Wisdom from my walk

I know that I need to update, with more than just pics but I just dont know what to say. I’ve been keeping myself and the kids busy and managed to avoid deep connections with friends(meaning more than just brief chats) all week. I get in these ruts sometimes and I know it, I just wish I could put my finger on what it is exactly nagging at me. we had a busy weekend, and have been doing a lot of fun stuff as a family all week. I think I’m focusing inward on the kids more than usual, I mean not that I wasnt before but I”m trying harder to be more aware of how we are spending our time, not so much in front of the tv more doing things.

Monday we went to Ocean City, Dean took the day off of work. It was really great. The last time I was there was the summer of 97 and I went w/ my best friend and his family. I was dating Dean at the time so it makes for an interesting story. One major memory from that trip was calling Dean on a pay phone, somehow he’s always been the “one” even when I was with other guys. The year before that I went to Ocean City with my boyfriend at the time, suprisingly what I remember most about that trip was being sick. I had a cold or something and we were camping in the heat on Assateague Island and the place was swarming w/ misquitos. I dont remember much details from the trip but being sick, go cart riding, and a fun night on the beach. The year before that I dont remember going to the Ocean but the year before that was a milestone in that we went as a family, my mom step dad brother and we each got to take a “date” I was a freshman, well it was between freshman and sophmore year. What’s this pointing to? Most of my memories of the Ocean are of spending it with different guys! It makes me sound like a horrible person, but folks it was high school and thats just what you do right??

So this trip on Monday was my first trip there w/ Dean and to top it off our first w/ our kids. We’d been to Virginia Beach together but this was the first time to someplace that held memories for us before we were together. I loved being there with my family, and Dean kept saying how happy he was to be there spending the day with us. I love my hubby and I am so grateful that we are together. This year will be our 7th wedding anniversary. I cant believe it’s been that long. The years pass so seamlessly, throw in a few kids and time really flies.

I think I’ve been so quiet here all week because my brain is working overtime. Processing a lot of thoughts and feelings. We went to our old church on Sunday and it was interesting. we went to lunch w/ some friends who go there. We’ve been talking a lot (dean and I) about where we “belong” ministry wise. Dean feels strongly called to serve in the “city” but we have been going to a church in the suburbs since we moved here from Ohio, mostly because it’s the first church that met our needs. We’ve been talking about what we need to be doing to figure out what we are being called by God to do and where that is and what it will look like. I heard some things on Sunday that I needed to hear that I think I needed to be removed from our current setting to “get” it. One major thing being getting over the past and moving forward. I have a tendency to reflect too much on our past and get stuck in those thoughts and feelings. I’ve got a lot of junk in my past and it’s good to be able to remember things but it’s also good to forget them sometimes. I love filling my life my new memories, like the ones I’m making this week with my family. Last night we attended a family fun night at our current church, it was a lot of fun, but I felt a little “outside” mostly my own doing becuase of how I’ve been feeling, I mean I was constantly talking to people,even with some close friends. I guess I’ve just been trying to distance myself this week and I see why now. I find it hard to cope with things internally and deal with life that’s going on at the same time. I cant do both, be reflective and processing things and living life. I guess I just cant multi task my emotions!!!

dean’s taking Caleb on a father/son camping trip this weekend. I’m spending some time w/ a friend, we’re going to try to make a larry boy cake(veggietales) completely freehand without any instructions! (for her nephew’s birthday party sunday) Other than that I am somewhat looking forward to some quiet time, well with bo but mostly quiet. but I have a feeling I am going to miss Dean! In fact the thought of him being gone all weekend saddens me, I love having weekends together as a family. I know I am spoiled to have so much time w/ my family but I wouldnt have it any other way. Well I need to get moving this morning…just felt the need to let some of these thoughts out.

My boys and I at the beach

bo’s first time at the beach, Ocean City 2005

bo enjoying the beach

Dean & Amy Ocean City

Dean & the boys

July 18th, 2005

Bo fell asleep after we got him rinsed off from the sand and he slept on my chest until I tried to put him down a long while later!

Caleb & Bo at the beach

FREE chick Fil a food!!! tomorrow Caleb will be dressed up like a cow to celebrate Cow Appreciation day ! check it out!! I’ll put pics up after the event. Hoping to get pics of lots of little kids in cow costumes as we’re heading to a kid event at the mall and they told us to dress up for this so hoping other parents get into it too!! heck for free food I”m trying to think what I have w/’ black and white spots!!!

Ok, so it’s not really a cow costume but I’m sure they’ll let it pass for one. He’s wearing a lamb costume w/ the cowboy jacket from a woody(toy story) costume. All I know is that he sure looks cute!

It was a blustery day…no it really wasnt. In fact when we left for the store there were spots where the sun was fighting to break through the clouds. I was mad that we didnt try to go to the park because it had only drizzled then was nice again. So we went into the grocery store to get some things and when we came out it had gotten dark and cloudy and it was drizzling. By the time we got to our car it was pouring. Caleb managed to get himself into the car without being too wet. by the time I got Bo unbuckled from the cart and in the car he was crying and he was pretty wet. Then I had to manage to get the groceries loaded while my glasses were covered in water. When I got myself into the car finally Caleb told me I was dripping wet, I was soaked. All over. I sat down and luckily had a beach towel in the car and dried myself off some. As I put the car into reverse the sun came out and the rain stopped. You can only guess how mad I was.

Shortly before going to the store I managed to finally get Boaz to take a nap and had some time to (without interruption) feed Caleb and myself lunch. Suprised that Bo wasnt up yet I squeezed in a shower and was impressed at my good hair day. Right now I look a mess. I dried my hair but it’s still a mess and since I’ve started cleaning the house since suprise again the boys napped for about 30 minutes of the same time. Bo woke up and has been crawling around following me from room to room. he just ended up playing w/ stuff in Calebs room and when Caleb woke from nap he was so happy to greet his brother! Well back to the grind and trying to get the rest of the housework done with the kids awake and running….

Earlier this week Caleb had a runny nose. No fever no other symptoms. Last night I started having a sore throat. We put Bo to bed at 8:20. he was awake every 2-3 hours all night long. I was tired before that long night!! Bo’s teeth have already cut through so it’s not teething related. he’s coughing and keeps having poopy diapers. Looks like the day is going to be as long as the night was! So far Bo has no fever and I’m praying it stays that way. Now he’s acting tired and I’m sure he is but part of me wants to keep him from napping too much today so he’ll sleep tonight. Yesterday was one of the first days this week that Bo slept well during the day and he was up all through the night. but I really dont think the two go together since he’s truly not feeling well. Poor little thing, chances are he slept so well yesterday during the day because he wasnt feeling well. And even then he slept in my arms for a long time yesterday which means he’ll probably needhis bed propped up for him to sleep comfortably. the joy of having kids….little sleep and demanding days…..

Ugh…I’ve spent the last hour searching the classified ads for a job that I can possibly do (evenings/weekends) and come up with nothing. There were some I could apply for that were FT but I’m sure we couldnt afford childcare so what would be the point. We’ve been getting by but with the added expense of formula since I’ve stopped nursing it’s getting harder. Not to mention this boy eats some baby food!! I know it will get easier the older he gets when he can eat what we eat but for now it’s getting to be insane. I hate to make Dean get a second job although he says he would if we have to. I keep thinking if he does that we’ll never get any time together and the kids will never see him. I hate this!!

we’ll get by, somehow we always do, but things arent looking so hot. It doesnt help that i know in August we’ve got 3 drs appts that will require copays and Caleb’s birthday party. So much to think about. I guess at least I’m thinking about budgeting for it now or else we’d really be in sorry shape next month. All we can do is pray that once again the bills will be met and that we’ll have enough money to feed us and to get baby food and diapers. God always provides, I just get so scared looking at our check book.

well Bo is demanding help. he wakes up from a short nap then gets mad at me that he’s still tired. Meanwhile Caleb’s been asleep for a nice long time. Gotta get….

My hubby has been waking up around 6 am, if not earlier,( I dont know all I know is that I am trying to sleep) to go to the Y to exercise. I’m so proud of him, I know he’s not a morning person and I know it’s hard for him. I feel even worse because for the last few night he’s gotten up through the night to feed and put Bo back to sleep. Last night I didnt even know Bo had been up, or Dean for that matter. I have been so tired and for once I slept through the night. Poor Deaner is barely getting 6 hours of sleep and he’s the one who has to get up and go to work. He’s doing well considering. here I am getting about 6 hours of sleep and struggling to get through the day.

I did about 30 minutes on the treadmill at the Y last night while the boys went swimming there. It wasnt so bad but I felt horrible the higher my heart rate got and after ward the tingling and headache were horrible. Today I’m not feeling so hot but I figure I was feeling bad before trying to exercise so I guess it shouldnt matter. I cant sit by and watch Dean get all fit and try to be healthy as I just struggle with getting through the day. I am going to try to at least do some cardio exercises every day then if I can handle that better then I’ll start doing the circuit like I was before. I want so much to lose weight and be healthier, as healthy as I can be considering everything. We’ll see how it goes. Today all I want to do is sleep but I cant. I think we’re going to Marley to see a free movie and then coming home for an early nap. Both kids were up much earlier than usual, I was up and showered before 7(it’s no wonder I’m so tired when we go to bed late and get up early on top of the health stuff) I am praying Bo will nap this afternoon for once, I really need some down time. Gotta go grab Bo, he’s about to pull the pots and pans down onto his head in the kitchen…..geez, I liked it better when he couldnt get around!