Wisdom from my walk

Every day we have choices to make. We will be tempted in some way at least once a day, if not more.  For some people, the temptation is to over-indulge in unhealthy food, for some it’s a bad habit that becomes an addiction, for others the temptation is sexual in nature.  Regardless of the temptation you face, you can overcome it.

Tonight I gave in to a temptation; I ate 2 very unhealthy cookies. Some people might not think that’s a big deal, but the truth is that it was not the only temptation I was facing today. Instead of giving in to other temptations or unhealthy thought patterns, I gave in to the easiest temptation in front of me. The key words here, I gave in.  I made a choice.  I admit I made poor choices today, the cookies being just one of them.  But I know that tomorrow, next week, next month, there will be more choices to make.  I may have made mistakes today, but in order to break free of future temptations I need to be willing to accept that I am weak and will fail sometimes. But I know here’s hope….

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

We all struggle with something.  It could be a battle over our eating choices, breaking free from an addictive behavior, or  a relationship we shouldn’t be in.  Sometimes our thoughts can tempt us to go down a road we shouldn’t.  In the end it’s up to us how we react to the temptations we face.  I challenge you to not face the struggle alone.  Find others to hold you accountable.

Are there things in your life you are struggling to overcome?  Is willpower enough to win that battle? Why or why not?

Is there someone who can help you build better boundaries in your life so you can avoid and ultimately overcome temptation?  What small step can you take today to break free of the temptations that are weighing you down?

I know a big part of my motivation to be physically fit is my health.  In the last few weeks I’ve recognized a more hidden motivation that I am not thrilled to admit.  In the last week or so the more I’ve thought about it and gotten excited about my weight loss, I’ve realized that I’m also doing this for Dean. I think a part of me is trying to lose weight so I can feel like I’m “good enough” to keep Dean’s interest, to be the wife he deserves.  Because I’ve always been afraid of losing him; and honestly why would he stick around when I look like I did?

Growing up the “big” girl I knew that looks were important. I always doubted Dean’s true intent in our relationship.  I knew he was different from other guys, but I still struggled to accept he wanted me for me. Years of being mistreated for how I looked helped establish a firm foundation of insecurity deep in my heart.  Dean will tell you even after 16 years of being together I still question his sincerity when he tells me that I am beautiful.

Looking back at pictures from the last few years I began to question his truthfulness anew.  How could he have found me beautiful when the girl he fell in love with all those years ago was half of who I was now?  I didn’t love myself so why should Dean (or anyone for that matter) love me?

In the last few months we’ve been actively working to communicate better and to rebuild the foundation of our marriage for many reasons.  He’s told me he tells others about the progress I’ve made on my weight loss journey. This again makes me question the fact that he truly loved me when I was fat. Was he ever proud of me before?

But the truth is, deep down under all this skin there is a beautiful woman. I know that that is the woman he loves.  I also know that she is not the same woman he fell in love with 16 years ago; which is good news for both of us.  Whether I look at pictures from 15 years ago, 10 years ago or a few months ago, I will never be that person again.  Just like I can never go back to being that skinny girl (who ironically thought she was fat) I was in high school.

So what is this hidden motivation I mentioned earlier?  I want my husband to truly look at me and find me beautiful. To not have to look past the outward appearance to find her, but to see her plainly shining through.  This means I need to keep working to get physically fit, but also means I need to continue striving to be a better wife, mother, friend, and servant.

I want to be worthy of his love.  I feel blessed that even though I doubt his sincerity, I have had and always will have an amazing man beside me who loves me no matter what size I wear or what number the scale says, because “that’s what love is all about”.  No matter how hard it is to admit, the first step is accepting the fact that I think I am beautiful.

I admit that all the kind words of encouragement I’ve been getting from others about my weight loss leaves me with a bad feeling. What did they think of me before?  If I’m beautiful now, what was I then?

For someone who struggles with insecurity, accepting what people say can be difficult.  It’s something I’m working on and luckily I’m not who I was, so it’s getting easier.  I just hope one day I can see the same beauty that everyone else does.  I’m going to keep working on it, hopefully one day I won’t roll my eyes when Dean tells me I look good but will actually agree with him.

“I’m Not Who I Was”

(Brandon Heath)

Well today is day 30 of my Slim in 6 journey.  There are only 12 days left before I can take my “after” photos.  While the scale has only gone down about 7 lbs since beginning this workout program 5 weeks ago, I’ve lost quite a few inches. A lot of the reviews I’ve read about Slim in 6 state that the most significant changes come in the last 2 weeks.  I’m looking forward to big changes either on the scale or on the measuring tape this week.

If you asked me yesterday if I feel healthier than I did before I would have said yes. I did a total of 2 hours of exercise yesterday. I ran last night and felt great.  Today I’m feeling the effects of the weather and stress on my body. I woke up with intense knee and back pain.  I know the changes in the weather negatively impact my body and that late fall/winter tend to be difficult for me in terms of coping with pain and depression.  Despite the pain today I still pressed play.  I worked up a good sweat and slightly modified some of the workout to spare my knees from any added stress.

Today I don’t feel healthy, fit or strong. Will I let it stop me? No way.

I learned a long time ago that I can’t give in to the weaknesses of this frail human body.  If I did I’d probably stay in bed every day.  I have a life to live, dreams to achieve, and a family to take care of.  Giving up is never an option.

What challenges do you need to overcome to reach your goals?  Is it worth it to you to keep pushing through even when your weaknesses or the chaos of life try to hold you down?  If not I’d say it’s time to re-think your goals. Set goals and reach for dreams that you are passionate about.  If your heart is committed to it then your body will follow.  I encourage you to push through the pain of whatever it is you are dealing with and keep moving towards success.

Recently the kids school had themed days to celebrate homecoming. One day the theme was superheros.  They got to wear superhero attire to school.  Bo wore a cape and Zeke wore a power rangers costumer.  I asked if a Power Ranger is a superhero. Bo said yes, he saves the world.  I jokingly said, with one ninja move at a time. Bo said “no”.  I asked “2 ninja moves at time?” He said “no”.  I asked, “5 ninja moves at a time?”  He did some ninja moves as if to count them and said, “Yes”.

Moms are kind of like superheros.  We save the world one ninja move at a time. With one hand we wipe a kid’s face, with another hand we stir food on the stove, then we quickly swing around and stop one kid from hitting the other, pivot back to cooking, run to the fridge and back, sign off on our kids homework, and somehow get the kids seated at the table with a fully prepared meal.  Ok, we may not save the world, but we sure know how to save dinnertime.

Everything we do as moms shows others what our values are.  You may homeschool, you may send you child to private school, or your kids might go to a public school.  You may sit down with your kids afterschool to help them with homework or you may hire a tutor to.  You might spend more time on the internet than reading to your kids (yep I’m so guilty of that one).

Your kids, and others, see the choices you make everyday about how you will spend your time.  One morning last week as I was exercising Caleb came in the room to talk to me. He had been up for a while and had already known Dean was exercising downstairs (yes this message applies to dads too, so sub mom for dad whenever necessary).  Score one for mom and dad, we just taught Caleb exercise and healthy choices are important.

The other day Caleb was watching over my shoulder while I was on the computer. He saw me working on something for church. He was really impressed and mentioned how cool it was that I was updating the church webpage. Score 2 for mom, I taught Caleb women can have technology skills and that it’s cool to volunteer your time for ministry.

The kids see me read my textbooks for school and work on homework. I hope this teaches them the value of a good education, but also that if you want it you need to work hard to get it.

The kids see their mom and dad hugging and kissing.  I know some parents who don’t show affection in front of their kids, or well anyone.  I want my kids to know that marriage is important. I want them to know that they need to show their spouse that they are cared for and loved, by holding hands, kissing, and sometimes just talking to each other.  We also fight in front of our kids sometimes. yep, we fight.  All good couples do.  Not a lot, but when we do we don’t try to hide it and we make sure the kids know it’s okay for us to disagree.

The point is, everything you do impacts someone else.  It might be your kids, it might be your neighbor, spouse, a friend, or co-worker. Whether you know it or not, others are looking to you for guidance on how to be a better mom (or dad), spouse, friend, co-worker, volunteer, etc.

What do your actions (or inaction) say to others around you? Do your actions accurately reflect your values? Do others think you are a superhero or do they think you need someone to save you?  

What small changes can you make today that will help your values align with how you spend your time?  This could mean getting off of facebook and talking to your spouse, putting down that brownie and going for a walk, or reading the Bible instead of watching tv.

How can you be a superhero that others look to for inspiration and help?

Do you know someone who is a superhero? Tell them how their actions and words have helped rescue you.  Chances are they don’t even know they are a superhero.  They deserve your encouragement and thanks for all they do for others.

Today I went for a run in Blue Ash to get a better feel of the park we’ll be meeting at to run/walk on Saturday mornings in October. I’ve gone once before and loved the serene setting.  A year ago, this park was a working airport.  When I was working last year my office was across the street from this park.  From our windows we could see and hear airplanes coming and going throughout the day.  I would enjoy catching glimpses of small planes throughout the day. Sometime in the last year the city announced it would be turning the airport into a community park.  When I first saw the designs for the new park I was impressed.  They will have a lot of great spaces and activities available at the park when it’s complete.  For the last few months they have been working on making changes to convert the airport into a park.

Today as I ran I only saw a few people taking advantage of the park.  I imagine as the park nears completion it will get busier. For now, it’s an ideal place to run and/or walk.  There are wood chip paths throughout wooded settings. I prefer to run on the concrete and today I stayed on the old airport runway. Last time I went I did a little path running as well as the concrete runway.  My knees appreciate the concrete better. For the second half of my run I was completely alone on the runway today.  Birds flew bye, calling out a greeting to me as they went by.  Though I could see trucks working in the distance, it was eerily quiet.  The sun was up and shining down on me.  I was alone, but I knew I wasn’t.  I try to spend time in prayer while I run.  It helps me multi-task my time. But in all honesty, it’s difficult to be in a setting that is screaming that there is a loving, intelligent creator looking down on us and not offer up thanks to Him.

In the middle of this corporate town, there’s this small piece of heaven.  I am sure others drive by it everyday without giving it a second glance.  Today as I ran through the heart of this park I marveled at the world we live in.  Our skies can display amazing varieties of colors. This time of year even the trees become a beautiful tapestry. Not far this this secluded area, people drove by who were hurriedly going from one thing to another.  Tons of office buildings are within walking distance, full of people engrossed in doing whatever they can to make more money to provide for themselves and their family.  I wondered how many of them have taken the time to slow down and go for a walk at this park.  This park that is a quiet reminder that in the midst of our chaos, there is a loving Creator who made our earth and designed it in such a way as to give us pleasure simply by looking at it.

I’m blessed to get the chance to take time today, and many days, to stop and enjoy the world I live in.  Do you make time to revel in the majesty of the created world around you? Do you see then fingerprints of God in the trees, flowers, animals, and sky?  Do you take time to thank Him for giving us these daily reminders of His presence in our world?

Today I challenge you to look for a place near your home or work where can find solitude and connect with our Creator. He made this world for you, because He loves you.  He desires to connect with you, in the middle of the chaos all around you.  Today I encourage you to make time to be still and know He’s there.

Psalm 46:10

New International Version (NIV)

Today as I clean up the house for mom’s group tomorrow, I was wiping away evidence that three messy kids and 2 dogs live here. How you ask? I was using my favorite cleaning product ever, a magic eraser. Dirty fingerprints, stains where the dog food splatters on the wall, smudges from shoes, you name it, the magic eraser wipes away almost all traces of chaos in my home. I’m a clean freak, there’s no doubt about it. I am sure my cleaning could be considered obsessive. Today as I look around my home I see evidence that I’ve let go of control of the cleanliness of my home. Our vacuum is broken, again. I have been so focused on exercise, homework and church work that I’ve barely taken time to make sure the sink is empty each day or that much else is done. For me this is an added stress, I want my home to be clean, but I also want to exercise, need to get my homework done and have obligations to fulfill at church. I’ve decided that for me cleaning isn’t a high priority anymore, even though I’d like it to be. Just like I can’t get my house in tip top shape every time I want to spend time with friends, I can’t fix myself magically either.

You can’t magically erase everything in your life, your personality, or past to make yourself perfect. There are marks we can’t get rid of, from stress, from exposure to pain, from time. Others can see how we prioritize things in life by how we act, look, and talk. Are there things in your life that you’d like to magically erase? Knowing that these are all parts of you and your story, what can you do to learn to accept that your life is as God designed it to be? That you are wonderfully and fearfully made?  How can you encourage others to love themselves, even though there are parts of their life they wish would disappear?

As I focus on getting physically fit I become more and more aware of the parts of my body that I want to change, the areas I want to lose the most weight, to get the most toned.  I can’t magically wish it away.  I have to work hard every day to commit to lifestyle changes that bring about those changes.

What can you do this month to commit to erasing parts of your life you don’t like, like your thighs, past hurts, or words you wish you’d stop using? Are there things in your life that you can erase by working to get healthy? By talking to a counselor, friend or pastor? Can you erase bad habits from your life?  If you think you can’t, I challenge you to dare to do the impossible. Others haven’t given up hope on you, so don’t give up on yourself!

This weekend we saw that our favorite speaker was teaching at VCC. Due to the need to frequently serve, it’s common that we don’t get to engage in worship or listen to the message at BACC very often. I was feeling like I needed fed and what better way to get fed than to return “home”. As he ended his message in prayer, Joe read a scripture.

He read Isaiah 40:29-31:

I’m weary.  I’m tired.  Granted I’m feeling a lot better than I have in the past, but this last week I’ve become aware of the signs that I was heading into a downward spiral.  A few years ago, as we were getting Bo treated and diagnosed with aspergers I sought help for myself. I saw many of my symptoms manifest in Bo’s behavior.  For years I’ve battled depression and anxiety and I have done so without the help of medication.  I rely on my faith, God and my supportive husband to help me through when things get overwhelming.  Around the time Bo was diagnosed with aspergers I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder.  It was not news to me that something was wrong, but the meds that were offered only made me worse.  So I’ve gone for years without treatment.  It’s a silent battle and this last week it’s been hard to hide.  I’ve cleared my schedule this week and retreated to the safety of my home to cope.

On Monday I’ll go see a new doctor in hopes of finding out if the diagnosis was correct and if so learn how to treat it.  I’m hopeful and excited about this amazing opportunity.  I don’t doubt the fact I’m seeing this doctor was divinely planned. The story how it happened is truly amazing, I cried when my doctor called to tell me about the chance to see this doctor.  The timing seems divinely appointed as well.

This is part of my journey. I could hide it, but as I’ve bared all through this fitness journey it’s only fair that you see the whole journey and not just a part. I wanted to share the rest of my story.  As I work to get physically fit, I know I need to be emotionally and mentally fit as well. It’s something I’m working on, on a daily basis.  This weekend as I heard Joe read the promises in Isaiah, I clung to them.  I have seen in the last few months that God has given me the ability to run and not grow weary, to walk and not faint.  I know he’s given me strength when I’m weak. This week its been hard when I don’t feel strong to keep pushing myself, but it’s in my weakness that He is glorified.  I know that today’s obstacles will make an amazing story tomorrow, or next week, when I look back and see how far I’ve come.  Sometimes it’s hard to remember those promises and to persevere when your mind is telling you lies.

Today I’m clinging to the promises of God.  I know this battle is one that He can conquer.  My favorite song right now is Overcomer by Mandisa.  I might not feel like an overcomer today, but with His help I will be.

What are you struggling to overcome today? Whatever it is, know that you don’t have to do it alone.  God’s word is full of promises that not only are encouraging, but are true!

If you are feeling tired, weary, and defeated, who can you turn to to help encourage and support you through your journey?  Have you ever told anyone your whole story, without leaving out your weaknesses or failures?  If not, I encourage you to reach out and allow your vulnerability to open the door for genuine community with others.   We were designed to live in community with others.  It’s hard to feel defeated when you have a team of cheerleaders encouraging you every step of the way. Today I’m grateful for all of you who are on this journey with me and keep cheering me on.