Wisdom from my walk

I found my wallet!! wohoo!!! That’s all folks..that and well Mrs. Smith’s apple pie is oh so yummy; especially when you get it on sale too! I didnt like the dinner I made but that pie that I put in the oven and smelled for an hour…now that was worth the work! 😉 Caleb also discovered his love for apple pie. Poor thing kept asking if it was ready yet, I mean it smelled heavenly baking and I dont blame him but the boy has never eaten apple pie. I’m sure we’ve tried to get him to but he has always been picky about his snacks. He ate a whole slice then wanted more! he told me I make good pie…of course I told him thanks! heck he’s 4 I”ll take any compliments to my baking that I can get! Pie is one thing I can not make well so if he thinks the store bought kind is good then thats fine w/ me; since it’s the only kind he’ll ever get from me1

Bah! My wallet is missing….last had it at the store yesterday; now it’s nowhere to be found. Dean said he’ll look when he gets home. I have little hope that it’s here. I remember having it sitting on the stroller while shopping yesterday all I can think is it fell out while I was loading up the car with the kid and stuff. I’m more frustrated that I cant run to the store now becuase I have no cash or credit cards. oh well….maybe dean will find it for me later. good thing I dont really need anything right now; and that I realized it was missing before being in line at the store to pay! 😉

Some days are just better than others. Dean has been taking Caleb to school in the mornings and that has been so nice, but I still end up getting sick in the morning despite my staying home. I guess its good I’m not getting sick while walking him to school! Yesterday Dean had to come home around the time we have to pick Caleb up from school to get our car(he carpools and his ride was leaving early so he was coming to get our car so he had a way home) so I convinced him to go get Caleb for me so I could put Bo down for a nap more easily. So yesterday I managed to not have to go to the school at all….oh so nice! On top of that Bo slept through the night last night!

I should be nice and rested today right? Nope, I woke up feeling like I hadnt slept at all and have been sick most of the morning. I wish I could figure out why some days I feel worse than others but theres no way to so I sit here praying Bo takes a nap this morning, yesterday he only took an afternoon nap. We’ll see what happens. I feel yucky and just want to crawl back into bed….with any luck he’ll nap and I can shower then take some time to rest…at least I’m praying it goes that way!!

So we’ve decided we cant afford to do a big deal birthday party for Bo so we’re just doing immediate family and maybe a few friends, which is sad because for Caleb’s first birthday we had a huge deal party with everyone, including all extended aunts/uncles and so on. Bo’s birthday will always be harder because its so near the holidays and we like to go visit Ohio for Thanksgiving so my goal is every year to do his birthday early in November so it’s away from the holidays and so I can be done with it and then get into the holiday mindset. I had found a blues clues pan on clearance awhile ago so I got it and found some 1st birthday stuff w/ blue on them so that is our theme. Since Caleb will need to dress up for Halloween at school I have been trying to figure out what to dress him up as. So while searching on Ebay and winning Bo a Blue’s clues costume, I got the smart idea to make Bo Blue and Caleb can be Steve or Joe. But apparently the steve type shirts on ebay are going for a lot so I have to see if we can afford to do that or not. Bo’s outfit should be here in about a week! So the plan is to have him wear it for Halloween and then he can sport it for his blues clues birthday party, well not really party but small get together is more like it. I was thinking it would be hard to do a Nov. party but now I think if I use whatever Bo’s halloween costume is as the theme for his birthday it will be cool. Get to use his costume for more than just Halloween thus making me feel like the money was well spent since I’m not big into Halloween. So I hope I can find a steve/joe outfit for Caleb reasonably. Let me know if you have any ideas!!

I planned on making peanut butter cookies this afternoon w/ Caleb while Bo napped and had the ingredients in the bowl and when I turned on the mixer it wouldnt start. I tried as many outlets as possible to make sure it wasnt a power issue there so I guess now my mixer has died. I admit lately it has seemed to be on the dying side, making odd noises, and we all know how much I bake and thus “mix” things up. I’ve never killed a mixer before though. Just another thing we’ll need to buy, at least this one will be cheap, although I’ve been wanting to get a new one since my friend bought me an expensive mixing bowl set that has been getting scratched up w/ my metal mixer so this time I hope to get one w/ a “gentler” plastic attachment to keep my nice bowls from getting ruined. I hated making cookies without my mixer. I guess it’s good I dont have anything I need a mixer for anytime soon, as long as these cookies fill my sweet cravings for a few days!

On Friday night we went to chuck E Cheese as a “prize” for Caleb getting the right amount of stickers on his performance calendar. then on Saturday we went to Sesame Place to use the second day on our 2 day passes that we got over the summer w/ my MIL. Bo loved the characters and Caleb loved getting treats as part of their Halloween Countdown scavenger hunt. We got in late yesterday and we were all exhausted. Here’s some pics of our weekend and of Caleb’s shape costume we made, not pictured is a rain stick type thing we made w/ a paper towel roll that was decorated w/ shapes, it was pretty cool too.

Boaz, Sept.30th

Boaz enjoying Sesame Place

Boaz loved all of the life size Sesame characters and loved this Countdown to Halloween Show!

Sesame Street Show

Dean and Caleb on the teacup ride

This is Caleb sporting the shape “costume” we made.

I’ve had a hard time eating, or wanting to eat, and most of all of keeping food down that I make myself eat so this kid will keep growing inside of me. Every other Thursday we have life group and we all bring part of the meal for dinner and eat together. I love that part of Thursdays, or I did. Last night nothing was appealing to me, and I did try to eat some things but immediately felt ill. I was hungry too, it was just that everything makes me feel like throwing up. I sat away from the group and when asked why I told them I was staying away from the food! Several made comments that it will get better, yeah sure if you my pregnancies were normal. Then of course the comments that ” I never got sick when pregnant.”

A friend said that she knew it was because God would never give her something she couldnt handle and that’s why she had an easy pregnancy. Dean joked along the lines that Amy can handle it and that’s why God let her deal with it. I said yeah unfortunately I can handle too much and that’s why I suffer. but it’s really not true, not really. I dont like being sick. I dont think it’s fair that because I sit by and take it that that means I’m stronger because of it. In fact I feel very weak because of the things I’ve been dealt with in my life. My mom commented a few days ago that she gives me a lot of credit for keep going and feeling the way I do. I feel weak and helpless. yes I get through everyday and somedays suprise myself with just how much I do despite constant trips to the bathroom for various reasons and feeling constantly fatigued or ill. I get by because I have no choice. i have two kids to take care of, a hubby to care for and a house that needs tending. I dont do this becuase I am strong enough to, I do it because it’s life. this is what I was dealt with and I’m doing the best I can to deal with it day by day. this has meant not doing much socially or even keeping up with my friends because honestly I’m barely getting by.

People see more in me than I do in myself. they think highly of me because despite throwing up and hating food I did what I had to to prepare a dessert for yesterdays meal. because daily I do things that they say they never would if they felt like I do. but if you were in my shoes you’d learn quickly to get over yourself to be able to do what needs done. what I see is the truth, I’m miserable and sick and almost wish I wasnt pregnant. but if I werent pregnant it would be something else I’m sure making me ill.

My 7th year wedding anniversary is a month away, of these 7 years I’ve been sick in some way for at least 4 maybe even closer to 5 of those years; at least. I cant beleive that my hubby (of almost 7 years) said that I can handle it and thats why God lets me, he should know better than anyone how weak I am and how I struggle everyday. I’m not strong folks, dont think that I am. Inside I’m miserable and wishing I could be like you who said you had great pregnancies. will I be stronger in the end, yes I can say in some ways after years of dealing with different health issues I am better able to deal with things that come along, but I’m not strong because I do what needs done despite what life throws at me. I’m a mere woman who’s trying to get by and take care of herself and her family, really if it were you you’d learn to do the same. In fact I wish it was someone other than me…I’m so sick of being sick. I’ve got many months to go and this is just the beginning. so much to look forward to!!!

Dear Baby E,

I know that mommy is busy caring for Boaz and Caleb and that it may seem like I dont pay attention to you but I’d rather recognize your prescence during times that dont involve my hovering over the toilet. So if you could just be patient and give mommy a break I’d be very appreciative. I might even throw in some ice cream for you!

I really do love you Baby E, but I’m tired and would really like to enjoy a meal once in a while so please learn to like things other than salad! I know your brothers taught you well in utero and now you’re just doing as they did, but mommy is doing her best. I hope you are getting enough to eat and that you are growing strong. I am pretty sure I can feel your movements already and look forward to the day when your daddy can too.

Your brothers are growing a lot and I know you can hear them playing all around you. They will love you as much as daddy and I do. We are glad to have you joining our family and cant wait to meet you.

w/ love, your Mom