Wisdom from my walk

I started exercising a few days a week more than a month ago. I found that the days I did exercise my fibromyalgia symptoms would be less than the days I didn’t exercise. My goal originally was to do 1 mile at a time. I’m now able to do 2 miles every day. Last week I did 3 miles once. This week I am doing 3 miles twice to begin to increase my level of endurance.

I am feeling so much better already. As of today I’ve lost 8 lbs. This may not seem like a lot but this last week I’ve lost about 3 lbs so I know I’m doing something right. I’m being more cautious of my caloric intake as well as making sure I exercise daily.

My goal is to lose at least 50 (hopefully more like 70) lbs by next May. The overall goal is to relieve the symptoms of fibromyalgia through being more active and losing weight. My weekly goal is to lose 1-2 lbs. I know this is achievable but will be a slow process. For now I’m seeing results and I’m excited about a future that’s not ruled by how bad I feel.

I used to struggle to get up and down stairs, manage trips to the grocery store or do fun things with my kids. Yesterday I was able to do a 2 mile workout, go to the store with 2 kids, go swimming with the boys, make dinner, and do some light cleaning at home. In the past just doing one of those activities would have left me in pain or extremely fatigued and unable to function. Last night I was energized and alert at the end of the day. It is a drastic change and I’m so happy about being able to have fun with the kids and still do other things.

I used to think people were crazy when they said exercise was the best way to treat fibromyalgia. The more active I get the better I feel. I’m starting to think all that advice people and doctors were giving me about exercise was right.

I’m hoping to add some strength training to my exercise routine but first I want to be up to doing 3 miles a day. I will likely do 2 miles a day on the days I do strength training so that I don’t overdo it. I’m hopeful that these are changes I can keep long-term. I think the important part is finding out what exercise you enjoy and can tolerate, especially when battling chronic pain. I’m looking forward to more drastic changes in energy and weight in the coming weeks. I promise to keep you updated on my progress.

There’s this guy I fell in love with instantly when I was a tween.  He could make me laugh and he gave great hugs.  After high school I married this amazing man.  We spent our free time at the local community theater.  I got experience in stage managing, acting, and other fun theater stuff. He taught me all I know about theater.  I only saw him perform in one play and afterward he decided he’d prefer to work behind the scenes than to be on stage.  A few kids later we found we weren’t able to devote time to our shared love, theater.

Caleb started acting in a local theater group a few years ago. Dean would help out wherever he could. This year they announced they would be doing Shrek the musical. We had been listening to the soundtrack to the show for months before we even found this out and all of us knew the lyrics to all of the songs. I convinced Dean this one was worth auditioning for.  I was sad I had college and couldn’t audition myself. Dean, Bo and Caleb all got roles in the play.  It would be Bo’s first theatrical debut and Dean’s first in a long time.  I was instantly a proud wife and mother.

Performances started last week.  I’ve seen Dean do some improv in the last year and have seen some films he has been in as an “extra” but nothing would prepare me for this.  Many have told me that Dean “steals the show”.  Strangers have asked to take their picture with him.  He’s quite good at what he does, which is a little scary since he’s a cross-dressing big bad wolf.

Watching him act reminds me of the times he made me laugh when we first met.  I love seeing him get to be creative and be a part of something he loves.  I’m so glad he’s able to have fun and share his love of theater with our boys.

As I think about our story, I must admit that a few months ago our marriage suffered a major blow.  Something I didn’t see coming.  From that first day I met Dean I put him on a pedestal.  This year the pedestal was knocked out from under him.   What I saw as a great marriage was really a mirage, or so I thought.  I was hurt and felt betrayed.   I realized for so long I looked at my husband as if he was perfect, or nearly so.  I was grateful for the blessing he was in my life, then reality struck. No one is perfect.

It’s now months later and I have had the chance to cope with these new realities.  The most important thing I’ve learned is that despite his flaws, I still love him deeply and madly as if it were that day we first met.  He may not be perfect, but he’s perfect for me.  Despite the ups and downs we have faced, we know our love is worth fighting for.

As I sit and watch my husband perform on stage, I recall what first drew me to him. His ability to not care about what others think.  His sense of humor always made me smile.  His passion and joy were contagious.  No matter what was going on, he was always there for me.  I hope he knows that despite his failings, I will always be there for him.

Just like I never expected to see him wearing a dress on stage, I never expected to see my marriage suffer the way it has this year.  The best part of both experiences is knowing that no matter the circumstances, my love for my husband will never fade.  He’s still the man I married and I’m grateful he’s becoming an even more amazing husband and father the longer he fills those roles.

This is the “story of our life” and I’m grateful to be sharing it with the most amazing man I’ve ever met.

This song from Shrek reminds me of our story.

A few months ago I heard an ad on Star 93.3 for a Women in Ministry appreciation breakfast. I said to Dean that I thought the event sounded fun but didn’t feel like I was serving in ministry, despite my desire to do so full time one day.  He encouraged me that I was serving at church. The ad said if you lead or even just volunteer than you should register for the free event. I thought about it for a while and the busier I got serving at church the more I decided I would think about going; but I didn’t want to go alone.  So I thought of all of the women I respect and admire for the time and talents they give to serve others.  I sent them an email asking them to join me at the event.

Several sounded eager to join me so we all registered and awaited the day of the event.  We all met and hung out during the event.  I love helping others connect with those they don’t know, especially when I know they share common interests, and my heart smiled as I watched these women who don’t really know one another pour out their hearts to one another.  As I drove home I was in tears as I realized, that while I might try to deny it  I frequently lead others. Even when we don’t realize it or intend to, we either bring others together or push them apart.   I remembered that everything we do affects others.  My simple decision to email these women gave us all the chance to connect with each other, enjoy a time of community and worship and to feel like we are a part of something bigger.  I could have thought about going to this event and decided not to, but I didn’t.  I value others and have a desire to see them achieve their fullest potential. Sometimes that means I go out of my way to invite others along with me on this journey so that we can both move towards a closer walk with God and each other.

At the ministry breakfast, Laura Story shared her story and it hit close to home.  Like her husband I struggled with many unexpected medical setbacks.  My life has been shaken and turned upside down repeatedly due to these medical problems. At school this week I gave a devotional which included some similar thoughts to what Laura shared at the ministry breakfast.

Earlier last week I listened to a message that inspired me to lead others.  I have always felt unqualified to serve. It’s kind of why I wanted to go to a Bible college instead of a secular one. I wanted to feel qualified and prepared for ministry.  Earlier this week a speaker talked about how God called the unqualified and how He can use any of us. At the women’s event, Laura Story emphasized how we can use our story to help others.

I’ve got a story, one with ups, downs, and lots of mercy, redemption, and an amazing Savior.  The plot line has lots of action and no one could ever say it’s boring!  But, it is not one I would have ever chosen for myself.  I’ve been hurt, let down, broken, and damaged (sometimes feeling like my heart will never mend) repeatedly.  But each time God was there to bring restoration.

I don’t know what God is calling me to do, but I no longer feel unqualified to do it.  I have a story, talents, and a desire to serve.  All I need now is to find the setting, supporting characters, and a blank piece of paper so I can begin to write the next chapter of my story.

I look forward to dragging others along with me as I live out the call God has on my life.  I have some amazing women role models in my life and I hope one day someone can say the same about me.  For now I will continue to surround myself with women who serve the Lord and others selflessly and pray a little bit of their greatness rubs off on me!

I was blessed to fall in love with and marry the man of my dreams at a young age.  I knew almost immediately upon meeting him that I needed him in my life as much as possible.  He brought me joy, taught me to look for the positive in every situation, and loved me unconditionally as no one ever had.  In order to provide for ourselves as a young couple we both found full time jobs.  I put off finishing college because we were living with one car, not a lot of cash, and I just didn’t think we could make it all work.  A few years later, after never attempting to not get pregnant, our first son was born. I cherished those years of being a couple before we added kids to the mix.  Every time I considered going back to school I’d end up pregnant or sick.  Eventually I told Dean that as soon as all three of our boys were in school all day I’d go back to college.

The year Bo was started school, I got the itch to start college.  I had another year before Zeke would go to school all day but he was in a great part time preschool program so I had some free time during the day.  In 2010 I started to attend Cincinnati Christian University.  I am now one year from graduating college. This was a life goal that I set for myself and committed to seeing through to completion.  I am counting down the classes til graduation in May of 2014.

Ironically another goal I’ve set and failed to fulfill through the years is to lose weight. It seems my body doesn’t work like everyone else’s and I am frequently plagued with disabling symptoms.   I originally planned to lose a substantial weight before I turned 30, but my health prevented that from happening.  After facing some difficult health problems in the last year I knew I had to make my health a priority.  My new goal is to lose at least 50 (hopefully more like 70-80) pounds before my college graduation.  This means I need to lose 1-2 pounds a week.  In order to achieve this I’m exercising daily if I can and cutting back my portions at meal time. I’m also incorporating more fruits and veggies into my diet.  I’ve lost a few pounds already but the most impressive difference has been my health. I’m more energetic and feel less pain on the days I exercise. it seems exercise truly is the best medicine.

Just like my desire to Never Give Up (NGU) on finishing college, I am determined that when I walk across stage next spring my body will be transformed into one that is more fit, leaner, and healthier. This is not going to be an easy task, but finishing college while battling chronic health problems hasn’t been either.

On the days when I don’t feel like exercising or want something unhealthy to eat I search the internet for success stories. For other women like me who knew their success depending on changing their health level, including losing weight.  I want one day to be able to write my own weight loss success story, that means making the right choices today and every day.  I think journaling my journey will help me stay accountable and focused.

I am not only doing this for my health but for my family.  My wonderful husband deserves  a wife who can keep up with him and our children.  I know that if I want to see my kids graduate from high school and college, I need to make healthy lifestyle changes now so I am healthy enough to be there to support them throughout these important years of growth.  I also want them to know that it’s possible to conquer obesity and health problems by choosing to exercise and eat healthy. Right now we’re failing at that as parents, and I want to be able to walk alongside them if the time comes that they need the encouragement to be healthy for themselves and those they love.

I want my children to say that their mom never gave up on her goals or dreams.  That means I have to live that out in front of them.   I want them to be proud of their mom, for finishing college and getting healthy but most of all I want to be healthy enough to be there for them in the future.   Today I finished a 2 mile workout and am glad I made the choice to.  All I can do is take things one day at time and hope in the long run I’ll see the weight melt away, but I’ll settle for feeling healthy even if it means daily exercise that doesn’t bring about drastic weight changes. But I’m hopeful my motivation and perseverance will bring the results I am seeking.

There are people in my life that I know I can depend on, no matter the circumstances.  Recently I was told something that will forever change my trust level in one of these people.   I started to and continue to doubt myself.  Were these things happening because I did something? Was it all their fault?  How can I ever trust them again?

I will struggle with these questions for a long time.  Today I don’t feel strong enough to. I know there will be more days, like today, when the doubts try to overcome and cause me to feel weak.  But I also know there will be days like yesterday, when I feel strong enough to face it all.  I know that years from now I will look back at this experience and see that it has changed me, hopefully for the better.

I’ve been betrayed in the past.  I will likely suffer emotional harm from someone in the future. All of these are occasions for me to grow and learn.  It may not be how I want to learn these lessons, but God has a plan for me that is even better than anything I can imagine. I know that out of this pain and heartbreak I will find joy and strength.  In fact, in spite of this pain I will find joy…it just might not be today.

While I feel blessed to live in an area surrounded by woods and wildlife, I am sure the animals feel differently about my presence.  We frequently get the opportunity to watch a deer family travel through our yard or community.  I love to watch them.   Despite the dangers all around them, a doe will protectively guide her fawns through the uncertain terrain.  For deer, danger lurks everywhere.  They were not designed to live with man infringing on their territory as they do.  As communities grow, the dangers for deer grows.  Besides the fear of hunters, deer must worry about being harmed by humans in other ways.  I’m sure you’ve seen your fair share of the damage a vehicle can do to a beautiful, innocent animal.

Today I was thinking, that as Christians we live in a world that is not as it was designed.   When sin entered the world the paradise God had created was forever changed.   As Christians, like deer, we must always be alert to the dangers around us.  Today, those dangers include the internet, inappropriate images or information on television, foul language in the music we listen to, drugs, alcohol, and sometimes other people in our life.

We were not created to live in a sinful world.  But, like the deer have adapted to their current environment, we too must adapt.  We must filter the things we watch and listen to.   Sometimes we need to distance ourselves from unhealthy relationships.  We must be cautious about what we put into our bodies.

Yesterday as I watched a deer family dangerously close to humans and their damaging modes of transportation, I looked at the way the buck and doe were alert to the danger around them.  They were fairly close in proximity to one another, but each parent had an eye-line in the opposite direction of their fawn.   There eyes and ears were waiting for any signs that danger was eminent.  The boys and I sat watching the deer for a moment as we drove by and stopped at a stop sign.   As I was watched, I realized that it’s my job to be that careful and protective of my family.

I wonder if we, as parents and spousesm are as cautious about our environment as the deer were. Are we always on the lookout for things that could hurt or damage our children or spouses?  If not, why?

If you are married and/or have children you have the gift of helping your spouse and/or children to stay protected from the sin that is all around us.   Are you aware of the dangers that are tempting you today? What about the potential dangers around your children? Or spouse?

I’m not saying we need to put our family in a bubble. I’m not saying everything on television, on the radio, or the internet is bad. I’m just challenging you to be aware of the things that could possible hurt you, your family members, or your family as a whole.   We don’t need to be legalistic and get rid of all of these things from our home, but I do think it’s our job to be diligent and aware of the dangers present that could hurt our family.

What dangers do you see lurking inside and outside of your home that could potentially harm the safety of those you love? What can you do to protect them from these dangers?  What can you do to protect yourself?

Today I went to the endodontist to get a minor surgery to repair a failed root canal.   I sat there unsure of what the dr was going to do and remembered the same uncertainty I felt a few weeks ago when I sat in a chair awaiting mohs surgery.  Both times I was numb and couldn’t see what either doctor was doing, but I trusted them completely to do what was best for me and to do so while providing the least amount of pain.

Today as I sat there and listened to song after song about trusting God, because of course God led me to a doctors office that would best suit my needs, I recognized that today was about more than a hurting tooth.  So many times over the years I’ve put my life, sometimes quite literally, in the hands of a physician.  I trusted that they would do what they could to bring healing to my body.   Sometimes, like these last few weeks I trusted them blindly.

Throughout my lifetime I frequently found myself in operating rooms or doctors offices expecting a man or woman to do their job to bring me healing. Here I was, once again letting a stranger use sharp instruments to “heal” my body.   We believe that God gives doctors wisdom and skills to help us, and that he also gives us the wisdom and knowledge to create medicine that will help us.   But, I know I also trust in God to be there for me when I need healing.  Today I was reminded that I need to remember to trust in God more, even when I can’t see how or when the healing will come.

This last week has been challenging. I’m struggling with some very personal things.   I am in the process of learning to rebuild trust in someone I care for deeply.  I am learning to forgive.  I am learning what unconditional love really means.  I know that without the great physician, my God, guiding the scalpel and cleaning out the hurt in my heart that I will never truly heal.  Just like physical surgeries, this is a painful process.

Today as I sat through a stupid minor tooth/gum surgery, I was reminded that even in the small things God is guiding me and others around me.   Just like this week when the bandages came off of from my moh’s surgery, I can look back on the hurt and the healing that took place to bring me to where I am today. There’s a small scar that will always remind me of this time of healing.

I know my heart will forever be changed by the hurts done to me, now and in the past. I know one day when I pull the bandages off there will just be a small scar left to show for the healing that is currently taking place in my heart.   The process won’t be pretty, it will take a long time, and it will be painful.  Today I realized that without that pain healing won’t come.  I also was reminded that God will never leave my side, through the big things and the small things.

Sometimes we need to be humble enough to truly surrender ourselves to God and others. Maybe one day I’ll be strong enough not to have to undergo so much pain to learn my lesson.  For now, I’ll tackle this just like every other thing I’ve overcome, one day at a time and with a community of friends by my side.