Wisdom from my walk

We’ve had a wonderful weekend. On friday night I let Caleb stay up late watching tv w/ me and all he wanted to really do was do work in this kindergarten workbook we got on sale at walmart, he barely watched the movie he had been asking to watch. he has the pre-k version of this kind of workbook and he works on it in the car, he’s very smart and I was amazed at some of the concepts he’s able to do and how much better his writing is getting. While we were up dean went out to play poker with some new friends. he had a good time but regretted the 3 beers all on Saturday morning! 😉

On Saturday I had to be up early to be at church for a sunday school meeting and Dean took the kids to Chicfila for breakfast and to play for a while he said then headed to take Caleb to my moms’ house. They, Caleb and mom, then headed down to my brothers for the weekend they live a few hours away and were going to have a “sleepover’ there. Dean came and got me after my meeting and we spent the rest of the day hanging out w/ Bo, friends and sometimes by ourselves even. we were planning to leave Bo at our friends while we went to dinner but things changed and we took him w/ us and he was great while we were out. then we went to those friends house and put bo to bed, had some dessert then played a game til 11:30! (settlers of catan, fun stuff) we ended up staying up really late and hated getting up early this morning to get up and be at a friends church for our goddaughters baptism. I’ve never been asked to be a godparent and the lutheran thing is all new to us but it was really nice. I must say we’ve got a beautiful goddaughter! We went to lunch w/ everyone there then came home and napped while Bo did. Now it’s time to go get Caleb and head to the mall to pick up some winterish clothes for him. The boy has only 3 long sleeve shirts/sweaters that fit him! that’s not going to last us much longer!

we’ve had a busy weekend but it’s been very relaxing and at times amazing. i hate to admit I didnt really miss Caleb all that much, but I will be glad when he’s back. that boy adds so much to our family and while it’s nice to get a break, I think Bo is missing his prescence a little too! well off to do some more running. I’m grateful to have had such a nice weekend and been able to enjoy a little more peace and quiet. I wish tomorrow wasnt Monday, which means a drs appt then again one on tuesday….back to the real craziness that is my life. but for now I’ve got a few more weekend hours to enjoy my family!

I feel like such a bad mom to Baby E. With our first pregnancy I was so excited, it was something we waited a long time for and seemed to come as a miracle at the time. With Bo we thought we wouldnt be able to have more kids due to my health issues and then we couldnt get pregnant again then turns out we could! we were excited and despite being ill throughout the pregnancy, even getting a spinal tap during, i loved bo so much and talked much about the pregnancy. It seems like I’m either too busy with house stuff and the kids or too tired from all of that that I dont have the energy to devote into this pregnancy. I am glad we are pregnant, but I just cant wrap my head around it. I dont know if this is normal for 3rd or more pregnancies but I hate it. I hate not being more excited about this baby growing inside. I hate that the first ultrasounds of this child werent met w/ the same tears I had when I saw Boaz and Caleb via u/s for the first time. I dont know how to get past how I”m feeling toward this child and the last thing I want is for him/her to feel unloved or unwanted. i think it’s more just general fatigue and life stressors but I dont like feeling this way. I love this child I do, I just cant get all excited and emotional, I’ve done this before and for me it’s more misery than joy, at least at this point.

this pregnancy has been much less eventful, at this point w/ Caleb’s pregnancy things were very interesting as was this time with my pregnancy with Bo. Today my pregnancy ticker shows 15 weeks, I’m sure I’ve felt little baby movements but nothing major yet. thank goodness so far nothing major has happened during this pregnancy, it’s almost been like I’m not pregnant at all, minus the throwing up that is! I am hoping after my next appt and soon our “big” u/s to find out if this is a girl or a boy things will seem more real. it’s been hard for me to get attached when I’ve yet to hear the heartbeat like I did w/ the other two and at 15 weeks that concerns me. Sure they said they saw it on u/s but it’s just not the same. it’s always like I dont want to get too into it incase something goes wrong. I know we’re in the second trimester but something just feels so different about this pregnancy.

I think another part of the problem is I’m focusing so much on what my baby’s that are already here are doing. My biggest boy, Caleb is going to school full time and is learing to write and recognize letters in books. Bo is walking even running some now and crawling onto couches and chairs. theres just so much life going on around me it’s hard to remember the one that’s hiding in me growing every day taking in the voices of his big brother, mommy and daddy. Bo will be 11 months old this weekend, Caleb is 4+ and dean and my 7 year wedding anniversary is coming up in 2 weeks. theres already so much to enjoy that I’m at a loss for enjoying this baby inside. I know once its here things will be different but I wish I could be as devoted to it as I was it’s brothers while they were still inside me. Maybe once my belly grows some it will be easier to focus on this little bean but for now I’m eating up and loving these big boys I have all around me. please forgive me baby E, your day will come!!

Dean’s home sick today and he slept in til it was time to get Caleb since he had a half day today then I slept while Bo napped and while Dean was gone to get Caleb. Caleb of course woke me up when he got home. We made a walmart run now we’re trying to get the kids in bed so we can both nap. that field trip yesterday wore me out and Dean was up feeling bad for half the night last night so we’re both pretty tired.

dean spoke w/ his dad today and apparently he woke up one day not able to see out of one eye and had surgery this week. I’m like hello and you’re just calling now!! I dont get it, I guess I’m used to talking to my mom so often that nothing would happen to her without my knowing. I know if it were my dad I wouldnt know, heck I didnt know my own father was in a car accident which sent him to the hospital for a little while until I saw him at a family function. Apparently they called his 20 something girlfriend to come to the hospital but no one tells his kids. But that’s another story altogether. I just dont get why people dont feel the need to tell their kids thing, sure I am close to my mom and it may not be normal as much as we talk but to not know when major things are going on, that drives me nuts. My family has a lot of “secrets” they dont talk about the big things and it has annoyed the crap out of me for years and to have the same things happening on Dean’s side of the family is starting to get to me. i know we’re far away from them but it’s still frustrating. his brother had a baby recently and we’ve seen one pic of him sent on a cell phone to our cell phone and thats it. Argh! I’m sure I’ll hear about all of this once one of them reads this but at least I’m talking about things folks. Goodness. Why cant families communicate. I get so mad at Dean for not caring about it, if it was my family they’d know I was upset with them about not keeping in touch. I’m just emotional today I’m sure. I guess the call reminded me of the call that I know I’ll get one day, the one saying somethings happened to your dad , days after he’s dead I’m sure. I mean it’s not really the same but it is…..your kids (family members) care about you even if you arent invested in them so give them credit and take the time to stay involved in their lives before it’s too late. BAH!!!

last year when I accompanied Caleb to the pumpkin patch/farm we rode in our own car and met everyone there. I was very pregnant, 7 1/2 months at least and it was freezing cold eventhough the sun was shining. today, I accompanied Caleb on his first school bus ride along w/ all of his classmates and one adult per child. The sun was shining and it was nearly 75 degrees out. before I did this though I awaited a friend who was going to babysit Bo for me and anxiously wondered how he’d do without me for most of the day, as he threw up his breakfast shortly before she arrived. I was convinced I wasnt going to be going anywhere but turns out all of that congestion and some juice that didnt go down well was the culprit and he was fine the rest of the day.

Caleb was attached to his friend the whole day and it gave me a chance for once to meet and actually get to know a parent of his classmates. She is due 2 weeks after me and it felt good to know I’m not showing and she looks a good 4-5 months preggo. As well as another mom who I thought was due a lot sooner is due 3 weeks before me and is very pregnant looking. I feel big and I’m sure it’s all in my head as all of the pants I wear are still huge on me and I cant wear my maternity ones becuase they are huge on me. So I’m wearing my pre-pregnancy BO clothes and they are all so big still. So I know I’m not that big, twice in the last week people have said I’m not even showing yet and I’ve been like yeah sure. I sure feel huge, but I think after today I’ll at least know I dont look that big! I almost wish I had more of a baby belly than it might be more “real’ to me. but I feel big enough as is so I can wait to gain more weight!

caleb had so much fun and I’m so glad I didnt take Bo with us, another mom who’s baby is a few days older than Bo fussed a ton and made me aware of how much harder my day would have been with him with us. I’m sure we’ll do the family pumpkin farm thing and bo will go but it was nice for it to be just bo and I, I think it’s funny though that i was pregnant for this fall and last fall. Pretty cool actually!

here’s a few pics of Caleb enjoying his day:

Dean and Caleb this past weekend in Ellicott City

not much to write about. i’m tired, very very tired. It’s going to be a busy week. yesterday I babysit for a few hours which I’m sure is adding to my blah feeling today, the last few years anytime I overdo things the next day I feel like I got run over by a truck. I guess my body just isnt the same anymore. Tomorrow is Caleb’s first real field trip in which he’ll ride a school bus to the pumpkin farm. he’s already told me he will not sit w/ me on the bus but with his friend Tyler. he loves this kid, last week he told me we need to find out where he lives and that he wants to live w/ him instead of at our house. Anyway….then the rest of the week caleb has a half day on Thurs and all day off on Friday so I’ll be busy trying to find things to occupy him.

This past Saturday I got a five drawer dresser at a yard sale for $10 and I’m so excited about it. Bo hasnt had anything to put his clothes in his room, i”d been improvising w/ bins under his changing table so today I was able to rearrange and fill up his new dresser! it’s pretty nice, for $10! I’m starting to stress over where the new baby will sleep and where all of it’s clothes and stuff will go but I keep reminding myself I have plenty of time to figure it out. I wish we could move our, dean and my, bedroom downstairs but with the kids being so young it’s not a good idea. I hate having all those rooms down there we dont utilize. I’m trying to get bo used to playing in the playroom down there, Caleb for some reason is afraid of the downstairs. bo gets all excited whenever I open the door to go downstairs and carry him down, yesterday he laughed all the way down, I think he likes going down there if we could just convince Caleb. I have a ton of issues with our house and I know we’ve got plenty of room for 3 kids but it’s still stressing me out!

sorry for the random thoughts, I am just so tired lately. Bo is finally napping, we’re having serious sleep issues with him which I’m sure is contributing to my sleepiness as I was up for a while last night, it took over an hour to get him back to sleep last night. So I need to get some things done while he’s napping, just wanted to check in. I have two drs appt next week which i’m dreading, it will be the beginning of diabetes testing and I am really not looking forward to all of that again. I am concerned about my feelings toward this pregnancy and wish I didnt feel so uninterested in it. I’m just having a hard time with things and feeling bad isnt helping.

This sounds like something we might do this weekend. But then that would probably interfere w/ my plans to actually get things done around the house!

14 weeks…maybe I’ll get some pics up soon. I still dont believe that i’m really pregnant, I’m still unsure of my feelings towards this pregnancy but it’s getting better. we are starting to have a lot of sibling issues w/ bo and Caleb and I cant imagine how it will be with 3 kids. it ought to be interesting!