Wisdom from my walk

I just received a beautiful flower arrangement from my hubby.  I was hoping to get out to get some champagne or wine for tonight but I cant figure out how to do it w/ three kids!  oh well…hoping everything else works out like I want.  praying the kids all get in bed on time and stay there!  I am looking forward to child free uninterrupted time…so we can catch up on all the shows we’ve tivo’d. 😉

8 years ago today I was anxious and excited because it was my wedding today.   Family and friends came from miles away to be a part of our special event.  Today I am anxious and excited, and almost giddy.   It’s been a week or so since I’ve seen Dean and tonight he’ll be home.   It’s like a long waited homecoming although it’s just been a week.  Dean and I have been together for a long time, considering our age.  The longest we were apart like this was when I went to college for a spring semester in Baltimore and he was in Ohio.   After that semester I left to be with him because we missed each other too much and that November got married.   Ever since then we’ve been together.  We go to the store together, to church together, to events together.  As a family or a couple we are typically doing it together.    So when he’s gone not only is it difficult because managing 3 kids alone is hard, but it’s hard physically and emotionally.  I was telling someone yesterday that after a few days all i want is a hug, from anyone will do.   Just to have that touch from someone who cares.   Emotionally it’s draining to deal with life’s issues alone and especially as others around you are turning to you for help because I would tend to talk to Dean and he’d offer me the words I’d need to hear.  he can do that on the phone now but it’s just not the same.   again, I think it has a lot to with having that physical touch sometimes, just feeling not so alone.

but I feel like I have a surge of energy, not to do things but just from the excitement.  almost as if I know no matter what happens today that at the end of the day I’ll be in my love’s arms and if I can make it through this day than it will be worth the struggles just to be with him again.  silly I’m sure but it does help to know there’s an end in sight.

the seller of the house in Ohio has until 9 pm tonight to counteroffer, accept or reject our offer on their home.   both realtor, one from ohio and our baltimore agent called me before 9 today, and both sounded positive so it has helped feeling like they are both doing their jobs today and are invested in this for us, and today that helps me a lot, considering how the past few days have gone on the home buying/selling front.   so a lot going on today, all things I cant control, I just have to be patient and at the end of the day there will be news of some sort, and I can share that news with my hubby when he gets home from the airport.   So there’s a lot to be anxious about today, but I’ve got too much to do in the meantime, so I’m going to focus my energy on the tasks that must get done today and that I want to get done before hubby gets home.  it’s going to be a busy day!  a good but busy day…

Sometimes I think there’s a sign on me that only others can see that says, hey talk to me about your problems…good listening ears available here.  I dont mind, in fact I like knowing people trust me enough to share their life’s joys and struggles and feel safe to do so.   But I feel so inadequate at offering an encouraging word or advice. It’s sad that I have been through some struggles that I can relate to some issues others are going through, but then there’s time when I just dont know what to say.  In those times my heart breaks.  All around me lately friends and families lives are being torn apart, hearts are  breaking, and my heart is too.

Today when I took Caleb to school, I saw our older next door neighbor, she was on the way back from walking her granddaughter to school.  I asked her if she’d mind sitting w/ the little ones in the van while I walked Caleb into school so I wouldnt have to unload them, and she said yes.  So on the drive home she shared with me some of her families struggles.   this family lost one of their twin daughters as a teen in a car accident years ago. they have always talked to me about the pain this brings them, I have no experience losing a child or anyone very close to me and I feel so insecure about why God has placed me in these conversations when I feel like I cant help them.  So today she shared that her eldest daughters husband died this weekend.   I again didnt know what to say.  I like to think that sometimes maybe all people need is a sounding board, someone to just listen and not say anything because sometimes I just feel like I cant offer my comfort.

sometimes I feel good about helping someone through a tough time, like that time i had all the right words, and I know that’s because God helped me through them.  then these last minute didnt see it coming moments happen and I feel so lost as to what to say.  I can only hope my words were encouraging and let God do the rest.

But sometimes there are days or weeks when it seems all that happens in my days is these kind of conversations.  that all around me someone is greiving or struggling with something and there I am and need to be supportive.  it really puts things in perspective when I complain about my husband not being home for 2 weeks when you know some people’s husbands may never come home.  that’s one of my biggest fears in life, and I cant imagine going through it for whatever reason.

I dont work outside of the home so I know I have more time than others to devote to relationships, and sometimes that makes me feel guilty when I dont take that time to invest in others.   but weeks like this one wear me out, emotionally.   I was in tears so much this last week over others lives and I know for some all I can do is pray.

Some days I just pray that one phone call I get or email is a positive one, not one giving me more news I wasnt expecting or dreading.  but most of all I pray that God gives me the words and strength to help others when those calls or emails come.

Several families very close to me are going through a lot of turmoil right now, one too close to home for my comfort and I am so torn up.  I dont want to leave my family and friends to go to Ohio knowing they need our support during these times in their lives.   I only pray that we can be a help to them no matter how far we are from them.

good news…Deaner comes home tonight…I’m amazed at how strong I’ve become these last few years after going through so many things and making it through another week or so without my helpmate gives me comfort to know that we can make it through, even if it’s another week or months before we are truly together as a family.    happy 8 year wedding anniversary to me!!

I swear he is the cutest baby ever, even in what was Caleb’s first halloween costume.

and the 2nd cutest kid ever goes to the snot dripping, jealous green eyed, roaring Boasaurous!!(he’s trying to sport Zeke’s costume hat)

well some of them make me sad..like the pics of my hubby and kids…but all of this pics remind me of how blessed we are. our kids are absolutely gorgeous. I look at them and am amazed at how we got so blessed with this cute kids.

click more for more pics…

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i am losing faith that this move is what we should be doing.   it’s just not going to work out financially, cant sell the house, cant buy til we sell…..I am so scared we are going to be living separately until Spring.    who buys a house for sale in the winter???   I dont know what to do besides have Dean look for a job back here.   It’s been almost a month since he started working there…feels like it’s been forever.   just needed to vent…

i just want to scream!!!! this home buying/selling process is driving me nuts, my husband too…he tends to miscommunicate things. I was waiting on a call from the realtor and when I got it I was suprised to find out nothing had been done like I thought so now I am pissed.

caleb failed his hearing test at school today, made him an appt for friday w/ the pediatrician.

bah…one of those days I suppose. babysat for my friend this morning whose hot water heater broke overnight. just another manic monday…..