Wisdom from my walk

An interesting thought for today; I’ve mentioned it before but when we get together for our life group we have a potluck dinner. everyone choses something from a list of what to bring, we generally have 2 main dishes, a side dish or two, salad, bread and dessert. A few weeks ago everyone commented when I made calzones and was sick w/ morning sickness really badly and i journaled on that then. the past few times one couple has supplied a main dish and once had some pasta w/ shrimp or something I think and then tonight shrimp and steak kabobs. the irony is the women in the couple who offers to do so is allergic to shrimp. She cant even touch it or touch the utensils that have touched the shrimp. So her hubby does the shrimp part and she the other ingredients. Everyone raves about their food, it’s always so good! Yet she cant even enjoy it! i made this chicken corn chowder recipe and I cant eat corn and didnt end up eating much of dinner at all except bread and dessert (mmm peanut butter pie that my best friend made). It made me question why we do what we do for others. Why do we feel compelled to go out of our way to make things we know others will deeply enjoy when either we cant enjoy it due to health reasons or we just plain dont like it? it’s ana interesting thought, it all comes down to motives I guess. i just think it’s so cool that she would make something she knows others enjoy so much even though she knew there was nothing in it for her, she wouldnt even get to taste one bite of it. Indeed I know what I made was because I thought it was a good cool night potluck type of food and turned out everyone loved it but I knew full well I wasnt going to eat it, I went expecting to eat whatever else everyone else brought but turned out there wasnt anything appetizing to me other than bread and of course dessert. I mean I know I’ve heard it said that if the chef wont eat it then something must be wrong with it but in some cases it just might be that the chef enjoyed seeing others enjoy it so much that they were satisfied enough. I just think it’s neat the sacrifice she made to prepare tonights part of the meal. I dont know, made me kind of understand why everyone keeps being amazed at me for making the things I do when I cant enjoy it, guess it gave me a little perspective. I guess I didnt think much of it when it was something I did just because it’s what I do, but to look at someone else at wonder the same things they do about me gave me something to think about.

yesterday other than being tired I wasnt feeling that bad. then today I threw up before Dean even had Caleb to school. I was quite sick right before heading out to group tonight and even considered staying home. I wish I could figure out what makes some days so bad and others not so bad. I’d love to figure out how to beat this morning sickness and throwing up. I was just thinking it was getting a little better, then today it’s back to being horrible again. At least the peanut butter pie made my day much better! who needs real food, the baby can thrive and grow on ice cream and cookies and pie right? 😉

sorry if some of this post isnt coherent I’m really not feeling that grand and should be in bed….I cant figure out why I cant think straight must have something to do with my eyes not staying open ….

bo kept us up a lot last night, mostly because Dean and I differed on giving him a bottle to get him back to sleep. that’s a whole different post, lets just say Dean slept on the couch because I told him to leave me alone and didnt want to argue about a bottle at 2 am. So he said he did that so he wouldnt be tempted to talk to, all I know is I ended up sleeping with Caleb in our bed because I guess he got up to go potty and saw Dean gone and took his spot. In the end Bo got a bottle, and drank it all then went back to sleep.

Bo’s been off his schedule for a week or so now, I cant get him to nap at his normal nap times and I just dont know what’s up with it. Some days he wont nap at all. then some days he takes two good 1 hour plus naps. So today we went to walmart early and bo slept in the car a lot. so I assumed he wouldnt need a nap although i tried to settle him in when we got back just in case. No luck. Instead he falls asleep shortly after noon, without eating his lunch first even. He’s still asleep and I”m guessing I’ll wake him up when it’s time to get Caleb then come home and feed him lunch and caleb a snack. I intended to give Caleb a nap this afternoon since we have plans to be out past bedtime tonight and that both boys would nap this afternoon so I could too. looks like now at least Bo will be up, but who knows, maybe he’s tired from his rough night last night. I hate not knowing when he’s going to nap it throws my whole day off. But I got to thinking and I vaguely remember a friend saying around a year their daughter moved from 2 naps to one and that one nap is from 12-2. So maybe that’s what Bo is trying to do, get a true midday nap. All I know is I like two naps a day better! It was great, picking up Caleb coming home putting Bo to bed for nap and getting one on one time w/ Caleb to read, do his homework, play….I know things will really change when baby E arrives but I assumed I’d still have some quiet time with caleb during the day. We’ll see, maybe Bo’s sleep is just off due to teething or something.

next week is Calebs first field trip w/ this school and I have a sitter lined up for Bo so I can be w/ Caleb for his first school bus ride and the field trip. I am looking forward to it, although I remember going there last year and the day was so cold and windy, hopefull this year will be different, but today’s pretty cool so I’m guessing next week will be too. So nothing exciting going on around here, just trying to figure out this parenting two kids thing, then before long we’ll have to figure out parenting 3 kids, oh so much to look forward to!

I stayed up last night thinking about the baby and for some reason my mind went to thinking about how the baby will arrive, via my 3rd c-section. I’m seriously considering asking my ob to put me to sleep for the surgery if it means I wont have to experience the spinal or the unpleasant effects of the meds like I did during my first two c-sections. Mind you my recovery from the surgery itself was pretty easy considering, it’s the actual experience I dread. The spinal tap for one and then the non stopping shaking that I do all through the surgery then they wisk the kid away and I dont get to see him for a few hours. So why not just let me sleep through all of that unpleasantness, it’s not like I’ve ever bonded w/ my other babies in the first few hours of life and seems like the other two still like me. I am seriously going to ask my ob about this at my next appt not sure what Dean will think as we havent talked about it, but I dont think I can take it all over again. Heck it’s months away and it’s already causing me to lose sleep. I really never enjoyed seeing my baby for a minute then having it taken away, heck with caleb I dont even remember the first time I saw him thats how screwed up I was. then theres how long it takes me, longer than the normal person of course, to regain feeling in my limbs after the surgery. My body just doesnt take well to drugs and I’d rather not live through it if I can avoid it. I am seriously dreading the birth of this child, just because of how bad things have been with the first two. I mean I cant wait to see my baby and I love it but it’s the how it arrives that I cant handle. so call me a wimp but really if I could try to deliver this baby normally, non surgically I would jump on the chance. I’ve had my share of needles, spinals, and surgeries to last me until I’m old and gray, unfortunately I know there will be more before that happens.

I ended up going to see my ob today cause I’ve been not feeling very well, somehow the dr didnt realize it wasnt a routine appt but one of those call the day of and pray someone will see you deals, so she did all the routine normal ob appt stuff including doing a check w/ the u/s for the heartbeat since they had been having trouble finding it before. she said that it would be hard to see since my bladder was empty but had I known she’d be doing it I would have asked for some water after giving my “sample”. So I quickly glimpsed the baby and she showed me it when it moved. She didnt count the heartbeats but it was enough for me! I go again in 2 weeks for my normal appointment. I thought it was odd she did the u/s because of the hassle to get my last one done, and if I get a bill for it they’ll hear about it. I’m guessing they just send you somewhere else to get complete u/s and that since it was just a quickee that they wont charge me for it.

I am excited to have lost 2 lbs since my appt two weeks ago. I thought it was strange I had already gained 4 lbs as of the last appt since w/ my first two I never gained til the third trimester so now w/ having lost 2 of those lbs. I have only gained 2 lbs since the beginning, that doesnt sound so bad to me! I know I shouldnt be concerned w/ weight during pregnancy but when you’re already overweight every pound makes a difference! That and like I said I dont usually gain this early so it was new to me! I’ve been wearing my old clothes, the ones I wore before I lost all the weight and they are so big on me. the smaller sized clothes I had bought when I lost so much weight fit but were too uncomfy and since I went down 2 sizes the i never bought the middle size, which I need now! So I’m wearing the 2 sizes too big clothes and it looks horrible! Shirts arent so bad but my pants are all too big, which is nice so I have room to grow but they look horrible while I am too small for them. I hate the inbetween sizes of pregnancy. but I am glad they dont fit becuase that proves I’m still doing better than I was weight wise!

Bo is walking quite well these days and Caleb can write his name and a bunch of other letters. He can even write them without seeing them first, most of them anyway. He’s got a lot of friends in his class and it seems he quite popular even; all of the kids talk to him and call out to him when he walks by. I’m hoping this means he wont have as bad an experience in school as I did as a child, being an outcast and made fun of. Dean of course said this means he’ll be the one making fun of other kids but I dont think it’s in his personality, he cares too much for other people and i dont think he’ll purposefully hurt another kid, at least not for a while! Well Bo needs help calming down for bed so gotta run. I’ve been extremely tired and generally not feeling well but at least now I know the baby is ok and I’ll get back some labwork either tomorrow or the next day which will hopefully help figure out what’s wrong. if it’s not these things I am afraid it will be the beginning of starting my diabetic diet, I am supposed to start daily finger sticks after my appt in 2 weeks so I hope that it’s not that! but at least w/ starting finger sticks early I might be able to avoid meds this time. I just wish i didnt feel so bad; I’d love to have the second trimester energy that is supposed to happen……

I highly recommend Johnny and the Sprites to moms and kids alike. I have always had a thing for guys who could sing and my god that man can sing. At first I thought for sure he was the guy from Rent, he’s got a very similar voice to the guy who was in Rent when we saw it. I told Dean last night as we watched the first episode that I could watch that show all day just to hear him sing. I am suprised I didnt marry a man w/ a killer singing voice cause it truly is something I adore! but Dean’s got some other great qualities….;-)

our world is falling to peices, literally. How much more can we bear? if my heart is breaking how much more is that of our Heavenly Father? God please hear our prayers today….

Ugh…I hate myself some days. For days I had the reciept for the tow truck from when the car broke down sitting out w/ the address where to mail it to get reimbursed. Today I go to look for it to get it ready to mail and boom it’s gone. I’ve looked everywhere a zillion times as has Dean. The worst part is I know I threw a lot of “paperwork” away this weekend while organizing our junk/mail drawers and fear it went into the trash by accident. Now we’re out the money since we cant get reimbursed w/out a reciept. Dean’s going to call tomorrow to see if they will give us another reciept but we paid cash so I dont know that they will….I am so angry with myself. on top of this i”m super stressed about a zillion other things. I hate my life sometimes. I cant wait to go to bed…..did I mention the migraine hasnt gone away…..and tomorrows monday…wohoo to another week of the same old stuff…………