I wish you could see me now…

I know a big part of my motivation to be physically fit is my health.  In the last few weeks I’ve recognized a more hidden motivation that I am not thrilled to admit.  In the last week or so the more I’ve thought about it and gotten excited about my weight loss, I’ve realized that I’m also doing this for Dean. I think a part of me is trying to lose weight so I can feel like I’m “good enough” to keep Dean’s interest, to be the wife he deserves.  Because I’ve always been afraid of losing him; and honestly why would he stick around when I look like I did?

Growing up the “big” girl I knew that looks were important. I always doubted Dean’s true intent in our relationship.  I knew he was different from other guys, but I still struggled to accept he wanted me for me. Years of being mistreated for how I looked helped establish a firm foundation of insecurity deep in my heart.  Dean will tell you even after 16 years of being together I still question his sincerity when he tells me that I am beautiful.

Looking back at pictures from the last few years I began to question his truthfulness anew.  How could he have found me beautiful when the girl he fell in love with all those years ago was half of who I was now?  I didn’t love myself so why should Dean (or anyone for that matter) love me?

In the last few months we’ve been actively working to communicate better and to rebuild the foundation of our marriage for many reasons.  He’s told me he tells others about the progress I’ve made on my weight loss journey. This again makes me question the fact that he truly loved me when I was fat. Was he ever proud of me before?

But the truth is, deep down under all this skin there is a beautiful woman. I know that that is the woman he loves.  I also know that she is not the same woman he fell in love with 16 years ago; which is good news for both of us.  Whether I look at pictures from 15 years ago, 10 years ago or a few months ago, I will never be that person again.  Just like I can never go back to being that skinny girl (who ironically thought she was fat) I was in high school.

So what is this hidden motivation I mentioned earlier?  I want my husband to truly look at me and find me beautiful. To not have to look past the outward appearance to find her, but to see her plainly shining through.  This means I need to keep working to get physically fit, but also means I need to continue striving to be a better wife, mother, friend, and servant.

I want to be worthy of his love.  I feel blessed that even though I doubt his sincerity, I have had and always will have an amazing man beside me who loves me no matter what size I wear or what number the scale says, because “that’s what love is all about”.  No matter how hard it is to admit, the first step is accepting the fact that I think I am beautiful.

I admit that all the kind words of encouragement I’ve been getting from others about my weight loss leaves me with a bad feeling. What did they think of me before?  If I’m beautiful now, what was I then?

For someone who struggles with insecurity, accepting what people say can be difficult.  It’s something I’m working on and luckily I’m not who I was, so it’s getting easier.  I just hope one day I can see the same beauty that everyone else does.  I’m going to keep working on it, hopefully one day I won’t roll my eyes when Dean tells me I look good but will actually agree with him.

“I’m Not Who I Was”

(Brandon Heath)