Wisdom from my walk

Yesterday at church our friend Jason gave the message. It was about “joy” and his definition was enjoying life. Some days I can say I truly enjoy my life and the pleasures I get from being a SAHM to two adorable and smart little boys. Some days I wonder why I ever thought having kids or growing up at all was a good idea. Then there are the days when I cant enjoy anything because I feel so bad. On those days I try hard to find the joy in things but I find it’s easier to revert to the bitter angry Amy who is made at the world and at her body for being this way.

Today is a mix of all of those things. Caleb has a runny nose and sounds worse than he’s acting and says he feels fine. Kids, he will rarely complain even when he is really sick. Boaz has been content following Caleb from room to room but I’m getting bored of having to keep being on his heels to keep him out of trouble and to keep things out of his mouth. I’m going between being too tired to do anything to desperately trying to entertain the kids with something, anything that’s not watching tv. Luckily today Boaz napped for a decent amout of time so I got some time to work with Caleb on his writing his letters and some math. We even went outside and played in the sprinkler while Bo napped. I find so much joy in being able to just sit here and watch my boys be boys. To watch my little angel crawl (faster now even than he did yesterday! ) to find any sort of plug or tv remote or video game controller that he sees. To watch Caleb make his brother laugh and try to help him get around.

I keep wavering what to do next, in so many areas of my life. I was actually sad this week when after what seemed like way too many days late we realized I wasnt pregnant again. I know it’s not a good idea to even consider getting pregnant again but a part of me desperately wants to get on with life, to finish growing this family while I still can. Then the other part of me has my hand on the phone ready to dial my neurologist and give in to defeat. I”m done waiting and I”m done being miserable. I got my labwork results(in record time, I got the lab work done Saturday at 11 am – they closed shortly after that) and my thyroid levels are normal. All that means is that the way I’m feeling isnt from that. So it’s back to what to do. Do I wait til September for my next follow up with the specialists or do I call and tell them that I’m done nursing and that I’m ready to find out what the next step is in diagnosing and treating things. I want the joy in my life to outweigh the illness and worry. I have been struggling to make this happen, to keep myself and the kids so busy doing fun things that I dont have time to notice how bad I’m really doing. I dont know if it’ s a good plan but when the drs last orders were to wait it out and hope things magically go away then I guess my plan works well! now if I could figure out when things will just magically go away…well then that might be nice!

To enjoy life. I can honestly say I am mostly enjoying my life, but I will say I’m not able to feel fulfilled because I dont want to get used to feeling like and I dont think I should have to. I know it’s possible to live a full life and have health problems and I’m doing pretty good right now it’s just that I really want a break. A break from illness and worrying about what is going to happen in the future in my life because of it.

I want to start planning a better future for myself and the kids but I feel like I cant because I dont know what’s around the next bend healthwise for me. I hate the unknown. I filled out a FASFA last week to see what kind of financial possibilities there are for me to go back to college in the fall. That’s just one thing I want to do to figure out my future. Others include figuring out what type of ministry Dean and I will be involved in and where that will be, whether we’ll have more children now or later, whether we’ll stay in this house for another 5 years or look for something else.

Today I find joy in the fact that more bloodwork came back normal. It doesnt explain how I feel or the fact that months ago tests diagnosed me w/ thyroid disease it just means that for today there’s nothing left to do. Another month of waiting it out. I guess it’s good to take joy in the little things especially when you dont know what the big picture is or will be. I”m blessed and am grateful that I’ve escaped another month of having to start meds for my condition. I just wish they would figure out what else is going on and diagnose the rest of this mess going on with me. I’ll take this for today and I’ll wait it out some more but I admit it will be hard sometimes to find the joy in this battle. I know that there is a time for struggles and a time for joy I just wish it didnt seem like there were so many times of struggling my life.

Caleb and Boaz 7.8.05

Boaz showing off his first pair of shoes. I got them on sale at Children’s place, they were too cute to pass up.

Around Easter I started to not feel well again with new symptoms unrelated to my PTC. It’s made it so that I cant exercise without feeling even worse. I want so much to get back to the gym but I cant handle how it makes me feel. I know “no pain no gain” but the way I feel after exercising is not good. I read the signs on the machines that say “stop if you feel pain or faint” Those are the least of my symptoms while working out! I wish I knew how to deal with this. Meanwhile Dean’s getting back on track with his exercise regime and I wish I could join him. I know I get plenty of exercise toting around the baby and taking care of the kids all day especially on days we walk to the park or go swimming. But it’s not enough. I have goals and I just cant attain them without strict exercise. As I sit here I feel bad, it’ s no wonder I havent gotten myself to the gym, I cant even sit here and type or do much without feeling this way. It’s annoying and I am really wishing there was something to do or that we at least knew what was causing me to feel this way so that the drs could help. Just needed to vent today. I think I’m going to make myself go to the gym and talk to a trainer next week so I can at least try to do some simple things so I’m not doing anything as far as working out goes. I am just so afraid working out will make it worse, but then again after cleaning the house and doing laundry all day I usually feel as bad as I do after exercising so I guess I should just go work out!

The downside to two kids and one of them being a teething infant is no break for momma. Some days, they will nap at the same time for at least 45 then one will be up while the other still sleeps. Boaz this week has barely napped at all. We knew he was cutting one tooth as we could feel the ridges. As of today there are now two teeth sprouting on the bottom of his gums and he’s not too thrilled about it. he’s been quite loud about letting us know it hurts and that he’s upset about it. Caleb was never a fussy teether. Bo apparently is. I’m sure he’s better than some babies because for the most part he does ok , it’s just at nap times when he seems to get upset the most about it. He’s also decided food isnt his fav thing this week. well he’s throwing a fit again so gotta run, as long as Caleb keeps sleeping through his crying then I guess it wont be so bad. I just really want a day off!!!

Caleb’s “box car” that we made this morning. boaz slept til after 9 am so I took advantage of that time to fun stuff w/ Caleb. He’s so excited about it that he keeps wanting to play with it even though the paint is still wet!

Girl Baby shower cake, 7.6.05

Baby shower cake(without writing, 7.6.05

Karens shower was a lot of fun. She got a lot of great stuff! I’m hoping to be able to help her get the baby’s room painted and ready soon, maybe even this weekend.

I ended up having to keep Boaz w/ me during the shower so Dean could go run errands to figure out what to do about our car problems but he had fun with all of the women oohing and aahing over him. He’s already a flirt! Boaz fell asleep in my lap only to have my cell phone ring moments later and then he was wide awake again. but that helped him sleep better last night, although he was up babbling through the night neither Dean or I had to get up with him. I finally got up to get him at 7:10 am! It was sooo nice! then I managed to get him back asleep again and then Caleb was awake. Bo is still sleeping though, this dreary weather helps I’m sure! I’d love to be still sleeping myself!

My boys are growing up so fast. In almost a month my eldest will be 4. today at the Y he jumped in the pool a zillion times like a big kid. he even ventured in without his float and was just able to walk around and play in the 3 foot section. He had a ball practicing going under water and waving at me.

Meanwhile the little guy, now 7 1/2 months old, who has decided he will nap no more than 30 minutes so is rambling at me to save him from the play pen. Why is he in the play pen? Because he was napping and after that I got him up and after he peed all over during a diaper change I had to put him someplace Boaz proof. He’s now crawling and proved so by going from one room to another today to follow his big brother. he can pull up on just about anything and thinks he should be able to let go. he cruises along the couch then will sit down and crawl off to find something fun, usually anything electronic is his thing (just like his daddy and big brother). the biggest change for Boaz this week is he’s finally sprouting a tooth!! Been teething forever and finally you can feel and see the ridges of a tooth. yes only a single tooth but I noticed today some white starting to pop out on top too so it wont be long. many have noted that he’ll be walking soon since he’s so mobile and strong, and despite Dean’s belief that he’d walk before getting teeth he’s actually not be toothless and walking. he is well onto his way to walking and has tried to stand up w/out holding on to things and gets halfway up and changes his mind. he can also get into a sitting position from just about any other position, from crawling, laying down, standing…he’s one smart cookie. well he’s mad that he cant go beyond the walls of the playpen so I must go rescue superbaby.

it’s been a challenging week for us for a lot of reasons. our car is on the fritz, Dean’s carpool buddy is out of town all week, the money is getting tight and I’ve had lots to keep me busy on top of feeling bad. I’m stressed and so is Dean. The kids are doing great though so that’s the important part. well he’s (bo) is really get mad at the playpen so gotta run.