d say it’s a curse, and it’s hard to explain it to a toddler.

A few months ago Caleb was waking w/ night terrors and sometimes was sleep walking, but that went away. This last week though he’s been waking after having dreams that seem so real to him that he asks us if we remember whatever it was that happened in his dream. We’ve been trying to tell him it’s a dream, and he seems to understand now it’s not real but I dont think he really knows what a “dream” is. I don’t doubt that Boaz is having some dreams too as these last few days I’ll catch him laughing a ton or smiling away in his sleep, it’s too cute. I wonder though what a newborn dreams about when they can’t see everything yet, so what exactly is it they see in their dreams? i wonder the same about Caleb’s dreams. I’d love to be able to get in their heads just once to get a glimpse of what is going on.

I know I had some crazy dreams these last few nights too so maybe it’s just in the air or something, but I wonder if being a dreamer is an inherited trait or if it’s truly an individual thing. Any thoughts on that anyone?