Seems I dont know myself well enough, I thought that I would be quiet around here for a while but I seem more drawn to this place now. I'm dealing w/ bad headaches again and even nasueas again a lot. Today was my first bout w/ seeing spots in my eyes, it's been at least 9 months since that has happened. Mostly has to do w/ the severity of my headches I am sure. I started my meds again yesterday, which makes me wonder if it's working or not since I feel much worse today. Maybe it's causing my body to get back to work and it's fighting it.
It's not easy to take care of 3 kids and feel this way. Luckily Dean was home this morning so he could take caleb to the dr, our poor baby has two infected ears. I knew something was wrong, but Caleb has a high pain theshold so it takes a lot for him to tell us if something hurts, I knew something wasnt right after several restless nights when he wakes up in screaming for us. Not to mention he's just not himself. So needless to say Dean was home a bit this morning and that helps. I dont have to babysit tomorrow so thats good, but my girlfriend wants to go get the kids pictures taken in halloween costumes, so I am hoping I'll feel up to. It's odd how my symptoms started this time of year last year? Very interesting. I'll have to ask my dr about that, maybe it's some sort of cycle my body has.
Hoping to nap w/ Caleb but doubting it will happen. Well gotta tend to the kids, thank goodness for nap time!!!
I think my nerves are getting the best of me. On Saturday, after having a great time at Larriland Farms with friends, I went off on a cashier at Food Lion. This was after the first cashier I tried to go to was rude to me so when the second pushed my buttons I blew. I left Dean to pay and walked away mumbling. Today when trying to make a doctors appt for my son I got rude w/ the receptionist who tried to convince me to just leave a message for the dr since I mentioned he might have pink eye, after going into detail explaining a week ago he went in w/ a fever that the dr misdiagnosed as a stomach flu because I said that morning he had some lose diapers, but if she knew my son she'd know that's not unusual. I walked away last week feeling mad I'd wasted my time and still had a sick son. Now over a week later Caleb is getting high fevers off and on and is coughing very badly. The person who answered the phone today said that she was sure if he was in last week w/ a cough that I was told that its good for him to have a cough, and I told her no that last week she said he only had a stomach bug that she overlooked the cough. Then I "nicely" asked if I could please get my son an appointment to be seen today that I have eyes drops for pink eye and that I need him seen for a cough and fever. She was rude and said I'd have to hold, after waiting five minutes I hung up and burst into tears. No doubt my emotions are all over the place but I am hating how I feel. Every little thing pushes what little of my sanity is left in tact over the last few weeks. I hate being rude and angry towards people but I am so sick of not being listened to. I keep telling Dean I cant take much more, and he's response is "and what will happen if something else happens?" well i just dont know but my emotions cant handle much more of this roller coaster. Dont know if a vacation will help but I know theres no rest in site for me this week or weekend. This weekend is our 5 year wedding anniversary and our weekend is jam packed w/ nothing but non celebratory busyness. i just want to run away and hide for while, too bad I cant even get away for a litlte bit. Dean just called to make an appt for Caleb, they cant seem him til tomorrow. If the darn office opened before 9 am people might be able to get appointments for the same day instead of them getting bombarded w/ calls at 9 am. My friend called her pediatricians office yesterday morning and got an appt for 9:15, today we call our pediatrician and get treated like crap then finally get put off til tomorrow. I used to like our pediatrician office, heck, I used to like everything in our life, but right now nothing makes me happy..
Yeah, well we dont need to worry about how to break the news, we are NOT pregnant. Wont be for quite a while now. I'll be keeping quiet for a while, keep up w/ Dean if you care to see how life is going for us. Back on psuedo tumor medicine first thing tomorrow, what a life for me. yeah I could whine lots today, but got enough on my plate, especially w/ a sick little boy. When life improves I'll gladly share it with you.....
Rules of ettiquette for telling someone you are pregnant, especially if the person you are telling has been trying to get pregnant unsuccessfully for at least 10 months:
do NOT leave a message on their answering machine w/ your GREAT news
do NOT blurt it out as they are walking out the door
do NOT get mad when the receipient of the news cries
DO be considerate
BE understanding
I say this because I am sick of being hurt and guilty about my feelings when others could have been considerate when sharing their GREAT news. We are a few days from knowing if we successfully got pregnant this month and believe me I will keep these rules in mind when I tell others, so do the same! And if I'm not around for a few days dont ask how I am or if we are pregnant or I will kill you!!! Seriously. These better be pregnancy hormones talking or ...or....we wont be able to get pregnant for a few months.
My dr ordered us to stop trying to get pregnant if we are not pregnant this month and to wait a few months to make sure my psuedo tumor isnt back and to go back on treatment for it. I've been medicine free for the 10 months we've been trying to get pregnant. if we arent pregnant this month I go back on drugs and for more appointments. if I am pregnant we know why I am sick, mostly. but theres still a lot we dont know about my condition and pregnancy, so it's still more doctors appts if I am preggo. Pray for peace for me as we wait for answers. and so I dont lose my mind w/ all these pregnant people invading my life w/ their unwanted/unplanned pregnancies. I know it's harsh but it hurts like hell to see all these things going on around me and to not question God.
Hope I dont affend anyone, but I'm a woman who cant get pregnant, and dont want to hear you say, oh everytime we get pregnant we didnt mean to, or all we have to do is look at one another to get pregnant, I'd rather you just shut up and go away than to break my heart more.
Lifes unfair.
Sorry I whined so much but I had to say something or I'd just have to make Dean bear all the burden of my pain, and that's no fun for him alone, so i'd like to share my misery w/ you, as I know you have nothing better to do, or you wouldnt be reading my blog!!
some friends experienced a great loss this week as did some family members. Amidst it there were still some moments of joy. It's been an emotionally and even phsyically challenging week for me. Which ended in me breaking down in church, luckily we've got a great community of friends who comforted me and offered kind words, most of which made me cry more. I accomplished a great thing this week for myself,, doing my first Kitchen Show. Which itself added lots of stressors to my already crazy week. I made it through only w/ a peace I know that God gave me. After the show I was burnt out and went to bed hours earlier than my usual bedtime, but it felt good to be able to crash. Today proves itself to be another challenge for me. Church of course as I've already said, but tonight we have a leadership meeting at church as well, so I've little time in between to handle all these flooding emotions. So the best place to start is here. A blank page in the journey of my life. Too bad we all come w/ baggage, so of course this page is ended w/ fine print that only God can read . I'm off to find more busyness to occupy my weary mind...hoping everyone is having a good weekend. Here's the irony, Dean seems to be doing well through it all, guess it's harder on me, us women were blessed w/ hormones afterall.
my question for God today, how much pain and heartbreak can one person handle!??!?!? both my own question and that of some close friends right now I am sure....
It's been a while huh? No reason for the quiet other than sheer busyness and trying to avoid putting what I am feeling into words. I'm sick, again, I fear w/ the pseudo tumor stuff. Trying to avoid thinking that but my symptoms are pretty much the same. Not pregnant, still, again, never whatever. Sick of dealing with the same feelings month after month. So BLAH!
Luckily I've been busy enough to not have to deal w/ my feelings lately. Started as a Pampered Chef consultant!! My first show is on the 18th, looking forward to it. Got my first order that I can get commission from today. That was exciting. Not super hyped up about getting up in front of people or trying to convince people to host shows for me, but I've got 4 shows lined up already and a handful of maybes so I dont think it will be too hard once I get rolling.
in other news, there is none. Dean has been home sick today and yesterday, today was nice because I was in bed w/ a horrible migraine and wouldnt have been able to care for Caleb alone. We managed to force ourselves up and out to the park for Calebs sake, which was nice since it was like 70 degrees today. We all came back tired and feeling bad so we all took a nap in our bed together for at least 2 hours!! Awoke to actually get some chores done and then head out so Dean could do some work at church and I went to get some Pampered Chef training. Hoping that we'll all awaken tomorrow feeling rested and healthy, praying that actually! Not much to say but complaints today, mostly cause I'm sick and tired. but really things are going great. Our roomates moved out! Wohoo! what was their room is now a 2nd living room and office for me! Am trying to decide what color paint to use to make it truly my space!! So exciting. I have decided we'll not have any more roomates, I'd rather work a job or Dean two so we can make the bills then deal w/ roomate crap. It's just not worth it. I love my home and my space and I need it. It's been quite nice to be just us again. Well if I want to awaken feeling better I better make it to bed soon!