Well we are home again. We'd been in Ohio for a full week, which was very restful for us. But we were ready to be home. Caleb was very ready to be home. He was the happiest little boy when he got home and ran around and when he laid down to go to bed you could just see his relief to be in his bed not the pack and play again. About half way home today he kept asking for grandmom and granddad and kept doing so and even once home asked for them, and I suspect he will for a few days, but he really did miss the comforts of home, as did we. We've slid very easily back into our routine, laundry is already being done, we've twiddled away at the puter for a while and now Dean's ignoring me for some game , same old same old. It's nice. nice to be home. Be nicer if we hadnt turned the heat off for a week though!!
It was a very quiet week, mostly. thanksgiving was spent w/ 20 of our closest friends and family there, but it was great. I particularly enjoyed getting to play cards a lot while we were there. Our neices helped watch Caleb some so we could enjoy the other adults, so he had fun and so did we! The worst part about being sick was not enjoying the great food that was made. Everytime I'd try to eat something yummy it would either taste horrible( my taste buds are all wacky from the medicines) or it would make me sick. So I ussually either suffered by not eating at all or by being sick. I preferred the not eating part much better. I was silly and ate a big breakfast today before we drove off for home and got very sick on the drive home, so that added a lot of stops to our already lengthy drive.
Speaking of eating or not eating, since I was in the hospital 3 weeks ago and started new medicine I've lost 20 lbs. I think it's good but I am getting worried I'm losing too much too fast especially since it's mostly because I dont eat or when I do I get so sick, I am putting off calling my dr because I dont want to have to find out what comes next, plus I dont mind losing weight that I need to lose, although I know I should do it the healthy way since I know it will be hard to keep this weight off if it's from not eating cause eventually I'lll have to eat right? or maybe not if my stomach doesnt adjust to this new medicine.
Well theres tons more I want to say but I'm tired so I think I'll save it for another day.... say extra prayers for Cheryl and Eli this week!!!
It's snowing! in Ohio at least! and since that's where we are today that's all that matters!!! wohoo!! we're off this afternoon to the mall, not to shop but to volunteer to wrap Christmas presents at the mall w/ our old church. They do it for free at the mall during the peak holiday shopping season. Ought to be interesting!!! Snow, wrapping presents, what more do you need, you'd think it was closer to christmas, but it's only the day after thanksgiving!! hope everyones having a great week!!
It's been about a week since i started taking Topamax as just another med to help alleviate symptoms of pseudo tumor cerebri. I was excited because my dr said it helps you lose weight. sure, why not try something that will help me feel better and lose weight in the process. Little did I know what I would lose along the way. I've read others blogs who have described it as losing themselves. I dont know yet how to describe it. I definitely am not myself. I at best have described it as becoming someone else or having a personality crisis.
Pre-meningitis and this bout of bad pseudo tumor I was able to complete a zillion feats in one day, although I would say I'd tire quicker than some people but I also would do lots in a days work. Laundry, cleaning, having fun w/ Caleb, drives to the park, walks to the playground, visits to the mall, store and short hour drives away to visit a friend of mine. not to mention getting up early taking Dean to work and making sure to be around to pick him up from work at 5. I'm sure there's lots more I could mention but hopefully you get the point, the job of a stay at home mom is quite busy. I used to do it w/ ease, I used to be able to do and watch my friends children 2 days a week as well. This week I've left the house twice during the daytime w/ caleb( not counting taking Dean to and from work) once to the playground since it was like 60 degrees out and sunny and I felt guilt ridden for having him houseridden cause I was so sick. One day I went out and took him to a friends house so she could keep him all morning, he enjoyed playing w/ her son so that was good for him, and I sat at the shop waiting for our car to be fixed. I think that's all we've done all week. I've done my best to occupy his time but it's mostly been tv time for him because I've no energy to maintain keeping up w/ him and the house stuff all day. I'm lucky to get either done well all day.
I used to be able to multi task, now I cant even finish sentences sometimes w/out forgetting what I was saying. Sometimes it's as bad as forgettting what the word is for what I'm trying to say. I stutter sometimes even because of this. Yes, oddly enough I can write my thoughts out. Sometimes not as quickly as I hoped but it comes easier than saying it.
I wont even go into detail about what this drug has done for my sex drive just let me leave it at I am not devoid of any feeling. Now that statement is true of any feeling really, not just sexually. I feel void of any sense of anything. I tend to be an emotional person. This week nothing. I dont know what to do with myself.
I was talking to my friend today and she said I should talk to my dr soon about it, I am not supposed to see him for weeks. I dont know if I can handle this for weeks. I dont know if it's worth it to take this medicine. Aside from the negative side effects it's not making me feel any better as far as my pseudotumor is concerned. Everything I've read about the medicine says that these can be normal effects so I dont know that it matters if I call him or not?
I was having a hard enough time coping as it was with being unable to function due to my health now I'm unable to function more because I feel like I'm losing my mind. No wait, I feel like I'm already lost. Not that all of the changes are bad, Dean said some of it is good, so I can see how he feels sometimes, I dont think he understands though that it's not like I chose to take on his feelings, it's like someone stripped me of my feelings and replaced them w/ someone elses. It's very scary. It's so hard to describe w/out making myself sound dilllusional but I dont what to say. I had to get this out before I called my dr w/ it, I figure if I try to rehearse it enough times it might start make more sense to me and thus maybe might make sense to him, but heck, he will probably understand more than I think or know. Since his head is screwed on tighter than mine is right now. Off to try to get on with the rest of this crazy new life being dealt to me.
I wish you could hire a nanny, maid and dry cleaner all to come to your home when you are sick and bill it to your insurance company. My thought for the day. Maybe I'll be the great one who makes up such a system and rakes in the dough!! but I doubt it....make it an insurance plan specifically for stay at home moms/dads! wohoo. now that sounds like a great plan...if only there was a way to financially back it somehow?
I was catching up on reading some other people's blogs when I realized that my life may be complex right now and that I might be really sick, but it's all about perspective. There are people out there dealing with bigger issues in life. Sure my issues are pretty big ones, but I am alive and breathing (although not so well today) and can enjoy my adorable 2 year old son's hugs and kisses.
I love my son. He can now count to 15 by himself!! He says his ABC's almost perfectly w/out coaching. He says thank you w/out coaching and excuse me if you are in his way. He's quite polite for a two year old! Today he was full of hugs and kisses for Dean and I. It's been nice. He may be the only son I bear and I love him and am very thankful to God for our little miracle boy.
My hubby. It's been quite a few years since we met, at least 12 or so. We've been married for 5 of those years and parents for 2. For the last year and half I've been dealing w/ a rare health condition. Right now the condition is the worst it's ever been for me. From Jan 2003- Oct 2003 I was drug free and in remisssion from the condition. I went to the dr in October and started a med for the condition as it had started to get bad. About a week or more ago I got meningitis which severly complicated my prior health condition. I am now on 4 medicines and feel worse than I did a month ago when I went into the dr to tell him I thought my condition was back. through it all my hubby has been super supportive and is trying to arrange a sitter for Caleb as often as possible since I'm not phsyically up to watching him all day alone, and he's even doing laundry and cleaning house(more than he used to ;-) ) It's straining my relationship with my husband, my son, my family and friends . I want to be superwoman but I cant. Today I decided I cant do it all and am going to try to do better to accept help from others as I've come to learn I am not up to doing it all by myself. I dont know when I'll be better or even how we'll get me to that point. the meds might be helping but we wont know right away. I've lost weight, about 12 lbs since I went to the ER a week and a half ago. Thats good but it mainly because I cant eat much without getting ill.
I didnt mean to whine, I wanted this to be an entry letting you know how grateful I am for all the help I've gotten and for the great family I have, but when you feel like I do all of the time it's hard not to be negative, I am trying to work on that, but I think until I start to feel better it will be hard. Our church family arranged for different people to bring meals every other day for a week. Our last meal came last night, or so we thought. This morning when we got to church some friends had some lasagna ready for us to take home with us and my mom brought us some chili today too. It's been nice, made us not have to go grocery shopping so helped us save money, which we used to buy those 4 new meds, so the meals were truly a blessing. I received many an encouraging card and phone call from family and friend this past week and half. It's great to have people who care, but today it was hard to force myself to go to church because I didnt want to have to answer the ultimate question: how are you? I didnt want to lie and say fine, but I didnt want to complain and say well honestly I feel horrible. by the time we left church I was so exhausted both from socializing and worshipping. The main problem about talking to people is most of the church family doesnt know about my condition, they were just told I had meningitis and thats it. so the meningitis is gone and that is fine. but it caused my psuedo tumor to be so bad that I am doing pretty bad now, so I didnt want to have to go into detail w/ everyone . So I basically had to make a judgement call and based on who it was asking me the question I'd be honest no matter what and some people I just told I was tired and achy others I told the whole nine yards, including about the tumor stuff. We're considering sending out an email to the church family w/ more details so people understand more of what's going on with me and that my recovery is more than just getting over meningitis. Email is how most communication at large takes place unless we are all at the church together. When I was sick we told one person who email the whole church mailing list w/ the prayer request that I was in the hospital and every day they sent an email w/ an update on how I was. It's a great system. but I dont know if I want everyone to know. Dean says I have an issue w/ pride, and I know I do, my biggest problem is I want to be strong, I dont want to be labeled and I dont want people to feel sorry for me, but I also want them to understand why I may not be involved w/ things for quite some time. It's a hard thing to do. I dont want to be fake, I dont want to hide who I am , but I dont want to burden anyone either. Does that make any sense?
Well while i sit here writing, I am burdening Dean w/ putting Caleb to bed alone, so off I go to help out.....let me know what you think....
Hello all! My drs appt this morning went well, better than I expected. My right eye is better, my left eye which is the one that I had surgery on a year ago is not better yet, looks better than a week ago but still is pretty bad. So I have to go to my eye specialist for that. I am excited about a new medicine my dr is trying on me, it is for migraines but helps you lose weight. I am already losing some because the other new medicine makes my appetite crazy and makes me feel sick, so with any luck instead of gaining holiday pounds I'll shed some. I am doing my best to un carb my meals. I went and bought some crystal light, and am going to try to use Splenda when I can instead of sugar. I am such a sucker for holiday cookies though but I know my weakness, so that should help. Of course one of my new meds makes me not like the healthy foods, I couldnt down a salad the other day but I could hold down a brownie or two. How ironic. So with a little help from Dean I think I might actually do well losing weight, I need him to remind me not to eat junk, I am a nut for late night popcorn and chips. I am supposed to be taking salt out of my diet and of course all I have wanted for a week is a bag of salty potato chips. It's not fair I tell you!!! I figure w/ enough motivation I can do this. The more weight I lose the more likely I am to be feeling better quicker, not to mention will get us back on track for trying to get pregnant quicker, so whatever sacrifices it takes, well kind of!!
This being sick thing is doing a number on our check book, I'm up to taking 4 meds now daily so thats new expenses every month, and the copay for a specialist appt w/ our new insurance is $25. That adds up when you have to go a lot or to many different specialist. My er copay last week ate up $50 we werent prepared for. Not to mention I was babysitting and bringing in money every week, I have now lost 3 weeks of that money and we are going away for Thanksgiving so more money lost that week. It's so tough. It's hard to live on a stay at home mom's salary let alone have someone around to watch the kid when I am so sick. I am having a hard time asking for help, or rather accepting it. This is my job, I want to be able to do it, but I physically cant. So looks like our Christmas tree will be bare underneath this year unless a miracle or five takes place before then. I hate that we live well enough to put on the appearance to others that we have it together financially but we are really just barely getting bills paid or paying them late. Let alone not having any money for emergencies or savings so thus this illness is eating away at our bill and going away for Thanksgiving money. I'm not asking for help, just venting. This is very hard for me. I want to live comfortably but we cant. Not unless I go to work and make lots of money, enough of course to pay a sitter and still bring money home. I have a great prospect for nannying to start in January, but now that I am so sick I might have to say no. It would be great money too, I'd take caleb and bring in really good money and only work 2 1/2 days a week. but there would be 4 children total including caleb and right now I can barely keep caleb. Please continue to keep us in your prayers!!!
I have never felt so tired in all of my life! I slept most of the day yesterday. I awoke w/ Dean early this morning and as soon as he left slept and didnt wake up til 11:30 a.m. I've been up for less than an hour and I feel like I just ran a marathon. all I've been doing is sitting in front of the laptop reading online. This meningitis recovery is kicking my butt. I was reading about how long it should be before I feel better because of course I am super mom and supermom needs to be up cleaning and watching caleb and my friends kids asap. I can barely stay awake to watch tv or look online. This sucks. My hubby has been great, taking Caleb away from me so I cant even think about watching him. I miss him so much. When he's around I play hide and seek w/ the bed sheets w/ him since thats about all the energy I have to play w/ him. I feel like Dean is doing double, no triple duty even w/ work and Caleb and housework. I cant do my job. I cant stand it. I am stronger than this right? well guess I am not. I dont see my dr again til Friday, the dreaded appointment when we'll find out if I'll get another spinal tap soon or not. The appt where he'll tell me if the eye damage is correcting itself or not. the OR NOT is the tough part. Not sure what will happen. I am truly scared about my future. we have to put off trying to conceive indefinitely. I honestly think if I hadnt gone to the ER and gotten the spinal tap when I did that I would have lost vision in one of my eyes, thats the course of the disease, the swelling gets bad causing eye damage causing blindness. I wasnt far from the latter I am sure. I knew as my neuro. stepped away from me that things were much worse than ever, just the way he sighed. If I hadnt gotten meningitis I would probably be fine, the psuedo tumor might have gotten worse eventually but not this quickly. If I didnt have psuedo tumor I dont think I would have gotten so many curious drs/med students visiting me at the ER after my spinal tap. Stupid psuedo tumor. Stupid meningitis. They say depression is an after affect of meningitis, I think for me it's the affect of realizing my lost future.
just one more whine: Diamox makes soda tastes very very metallic! Yuck! I love my diet caffiene pepsi or did until I started this medicine. nothing like a good illness to get you to go on a water and cracker diet. I have an appetite but once I eat I get sick so I try not to eat. Great way to quick weight loss!!!
It's been a long long week. Well my last few entries mentioned how sick I was feeling. On Wednesday I felt like I was dying, yet was still home w/ Caleb by myself. On waking Thursday morning felt the same and told Dean he had to stay home. I made a 9 am drs appt and Dean and Caleb went with me. The plan was dr appt, then take Caleb to my friends so he could stay there while I went home to rest and Dean to work. This is how the day ended up going.
9am- Drs appt, was told to go straight to the ER
9:30-10:30 dropped Caleb off at friends, headed the the ER
10:30-12:30 waited in ER waiting room
2:30 cat scan
3:25 MORPHIN is my friend!
3:30 spinal tap
RELIEF!!!!!
was told they were admitting me for at least 48 hours
stayed in ER room until 2 am at which point I was moved to an isolation room, you had to wear a mask to come visit me where I stayed til...
fast forward ...today... I finally left the hospital shortly before 2 pm I believe.
I went in w/ suspected meningitis all the isolation were in case it was bacterial, thank God it ended up being just viral. But the meningitis raises the pressure in your spinal fluid which for me is bad because my pressure is already up w/ the pseudo tumor. So last year this time when I had a spinal tap the pressure was 31, this week it was 51, the normal range is 10-20!!! Not to mention my white blood count was 500 and normal is 0-5! So in reality if I hadnt ended up in the ER things could have been a lot worse, but I now know why I felt like I was dying.
In Dec 2002 I had eye surgery to fix some problems my spinal fluid pressure caused my eyes, and on Thursday my neuro. said that my eyes were worse than they were before my surgery, and my right eye which had not been operated on was worse than it had ever been too. We are hoping w/ treatment things will reverse itself after the meningitis is gone but there's no sure guarantee. I'm on some new meds which keep me from eating much, which is bad cause I havent eaten in almost a week. At least I'll lose some weight quicker than we thought I would. I talked to a dietician briefly today and I think my neuro. is going to set me up w/ someone too, since that was just a hospital staffed dietician.
Just wanted everyone to be updated. I no longer feel like I am dying, but am not yet fully back to myself so keep praying for us. Caleb didnt take my departure for so long well, he's been very cuddly w/ me since I've been home, which is great because I missed him. Friday afternoon Dean had to go get Caleb from his favorite playmates house because he was so upset, and only left him again last night cause my mom came to watch him at our house which calmed him some. today Dean didnt leave him at all, even brought him w/ him to the hospital to pick me up, he couldnt come up to see me so they just waited in the car outside for me. So hopefully Caleb recovers quickly and is back to his old self soon. Hope everyone has a great weekend and a better week!!!
Our little boy's vocabulary seems to be far beyond a 2 yr & 3 months old. His new things to always say is "what you doing?" or "where'd daddy (insert any one he loves) go?" He has also started asking us things and when we answer saying "Oh, ok", or today said "ah, alright." He speaks toddlerese sentences, often putting the noun or adjectives in the wrong part of the sentence, but you can understand it's a full sentence in his head. Last night i was laying on the couch and Dean and caleb were getting ready to leave for church and my cute little boy brought our queen size comforter from our room to the living room and started to cover me up with it, saying mommy sick, mommy all better and he came behind my head and kissed me on top my head, i think he was mimmicking how Dean kisses me on the forehead except caleb kissed the top of my head. It was so sweet. He knew mommy was sick and was trying to help me feel better. I would have cried but I was half asleep!
Speaking of being sick, I am still sick today, still have a fever, luckily the nauseas has subsided but it was replaced w/a horrible sore throat causing me to be barely able to speak or when I do no one can understand me. it's a good thing I dont have a job outside the home or I'd miss work. I wish I had someone to take Caleb for me though, Dean missed work a lot last week because caleb was sick and I was babysitting for my friend. So I hate to make him miss work but I can barely do anything w/ Caleb let alone speak well enough for him to understand. Luckily he's content to veg out in front of the tv, he's getting a bad cough again so thats not a good sign but if he's happy to watch tv right now I promise I'll shower him w/ lots of fun stuff when I get better. Being a stay at home mom is very challenging when you are sick, you dont get a day off. I really need a day off. It was odd cause on Monday night I told dean I was feeling like I needed a break, mostly because I felt so run down and had no energy for dealing w/ Caleb, must have been the bug creeping up on me, it's like I knew I would need a break soon, unfortunately needing one and getting one are two completely different things. My girlfriend who usually helps out when I cant watch Caleb is working today, so she had to find another sitter for her kids as is. Well off to the post office and the bank, errands I shoud have done yesterday but couldnt.
I have had a long long day. We , meaning caleb and I, spent at least 1 1/2 at walmart waiting for them to fill a prescription for me. When I dropped it off they said it would be about 30 minutes so I figured we'd shop and wait it out there. I should have known better. we spent a long time waiting and waiting and waiting. The whole time I was super grouchy and tired, as I have been for a day or two. It wasnt until I got home and laid down on the couch in hopes of alleviating a major headache that I realized something was wrong. I barely had the strength get up again. I was so tired and my head was spinning. I convinced Caleb to lay in our bed watching a movie and I fell asleep before he did. But thank goodness he was tired too. I woke up a few hours later feeling more clear headed but as soon as I'd get out of bed I'd be dizzy and nauseas, great just great I thought. It wasnt until around 3 that I was getting sick of the chills and then feeling hot that I took my temperature. It was only 102!! I dont know when I had a fever like that, probably not since I was a kid, or maybe when I was in labor with Caleb, but I dont think it was that high then.
Dean convinced a co-worker to bring him home since I had the car and I slept the rest of the afternoon/early evening away. I feel a little better now, if I could just get rid of this low grade fever, headache and sore throat. I think I've got the flu. Which should come as no suprise as I've been caring for my own sick child and my friends for a week or two. I thought I had been spared, but not in the least. This is one bad bug. So off to bed w/ me again and hopefully tomorrow I'll be feeling well enough to care for Caleb on my own. Say a prayer or two for me! I honestly dont know when I've ever felt this sick, it's been a long long time. Just hoping Dean doesnt come down with it too.
Check out Dean's page for pics of our new floor!!
Caleb is still pretty sick, he didnt even get to go trick or treating. Although he was in the cutest costume, I'll try to get him in it again and take pics since I was a bad mommy and didnt take any w/ him yesterday. Dean's parents got in town last night, Caleb was so happy to see them, but I think he was the most excited to see their dog. Last night my father in law said something about how we need to get a new kitchen floor, our current one is coming up, Caleb likes to pull at the already ripped peices of flooring we have so we've got some pretty bare spots in the dining room. We, of course, say all of the time how we need to save up the money and do it, but we are lucky lately to get bills paid let alone save any money.
This morning the crew, minus myself, headed to Ikea to get flooring for our kitchen and dining room! I was so happy I had tears in my eyes as I told my best friend over the phone. What a great anniversary gift! Today is our 5 year wedding anniversary. I dont think theres anything I'd be so excited about other than us being pregnant. I wanted to maybe work on getting my office painted this weekend, but thats because it seemed like a cheap easy project, but I'd love to have a new floor! I took some before pics but i'll save them for after we get the new floor put in. Just pray we dont all go crazy trying to get it done. I think it's funny almost every time my in laws come they do some house project for/ with us. It's nice but I feel a little guilty about it. It'll give Dean some good quality time w/ them today though. me I have to prepare for my pampered chef party tomorrow, but I've been procrastinating getting ready for it. I want so to just have romantic plans w/ my hubby this weekend sometime, but I guess it'll be ok. I think we are going to try to go out to dinner tomorrow evening after my kitchen show, and my mom will babysit since the in laws are leaving sometime tomorrow.
well I 've got some suprises to work on for a friend and a party to prepare for tomorrow. Just had to share my exciting news. I dont think it will truly set in til I see the flooring and then see how nice it will look. My father in law was concerned I would be upset because I was letting them and Dean go pick it out, but I have complete trust in my hubby to get something nice and we have looked at it before together so he knows what I think and like. and at this point anything is better than our horrible flooring now. I am so excited. I think more because I dont know what I'll be getting, so it's kind of fun not going to pick it out myself. Just hope Dean made a good choice or it might not be such a great anniversary !!! No really I really dont have anything I'd think I'd hate about flooring. It's not like it comes in neon green! I hope!!!
Hope everyone has a great weekend!!! Happy Anniversary to me!!!