Wisdom from my walk

It’s been over a year since I’ve written here; this makes me sad.  What I used to share here became short, frequent facebook updates because I’ve been too busy working, taking care of my family and doing homework.  As I read my last blog entry I reflect on how much of our life takes place because of choices we make.

In the fall of 2011 I was approaching the first school year with all of my kiddos gone from 8-2:30 every day.  I was scared. I knew my job as full time mom was no longer going to be my primary role.  I was afraid of who I would be if I wasn’t a stay at home mom. I was afraid because I know it’s counter-cultural to be a stay at home mom as it is; let alone once your kids are in school all day.  I knew I would be questioned and looked down on for not “doing more” with my life.

I frantically searched my heart and decided I’d go back to work; but I had conditions. I wanted to still be there for my boys when they came home from school and didn’t want to lose that vital time with them.   I found a job that allowed me to do just that. The first few months were great.   We made it through the first summer with them in daycare, and they thrived; and so did I.

After a re-organization at work it was made clear that I needed to change to a full time schedule. I politely declined and was promptly moved to a different role, which to me felt like a demotion.  I disliked the work and tried to discuss alternatives with management.   As my health declined, as it does frequently when you add immune problems, chronic illness, raising kids,going to school, working and the stress of all of the above, I requested to cut back some more hours. I was not only told no, but that I needed to add hours not subtract them.   The job that seemed to come as an answer to my prayers, was becoming a stumbling block. I was no longer able to give 100% at work, at home, at school, or with our community of friends.

After much prayer and discussion, last week I gave my two week notice of resignation.  In my exit interview with HR, we discussed that it would have likely worked out for me if I was able to work full time.  This was not a new revelation to me.  I had been often referred to at 1/2 a person in terms of workload, participation, and simply as a human being yet gave all I could when I was on the job; even giving up time on the weekends and evenings when needed.   I saw countless job postings for the position I longed for go by because I refused to give up my vision to be a mom and student.

I spent months trying to make the best of things, finding joy in the opportunities I was given to train others; something I found I was good at and enjoyed doing.  I was able to find joy in doing anything other than the primary role I had been assigned.   I would go home grouchy, in pain, and miserable.   This in turn meant I was often short on temper with the kids and too tired to focus on homework; let alone give my husband the attention and care he deserved.

I knew something had to change.   I took off from college for a course, hoping to spend more time resting when not at work so that I’d get healthy since I have an upcoming surgery in February.   Despite the extra time to rest, I found I was still not improving much health-wise.   My stress level at work was rising and it was again made clear I wasn’t going anywhere if I didn’t add more hours to my work schedule.

I knew when I made the choice to return to school in the fall of 2010 it was a decision that would change our lives. I was right. I gained valuable experience. I learned that I enjoy and am good at training others.   I engaged in relationships that have changed and challenged me.   But in the deepest part of me, I chose to go back to work to try to discover who I am if I’m not a SAHM.  But once on the job, it became clear that I can never give up my job as a mom.

A mom who is sick, stressed, and miserable has a negative effect on the family.  Everyone suffers.   We decided financial stability is not worth the damage done from me trying to achieve success via the worlds standards.   Success for me is the smile I see on my son’s face when we sing together.  Success is seeing the boys learn a new skill.  It’s helping them work through homework after school and watching them improve their math, reading, and writing skills.  Success for me is playing a board game with my family. Success is listening to Dean (or one of the kids) share with me about minecraft even though I have no clue why he enjoys the game.  I’m sure many will disagree with me here, but success is keeping the house clean so friends and family can drop by on a moments notice and feel welcomed and “at home”.   it’s having an extra frozen meal in the freezer that I can take to a friend who is recovering from surgery, illness or loss.  Success is being part of a community that loves you and accepts you for who you are.  Success is knowing your worth is found in God, not man.

Success is not a paycheck. It’s not a promotion. It’s not working 40+ hours a week doing something you hate.   Success can not be measured in hours of overtime worked.  It can’t be measured in how many lunches you work through.

What is your definition of success? Are you working towards being successful by your standards, God’s standards, or the standards of the culture you live in? Which is most important to you and why? What decision can you make today to start working towards becoming successful in a way that strengthens you, your family, and your community?

It seems every holiday brings back memories.  The good, bad, and the ugly.   This year as I thought about my granddad’s funeral that I missed last year, I had to struggle to remember why I couldn’t make it there.   I was scared that this year, while anxiously awaiting news of my grandmother’s ailing health, that I’d be in a similar situation.  Then I remembered that last December I had major surgery and couldn’t travel.   It’s amazing how I could forget that that was just a year ago.

So much has happened in the last year that I guess that surgery didn’t make the top 10 bad events in my life; so I didn’t hold on to the memory, and for that I am glad.   I think more than anything, that since we’ve dealt with so many major events in the last year and half that I’m learning to cope with it all a lot better as craziness shows up in our lives.    I also think having friends by your side supporting you no matter what life brings helps too.

There are many days that as I walk into the building where I work I wonder how I get there.  How did we get from my being a stay at home mom and often nearly full time volunteer, to my working, going to college, and having three kids in school.   For a long time I cherished my role as a SAHM.   Within the last year I began to hate my “job” as a full time mommy and needed to do something to change things before I truly lost my sanity.   I have said for years that I was ready to go back to work, but with the expense of childcare we just knew it wasn’t financially possible.   I also talked about the day when I would go back to college, and always planned that it would happen when all of the boys were in school.  It turned out that I was able to start college earlier than planned and for that I am so grateful.  I love learning and am glad I’m one year closer to a degree than had I waited til this fall to start college again.

As the school year approached and the fact that all three boys would be in school all day I began to get hopeful about returning to work in the near future as well.   Things worked out that I was able to find a great job with awesome flexibility in hours that started 2 weeks before the boys started school.   It’s amazing to me how the puzzle peices have fallen into place in the last few months in my life.

As the year draws to an end,  I’m grateful to have a job that lets me be available for my kids in the afternoons and that all of the boys are in school for most of the day so we don’t have to worry about childcare costs eating away at my paycheck, at least until the summer.  I’m thrilled that Dean was able to move from the company he’s been with since 2006 to find something more satisfying in the last few months as well.

There are many things to be thankful for this holiday season, even as we mourn the loss of those we’ve lost in the last year:

12 years of marriage to the love of my life, 3 amazing kids, great jobs, lots of friends (old and new), a dog, a frog (and some crickets we have to keep on hand to feed the frog), an ant farm, a roof over our heads, food in the fridge, warm comfy beds, and a future worth sticking out the bad days for.

Dean sent me a link to something today about a girl with cancer who’s motto is “NGU” which stands for “never give up.”  I think for a long time I thought giving up was an option, that leaving it all behind to find satisfaction elsewhere would “fix” it all.   In the last few months I’ve realized that it’s worth fighting for the future you want and to attain the dreams you have.   Life goes on, sometimes it gets messy and sometimes it’s amazing, but giving up is never an option.   Don’t ever give up on your dreams, as big or as little as they may seem.

And if I haven’t made it clear, a surefire way to be successful is to not go it alone.   There’s a lot to be said for living in community with others.   I know from my past experience, it’s a lot easier to get out of the mess we make for ourselves when you’ve got someone holding your hand and guiding you, or sometimes all it takes it to have someone there to give you a gentle push in the right direction.  Plus, it’s hard to give up when you’ve got the sidelines full of cheerleaders egging you on!

As I think about the year ahead I am most hopeful for all the things to come that I can’t see on the horizon.   For the things God has in store for me and my family that we have no clue are coming our way; some of it may knock us off balance and some it may even knock us flat on the ground, but there’s also so much potential for amazing things to take place that we could never fathom.    This coming year, for me giving up is not an option.   We’ve endured so much and come so far.  Though there may be mountains in the distance, I know it’s all worth getting to the other side.

This holiday, give someone you love the gift that never stops giving: hope.

Is it too late to try again?  If it’s truly time to move on, how do you know where to go next?  How do you re-build when all you have is a damaged foundation?

This is the first weekend that Dean’s working on tech team with me longer being on the “team.”  I put in my resignation weeks ago, after at least 6 months of debating with myself over it.   He’s still deciding if he’s going to serve on the team without me.  It’s always been something we did together, since before we had kids.  We  starting serving on tech team over a decade ago, in 2000. I remember going to church the morning we got the first positive pregnancy test for Caleb’s pregnancy and serving and telling everyone on the team we were pregnant, before we even told family.   I can remember that like it was yesterday.

I remember that I stopped serving the month before Caleb was born in 2001 because I kept being put on bedrest.   After he was born we moved to Baltimore and I didn’t serve on tech team  again til 2007.   Coming “home” was bittersweet.   Many of the same folks we served with were and are still on the team.   New members joined, ironically, who also recently moved from Maryland.  Ironically they’ve also stopped serving on tech as well, for completely different reasons that my own.

I loved learning all the roles on tech team, and wanted to learn more.  Somehow I thought having been on the team for so long would mean more than it did.  That eventually I’d do more than just show up every week, that maybe my opinion would matter and maybe I would feel like what I did mattered to more than just me.   Sadly, year after year, nothing changed.  I always thought one day I’d train to be a director, but despite mentioning it many times, it didn’t happen.  These last few months, I realized I don’t think I’d ever move on from just a once a month volunteer.    I realized without the ability to do more, I  was wasting my time and skills.  I could be serving in another role with the ability to lead one day, and feel like I was doing something important, other than filling a chair every weekend.

I feel like I’ve been fighting to find my place in the big VCC world, and keep coming up with dead ends.   In the last few weeks, I’ve mentioned to Dean that I want to look for a new church.  I feel like there’s just not anything here for me.   That no one, other than those in our small group, even acknowledges all we’ve done and the fact we’ve been around for so long.  I guess the point is, I was looking to men (and women) to validate my feelings.

Tonight, there was a guest speaker who nailed so much of what I was thinking and reminded me that it wasn’t about other people or even what choices I have to make now, other than the one that chooses to serve God and only God.  I’ve tried so hard to serve others and do what I thought was what I was supposed to do, none of it fulfilled me.   All I’ve gone through in the last year has made me doubt God and his faithfulness and even his prescence in my life.   Like Tim said, number one warning sign that there’s a  problem is “when greater battles are fought within than without.”

I’ve been fighting the internal battle of what to do next in my life.  Trying to figure out how I felt and feeling alone through it all, save for the all out crying conversations I’ve had with Dean.   It’s been a really hard year, I’ve tried to ignore all that has happened and life just keeps piling more and more on our plates.  It’s hard to move on when you haven’t gotten over the past.

I think for now, I need to take time to really need to let go of all I’m trying to do on my own and try to serve the only one that matters, God.   Maybe then and then only, I’ll find the fulfillment I’ve been seeking through the approval and praise of others.

I need to move on, but really I knew leaving tech team was about starting over.  A chapter that started so many years ago is ending, and just like how I feel with the kids not needing me now that they’ll be in school all day, I feel lost.  Who I am if I’m not serving on tech?  Who am I if I”m not serving in small groups?  If I’m not serving in these ways, what will God have for me and how do I figure out what to do next?

It’s all about the choices, and for now, all I’m choosing to do is lean into my loving Father God to hold me and guide me to what’s next.   I’m ready to start over, as scary as that is.   Starting over because I’m ready to move on.

If you click “like” on my submission, there’s a chance we’ll win a Scensty prize!!

Recipe for Amish Cinnamon Bread

DO NOT USE ANY TYPE OF METAL SPOON OR BOWL FOR MIXING. DO NOT REFRIGERATE. If air gets in the bag, let it out.  It is normal for the batter to rise, bubble and ferment.

Day 1 Do nothing, Day you get your starter batter (I found a starter recipe, I have not tried it so I don’t know if it will work but it may be worth a try if you don’t have one)

Day 2 Mush Bag

Day 3 Mush Bag

Day 4 Mush Bag

Day 5 Mush Bag

Day 6 Add to Bag :          1 cup of flour, 1 cup of sugar and 1 cup of milk, mush bag

Day 7 Mush Bag

Day 8 Mush Bag

Day 9 Mush Bag

Day 10 Pour entire contents from bag into a NON-metal bowl

Add 1 ½  cups of flour, 1 ½ cups of sugar, 1 ½ cups of milk

Measure out four separate batters of 1 cup each into four 1 gallon Ziploc bags.  Keep one starter for yourself and give three to friends along with a copy of this recipe.  With the remaining batter in your bowl, use the following recipe to bake your bread

Preheat oven to 325 degrees

Add the remaining ingredients to the batter in your bowl

3 eggs

1 Cup of oil (or ½ cup oil and ½ cup applesauce)

½ Cup milk

1 Cup Sugar

2 tsp. Cinnamon

½ tsp. Vanilla

1 ½ tsp. Baking Powder

½ tsp. Baking Soda

½ tsp. Salt

2 Cups Flour

1 Large box instant vanilla pudding

Grease 2 loaf pans. Mix an additional ½-cup sugar and 1 ½ tsp. Cinnamon.  Dust pans with this mixture.  Pour batter evenly into the pans and sprinkle with remaining sugar/cinnamon over top. Bake for 1 hour (check in 45 mins) Cool until bread loosens from the pans evenly (abt 10 mins.) Turn bread onto serving dish. Serve warm or cold.

If you keep a starter for yourself, you will bake every 10 days. The bread is very good and makes a great gift.  Only the Amish know how to create a starter, so if you give them all away you will have to wait until someone gives you one back.

* I will update these as I find more deals!!

The Mason Regal movie theater will have $1 movies on Tuesday and Wednesday mornings at 10 am starting on June 14/15th.

The Danbarry Movie Theater at Cincinnati Mills always has $3 movies but on Tuesdays the rate is discounted to $1.75!

Free movies at Fountain Square, Sundays, June 5 through August 28, 2011: 7-9pm

Free admission with book report with Springdale DeLux’s Bookworm Wednesdays program (starts July 7th  for 6 weeks) which encourages kiddos to read.  Kids will get free admission to the 1o am movie if they submit a book report. For kids ages 6 and under, no book report in required and parents and kids automatically get free admission.  Bookworm Wednesdays is held at the Springdale 18 location: 12064 Springfield Pike, Springdale, OH 45246.

On Tuesdays at bd’s Mongolian Grill From 5-9pm, you can get one free kids meal for every adult meal purchased (includes a kids’ drink). 8655 Mason Montgomery Road, Mason, Ohio 45040. (513) 770-4330.

Also on Tuesdays kids eat free at Cheezburger Cafe in Montgomery.

Toot’s – They offer a free hot dog basket meal (drink not included but ice cream is) every day, all day.  Up to two kids (ages 10 and under) get the free hot dog basket with each adult purchase.  Toot’s also has a kid’s eat free night on Tuesdays and they always have coupons and specials on their website (see their kids color coupons – color a picture for a free kid’s meal). 12191 Montgomery Road, Loveland, Ohio. (513) 697-9100.

Chick-fil-A – The Springdale (free standing not the one in the mall) Deerfield Township and Voice of America locations  have Family Night from 5:30-8pm, although the Springdale locations time is 5-8pm.  They offer up to two free 4 piece nugget kids’ meals with the purchase of one adult meal. Drinks are included.  They also have tables set up with crafts for the kids and the on site indoor play area is open (bring socks).