Looks like we might be approved for that house loan!! Dean talked to the mort co today, she said it shouldnt be a problem and she had already pulled our credit reports so thats a good thing! It's just a matter of time now.....
Dean & I have decided to go to dinner and a movie tomorrow instead of a play. I am really looking forward to having a night out! But today I am not feeling so well so hopefully I will be all better by tomorrow night. i woke up sick early this morning and now have a very bad sore throat. I just hope I dont get Caleb sick again. So its off to catch a nap for Caleb & I so we can get rested for an evening out.
happy halloween! I've never been one to celebrate halloween, but I couldnt resist going to get caleb an outfit, its so cute , I cant wait to see him in it. i'll try to get a pic up tomorrow of him in it. We're not going to go trick or treating or anything, we will actually be helping out at church for what they are calling the Family Fun Fest. Today I went up to set up and go only a little done because caleb was fussy.
At 5:30 I wrote that I wanted to go to bed early this evening, it is now shortly after 11 pm and I am wide awake. I watched some tv as Dean and Caleb drifted off to sleep. My show went off so I figured I'd get Calebs bottles ready for the night/early morning. Still not tired. I thought maybe if I sit here a while I'd get tired, no such luck. I feel so alert and ready to go do something, anything, but afterall it is after 11 pm in a town where everything closes at 8 (not really but it feels that way.) So I suppose I will head off to bed to lay there and contemplate the mysteries of life.....but first....we enjoyed a nice dinner with Stacey this evening, seems like we are spending more of our time catching up than really talking. I feel so bad that we move back to be close to family yet I never see my extended family much more than i would had I stayed in Ohio. Same with Stacey, here we are living a few minutes away from each other but our lives are so different now that we are to the point we have to schedule time together...it never used to be that way. used to be you could call someone up and say "are you busy, no, good, lets go do
The morning started when I awoke at 4 am, I fed Caleb and played with him a little before trying to go back to sleep. It took forever for me to fall asleep and before I knew it the alarm was going off, it was 6 am. At 6:30 I went w/ Dean to the train station(Caleb went too) then I got lost on the way home, I'd never driven home myself from there before. So around 7:20 we got home, just in time to feed Caleb by the time he decided he was done it was time for me to get a shower. So I had intended to go back to bed this morning but it never happened. I got ready, got Caleb ready then went to church to paint some signs for the fall festival on Wednesday. I ended up painting w/ one hand and holding Caleb in the other arm! Luckily I was able to put him down, he slept for about a half hour but out of the four + hours I was there thats all the relief he gave me! I got home around 3, finally ate my first meal of the day and then headed to bed to rest but I only got about 30 minutes of good sleep, Caleb kept waking and talking to me! So now its time to make dinner and then go pick Dean up again from the train station! What a day! I think I will try to go to bed early tonight! I am exhausted.
Last night we went out to eat crabs with Dean's family, its become a tradition whenever we are all together it seems. It was nice. Caleb was just adorable, he was showing off like crazy for his grandparents! This morning we all went to church together then had to say good bye to them so they could head back to Ohio and we headed off to a media meeting at church. Then Dean and I picked up some great chinese food, funny thing is we had chinese last sunday afternoon too, but the place we went to today has been the best we've had since we've been here, we love chinese food! Now we are just going to relax for the rest of the afternoon.
The townhouse we looked at yesterday was nice but one dilemma. For $50 more we could get a unit w/ a washer/dryer but they are little ones, not full size. And if we dont get a unit w/ a w/d then there are no hook ups for our own w/d. And there isnt storage space or a basement so we would still need to keep our stuff in the storage place which seems silly. So Dean's parents said they are willing to let us rent their old house, which is the one Dean grew up in here in Balto which they are currently renting out. But they'd let us rent it for less and they said they'd rather have us buy it, for a lot cheaper than they could really get for it on the market. It's a five bedroom house with a nice size yard and nice porch. I am excited about it but we tried to get a home loan a year ago through our bank but because of an old school loan we were denied, but everyone keeps saying if we go through a mortgage co. not a bank it will be easier to get a loan. And we have been caught up on our accts, so it should be okay, we are praying! I cant imagine what we'll do with all that room but I will love having it! I am getting anxious about being able to paint Caleb another nursery! This time it will even be nicer than the room we did for him in Ohio! So keep us in your prayers, we're really hoping it all works out and are looking to move out in December! Dean's counting down the weeks! Me, I am just thinking I dont know where anything is in the storage place, but I guess if we havent had it for the last month and half we can take the time to sort through it in our new home!!
When we moved everything here from Ohio our futon got destoyed, okay, not completely, but we had a white mattress for it and never bought a cover for it cause we liked it white well now its all black! somehow in the moving truck it got filthy, and beyond cleanable Dean says. So I am going to have to look for a futon cover and I think I might try to find a slip cover for our other sofa too I dont like the one we have very much. Thats the best part of moving - having to redecorate!
Thats about all for this weekend, as far as we know Dean's truck is still in the shop and we havent been able to track down my dad to see when it will be ready. And I need to have my car tomorrow to go to the church to get ready for the fall festival on Wednesday so who knows what will happen, if anything I'll have to take Dean to the train station, yippee, taking the baby out in the freezing morning air at 6:30 am! Ah speaking of that, when we move Dean will cut his commute time in half! Thats definitely worth moving out for!
Well yesterday afternoon I took my car to Sears to get it fixed, a brand new battery and an oil change made a world a difference in how the car runs, its amazing how much better its doing. I had to walk around the mall with Caleb for an hour and a half while we waited for them to work on it so by the time I got home I was exhausted. I had just enough time to feed Caleb and go pick up Dean. We picked up some subs and came home to enjoy a nice evening in. It was very relaxing.
Today has been hectic. I woke up and showered and just as I was finishing up Caleb decided he was hungry so we fed him. Then Dean talked to his dad, they were around the corner hoping we were awake already. They arrived in town late Friday night so we didnt expect to see them til at least 11, but we were ready none the less. So we went to IHOP to eat then to Walmart. Got Caleb a cozy cover that fits over his car seat to keep out the cold air. Its adorable, couldnt find a link to it to show you but I will keep looking. I got it at Walmart though. Then we went to look at a townhouse for rent then went to visit with the in laws some more. Finally after that I got to rest a little but looks like we are heading out again so more later.....
My dad jump started my car, so it is now running, but I definitely need a new battery, apparently the one in my car is the same one from when it was brand new, so its 5 years old! So I think we'll be going to get a new battery this weekend.
My car wouldnt start this morning so Dean of course left it and had to get a ride to the train station. So I went out to see if I could get it to start and it was a no go so I figured I'd check the oil, and suprise suprise, it is bone dry. Last time it was bone dry was on the trip here and the car died in stopped and go traffic, we put oil in and it worked. So I tried this today, and once again, a no go. So here I am fearing that I may have burned up the engine and we still owe at least $4500 on the damn lemon so I am not happy. Since we got the car we have had to do so much repair work it isnt funny and the oil problem, its not that I dont check it, theres a leak and I guess I just didnt think it needed checked that often but apparently it does. So I am waiting to talk to Dean to see what we do now. No one is around to try to jump it but that is the next step, with any luck it will start. Can you tell I dont maintain my car very well?
Take a look at our family and our adorable Caleb! (pics taken last weekend)
Dean's truck is still not fixed, it's been at least 3 weeks and it's still in the shop! I hope it is done by the end of the weekend so that I can have my car next week, seems i may actually have things to do. Our church is having a Fall Fun Fest for the kids on Halloween night and I volunteered to help. And looks like I may be helping set up during the days before since most of the volunteers cant help til evening and I can do anything during the day, assuming I have my car!
Speaking of next week, our anniversary is nov 1st, it will be 3 years since we tied the knot! Dean & I met a long time ago, I was 10 or 11 at the time. So although it seems like 3 years isnt that long we have been together a lot longer and known each other for a long time. I am so grateful I have such a wonderful husband and I am looking forward to our anniversary.
Sorry I havent written lately, I've not been busy just occupied with Caleb. We havent done much this week, ok, actually nothing. Today I've been working on house work since we're going to be entertaining Dean's family this weekend and I wont have much time for anything else this weekend.
I've been having dreams about being pregnant again. One night I even dreamt I was going to have twins. I got a little worried last week about it being true but turns out its not. we're not ready for another baby, even if it would be 9 months away. Yet we havent discussed when we want to start trying again. Its kind of like we are going to try to get used to Caleb and then deal with it. It took us two years to finally make Caleb and that was only after a little help from the dr. So I am wary of starting the pill because I am afraid it will make it even harder for me to eventually get pregnant again.
Suprisingly for my age, I've never taken birth control and the thought of the side affects alone is making me cautious. But I think I am going to take the leap and start them I just hope it wont affect my future chance of getting pregnant since we already had problems to begin with. Oh well...any advice would be great.
It's been a crazy weekend. Dean wrote about most of it in his blog. We really did get some cute pics of Caleb in a pumpkin patch. He is adorable. He's so alert and smiles real smiles whenever Dean or I talk to him.
Dean's parents will be visiting this weekend, I am looking forward to it. I am just afraid it will make Dean more depressed about them not being around. He's doing well mostly but I know it bothers him. I remember how it was when I first moved to Ohio but I am sure it is different for him since not only does he miss them but he knows Caleb is missing out too.
Looks to be another dull week for me, no car still. Just more laundry , cleaning and baby tending . I compiled an updated resume on Saturday and sent it out in response to an ad with Johns Hopkins. I really miss working, but I am not looking forward to putting Caleb in day care. he is already showing signs of being a bright child and is so eager to learn and take things in that I am afraid being in a daycare setting he will lose that. I mean I know he wont get one on one attention as much as he should and who knows if they will even try to make sure he gets learning time each day by talking with him and introducing him to new things. Its a horrible dilemma, settle for living without extra cash or staying home with Caleb. We figured out that we will be able to afford to live on Deans check but I still would love to have my own money. Even if it is just being saved for a rainy day. I love my son and love being with him, but I need something to get me motivated outside of the house and I know it would be hard to leave him all day but I cant help but think it will be better for me to go back to work. I dont mind being home with him I just feel like I am missing out on things, I know that is selfish and I know that Caleb will miss out by not having me home, but will he really even care , I mean he's only 2 months old! I dont know. Dean wont say much on the matter so I am not sure what he expects of me. i know some men want their wives home with the kids but with Dean I just dont know what he wants. I sure wish he'd tell me what to do that way I dont have to make up my mind all alone! (hint hint Dean!)
Its been a tough few days trying to take care of an inconsolable baby, practically all by myself. Theres a window of a few hours where Dean can help out, but in the scale of a 24 hour day it isnt much. The sad part is that I know he is usually such a good baby and that he must feel really bad the way he keeps crying and there is nothing I can do but hold him and talk to him but I know that cant make him feel better or make the pain go away that I assume he is having after being so sick for so many days. I love my son and this first illness he has in breaking my heart!!
I took Caleb to the dr this morning. He now weighs 12 lbs 8 oz. Which is good, cause he is still gaining weight. But in addition to his upset stomach he now has a rash on his face, arms and neck, and it looks like it is now spreading to his belly too! She said it is just a virus and to give him pedialyte only for the next 24 hours. And that if he gets a fever to call . So now we just wait, she said it could last up to 10 days! Poor little guy! <br><br> Last night we went out to get dessert at Vinnys with Stacey. It was nice to sit and chat, to take a break from everything. Tonight we have plans to go out with a friend of Dean's and his girlfriend. Hopefully Caleb will be feeling ok enough to not fuss the whole evening! Other than that nothing is new or worth talking about. So when something happens I guess I'll have something to write about.
Caleb is still sick, I am going to make a drs appt for him for tomorrow. Today Dean went to a different office than the one in DC becuase they closed it to check for anthrax. I was glad, not only is he safer, but closer, it only took him 30 minutes to get to work unlike the 1 hr and 30 min it took to get to DC. Unfortunately this move was only temporary, I wish he could always go to this other office. But I will take advantage of the extra time with him this evening! I spent the afternoon shopping with my mom. It was nice to get out, since I dont have a car.
I did eventually call the dr yesterday, around 11 am, they didnt call me back til 4:30! the dr said he should be fine as long as he continues to eat some and to call back if he isnt better in a few days. Today is pretty much the same, less spitting up but still he has an upset tummy.
in other news, the anthrax scare is hitting too close to my husbands work for my comfort. If we were still in Ohio we'd be at no risk for any of this terrorist stuff. But no, Dean's new job starts the day before it all begins and today they may send him home due to the fact 20 people in an adjacent office have tested positive for anthrax exposure. I know we are here for a reason but I am not so sure yet what that is, and right now my faith isnt that great as we are goign through so much right now in our home situation, or rather the lack thereof. I better get offline in case Dean calls to tell me he is getting sent home, I'd rather they send him home than keep him there with the chance of being exposed to that stuff, apparently the strain sent to the Senate was enough to kill someone! No wonder so many people are coming back with positive test results.
to call the dr or not? The dilemma for the day. On Sunday Caleb started spitting up very badly at each feeding and even in between his meals. Then yesterday that continued with the addition of very wet poopy diapers, he usually only has one or two poopy diapers a day, he's had 7 in the last 24 hours. He doesnt have a fever and isnt even that fussy, but he does seem to want to be held more and is sleeping more. I keep saying I will wait another feeding to see how he gets but I dont want him to be sick and me doing nothing. i got some pedialyte yesterday, he likes grape flavored things so he about gulped that down, spit some up and had more diarhea. I started alternating ever other bottle, one feeding he gets formula and the next one is diluted pedialyte. But the dirty diapers still continue, but the last two times he hasnt spit up which is a good sign. He is usually a good eater and he's even eating less but not much. Problem is he is starting to eat then about 2 ounces later he sleeps, then wakes and eats some more, like it wears him out, he never did that before. Who knows. I am hoping whatever it is that it works it way through his system soon, I'd hate to have to drag him to the dr.
Aside from that there nothing much to talk about. Didnt do much yesterday but keep house and baby clean! Today will be much of the same and pending how things go maybe taking Caleb to the dr.
We've had a very nice weekend, or at least I think so. Friday night we went out with Stacey to celebrate her birthday. Saturday morning I had to go to a membership class at church. So Dean stayed home with Caleb since he's already been through the classes when he attended the church before. When I got home we went to Arundel Mills mall, it's more like an outlet than a mall. The childrens place had summer clothes on sale, tons of stuff for just 99 cents! We got bigger stuff that Caleb can wear next year. I was amazed how much money we saved. We ended up spending $28 on 14 items!
Yesterday we went to church then I came home and took a nice long nap. Then we had to go to my cousins sons 3rd birthday party. After that we went to visit with our friends Robin & Jason. It was a very relaxing weekend, I had a lot of fun. Since we've moved back we've had very busy weekends, or rather we've kept ourselves very busy, but with fun stuff.
The week looks like it will be boring, at least for me. Dean's truck is still in the shop so he has to take my car. It's such a pretty day outside too, oh well, I think I'll be getting out tonight at least. Until then I will just play with my adorable son. He is currently in his crib cooing away, talking back to his toys. He is so cute!
I just got back from lunch with my grandparents (my fathers side), aunt, cousin (& her 5 week old baby) and my aunts co-workers. It was very nice, the restaurant was nice as was the company. My aunt said she could get me a job if I wanted. She works for a bank, she does the computer part of it, ,not the banking part. Apparently they need an admin asst and she said she could work it out to be a part time position if I wanted. That or she'd get me a teller job in one of the banks. I once again was so tempted, and still am. I know before the baby came I so not wanted to work but now I am ready to go back. All except I'd hate to leave Caleb with strangers. And I know the position would pay well, probably more than I made in Ohio. She told me to get her a resume if I was interested. If we only knew someone to watch Caleb I would jump on the oppurtunity. I just hate that this is the second time someone mentioned getting me a job and I cant just go do it. Stacey is having a hard time getting a job she wants and here I am unable to take a job but being offered one. Oh well, maybe I'll start looking for a daycare. I dont really need to work but I know it would help us get a nicer place and the new car I've been wanting. I guess I will talk to Dean about our options. We are still trying decide what to do about moving. We're considering applying for a loan to buy a house and if I go back to work we could definitely afford that. I guess we'll see...
Get this deal! I bought this at Walmart for $3 today. I looked online to make sure it hadnt been recalled and couldnt find anything but it seems that the company whose name on the box got bought out by what is now Safety First so I am just figuring they were trying to get rid of old inventory. It was a great deal, the best bargain I ever got! Hope Caleb likes it! I also got him this Activity Flower for $8 and it put it in his cradle and he hasnt stopped playing with it yet. He kepts grabbing it and talking it! I feel like such a good mommy now that he has fun stuff to play with.
Happy Birthday Stacey!
Caleb rolled over today. I had laid him on his belly to get some "belly time" as I call it, to practice rolling and holding up his head. I turned around to work on laundry then turned back to look at him and he was on his back! He's yet to do it again so I am mad at myself for missing it.
Deans parents sent Caleb some clothes, they are so cute! I need to go get him some winter clothes, he has a few outfits but he's already worn them all at least once. I think next week I might take him to get his pictures taken. And I really want to go buy him a toy for his cradle/crib, he doesnt have a mobile or anything and he's getting so alert and is awake almost all day so I need something to occupy his little brain. Right now he is laying under one of those activity centers but it is an old used one and I'd like one that plays music. He's cooing away and smiling! He's so cute! I wish Dean could see him now! When Dean gets home we are usually busy going someplace so he hardly gets to see Caleb playing.
I am without a car today so I've decided to waste my day doing laundry so that hopefully tomorrow I can go shopping or something all day. We've got a busy weekend planned and I figured I'd get all the work done around here so we can enjoy our weekend.
I cant believe it's almost Nov! Our 3 year anniversary is Nov. 1st and we are hoping to do something nice. I cant believe how long we've been together. About 5 years straight, but we've known each other for about 10 years. Time sure does fly by....
Caleb is two months old today so I took him for his 2 mo. check up. He weighed in at 12 lbs 4 oz, and is 24 in. long. I found out he is allergic to his diapers, the big pack my mom just bought up, so what a waste of money that was. The dr was very nice and I am glad we are going to her. The worst part was his immunizations. I thought for sure I would cry but I didnt. But Caleb sure did. He calmed down shortly afterward but he is a lot fussier than usual, which still isnt that much. I gave him a little tylenol and that put him to sleep. They also had to do a heel prick because apparently it should have been done at his 1 month check up and wasnt. They said no news is good news, so hopefully they wont call me back with test results! So my poor innocent baby had to be the victim of 3 needles. It was so sad, his pitiful little helpless cry. He got so upset that afterward he was breathing really fast but not crying, like it was too much to even cry. He doesnt have to go back until Dec. 10th so that is good. She said we will just have to be patient with his stuffy nose, said it takes longer for babies to get better and as long as he isnt having trouble breathing he should be fine. All in all it was a good drs appt, I was very impressed with the dr and the office. She all but offered me a job when I told her that I used to work in a drs office, she said to keep them in mind if I decide to go back to work, that they could use someone good at dealing with patients on the phone or in person, I was half tempted to ask for a job. But I told her I'd hate to have to fnd daycare. She understood, she said she has a 4 month old at home. Well I need to go hold my angel and keep him happy, I feel so guilty for taking him to the dr knowing they were going to stick him and that he'd be in pain all day. They said he should be his happy healthy self tomorrow. The dr was impressed with how much cooing Caleb did and how alert he was, which made me feel like a proud mommy. He laughed and smiled at the dr so I was glad. He seems to know what you are saying, he will stare at you and give you a wide smile and laugh. Yet other times he just watches you intently. Well Caleb calls...
I had another panic attack this morning, sort of. My father arrived here this morning around 6:15 to take Dean to the train station so he could go to work. Sometime between then and 8:00 my step father banged on my door and asked where Dean was. I was roused from my sleep long enough to mumble something about my dad taking him to the train station and he left me alone to go back to sleep. I was once again rudely awakened by the phone ringing at 8:00, it was my father asking if something had happened this morning. I said no and asked what he meant. He said something about someone attempting to call his cell phone shortly after he dropped Dean off at work and that he was worried about where Dean was. I was immediately struck with fear that another morning the likes of Sept. 11th. was underway and that I was yet again sleeping through it. And just like that day, I could not get through to Deans cell phone. But I actually had his work phone # this time so I tried it only to get no answer, it kept ringing and ringing. In attempt to keep calm I did not turn on the news for fear I would hear something I didnt want to. So instead I called my mom at work to find out what had caused my step dad to wake me up to ask about Dean. Apparently they were just concerned that he hadnt gotten up for work since my car was still here, they didnt know that we had arranged for Dad to take him this morning so I could have my car. So I was somewhat relieved and told her what Dad said and I reminded myself I was probably worrying over nothing.
Since I got no answer on Deans work phone I figured I'd get online and see if he was on or if he'd updated his blog which would be signs he was ok and at work. But the computer was slow and he wasnt online and the blog wasnt updated. So I checked my email only to find an email from my father in law saying how much he missed me and how glad he was that I was taking care of his son and grandson, which only sparked tears and the thought that indeed something must be wrong. But I got offline and tried Dean at work again, ah, relief, he answered the phone. I love my husband dearly and the thought of something happening to him brings tears to my eyes. Being the worrier that I am, I knew I probably had been worrying over nothing but it was still a relief to hear his voice at work, that way I knew things were ok. Apparently he just had problems purchasing his train ticket and had no money to take care of it. But the lady gave him a ticket and told him to pay when he gets back tonight from work. So he had called my dad to try to get some money but he coudlnt get through. The thing with my step dad was not related at all, but the two together had made me worry that something was wrong. Dean understood and said he was about to call me in a minute anyway.
I know I worry about everything but I'd rather worry than be naive. I think I will go adore my beautiful son now, he is such an angel. I know he is truly heavensent.
Sometimes it's so nice to just talk about things instead of letting them settle down deeper in your hurt where you've buried them for so long. It's been a tough evening, the day itself was great though. Of course we started it off with church, and suprisingly I feel so at home at Dean's old church. I'd even say I have people I'd call friends there already. Caleb cooed and smiled all through the service I had to keep from laughing and crying with joy at how blessed I am. People always ask us if he is always so happy and good, and mostly he is, except for when he gets the hiccups.
Dean & I came home to enjoy a nice lunch, which he prepared all by himself, and it was yummy. We sat and watched as the war unfolded in Afghanistan. I cried as Dean held me as we talked about the possibilities of what going to war would mean and how it would affect not only the world around us and the our sons future world. Yesterday Dean made the comment that Caleb would never know the world that we lived in before Sept. 11, that is a scary yet very realistic truth. Then we all settled in for a nap, but Caleb decided he and Daddy would just bond while mommy got some much needed sleep.
I awoke to find out my parents had come home only to learn they were leaving again, so we'd get the house to ourselves again. So Dean went out to do something for my dad while I mixed up a batch of chocolate chip cookies. We sat around watching tv and playing with Caleb. Dean decided to call his parents while we had the time. Stacey came over to visit while I baked and Dean talked to his parents. Shortly afterward my parents got home ,and this is where it gets rough. My step dad told Dean to get off the phone and since Dean was already upset because he was missing home he told his mom good bye and started to tell my step dad how he felt about him being so disrespectful of us. I got Dean to go to our room and quiet down and my step dad stormed out of the house.
Over the years I had gotten used to my step dads rudeness and attitude and I've learned to keep my mouth shut and ignore him. Dean feels that he shouldnt have to put up with it seeing as we are all adults, even though we get treated like we are kids by my stepdad. So in the whole mess Dean had said we would move out and that set me off cause right now we have no where to move to or the money to do so, at least not for another week. So seeing as Stacey was witness to the whole argument we gathered ourselves and the baby and headed to her house to think things out. We sat and talked about things and calmed down, well all of us except Caleb , in the rush we'd forgotten his pacifier and burp rags so he had spit up all over himself and me and was quite upset about it so we called my mom and told her we were on our way back, and luckily my step dad hadnt returned yet.
So for the first time ever I actually talked to my mom about some of the feelings I had kept in about my step dad and I learned a lot about my mom and realized she knew a lot more than I ever gave her credit for, I guess even though you realize how bad things are in a relationship you can still be naive to put up with it, I always figured she just didnt realize how bad things were. But what it comes down to is that she's been trying to deal with things and even through years of counseling she knows my step dad has problems, and the one that we have to deal with on a daily basis is his childish selfish attitude that when coupled with his overbearing temper becomes quite an obstacle.
Now those of you who have been reading my blogs for a while may now realize that I come from a very dysfunctional family. At times I am very embarassed about this and other times I think I am very lucky for turning out as good as I did. I mean I know I more than likely have a lot of unresolved issues, lots of which I had to face tonight when discussing how I feel about my parents and our relationship with Dean. And I came to realize that for years I have just helped my family push things under the rug. We'd go and be good Christians at church and they'd even testify how things had changed and were going great at home, but heck anyone close to us knew the truth. It's been almost 5 years since I moved out and moved in with Stacey because things were getting so bad, I ended up going back home eventually but shortly after that I moved to Ohio with Dean. We moved in a few weeks ago and things started out good then the truth slowly crept up on us. Some people can talk the talk but just dont walk the walk. My step dad is one of those people. He'll be the first to condemn you for watching trash on tv or a movie. He'll be the first to yell if you dont wash the dinner dishes before you've even finished your meal. He's one of those people that always stands up to testify in church about how God is so good and how he is changing his life. He always tells other people they need to get right with God and how the things they do are wrong. Yet he never looks inside at himself and sees all the sin dwelling there. He never realizes that yes verbal abuse is just as bad as physical. He will never realize that pride is one of the biggest sins. He will never know how truly ignorant he is. And today Dean stepped up to the plate to help him realize that he truly does not care about other people. My step dad always talks about how important it is to touch lives and help people but he never once really has cared for or even attempted to touch the lives of those close to him, yet despite that we all stick by him and put up with him. We even are stupid enough to care about him in return for nothing but pain. Ironic thing is, I do the same thing with my real dad. Now my dad isnt a hypocrit, he admits the sins he commits and wouldnt step foot in church unless he was sincere. But point is, even when he hurts me I love him in return.
I dont claim to be a goody goody christian, and more often than not I will admit that I am lacking spiritualy and I'll be the first to admit I need God's help on a daily basis. I dont claim to be a saint and I will never act like I am. But the one thing I will do without fail is to love others unconditionally. Days like today make me wish I wasnt so naive. No matter how hurt I get or how angry I can be at someone, I always end up caring for them so much that I end up being the one apologizing even when I did nothing wrong. I only hope that is the reason why my dad is coming around and changing his ways. But in the back of my mind I keep wondering when he is going to hurt me again and I know even if he does I will still love him. I cant help but wonder if I have terrible issues with the males in my life, I mean how stupid can I be to put up with men who treat me so badly yet give them nothing but love and care in return?
Which reminds me of how I got Dean in the first place, which is a whole different story but point is, when Dean and I were dating when we were younger we got together and broke up more than a few times. Each time, and despite how rude Dean was to me at the time, I continued to care for him and had hope that in the future he would wise up and we'd be happy together. I remember being on the phone with him once, I know I was in high school at the time, either sophomore or junior year, we werent even dating at the time. We were talking, and it was one of those calls where we hadnt talked in a while and I had thought I better check up and see how he was doing so I did and of course he was his usual self, he'd be rude and act like he didnt care about me or our friendship. Sometime during the conversation I got upset and finally had the nerve to tell him how I felt, and I told him I loved him. Sure I dated a lot of guys before and after that call but I distinctly remember knowing that when I told him that I loved him I meant it. I was so upset that he didnt care even after I told him. I put my heart on the line, but what did I do, I let him go, I kept loving him and waiting for him to see the error of his ways. And finally, he did. But the important thing I learned was that sometimes the easiest way to someones heart is by letting go. So despite how Dean felt I held on to the good times we had and the look he woudl get in his eyes every time we were together. he'd even tell you that everytime we'd see each other he'd want to be with me but he sure didnt act like it sometimes. I guess the point is, with Dean, my unconditional love ended up being returned, it took awhile but in the end it was worth the wait. Seems the same thing may happen with my real dad. For years I have tried to be the good daughter and despite his continual failures as a father I have loved him. And lately I have seen that loved being returned, he may not know how to tell me or show me in the ways a normal father daughter relationship should be, the very fact that he is calling and talkign to me lets me knows he cares. But after years of trying to love my step dad despite the hurt and anger that is still there, things have not changed. The sad part is my real father isnt a christian yet he understands how to respect others and treat them as equals, yet my step dad, you know the goody goody christian, he cant even pretend to care about Dean and I.
yes, I know, I probably need a good therapist, but heck that's what I've got you for right? No really, I probably should sit down with someone and talk these things out but it's just easier to write it out and get it off my chest, if I talk to someone about it I'll have to hear the truth about what I should do next, and I'm happy to keep pushing things under the rug, I think today though I did a little much needed vacuuming and I hope that being back here(in Baltimore) I can deal with the rest of the dust bunnies hiding under there.....
ah! I just remembered something Stacey said the other day....in high school we had a huge falling out with one of my friends. At the time I chose to keep Stacey as my friend and lose the other friend due to differences in opinion. I mentioned something about visiting with that old friends parents at my old church and Stacey said she'd understand if I wanted to be friends with that friend again. The ironic thing is, there was a fight between stacey and my other friend. I stayed friends with the other friend first but after a while I felt so guilty about hurting Stacey that I tried to get her back in my life, and my other friend thought that was a dumb idea and didnt know how I could even forgive Stacey for the things that had happened. Just another example of how I care for others. I may hurt someone by my words or actions but I end up caring too much for them to let the pain continue, I always try to go back and mend things.
A little over a year ago I tried to locate that other friend, I was in so much pain over the pain I had caused her that I just coudlnt deal with it anymore so I called her and sent her letters but to no avail. She just couldnt get over the situation. what makes one person able to forgive yet others incapable of any understanding or forgiveness?
As I write this I wonder if I am naive, but it cant be possible to care too much about others can it? I try so hard not to hurt other people and I always worry about others feelings, even strangers sometimes. yet all around me there are people who just dont care. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother......
the link to my email is wrong, if anyone cares, the correct email addy is amy@amymckenzie.com, so if I havent responded to your emails please resend them and forgive me for not updating, we dont have frontpage here on this computer so I cant fix it yet.
I know I have a sad life, just sitting around all day vegging in front of the tv or computer when I am not taking care of the baby, which isnt that often. But today on some talk show the topic was postpartum depression and women who were afraid they were going to hurt their babies. I love my son so much that no matter how fussy he gets I cant imagine ever hurting him. After taking care of him 24/7 I've gotten used to what each of his different cries mean and I can usually comfort him, he's a very happy baby for the most part. But there have been times when I felt like I just couldnt do it,but I also recognized that it was mostly because I was extremely tired or didnt feel well so I would put Caleb down for a minute, leave the room to recoop and then return to hold him and try to comfort him. I think everyone has a limit of what they can and cant handle and that is different for everyone. But I also think we all can tell when we are being pushed to our limit and I guess some people just dont know how to cope with dealing problems that arise daily.
I know that there are a lot of women who get severe post partum depression, or that is what the drs diagnose it as, but I cant help but think that it is something deeper than that. I have a problem when people diagnose problems based on life situations. I cant believe drs use pms or whatever the name of that new illness is associated with it that makes women crazy or severely moody as an excuse. I realize we all have bad days and that depression is a part of life, I know I get depressed more than I probably should but I hate when people use things like that as an excuse. Some people just arent meant to be mothers , and I dont think some women try hard enough to try. Not that I dont believe that women suffer from ppd, I do, but when you start talking about killing yourself I think drs should call it what it is and not blame it the fact you just had a baby. I just think that they should not try so hard to label it or diagnose new "diseases" and should just treat it for what it is, it's a mental illness, no different than any other. Treat it as such. I really dont believe having just the baby blues would cause you to run out and kill all of your kids, something else has to be going on there. I know a lot of people wont agree with me, but I think it takes some severe problems to cause that kind of thinking, not just being depressed. I really hate how someone needs to find an excuse for something they did and how it always end up being some mental illness, come on, even if you say you were insane you still did the crime and heck if you are crazy enough to do something so severe you shouldnt be let off because you got us to realize how crazy you are. I am just sick of how there are all sorts of excuses lawyers use now and they get drs to back it up with some disease or disorder that they probably concocted just to get a nice paycheck.
Sorry if I offended anyone, I'm not sure why I even went on that tangent, I guess I am just going stir crazy sitting around all day watching all the trash on tv....
It's October already, I had been waiting for months and months for August to roll around and here it is 2 months later and I feel like time is just flying by. I cant really say what happened to September for me, I know we moved here on the 7th and since then the days all seem to blend together and I dont really do much but tend to house and baby. I am already looking forward to next week but only because that is Calebs next drs appt, it's sad when all you have to look forward to during the week are drs appt but since I am without a car I cant do much but sit around with the baby.
Another interesting thought I was having about time going by, about a year ago I was getting really worried about our inability to ever have children. At my brothers wedding at the end of October last year people were asking us about when we would have kids and when we'd be moving back or coming back to visit. I tried to be hopeful and said if I get pregnant we wont be back until after the baby but if not we would probably be back for Christmas. In November we got a test done to see if something was wrong with my ability to conceive and we found out nothing was. So we were told to wait and if things didnt happen we'd take fertility drugs but I had decided that if nothing happened I didnt want to take the drugs because that was messing with God, wasnt it? So we decided to stop worrying about having a baby and just let things happen, so I let go of the worry and got on with my life. A few weeks later we found out we were pregnant! Since then my life has changed in more ways than I could have ever imagined.
As I sit here writing (in the room that used to be my bedroom when I was a teenager) my beautiful baby boy lays beside me staring up at his toys and my husband as at work at the US Senate building. Things are so different yet I cant imagine them being any other way. I am so happy every day to be able to hold my precious son and to be so close to my family here in Baltimore. My husband and I are enjoying every moment we get to spend together alone and/or with our son. It stilll seems odd to me to say that I even have a son! I am not quite sure why I am sitting here reflecting so, but it's nice to be able to count your blessings and we really should do so more often.....
