Wisdom from my walk

Boaz and his cousin, Jack( 13 months old) chilling out in the pool, 7.2.05

Caleb’s ready to go as we head to the 4th of July Parade

Boaz and my friend Karen hanging out at the parade, her little girl is due August 30th!!

We had so much fun on our night out at a wedding, it was held on the Lady Baltimore and there was a 3 hour “cruise”.

We saw this beautiful sunset while we were out cruising and enjoying catching up w/ some of Dean’s high school classmantes.

I go to bed exhausted and wake exhausted. I spend all day tired. I was doing so much better, was able to keep the kids and still have some energya t the end of the day. Things are getting worse again. I’m going to get bloodwork down tomorrow to see if my thyroid is off again, the dr was just waiting for it to change again and I think now is that time. I hate feeling like this. It’s so nice out and I barely have energy to get up and get the kids something to eat/drink. To help make matters worse Bo thinks he can pull up on any thing in his way and then let go to walk away. So I keep having to catch him. I’d hold him so he wouldnt be climbing and moving around so much but he doesnt want to be held, he wants to be moving and exploring the house. Well Bo is hungry, caleb keeps asking what we’re doing today and all I want to do is to sleep. Nothing new really.

looking forward to attending a wedding w/ my hubby tomorrow. we’ll be out for about 5 hours w/out kids. Now that I”m not nursing I might even get to enjoy a nice cold beverage of my choosing! wohoo!!! it’s going to be a fun fun night!!! better make sure I get a nice nap before we go though or I’ll be yawning and dragging then too. not that sleep at this point would help..this fatigue isnt fixable by sleep unfortunately. have a good holiday weekend everyone!!

Boaz 6.17.05

Amy & Bo 6.25.05

Caleb’s went to his first birthhday party at McDonalds, he had a ball(despite this not so nice look he has on his face)

It was Boaz’s first Mcdonalds party too!!

Holy Headache Batman!!! someone please turn off the fussy baby, grouchy toddler and the bright light from that hot sun…..arent Saturdays supposed to be fun?? I finally got Dean to go get me some aspirin now we just wait to see if it actually works for once for me.

I guess it was year ago, dont remember exactly when but we refinanced on our house. At that time our home, a 6 bedroom, 3 full bath, w/ a huge yard and driveway appraised for $130,000. Thats more than what our mortgage is for so we do have equity in the house but all of the sudden the real estate in our neighborhood is going crazy. A 2 bedroom home sold for $250,000. I know our home needs some work but not major repairs. We’re confident it if got appraised now it would be worth much more than it was when we refinanced. I keep trying to get Dean to consider selling and buying something for less than what we sell it for, even if that means having to get a house smaller than what we have. We are making the mortgage but I hate worrying each month if we’ll have enough money for everything. I keep looking at the selling prices for houses far smaller than ours and it’s insane that ours appraised for what it did. the only thing that has changed is time I guess and the prices of the houses around us.

last month they gutted and redid a house in our neighborhood and it sold for a lot. They just started the same process on a house two doors away, I can only imaging what it will sell for, and it’s smaller than ours. The guy paid $40,000 for the house and is redoing everything to turn around and sell it. I’m sure he’ll make a nice profit and with any luck it’ll help our house value go up as the prices of more houses in our neighborhood go up. If we had a few hundred bucks I’d get the house appraised again but I doubt we’ll be able to anytime soon.

I love how much room we have in our house and it would be hard to get something smaller w/ all of our crap and now two kids, but I desire for a “nicer” home. I hate the projects we can’t afford to fix and the unfinished things that need done. I am a dreamer and maybe one day I’ll get my dream home..one day….

Aside from that dream, I have something that some women dream for and it’s free, for a week or two I’m guessing. this stopping nursing thing is helping me look quite “fake” if you know what I mean. I think it’s funny, the sad part is that in the end of this process of weaning I’ll look like I got a reduction not implants. Oh well…. I’ll enjoy it while it lasts! 😉 Boaz is doing ok so far, he got kind of angry earlier when he was tired and wanted to nurse but overall he’s still a happy camper. he’s had a few bottles and is getting by. I dont look forward to bed time or even seeing if he’s going to make it through another night. last night he didnt get up til 6 and I nursed him last at 8:30 so w/ any luck he’ll do the same after taking a bottle. I sure hope so!!!

I’m still feeling bad today, I hate meds, they make me so sick. but I managed to still enjoy a kid birthday party and then we went to Micheals for a free craft event where Caleb did 4 free crafts. he really enjoyed it. The party was a classmate of Caleb’s from preschool and I really enjoyed talking w/ one of the moms. I’m glad we’re going to the playdates I’ve gotten more time to talk to her than when they were in class, mostly because I was pregant and then had a newborn. Now it’s much easier for me to have time to chat. but if I felt better that would be even better….

hope everyones having a good weekend.

Around 8:30 pm I nursed Boaz for the last time for at least 5 days. I started a different antibiotic shortly after that nursing that wont allow me to nurse him for at least 5 days. I figure at the end of that time he wont want to nurse anymore #1 because he’s going to hate me and #2 he’ll be used to the bottles. I have cried several times today at the loss of this special time I’ve shared w/ boaz, a bond I never got to share w/ Caleb. I dont think this bond makes me any closer or any more in love w/ him than I was in love w/ Caleb at this age, and I know I love them both equally (although its much easier to love a child who doesnt talk back and yell at you). Someone asked me if it’s different, if I recognize a difference in my attachment to Bo since he was nursed and Caleb wasnt. I honestly dont. I’m sure thats mostly because I’ve had so many health problems and for me nursing was out of the neccessity to keep paying formula expenses not out of a dire desire to. I went into this thinking it wouldnt happen and 7 months and several attempts/desires to stop cold turkey I am at this place again. but I took the blue pill(ok it was really a white pill, but you know what i mean) and there’s no going back, at least for the next 24 hours. I am glad it’s a weekend and that Dean is here to help for the first 2 days of this major adjustment. I’m sure Bo will do fine, I’m scared of how long it will take for my body to adjust to not nursing, I dont look forward to this for many many reasons.

Reasons I am excited to stop nursing:

wearing my old pretty bras(selfish I know)

Wearing dresses

getting out alone w/out being afraid the child wont eat

getting treatment for my other health conditions w/out fear of their affect on my nursing Boaz

Things I will miss:

the look Bo gets when he sees me getting ready to nurse him

having him fall asleep so close to me

I’m going to get too emotional…so enough for now….

I am really feel bad too so I”m off to bed. Didnt want to not write about this milestone night……Boaz please forgive me for being sick and having to stop nursing you, I love you and I know you will understand, but please go along w/ the game plan, at least for the first 5 days!!!!!