Wisdom from my walk

Glad I’m almost done my homework this week, cause looks like I have a lot of research to do.  Joe Boyd has gone and confused me and I am not happy not feeling like I know why I believe what I believe other than as Jim Zartman wrote about, those darn Left Behind books, and years of brainwashing in the A/G church.  I thought it interesting Jim’s blog even mentions something I’ve felt I’ve had to do for years to get to where I am today.  Jim states, “This whole story is a great example of how reactions can become ideas that turn into theologies that become accepted as truths.  That is why so many things have to be unlearned as well as learned.”  I have spent years unlearning so much already, never thought I needed to rethink this one!  Will I ever have a firm leg to stand on when it comes to my faith?  Seems like it’s been a long process of unlearning and re-learning, will it ever end?

Currently reading a book for Restoration Movement History class and the more I read the more I realize I’m more Protestant than any other religion I’ve ever thought but also think I still need to work this thing out some more.  I received my first communion in an Episcopal church, which I’d love to re-visit the beliefs of as I remember that I loved going to church during those days of my life.  We went on to attend an Assemblies of God church from the time I was 9 or 10 til I graduated high school.  That church messed me up more than I can even explain.  The only thing I thank God for is the fact that I do believe in the gift of speaking in tongues and know it’s one of my gifts.  My prayer time wouldn’t be the same without it.   This is something I am firm in my belief of.  I believe in the Trinity, and it took me a long time to agree to it, but I also  think immersion is scriptural.  I refused to give in to the pressures while at the A/G church to get baptized by immersion because of their flawed reasoning for doing so.  It wasn’t until we attended the Vineyard and I learned more about it and discovered for myself what it meant to me, that I decided to get baptized, and was blessed to be able to have Dean be the one “dunking” me.

Now I believe in eternal life and often get by some days on the simple hope that one day I’ll have a pain-free body, because if not for that hope I don’t know how I’d manage.   But rapture?  Well I thought I knew what I believed, but Joe’s gone and questioned that with his blog post.  I’m so grateful to be a part of a community that allows us to question our faith and seek out the truth for ourselves, without tying us to a “denominational” do or die mentality.

We attended a Baptist church for a while, but after attending their classes to become members did I realize I wasn’t willing to accept all of their doctrines as my own.   I don’t know where I’d fit in if I  had to choose a set denomination, but I hope to one day know!!  Grateful I get to go to a college that is helping educate me towards this goal as well.  I just hate feeling like I’ve grown up in the “church” and yet I feel like I don’t know the most important things.   I’ve always hoped loving others, loving God and doing my best was enough.  But I know there’s more to my life than that, or is there?   Can we simplify it so much that we don’t know what we “really” believe?  Or is the problem that we over think things so much, based on misinformation that we simply risk the freedom we are supposed to have?

On September 11, 2001 I held a newborn babe, my first son, in my arms as I prayed my husband in D.C. was safe.  Days earlier we made the 500 mile journey from Cincinnati to Baltimore MD so that Dean could start work at the Senate building doing IT support there on Sept 10th.   Caleb was a month old on Dean’s first day of work.  On September 11th, our world changed.

We held our family tighter and we loved our neighbors.  Dean served food at the Pentagon to disaster workers there.   I held tightly to our baby and wished we had not brought a child into this cruel world we live in.   I was afraid for his future and ours.   I was afraid war would begin on our homeland and nothing would ever be the same.   I didn’t blame Osama bin laden, or the men who flew the jets into the Pentagon and the twin towers, I blamed a greater evil.  One that lets us make our own decisions in life, good or evil ones.  Sometimes man chooses to make the worst decision of all, to hate and harm his fellow man. “But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks in the darkness, and does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded his eyes.”  (1 John 2:11)

Sept 2010 I was terrorized in my own home, by a Muslim man whom I thought cared about me and my family.   That first week I was so afraid for my sons, for my neighbors, for my family in Maryland.   I let a terrrorist live in my house.   I loved him like a son.   He made us think he loved us.   His governement took him home and I got no justice.   I fear for those who are in the United States that are deceiving families like us, families who mean to do well by opening our hearts and homes to someone not like us.   That there are other terrorist living down the street from you, from me, and there’s nothing we can do about it.  Some says my fears are unwarranted, but you weren’t deceived like I was and don’t know the truth of the false safety you live in.

I fear that now that as a country we’ve killed a man who lead these other terrorist, that showed them how to hate and fight and lie their way into our lives, that they will show us their true selves.  Last night I cried and prayed for my safety, my sons safety, your safety.   I cried because like Obama said, we didn’t ask for this.   We loved others unconditionally, without question.  It was not my bullet that killed the man you idolized.  I do not hate you, I hate the anger you have for me and my God.  I hate being unable to focus because I am so afraid of the war that will one day break on us U.S. soil because we were too naive to open our eyes to the deceivers amongst us.

Today we are a lot closer to that happening.  You don’t have to believe me, but I am afraid and there’s no celebrating the mindless killing of another man, no matter his sins.   We are fueling the fire that was already doused in kerosene hiding under our own roofs.

Pray and pray hard.   We know our God protects us and keeps us and does not want us to live in fear.  It is something I know I need to work on, but unless you had a terrorist live in your house &  hurt your family, you shouldn’t judge.  But maybe, just maybe because you know someone who did get so close to the enemy, you will realize not all of our friends are really our friends.

There’s no way to know by looking at them, or listening to their words.  They are deceivers of the best kind.   The devil is guiding their actions and words, and all we can do is pray for God’s continued protection on our family and friends.

I didn’t ask for this fear, I didn’t ask for the pain, I didn’t ask for any of it.  I AM asking for the government to stop hiding the truth from us and stop letting the enemy lie in wait.   I pray I’m wrong.  I really do.

But don’t hate me when we’re mourning more unneccessary loss of life, they know it’s coming, all we can do is pray that if we love others a little more, and show them that we don’t hate them, and keep buidling relationships that maybe we will soften their hearts and keep them from making the wrong choices.   Pray they do not choose evil.   But if we keep lashing out at others will hate we will not inspire them to hate less or love more.  We need to be the light and flesh out the darkness around us.

I am not saying fear your neighbor, I am saying, don’t be naive and when you think you are being lied to don’t stop there.  Question, and second guess, because someone could have prevented the men from flying into the Twin Towers and the Pentagon.

Maybe had they loved on those men a little more, and shown them true authentic relationships, and let them know that Americans are not all evil, then maybe, like the enemy in our home, we could have stopped them from making the wrong choice.   Or at least, removed them from the ability to make the wrong choice.

sometimes loves win, but first there must be love.  If I’ve learned anything since Sept. 2001 and Sept 2010, it’s that you should take nothing for granted.   Today hug your family a little harder, tell them you love them.   Let today serve as a reminder that life is so easily fleeting.   As the world celebrates the death of man, others mourn it.  Life is a gift, and one we must share with others.

Love your neighbor, “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you”(Luke 6:27)

Caleb did great at his first baseball game of the season today.  The team demolished the other team, it was at least 20-3 when I stopped keeping track.  This evening we went to see Lilly’s Plastic Purple Purse in Sharonville, it was part of Cincinnati Playhouse in the Park’s Off the hill series.  It was thoroughly enjoyable, and my hairdo was perfect for the cute, funny show we went to see!

I admit the last year has brought Dean and I to doubt what we’ve believed. it’s not until you face the death of someone you love or even the possibility of losing someone you love, that you really think about Heaven and Hell. I know Diaz is in heaven, without a doubt. My grandfather passed months ago as well, but I am not certain where he is. I know how he lived his life, but I also know his faith was different than mine. Were his choices in life enough to get him to heaven? Did going to mass and believing in the Catholic theologies hurt or help his eternal condition? I have no way to know, but I know our God is merciful and he sees our hearts.

But today as we got news that a family friend has passed on after losing his battle with his drug addiction, I’m more lost than ever. Diaz did his best when here to help people like this to learn about Jesus and we know he knew the truth and the way before he passed. But the not knowing of those final moments, where his heart really was, can break our heart. If we truly believe in the reality that those who don’t choose Christ or who blatantly reject God and his ways will not be in Heaven, we must face the reality that our God is loving but also the ultimate Judge and punishes those who don’t accept his mercy.

Struggling with these thoughts and knowing we failed as well, by not doing more to help those who needed to be reminded of the way and the truth. Ultimately I know these are the consequences of free will, but it is still heart breaking. Heart breaking to know, if Diaz were here, things might have been different. Breaks my heart to know, in the end, the devil does win sometimes. No matter what we do, sometimes we lose.

In the last year, I feel like we’ve had so many reminders of how temporary this life is. So many reminders that there’s more to this life than just opening up our home, but we need to go out and seek others. We need to truly be the hands and feet. We can’t just sit by and let others come to us anymore, the invitations and open doors aren’t enough. We have to do more. How can we let the ones we love risk their eternal salvation because we were lazy or too busy?? How do we live this out when we’ve got jobs, kids, and school? What does God expect of us? I hate feeling like I’m not doing enough. I see the pain around me and all I can do is sit here and pray. I know our God is big, He hears me and He’s proven He answers prayers. But sitting here with a broken heart, knowing how many around me are hurting with darkened hearts and doubting minds questioning the relevance of blind faith when we need to see the changes in others and in our communities. What else can we do? God guide us and lead us to those who need your light. let us no longer be content with the trivial things, we know there’s so much at stake and it’s more than house payments, soccer practice and homework.

I know I’m not the only one around me questioning my faith. As we seek out these answers and in the end decide where we stand, how do we know we are doing the right thing? Especially when our faith may differ from others?

Forgive me, but after reading this blog, I am really confused about how this is a new problem? As the culture changes around us we must try to break free of the effects of it on our faith, is this not just another way that we are being relevant to where and who were in this generation of believers? I firmly believe that while our beliefs may be the same as prior generations, how we live it out can’t be the exact same because it’s not the same time/lifestyles we are dealing with new issues that those before us never had to deal. After reading it I guess I’d be more on the progressive side of things, but I wonder how this differs so much from the Emergent thought pattern? And I don’t think it’s going to “split” anything more than things already are.

There’s been a movement for a long time to question and seek out our faith, but I’m sure prior generations did this too to get to where they are today? What did that look like? Didn’t it cause rifts in belief? Thus the birth of things like the Vineyard, and other non-denominational churches? We are all unique and our needs are all different. We can’t all fit into the same mold. Realizing these differences are important but we also need to be tolerant of the fact that I might live out my journey the same way you do, but ultimately we serve the same God and are saved by the same act of mercy and grace.

I don’t know where I stand today. I know I pray several times a day and without His help I wouldn’t be where I am today. I know He provides time and time again, and that even in the pain He gives me comfort and times of joy. But is that enough? I serve others, I try to live selflessly, but it’s hard. Are my attempts enough? I have faith I’ll spend my eternity in Heaven, but thinking about where you will end up screws with my head. Free will is blessing and a curse. Truly isn’t it enough to believe and give it all to Him to handle the rest? One day we’ll know, but sometimes living this daily struggle seems so pointless, knowing there’s so much more…………..

Blessings by Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home,
It’s not our home

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Took the boys to the park after a trip the library. I have been able to turn what used to be stressful Thursdays into a day to relax lately. I try to get my weekly homework done before Thursday, even if it’s usually midnight Wednesday. This cuts down on Thursday stresses a lot! Plus like today, I took the time to meet my honey for a lunch date, since all the boys are in school for some of the same time I can use that time as I want. I like to use Thursdays as my mental health day since I know I will have class and I try to focus on the family since I feel bad about leaving them in the evenings!

via Plixi